Day 210 - Making Your Space a Home: Redefining and Living the Word 'Home'

This blog is part of a process of self-change that I am walking. The process is multi-faceted, some aspects are very structured, others are not, kind of like life. This particular part is structured, where I choose a word that I am not effectively living, break it down, and re-define it to a way that is supportive.

I found myself feeling out of place within the various homes I have occupied over time. I noticed certain friends of mine or people I meet sometimes seem to make a place their own more easily than I had managed in my life., but the truth is that I never really looked at this or asked myself if it was something I can change... until now.

I’ve moved around a lot in my life, and every time I would arrive at a new location I would have projections about what it would feel like to live there, and I would hold an optimistic outlook on how my life would be and how I would make this new place my home. I would settle in over time, but as time passed I would never quite be able to create this feeling I was looking for, the feeling of being ‘at home’.

The repeating cycle that would occur is that the new apartment would become messy and disorganized and financial and other stresses would inevitably arise and plant their roots in my mind and thus be reflected back to me by my environment. Soon most things in the house would cause a negative reaction in me, such as anxiety for example, as I would see things I was neglecting or unfinished projects I would judge myself for having abandoned.

Slowly, over time I would lose my authority in the situation, as I would lose authority over myself and my actions, and this unfortunately leads to a lack of order and direction, which creates an environment that is not conducive to healing, growing or expanding. This environment is actually more conducive to perpetuating anxiety, overwhelmingness and other self-limiting patterns, wherein I become the product of the environment I have created, instead of the environment becoming the product of me as I create myself into someone that is striving to meet their utmost potential.

In this blog I’ve taken up looking at this word ‘home’, and I have decided that it is time for me to decide how I am going to re-define the word ‘home’. This way, I can apply that definition into my daily living, thus creating a living word for myself, wherein slowly over time, one word at a time, I will create a ‘living vocabulary’ and thus, a new life for myself on My Terms – not the terms of the disorder.

The word home, a defined in the dictionary, means:

1.       the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household:

      

Sounding out the words (what hidden words or phrases can I see within the word?)

HOnor ME - (home is a place where I honour myself, and my internal/external environment should reflect that)

HOne in on ME - (Home is a place that I know in the utmost detail, and when attention is needed somewhere, I hone in on it. If something requires attention and is not getting done, I first hone in on me – my mind – to check why am I not moving myself to tend to the task)

HarmOny in ME ( Home is a place where I create as little friction as possible, where events and play-outs are directed by me in a way that creates them to be beneficial to me, supporting and nurturing my growth and development).

HOusing ME ( Home is the physical location that is housing me, whether it is in my body or my house, and it therefore requires to be physically maintained: kept clean, tidy, organized, well presented, and practical for me).

I like how in the ‘sounding out’ of the word I see a focus on ‘me’, before only considering the physical location, because this way home can be wherever I am. The dictionary definition states that a home is the place where one lives ‘permanently’. 

This can be complicated for someone in my situation who has for so long been living temporarily in different locations. If I were to limit myself and my experience to the dictionary’s definition, then I may react by feeling things like lost, homeless and self-pitying, because, according to the dictionary definition, I don’t have a’ home’! This can potentially be disempowering, because it’s important to have a place and a space within which to grow and be grounded, and without one I feel ungrounded and like I have no place, This is the kind of potential consequence of not fully investigating the words we are living and defining ourselves according to.

I would like to instead Empower myself by creating my own definition for the word home. This new definition is not just a physical location; it is a living and a doing, internal and external. ‘Home’ is actually who and how I am within myself, and the physical location is simply an extension of myself, so that by extension, it also becomes my ‘home’.

Home:

Orderly – I have a place for things and I address and tend to all components as necessary.

Safe – it is a safe place/space because as I establish the environment I want to create, such as developing self-acceptance (no judgment) and self-discipline (stopping OCD patterns, keeping everything in order etc), my mistakes, falls and slip-ups are immediately forgiven, and the slate is clean for me to learn from the experience and try again. In my home environment, internal and external, I forgive myself, I learn, I expand.

