Day 134- Out-of-Control as a Mind State Only

This blog is continued from Day 133- I'm Out of Control:

I commit myself to move myself through moments of uncertainty as it arises, to see it for what it is: an emotional energetic experience that is not real, as it is not based on the fact that “I don’t know what to do”, because there is always a solution, even if that solution is admitting I can’t do it or need help.
I commit myself to NOT accept or allow the experience of uncertainty to be an excuse I use to give up and not move.
When and as I see uncertainty arise within me, as me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back here within the realization that there is nothing to it but to do it. To take steps to keep moving through the experience with full knowing that I am going to bombard myself with reasons, justifications and excuses as to WHY I can’t do it. But I can, and so I just keep walking the process of ‘I’m going to do it, I am doing it, it is done’.

I commit myself to face the responsibilities of the moment and to not make excuses and run from them simply because I believe my internal energetic experience which Iknow doesn’t last.
When and as I see that I have created a situation in which I feel ‘stuck’ due to uncertainty, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-movement by reminding myself it’s not going to ‘feel good’, and it’s irrelevant how it ‘feels’, so I take a breath, I take a moment to myself to sketch a plan of action, and I execute it- no mind processing, just doing.

I commit myself to replace the pattern and habit of ‘mind-processing’, wherein I would move through the task in my mind and inevitably, always end up at a dead end or an obstacle, by actually doing the tasks and proving to myself that dead ends and obstacles do not exist because only when I die will my ability to move myself physically, through that which I decide to do, end, hence ‘dead’ and ‘end’ (within the practical limitations of reality).
When and as I see that I am moving through a task in the imaginary world of my mind, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself through to actual application by stopping my participation in the mind of self-manipulation because the I will see that there is only me, Here, and no amount of thinking will gt anything done, only practical planning and actual self-movement through and as the execution of tasks.

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself by using the energetic experience of ‘uncertainty’ to create the disempowerment of experiencing myself as ‘out of control’.
I commit myself to stop this manipulation tactic where it starts, which is the first thought of uncertainty connected to and as the energetic experience of ‘defeat’.
I commit myself to replace the ‘experience’ of control derived through/as obsessiveness/focusing in on one thing, with ACTUAL control in my life and world, which equates to taking the self-responsibility to direct myself through the multitude of things that need to be tended to in order to ‘get myself/my world/my life together’, wherein I would actually be living a Life that supports me.

When and as I see that I am

seeking the EXPERIENCE of control through patterns and habits which give it to me, I stop, and breathe. I walk myself out of the energetic addiction to the EXPERIENCE of control by reminding myself that those things that give me the experience of control actually create the opposite, lack of control, which perpetuates the addiction to the energy created by the experience, as I would constantly feel out of control and constantly in the NEED for the EXPERIENCE of control, without ever having taken sufficient steps to get my life/world/reality under control in such a way that my daily living creates results that are best for me and support me to be and become a self-responsible human being.


I commit myself to stop manipulating myself to justify my addiction to certain specific energetic experiences, and I commit myself to walk through every step of fear that may present itself along the path of taking responsibility, as fear is but another manipulation tactic of the mind.

I commit myself to stop the cycle of control/loss of control that I have constantly and continuously subjected myself to and believed to be real/

Who I Am- it is NOT me, it is an experience, caused. by chemical reactions within my brain which produce different energetic experiences which have always limited and sabotaged me, bit by bit over time.

When and as I see that I am manipulating myself in ways which create cycles of ‘loss of control’, by, for example, doing the important task later, doing something else instead, doing it half way and not seeing it through, trying once and giving up, making excuses to avoid it, etc… I stop, and I breathe. I breathe myself through the mutual fear of both stopping and applying, and I simply stop and apply, within common sense, to take the point/task and do it and see it through to completion.

Day 20-21 – Seeing it Through

Yesterday I had an experience of what felt like depressiveness, wherein everything felt difficult and I fell into the mind and I was not effective. As it was happening I was aware of the fact that it would not be like that forever. In fact, it has happened quite often that I have difficult days like this and I always end up being okay, bouncing back the next day. Today was as I had expected, wherein I felt much more able to direct me and I saw that everything is still Here, and I am still Here able to direct me. So, this pattern involves me falling into a depressive state, which involves self-judgment and manipulation, only to see that it is not real, it is just an experience that I am able to direct myself through so that, when I wake up the next day, I can still have taken a step, instead of having to go through the motions of having fallen the day before. It’s so obvious now, but yesterday it wasn’t at all because I was in this depressive mind-possession wherein I felt like "I wasn’t doing or being ‘enough’ and I probably never will be". I wrote a blog about it, but then I watched one of Bernard’s videos on depression and decided to see the pattern through to a solution before writing about it.

First, I will post the blog from yesterday, and then conclude with my solution and corrective application.

Day 20- Depressive Possession

I walked a very bizarre day today. I spent the entire day alone without any interaction and allowed myself to indulge in the mind wherein I experienced a recurring emotional energetic state of lostness, aloneness, and depression. I did not move me effectively and so I need a practical application with which to face this because for the next several months, aloneness will be prominent in m reality.

