This blog is continued from days 93- My name is Kim, 94- My Name is Kim but Who Am I Really? And 99- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really? (Layout)
Thoughts:
1) This image or snapshot of someone looking me right in the eyes, about to tell me something I’ve done horribly wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name in a disappointed tone, to the thought of someone staring me in the eyes and about to tell me something I’ve done horribly wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name in a disappointed tone to the thought of someone looking right at me about to tell me I’ve done something horribly wrong because I hold within me the belief that I’ve done something horribly wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have, in private moments with only myself as judge, done things which I knew were ‘wrong’, meaning, things that were less-than who I am, such as not doing my schoolwork because of the belief that ‘I am not able’, when in fact, in common sense, I did not know if I was actually able or not, because I did not push myself to try, or I gave up when I judged it as ‘hard’ or ‘difficult’, and instead of seeking assistance and support, I gave up on me, making the statement that I am ‘less-than’ the task, thus disempowering myself instead of pushing myself to learn and grow and push the limits of what I believe I could/can be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to align myself with self-disappointment connected the sound of my name spoken in a disappointed tone because I hold self-disappointment within and as me, due to the fact that I have disempowered myself in moments of opportunity when I could have pushed myself to grow and expand, however instead I limited myself and became less, and instead of changing, I instead created and manifested disappointment within and as me, thus creating cycles of disempowerment and then disappointment, which is ‘activated’ and brought to the fore when I hear my name spoken in a disappointed tone, because my name represents me and the relationship I have developed with myself in secret, which is then exposed to me through the reactions I experience when my name is spoken in certain tonalities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of stopping and investigating the emotions and feeling reactions upon hearing my name in a disappointed tone to reveal what aspect of my self-relationship is being exposed, I would rather experience the emotions and feelings as if they were being done ‘unto me’ by the person speaking my name, as if the person speaking has the ability to disempower me, when in fact the disempowerment and disappointment only ever had to do with my uninvestigated relationship to myself.
2) This image or snapshot of me in a waiting room.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name spoken in a disappointed tone to the thought of myself in a waiting room.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name to the thought of myself in a waiting room because I have separated myself from my relationship to self, to a relationship to others, wherein instead of confronting myself directly within what I am doing to myself, I wait in fear and anticipation for others to expose it to me, hoping it will not be exposed within and as the emotional and feeling reactions I experience to the sound of my name in a disappointed tone, but knowing full well that I will, because I have not corrected the behavior that disappoints me, nor have I corrected the disempowering reaction of self-disappointment, to the empowering action of self-investigation, which involves stopping and changing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of ‘waiting’ in fear and anticipation for when my name might be spoken in a tone that will expose me to myself, because I have given others the power to do so by having a secret relationship to myself which I have not fully investigated, and within this:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for the inevitable self-exposure rather than investigate my self-relationship and expose myself to myself in every moment, until I have cleared and changed that relationship to one that is best for all as myself in every way, leaving nothing left to be exposed.
3) The sight of my teacher’s face from my desk.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name spoken in a disappointed tone to the thought of my teacher’s face from my desk, because I am reflecting myself off of her, thus separating myself from my teacher, within the belief that it is HER exposing me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that her face is actually a representation of me looking into myself at all the things I have accepted and allowed which I then manifested a reaction of disappointment towards, as all of these things come up in the moment of hearing my name being called in a disappointed tone, because I am wondering to myself, which of these things might she name, that I do not want to see or admit is true or take responsibility for.
Self-corrective statements to follow.
It has recently been brought to my attention that the name I was given actually
has an effect on Who I Am. So what does that mean? It means that
Who I Am I terms of how I feel, what I do, how I act, how I react to people,
how I interact- everything that makes me, everything that I thought I was the
‘boss’ of and ‘decision maker’ of, can actually be running itself based on the
reactions I experience to things as seemingly simple and harmless as words,
such as my name. These reactions bring up memories and thoughts, feelings and emotions which are not necessarily of my
choosing, it is almost as if it is automatic, as if it were a program.