Directed - Home is where I prioritize what needs to get done, and I move myself through the tasks. This is Self-direction, where I am the one that assesses my home’s needs – my body as food, water, exercise, relaxation etc… my house as groceries, cleaning, decorating etc… in my home, I push myself to get everything that needs to get done, done.

Update:

I have really enjoyed living this re-defined word. I have been making spots for everything in my environment, and pushing to stay consistent with putting items back in their place. I have made some small investments into decorations, candles, plants and furniture that I chose from a starting point of creating my space as my home.

The process of self-change is not an instantaneous one, and I know it will take time. But already I am experiencing myself differently in my environment. It is warm and comforting and I do feel at home there, more so now than ever. I also find myself doing more constructive things in my space, which is always cool. Greatful to have learned the process of re-defining and living words, as I have expanded my living vocabulary to include more words to support me at work, out with friends, and while I'm alone with tasks and obligations.

Check out this video on redefining words, and how it can change YOUR life!

How can you practically redefine words within yourself and your life? How can you practice and expand yourself within Living Words? Why is it important to practice redefining words in preparation for learning how to effectively live them and make them a part of yourself and your everyday life?

And this Amazing EQAFE support: 

Home & Everything in it - Relationship Success Support 
 "How does your home environment become an extension of you?
What happens on a Quantum Physical level within you when you see each item that you have in your home environment?
Why does the way that your partner interacts with the things in your home environment have the potential to have a significant effect on you?"

 

Day 136- Why Do We Fear Making the Genuine Decision to Change?

          Within this blog I am exploring the self-compromise I have accepted and allowed in my life due to sub-consciously sabotaging myself in so many ways. I do this because it creates chaos in my world from which I can cry ‘helplessness’, thus giving myself the excuse to not have to stand up and face reality, and not have to stand up and change for real.

This blog is continued from Day 135- Stop, and Change, where I wrote out the self-forgiveness statements that allowed me to put my guard down and dig a little deeper into this sub-conscious self-manipulation. The realizations that have been coming forth within this process of writing explain SOOO much of why things just seem to ‘never work out’ for me, and these are points of sub-conscious doings that I missed within my entire series of writing out my troubles at school. However, within that series I exposed myself to myself in so many ways and peeled back some top layers so that I am now here, at this point, where I am seeing the nitty-gritty details of the lies I have been living. 

Small lies, probably millions of them told only to myself, mostly affecting no one directly but myself, and creating a crumbling foundation from which building strength, integrity, will-power and stability would be impossible. Now I simply have to take it all down and start again in such a way where I am honest with myself and who and how I really am, so that the foundation of Who I Am is something I can build into something I can trust and depend on. This can only be proven to me, by me, over time.

          Below are the self-commitment statements and self-corrective application statements that I have derived from the self-forgiveness statements in my previous blog. 

          The self-forgiveness statements expose me to myself in such a way that I can handle it because it is done within forgiveness, within the understanding that from here on out I will stop these ways, and change them. The self-commitment and self-corrective application statements assist and support me to practically script myself out, because in changing one has nothing to refer to or fall back on when difficult moments arise. If  don’t script myself out, I will not be able to trust myself to see, realize, understand, stop and change all in one moment- Especially because that ‘one moment’ is the ‘moment of truth’. It is the moment where everything is coming together and old patterns and habits kick in automatically and with a vengeance  In that moment it is too easy to become confused, uncertain, overwhelmed, give up and fall back in to my old ways. It is simply too easy to do so if I don’t have a plan, a practical script that I wrote by myself, for myself, in a way that I understand exactly what’s going on and what would be the absolute best and most practical thing for me to do, or action for me to take, that will lead to, over time, creating results that support me and that are best for me in my life. Thus over time, creating a ‘me’ that I can depend on and trust.

I commit myself to stop feeding my addiction to the energetic experience of control by stopping myself in those moments where I see that I am participating in self-sabotage which slowly over time, moment by moment, creates a lack of control in my life and world, and I know very well when those moments are, and I commit myself to looking at myself self-honestly so that I can identify those moments with clarity, directness and assertiveness.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in the self-sabotage that leads to loss of control (giving up on tasks/not seeing things through, ignoring issues, procrastinating, taking too long/being late ec…) I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to assertiveness, self-direction and clarity within myself by reminding myself that as within, so without: as I direct my external world with clarity, assertiveness and self-direction, so will I direct my internal world as such, and vice versa, until I am back in control of my thoughts, words and deeds in every moment.