It’s interesting because I am coming from an environment that was ‘chaotic,’ with people and animals all the time seemingly everywhere, where at times I felt like I couldn’t ‘get away’, and I wanted peace and quiet. Now I have that, and it is not as I projected it would be. I am not serene, effective and efficient, as I imagined I would be. I created for myself a feeling of lostness, aloneness and depression, and today I let it get the best of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need ‘company’ to occupy my environment in order that I may stay present instead of drifting off into my mind.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be my own company, wherein I remain present alone with myself- no different than if I were not alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I am not already alone, even in the presence of others, because I am alone within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become so accustomed and used to living within and as personalities for others, that I do not even really know who I am when I am alone.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to know me, or to have taken the time to get to know myself as who I really am, because I have instead wasted my time pursuing endless thoughts, fantasies, imaginations, entertainment etc… distracting myself while I was missing me, not spending time within and as me as presence and self-intimacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate/connect a feeling of lostness to the emotional experience of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be lost, when I am and always have been right Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I can lose myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself in my mind, thus manifesting a feeling of ‘lostness’ instead of being present with myself and moving me within and as self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become ‘frazzled’ because I think/believe/perceive myself to be lost, and then I attempt to find me by looking for an experience of myself, or an experience of stability, an experience of what it ‘should’ feel like to ‘find’ me or be me, instead of simply stopping, breathing and coming back into the present moment where I am and always have been waiting for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the emotional energetic experience of depression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe depression to be real or to be who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become depressive, wherein I allow myself to sink into a 'depression' by accepting and allowing myself as the mind to suppress myself as Life due to my accepted and allowed participation within and as thoughts of inferiority, and self-judgment that I am not 'where I should be', or that I haven't accomplished what I 'should have' accomplished, instead of realizing that the only step I can take is the next step Here, and not skip a bunch of steps in order to be 'there' where I 'should’ be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose to continue to indulge within these thoughts/moods/emotions/feeling/beliefs because that is what I have always done, instead of realizing there is another choice and another way, I only have to go through the discomfort of breaking the habits and patterns I've become accustomed to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try/attempt to manipulate myself with depression, wherein I am attempting to fool myself into believing I am not effective, not making enough progress, not doing well enough, etc... accompanied by the belief that I cannot change .

I see, realize and understand that these are only beliefs of the mind, and they are only as real as I make them by participating within and as them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate, thus putting tasks off into a future that is not Here, it is only in my mind, wherein it exists as a future in which I will 'feel better,' 'get things done,' 'be more motivated,' thus creating an entire projection of this 'better' future and then comparing it to where I am now, thus manifesting self-judgment, self-defeat, self-pity, etc... and eventually, depression.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to utilize every Here moment to assert myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become a programmed zombie robot that only follows old habits and patterns, directed by the endless meaningless cycles of my internal experience, instead of waking up and directing me as a principled self-leader who functions in common sense.

I commit myself to waking up from the slumber I have been in for my whole Life, to stop blindly following the smoke and mirror-mazes of the thoughts, beliefs, emotions, ideas, perceptions and feelings as my internal experience as my mind, and to instead stand as principled and common sense living that takes into consideration that which is best for all.

I commit myself to stopping my patterns and habits of indulging in the mind, in which I allow me to feel lost, alone and depressed, and to instead return to the presence of breath which is Here, with everything and everyone else in existence, where aloneness is all-oneness.

I commit myself to asserting myself in every Here moment.

I commit myself to discover myself within self-intimacy and self-understanding, so as not to miss another moment as an opportunity to actually Live as me.

DAY 21 -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fallen into the mind within the belief that there is no other way, and no way out.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to assert myself despite/in spite of my internal experience, wherein I could have taken steps and furthered myself with self-direction, but instead I stagnated, thus creating the experience that I went through yesterday as an accumulation of such points.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that every moment counts, and that every moment is an opportunity which can be utilized within self-movement, as every breath I take is an opportunity to move towards self-expansion, self-intimacy and self-mastery.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that only at death is it too late, and that I can and will pick myself up every time I fall, and so within this realization, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste even one second within self-doubt, self-victimization and self-defeat, because I know that I will pick myself up and keep going, so there’s no point in contemplating it, questioning it or trying to test it out and experience it, because it is not an experience of myself, it simply IS who I am and what I will do and continue doing till it’s done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I have too much self-forgiveness and self-introspection to do that I can’t possibly sort myself out in time. “It will take time, but not an endless amount of time” –BP.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I am my priority right now, and in order to sort myself out effectively, I need to make time for me, and direct myself to use my time more efficiently as I apply myself in this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the pattern of depressiveness again…. But-

I see, realize and understand that this recent past experience has shown me one thing: that this pattern is useless/pointless/a waste of time/does not serve me in any way whatsoever. However, I see, realize and understand that in the past, I would have bounced back into polarity, whereas today I directed me so as not to create the opposite extreme of depression (which will only set me up for another crash). I see the polarity here, and I will not participate within and as it.

I commit myself to stopping my participation in the polarities of energy by observing the repeating patters of the highs and lows I experience, by pushing through the lows until they no longer influence me in/as my application of myself, and to breathe through and not participate within the highs, because, as tempting as they may seem, they are not worth it, as all they do is return me to the cycle of then experiencing depressiveness, and thus wasting my time and my life.

Icommit myself to walking a process that will lead me to become the living realization of the absolute dedication and commitment it takes to apply myself in every moment, as well as the importance of doing so, and I commit myself to whatever amount of time it will take.

I commit myself to making “every moment count,” wherein I assert myself in every moment, despite my internal experience of myself.

When and as I see that I am facing an accumulation of points which manifests itself as depressiveness, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that the only way through is through, and that I MUST stand, I MUST push through, because it is a manifested consequence that I already created for myself, and the only thing there is to do is walk through it and learn the lesson, so as to not repeat and manifest the same consequences again.