Day 31- Quitting Love- No Sense of Self

            This blog post is a continuation of my post titled “What is Left After Love?” As I continue to walk through letting go of my addiction to ‘love,’ which extends beyond only relationship/romantic ‘love,’ to all forms of what I believed and had defined myself according to what I thought was ‘love.’ It’s not love, and I don’t know what to call the experience I used to define as ‘love.’ It was an experience I would create within me, a positive energetic experience that I sought in all relationships, which I completely compromised myself in order to obtain from these relationships, based on feedback which I would interpret and then react to within myself as the experience  of ‘love.’

            But, as I said, it was not love. It was absolute disregard for Who I Really Am, which, leaves me feeling just kind of empty and lost. But at some core place within me, I’m okay. It’s similar to when I quit weed and alcohol, wherein, because I was not receiving the ‘highs,’ I immediately wanted to interpret the experience as a ‘low,' wherein I was left feeling like, "what do I do now."  But then I slowly realized that “I’m okay,” “I’m still Here.”

  Yet, I am not completely Here, as I must quit and let go of all my inner energetic feeling and emotional experiences because now I see them for what they are: absolute self-compromise. The crazy thing is, looking back, it’s like I knew it all along. I was aware of every time I manipulated, converted and contorted myself to fit a role, gain an experience, or please myself or another. Every time I diminished myself, went into superiority or lied to myself about who I was… I knew. And I still know.

            So, now the decision has to be made: who will I be? I guess that’s the big question. In looking for an answer to that question, I look to the only thing that has been consistent, supportive and unconditional, which is my breath and my physical body. These are ‘parts of’ me that have never abused or compromised me. Only myself as my mind has done that. I’m like this little passenger in this vessel, and the vessel has been my life-support, but my whole life I have judged it, abused it (literally), been ashamed of it, or flaunted it as if it were my possession. It is not my possession, it is all that I am, thus, it is so much greater than me as a passenger, who has not honoured it.  Yet it is absolutelyequal to all other physical substance that’s Here. That is a concept that we passengers find hard to grasp, because we so badly want to be the stars of the show and have it be ‘all about us.’ But we are absolutely dependent upon our vessels, and in fact, they are the only thing that is real about any of us.

            So, forgiveness on this point is at the same time long overdue and only possible now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and abuse myself as my physical body, as I as ‘the passenger’ as my mind took absolute control and subjugated my body instead of realizing it is/was the only thing about me that has ever been real.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted or allowed myself to honour my body in/for every moment that it has unconditionally supported me, which is in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I as a mind am/was the star of the show, that my internal experience of myself was all that mattered, and then judged my body as ‘less than, ‘shameful,’ and ‘imperfect.’

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that my physical body is perfect, because it is exactly what it is supposed to be- physical matter/substance, and the only imperfections are those which I have caused due to abuse over time, conditioning and habits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also have participated within the polarity of judging my body as ‘beautiful,’ ‘sexy,’ and ‘seductive,’ etc… and then limited myself by defining myself according to these judgments, judgments which shifted and changed from day to day, thus causing me to experience ups and downs, and instead of stopping my participation within these polarity cycles, I blamed my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my physical body for my negative internal experiences, wherein I would cause myself to pump myself full of chemicals associated with shame and self-loathing, causing my body to endure such chemical and energetic rushes which takes away from it as it I abused it to support my fleeting emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my physical body as I slowly accept and allow myself to waste away, instead of realizing that I was wasting the only thing I ever really was for that which I never really was, which is experience- fleeting and limited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose that which I never really had, for that which I already am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value that which destroys me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be that which destroys me, so thoroughly that I became it, and thus continued to destroy me, as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to believe, and to base who I am upon beliefs and ideas, ideals and fantasy, instead of looking at the actual reality that is Here, wherein it is all so obvious and the evidence and signs of it are everywhere, yet in it, as it, I couldn’t see it.