I commit myself to learn what real commitment really is, by seeing tasks through till I am satisfied that I have directed them through to completion in the best way possible.

When and as I see that I am quitting on something, letting it go, considering it ‘dealt with’ before I am completely satisfied that it is done, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-commitment by reminding myself that it will create a LOT more work for me to do something half-assed than it will for me to out in the time and dedication to see the task through in the moment, and within the understanding that in the moment, I will bombard myself with excuses, justifications and validations for why I don’t have to finish, in whch case I use the tool of breath to breathe through and simply move myself till it is done.

I commit myself to bring my life and world back into control by specifically focusing on those tasks that I judge as difficult, and to see them through to the end within the understanding that it will be very difficult IN FACT if I listen to all my justifications, validations and excuses.

I commit myself to see through the lies I tell myself about how ‘I can’t do it’ and ‘it’s too hard’, because I see, realize and understand that I do this in order to not change, and to justify not changing, by keeping myself trapped in the illusion that I am helpless.

When and as I see that I am judging something as ‘difficult’ or ‘complicated’ I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself back to self-honesty within the realization that there is always a solution and a way to do it, it’s just a matter of taking a moment to figure it out, and then sticking to the solutions I decide upon. If it doesn’t work out, I learn, and then apply what I have learned and do it again until I am satisfied or until it is effective.


From previous blog:

"I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking control of my Life and world because then I would be responsible and accountable, whereas if everything is out of control then I don’t really have to step up to the plate."


I commit myself to make the genuine decision to change and to not just use self-forgiveness and partial-change to avoid negative consequences that I have thus far accepted and allowed myself to generate in my life due to avoiding taking complete self-responsibility.

I commit myself to investigate my desire to not change through writing self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective application statements so that I can practically apply myself in my world in a way that leads to actual change.

I commit myself to investigate and expose to myself the reasons for which I do not want to change in the utmost detail, so that I no longer use uncertainty as an excuse to continue to sabotage myself and keep myself enslaved to those parts of myself that I do not have control over, but which instead control and direct me.

When and as I see that I am letting go of my self-control and my self-direction in moments where it feels as though I do not have the integrity and will power to direct myself, I stop, and I breathe. I accept and allow myself to simply stop, and let go/breathe through the energetic experience I am creating thus accepting and allowing myself to face that which I am avoiding, which is the absolute fear that lies beneath the experience of uncertainty, so that I can stand up from within and as it, and assert myself as Who I Am in that moment, stating “I Am Here”, “I direct me”, “I decide who and how am am/going to be in this moment, NOT uncertainty and not FEAR, but MYSELF as the self-directive principle of me”, and I stop. I stop generating the constant and continuous internal experience of uncertainty, fear and the helplessness to stop it.

I commit myself to write myself out, and to expose to myself the ways in which I have created and manifested the helplessness that I fall into in moments of fear.

I commit myself to be the integrity and will power that I am min the face of that which I have thus far allowed to conquer and control me.


To learn the basics of self-forgiveness, sign up for the free course at DIPLITE, try it for yourself, you will be surprised at how you can surprise yourself.

Hi, My Name is Kim

It has recently been brought to my attention that the name I was given actually has an effect on Who I Am. So what does that mean? It means that Who I Am I terms of how I feel, what I do, how I act, how I react to people, how I interact- everything that makes me, everything that I thought I was the ‘boss’ of and ‘decision maker’ of, can actually be running itself based on the reactions I experience to things as seemingly simple and harmless as words, such as my name. These reactions bring up memories and thoughts, feelings and emotions which are not necessarily of my choosing, it is almost as if it is automatic, as if it were a program.

And if you think about it- it really is like a program. I experience something in my world, say- someone says my name in an angry tone, and all of a sudden- as if by magic, I am experiencing myself differently than I was seconds earlier. Maybe I'm feeling fearful, rigid, tense etc.. Why? Because of memories where someone said my name in an angry tone and then something happened that allowed me to justify the negative experience occurring within me, such as something like a negative consequence as being yelled at or being punished.