And if
you think about it- it really is like a program. I experience something in my
world, say- someone says my name in an angry tone, and all of a sudden- as if
by magic, I am experiencing myself differently than I was seconds earlier. Maybe I'm feeling fearful, rigid, tense etc.. Why?
Because of memories where someone said my name in an angry tone and then
something happened that allowed me to justify the negative experience occurring
within me, such as something like a negative consequence as being yelled at or
being punished.
It was not my choosing to select and bring forth such memories,
I mean, why would I want to experience that again, or experience it every time
someone says my name in an angry tone.?The truth is, I wouldn't- yet I do,
without even realizing it. Because I have it programmed into me that a certain tone associated to my name
triggers a certain chemical to release into my blood and cause me to experience
myself a certain way, which usually impacts everything I do while I’m
experiencing it, so that the outflows of that chemical release as a feeling or
emotion, actually ripples through me, changes Who I AM, and then has an influence or
impact on those around me through my interaction with them, as well as everything I do. So, as simple and seemingly
insignificant as these programs may seem, they actually have a lot of influence,
if you consider they are occurring all the time and within everyone.
These programs are determined by the things we previously experienced, which
become memories and feeling or emotional experiences, and the personalities we developed to cope
with those experiences, which are like a cast of characters (such as, for me,
‘school Kim’, ‘work Kim’, ‘social life Kim’, ‘family Kim’, ‘girlfriend or wife
Kim’, ‘friend Kim’, ‘girl next door Kim’, ‘sad or happy Kim’, ‘confident Kim’,
‘insecure Kim’ and so on… you get the point), and then the thoughts, feelings
and emotions which are triggered and stem up from these characters and manifest inside of us as
internal experiences which then effect the way, the who, and the how that we are
(for example: ‘friend Kim’ likes to go out and be social, but ‘insecure Kim’
would rather stay home and eat junk food and watch tv, or ‘confidant Kim’
studies hard and stays on top of her work, but that is sabotaged by ‘sad Kim’
who mopes around and procrastinates and feels that life is pointless).
So, where in all this, is my agency? I mean, yes, throughout my life here and
there I have applied myself with everything I have and followed through on
something, but even within those endeavors, was I completely in control
of Who I Am, within my life and world? Was I in control every time I spoke with
my mom, dad, husband, sister, nieces and nephews, teachers, friends etc… or did I get angry,
frustrated, insulted, annoyed, excited, motivated etc…thus triggering characters? How about when I wanted
to eat healthy or exercise, watch less tv, call my grandmother,
stop after this drink, stop after this bite, walk the dog more, read more, be
patient with my coworkers, speak up in class, start assignments sooner, loosen
up in social groups, learn to listen, express myself more clearly, stop biting my nails, take shorter
showers, use natural cleaners? – Meaning, even during the times in my life
where I made decisions and saw them through to completion, can
I really say that, in every moment, it was ME who was living and making every
decision? Or how often was it one of my cast of characters? In other words, how much of it was being run on these automatic programs that
developed within the first seven or so years of my life? And so- how many of our daily
actions can we really say we make the directive decision to do, when we do
them, and how well we do them? And how much of what we do is just being pulled
around on auto-pilot, by some seemingly all powerful force that we don’t even
realize is directing us and pulling the strings in our lives.
I am going to look at this automation by looking at my name, ‘Kim’, and to look
at the memories I’ve associated with it based on the tonality with which it is
spoken to me, and how that tonality actually affects the entirety of the way and the Who that I
am. Is it ME, or is it the pre-designed memory-based character that
is activated based on the memories triggered by the tonality of voice used when
and as my name is spoken? And again-this functions the exact same way for
everyone. And if you follow this blog series on ‘Names’ , you will see there is
a very interesting surprise, which you will be able to look at and apply in
your own life, that may answer a lot of questions about who we are and why we are the way
we are in this context.
In my next blog, I will look at three examples of name tonalities, the
reactions experienced toward them, and the memories associated with them.