When and as I see myself looking for experience out of fear of ‘not knowing what else to do,’ ‘who to be,’ or ‘who I am without roles,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding that I am still okay, I am still Here, and I will always have me, within and as each breath. I remind myself that it’s okay to not know who/how to be, and it’s better to do nothing than to try/attempt to be what I’m not for the sake of experience.

I commit myself to continue opening my eyes, and to teach myself about that which is actually Here, by looking, seeing, realizing and understanding, and giving myself the platform of self-support that can provide through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to walking this process into the physical, because now I truly see what a sham it all is/was/has been and will continue to be if we keep on ‘living’ the way we are currently accepting and allowing ourselves to love.

I commit myself to honour and move within and as my physical body in every moment of breath.

I remind myself:

One step at a time

I am Here

In every moment

Day 20-21 – Seeing it Through

Yesterday I had an experience of what felt like depressiveness, wherein everything felt difficult and I fell into the mind and I was not effective. As it was happening I was aware of the fact that it would not be like that forever. In fact, it has happened quite often that I have difficult days like this and I always end up being okay, bouncing back the next day. Today was as I had expected, wherein I felt much more able to direct me and I saw that everything is still Here, and I am still Here able to direct me. So, this pattern involves me falling into a depressive state, which involves self-judgment and manipulation, only to see that it is not real, it is just an experience that I am able to direct myself through so that, when I wake up the next day, I can still have taken a step, instead of having to go through the motions of having fallen the day before. It’s so obvious now, but yesterday it wasn’t at all because I was in this depressive mind-possession wherein I felt like "I wasn’t doing or being ‘enough’ and I probably never will be". I wrote a blog about it, but then I watched one of Bernard’s videos on depression and decided to see the pattern through to a solution before writing about it.

First, I will post the blog from yesterday, and then conclude with my solution and corrective application.

Day 20- Depressive Possession

I walked a very bizarre day today. I spent the entire day alone without any interaction and allowed myself to indulge in the mind wherein I experienced a recurring emotional energetic state of lostness, aloneness, and depression. I did not move me effectively and so I need a practical application with which to face this because for the next several months, aloneness will be prominent in m reality.

It’s interesting because I am coming from an environment that was ‘chaotic,’ with people and animals all the time seemingly everywhere, where at times I felt like I couldn’t ‘get away’, and I wanted peace and quiet. Now I have that, and it is not as I projected it would be. I am not serene, effective and efficient, as I imagined I would be. I created for myself a feeling of lostness, aloneness and depression, and today I let it get the best of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need ‘company’ to occupy my environment in order that I may stay present instead of drifting off into my mind.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be my own company, wherein I remain present alone with myself- no different than if I were not alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I am not already alone, even in the presence of others, because I am alone within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become so accustomed and used to living within and as personalities for others, that I do not even really know who I am when I am alone.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to know me, or to have taken the time to get to know myself as who I really am, because I have instead wasted my time pursuing endless thoughts, fantasies, imaginations, entertainment etc… distracting myself while I was missing me, not spending time within and as me as presence and self-intimacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate/connect a feeling of lostness to the emotional experience of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be lost, when I am and always have been right Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I can lose myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself in my mind, thus manifesting a feeling of ‘lostness’ instead of being present with myself and moving me within and as self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become ‘frazzled’ because I think/believe/perceive myself to be lost, and then I attempt to find me by looking for an experience of myself, or an experience of stability, an experience of what it ‘should’ feel like to ‘find’ me or be me, instead of simply stopping, breathing and coming back into the present moment where I am and always have been waiting for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the emotional energetic experience of depression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe depression to be real or to be who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become depressive, wherein I allow myself to sink into a 'depression' by accepting and allowing myself as the mind to suppress myself as Life due to my accepted and allowed participation within and as thoughts of inferiority, and self-judgment that I am not 'where I should be', or that I haven't accomplished what I 'should have' accomplished, instead of realizing that the only step I can take is the next step Here, and not skip a bunch of steps in order to be 'there' where I 'should’ be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose to continue to indulge within these thoughts/moods/emotions/feeling/beliefs because that is what I have always done, instead of realizing there is another choice and another way, I only have to go through the discomfort of breaking the habits and patterns I've become accustomed to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try/attempt to manipulate myself with depression, wherein I am attempting to fool myself into believing I am not effective, not making enough progress, not doing well enough, etc... accompanied by the belief that I cannot change .