It was not my choosing to select and bring forth such memories, I mean, why would I want to experience that again, or experience it every time someone says my name in an angry tone.?The truth is, I wouldn't- yet I do, without even realizing it. Because I have it programmed into me that a certain tone associated to my name triggers a certain chemical to release into my blood and cause me to experience myself a certain way, which usually impacts everything I do while I’m experiencing it, so that the outflows of that chemical release as a feeling or emotion, actually ripples through me, changes Who I AM, and then has an influence or impact on those around me through my interaction with them, as well as everything I do. So, as simple and seemingly insignificant as these programs may seem, they actually have a lot of influence, if you consider they are occurring all the time and within everyone.
These programs are determined by the things we previously experienced, which become memories and  feeling or emotional experiences, and the personalities we developed to cope with those experiences, which are like a cast of characters (such as, for me, ‘school Kim’, ‘work Kim’, ‘social life Kim’, ‘family Kim’, ‘girlfriend or wife Kim’, ‘friend Kim’, ‘girl next door Kim’, ‘sad or happy Kim’, ‘confident Kim’, ‘insecure Kim’ and so on… you get the point), and then the thoughts, feelings and emotions which are triggered and stem up from these characters and manifest inside of us as internal experiences which then effect the way, the who, and the how that we are (for example: ‘friend Kim’ likes to go out and be social, but ‘insecure Kim’ would rather stay home and eat junk food and watch tv, or ‘confidant Kim’ studies hard and stays on top of her work, but that is sabotaged by ‘sad Kim’ who mopes around and procrastinates and feels that life is pointless).

So, where in all this, is my agency? I mean, yes, throughout my life here and there I have applied myself with everything I have and followed through on something, but even within those endeavors, was I completely in control of Who I Am, within my life and world? Was I in control every time I spoke with my mom, dad, husband, sister, nieces and nephews, teachers, friends etc… or did I get angry, frustrated, insulted, annoyed, excited, motivated etc…thus triggering characters? How about when I wanted to eat healthy or exercise, watch less tv, call my grandmother, stop after this drink, stop after this bite, walk the dog more, read more, be patient with my coworkers, speak up in class, start assignments sooner, loosen up in social groups, learn to listen, express myself more clearly, stop biting my nails, take shorter showers, use natural cleaners? – Meaning, even during the times in my life where I made decisions and saw them through to completion, can I really say that, in every moment, it was ME who was living and making every decision? Or how often was it one of my cast of characters? In other words, how much of it was being run on these automatic programs that developed within the first seven or so years of my life? And so- how many of our daily actions can we really say we make the directive decision to do, when we do them, and how well we do them? And how much of what we do is just being pulled around on auto-pilot, by some seemingly all powerful force that we don’t even realize is directing us and pulling the strings in our lives.
I am going to look at this automation by looking at my name, ‘Kim’, and to look at the memories I’ve associated with it based on the tonality with which it is spoken to me, and how that tonality actually affects the entirety of the way and the Who that I am. Is it ME,  or is it the pre-designed memory-based character that is activated based on the memories triggered by the tonality of voice used when and as my name is spoken? And again-this functions the exact same way for everyone. And if you follow this blog series on ‘Names’ , you will see there is a very interesting surprise, which you will be able to look at and apply in your own life, that may answer a lot of questions about who we are and why we are the way we are in this context.
In my next blog, I will look at three examples of name tonalities, the reactions experienced toward them, and the memories associated with them.

Day 31- Quitting Love- No Sense of Self

            This blog post is a continuation of my post titled “What is Left After Love?” As I continue to walk through letting go of my addiction to ‘love,’ which extends beyond only relationship/romantic ‘love,’ to all forms of what I believed and had defined myself according to what I thought was ‘love.’ It’s not love, and I don’t know what to call the experience I used to define as ‘love.’ It was an experience I would create within me, a positive energetic experience that I sought in all relationships, which I completely compromised myself in order to obtain from these relationships, based on feedback which I would interpret and then react to within myself as the experience  of ‘love.’