I see, realize and understand that these are only beliefs of the mind, and they are only as real as I make them by participating within and as them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate, thus putting tasks off into a future that is not Here, it is only in my mind, wherein it exists as a future in which I will 'feel better,' 'get things done,' 'be more motivated,' thus creating an entire projection of this 'better' future and then comparing it to where I am now, thus manifesting self-judgment, self-defeat, self-pity, etc... and eventually, depression.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to utilize every Here moment to assert myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become a programmed zombie robot that only follows old habits and patterns, directed by the endless meaningless cycles of my internal experience, instead of waking up and directing me as a principled self-leader who functions in common sense.

I commit myself to waking up from the slumber I have been in for my whole Life, to stop blindly following the smoke and mirror-mazes of the thoughts, beliefs, emotions, ideas, perceptions and feelings as my internal experience as my mind, and to instead stand as principled and common sense living that takes into consideration that which is best for all.

I commit myself to stopping my patterns and habits of indulging in the mind, in which I allow me to feel lost, alone and depressed, and to instead return to the presence of breath which is Here, with everything and everyone else in existence, where aloneness is all-oneness.

I commit myself to asserting myself in every Here moment.

I commit myself to discover myself within self-intimacy and self-understanding, so as not to miss another moment as an opportunity to actually Live as me.

DAY 21 -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fallen into the mind within the belief that there is no other way, and no way out.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to assert myself despite/in spite of my internal experience, wherein I could have taken steps and furthered myself with self-direction, but instead I stagnated, thus creating the experience that I went through yesterday as an accumulation of such points.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that every moment counts, and that every moment is an opportunity which can be utilized within self-movement, as every breath I take is an opportunity to move towards self-expansion, self-intimacy and self-mastery.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that only at death is it too late, and that I can and will pick myself up every time I fall, and so within this realization, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste even one second within self-doubt, self-victimization and self-defeat, because I know that I will pick myself up and keep going, so there’s no point in contemplating it, questioning it or trying to test it out and experience it, because it is not an experience of myself, it simply IS who I am and what I will do and continue doing till it’s done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I have too much self-forgiveness and self-introspection to do that I can’t possibly sort myself out in time. “It will take time, but not an endless amount of time” –BP.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I am my priority right now, and in order to sort myself out effectively, I need to make time for me, and direct myself to use my time more efficiently as I apply myself in this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the pattern of depressiveness again…. But-

I see, realize and understand that this recent past experience has shown me one thing: that this pattern is useless/pointless/a waste of time/does not serve me in any way whatsoever. However, I see, realize and understand that in the past, I would have bounced back into polarity, whereas today I directed me so as not to create the opposite extreme of depression (which will only set me up for another crash). I see the polarity here, and I will not participate within and as it.

I commit myself to stopping my participation in the polarities of energy by observing the repeating patters of the highs and lows I experience, by pushing through the lows until they no longer influence me in/as my application of myself, and to breathe through and not participate within the highs, because, as tempting as they may seem, they are not worth it, as all they do is return me to the cycle of then experiencing depressiveness, and thus wasting my time and my life.

Icommit myself to walking a process that will lead me to become the living realization of the absolute dedication and commitment it takes to apply myself in every moment, as well as the importance of doing so, and I commit myself to whatever amount of time it will take.

I commit myself to making “every moment count,” wherein I assert myself in every moment, despite my internal experience of myself.

When and as I see that I am facing an accumulation of points which manifests itself as depressiveness, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that the only way through is through, and that I MUST stand, I MUST push through, because it is a manifested consequence that I already created for myself, and the only thing there is to do is walk through it and learn the lesson, so as to not repeat and manifest the same consequences again.