            But, as I said, it was not love. It was absolute disregard for Who I Really Am, which, leaves me feeling just kind of empty and lost. But at some core place within me, I’m okay. It’s similar to when I quit weed and alcohol, wherein, because I was not receiving the ‘highs,’ I immediately wanted to interpret the experience as a ‘low,' wherein I was left feeling like, "what do I do now."  But then I slowly realized that “I’m okay,” “I’m still Here.”

  Yet, I am not completely Here, as I must quit and let go of all my inner energetic feeling and emotional experiences because now I see them for what they are: absolute self-compromise. The crazy thing is, looking back, it’s like I knew it all along. I was aware of every time I manipulated, converted and contorted myself to fit a role, gain an experience, or please myself or another. Every time I diminished myself, went into superiority or lied to myself about who I was… I knew. And I still know.

            So, now the decision has to be made: who will I be? I guess that’s the big question. In looking for an answer to that question, I look to the only thing that has been consistent, supportive and unconditional, which is my breath and my physical body. These are ‘parts of’ me that have never abused or compromised me. Only myself as my mind has done that. I’m like this little passenger in this vessel, and the vessel has been my life-support, but my whole life I have judged it, abused it (literally), been ashamed of it, or flaunted it as if it were my possession. It is not my possession, it is all that I am, thus, it is so much greater than me as a passenger, who has not honoured it.  Yet it is absolutelyequal to all other physical substance that’s Here. That is a concept that we passengers find hard to grasp, because we so badly want to be the stars of the show and have it be ‘all about us.’ But we are absolutely dependent upon our vessels, and in fact, they are the only thing that is real about any of us.

            So, forgiveness on this point is at the same time long overdue and only possible now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and abuse myself as my physical body, as I as ‘the passenger’ as my mind took absolute control and subjugated my body instead of realizing it is/was the only thing about me that has ever been real.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted or allowed myself to honour my body in/for every moment that it has unconditionally supported me, which is in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I as a mind am/was the star of the show, that my internal experience of myself was all that mattered, and then judged my body as ‘less than, ‘shameful,’ and ‘imperfect.’

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that my physical body is perfect, because it is exactly what it is supposed to be- physical matter/substance, and the only imperfections are those which I have caused due to abuse over time, conditioning and habits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also have participated within the polarity of judging my body as ‘beautiful,’ ‘sexy,’ and ‘seductive,’ etc… and then limited myself by defining myself according to these judgments, judgments which shifted and changed from day to day, thus causing me to experience ups and downs, and instead of stopping my participation within these polarity cycles, I blamed my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my physical body for my negative internal experiences, wherein I would cause myself to pump myself full of chemicals associated with shame and self-loathing, causing my body to endure such chemical and energetic rushes which takes away from it as it I abused it to support my fleeting emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my physical body as I slowly accept and allow myself to waste away, instead of realizing that I was wasting the only thing I ever really was for that which I never really was, which is experience- fleeting and limited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose that which I never really had, for that which I already am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value that which destroys me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be that which destroys me, so thoroughly that I became it, and thus continued to destroy me, as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to believe, and to base who I am upon beliefs and ideas, ideals and fantasy, instead of looking at the actual reality that is Here, wherein it is all so obvious and the evidence and signs of it are everywhere, yet in it, as it, I couldn’t see it.

When and as I see myself looking for experience out of fear of ‘not knowing what else to do,’ ‘who to be,’ or ‘who I am without roles,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding that I am still okay, I am still Here, and I will always have me, within and as each breath. I remind myself that it’s okay to not know who/how to be, and it’s better to do nothing than to try/attempt to be what I’m not for the sake of experience.

I commit myself to continue opening my eyes, and to teach myself about that which is actually Here, by looking, seeing, realizing and understanding, and giving myself the platform of self-support that can provide through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to walking this process into the physical, because now I truly see what a sham it all is/was/has been and will continue to be if we keep on ‘living’ the way we are currently accepting and allowing ourselves to love.

I commit myself to honour and move within and as my physical body in every moment of breath.

I remind myself:

One step at a time

I am Here

In every moment