This blog is continued from days 93- My name isKim, 94- My Name is Kim but Who Am I Really? , 99- My Name is Kim, but Who AmI Really? (Layout), and:
Day 100- Secret Self-Relationship- And that is the suprise, that is what is behind the reactions we experience to our names being spoken in different tonalities, it is the exposure to none but ourelves, what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves, that no one else knows but us. We can be whoever we want in secret, so what does who we are in secret say about who we Really are?
Whatsoever is a secret now will be revealed eventually- might as well expose self to self in self-forgiveness so as not to have to face much nastiness later on.
Self-corrective statements (how I will change) for the self-forgiveness within yesterday's blog: Day 100- Secret Self-Relationship:
When and as I hear my name in a disappointed tone, I stop, and I breathe.
I stop the thought of someone staring me in the eyes, about to tell me
something I’ve done horribl wrong, the thought of being in a waiting room,
nervous, fearful
and anxious, and the thought of a teacher’s face, looking at me from across the
room. I bring myself back Here by reminding
myself that these thoughts
are not by my directive choice, but are popping up as if automatically, as I
have programmed them into my memory, in order to keep me in fear and to remained
enslaved to the automaticity of the mind, instead of being the directive
principle of the mind.
When and as I create and manifest the experience of ‘having done something
horribly wrong’ when I hear my name called in a disappointed tone, I stop, and
I breathe. I bring myself back to self-directive principle by letting go of the
emotional
energy
with breath, within the understanding that anything I’ve done horribly wrong, I
will take responsibility for and direct until it is corrected.
When and as I see
that the disappointment I hold in relation to my self-relationship, wherein, in
private moment, I had done things that were less than Who I Am- when and as that
comes up when I hear my name spoken in a disappointed tone, I bring myself back
to self-direction within the understanding that I am forgiven because I did not
understand at the time
what I was doing, but now that I see, realize and understand how the mind works
in this way, I commit myself to, in private moments, not let myself down by
being less than Who I Am, because I see, realize and understand that it will
always ‘come back to haunt me’, by directing me as self-disappointment and fear
of exposure in moments when I’m least expecting it.
Within this, I commit myself to push myself to walk through tasks and
assignment that I’ve judged
as hard, by taking them bit by bit, and asking for assistance when needed.
I commit myself to become one and equal to the tasks I do, wherein I stop judging them
as ‘easy’ or ‘hard’, but instead walk through them and apply myself more or
less as needed, without any additional judgment, ideas, self-definitions or
beliefs.
When and as I see that I am facing a moment of challenge/opportunity where I
see I can either push through or give up, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself
back to self-direction within the realization and understanding that if I do
not push through, I will inevitably face the same situation again later,
wherein it will be harder, because not only will I have to face the challenge,
but I will also have to face the fact that I had previously given up. I push
myself to strengthen and grow by pushing myself through moments of wanting to
give up, within the understanding that there really is no alternative.
When and as I see myself reacting to my name as if the reaction had been ‘done
unto me’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-aware self-responsibility
by looking at what the reaction is, and tracing it back to the point within my relationship
to myself that I fear being exposed.
I commit myself to clear the relationship
I have formed with myself, through self-investigation and self-forgiveness,
within this:
I commit myself to re-create a relationship with myself that is self-honest and
self-responsible wherein I always consider and act according to the principles
of oneness and equality, and doing what’s best for all, as myself, as life.
When and as I see myself fearing self-exposure and waiting instead for ‘forced’
exposure, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by
looking at the point within and as self-forgiveness; I simply forgive,
understand, and script my self-change.
When and as I see myself waiting in fear and anticipation to be exposed, I
stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the
understanding that no matter what is exposed, I will forgive, direct and
correct it. I remind myself that only I am capable and responsible for doing
this, thus no one outside of me has the power to ‘make’ me feel a certain way.
I am responsible for MY mind.
I commit myself to expose myself to myself in every moment possible, until,
over time, I have cleared my self-relationship through self-forgiveness and
self-change.
When and as I see myself reacting to my name being called in a certain specific
tone triggering reactions within me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back
to awareness within the understanding that I am reacting to myself, which is
separation from myself, so I embrace the reactions as one with me, I stop them
as me, and I change
them to breath- as myself as breath.
This blog is continued from days 93- My name is Kim, 94- My Name is Kim but Who Am I Really? And 99- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really? (Layout)
Thoughts:
1) This image or snapshot of someone looking me right in the eyes, about to tell me something I’ve done horribly wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name in a disappointed tone, to the thought of someone staring me in the eyes and about to tell me something I’ve done horribly wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name in a disappointed tone to the thought of someone looking right at me about to tell me I’ve done something horribly wrong because I hold within me the belief that I’ve done something horribly wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have, in private moments with only myself as judge, done things which I knew were ‘wrong’, meaning, things that were less-than who I am, such as not doing my schoolwork because of the belief that ‘I am not able’, when in fact, in common sense, I did not know if I was actually able or not, because I did not push myself to try, or I gave up when I judged it as ‘hard’ or ‘difficult’, and instead of seeking assistance and support, I gave up on me, making the statement that I am ‘less-than’ the task, thus disempowering myself instead of pushing myself to learn and grow and push the limits of what I believe I could/can be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to align myself with self-disappointment connected the sound of my name spoken in a disappointed tone because I hold self-disappointment within and as me, due to the fact that I have disempowered myself in moments of opportunity when I could have pushed myself to grow and expand, however instead I limited myself and became less, and instead of changing, I instead created and manifested disappointment within and as me, thus creating cycles of disempowerment and then disappointment, which is ‘activated’ and brought to the fore when I hear my name spoken in a disappointed tone, because my name represents me and the relationship I have developed with myself in secret, which is then exposed to me through the reactions I experience when my name is spoken in certain tonalities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of stopping and investigating the emotions and feeling reactions upon hearing my name in a disappointed tone to reveal what aspect of my self-relationship is being exposed, I would rather experience the emotions and feelings as if they were being done ‘unto me’ by the person speaking my name, as if the person speaking has the ability to disempower me, when in fact the disempowerment and disappointment only ever had to do with my uninvestigated relationship to myself.
2) This image or snapshot of me in a waiting room.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name spoken in a disappointed tone to the thought of myself in a waiting room.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name to the thought of myself in a waiting room because I have separated myself from my relationship to self, to a relationship to others, wherein instead of confronting myself directly within what I am doing to myself, I wait in fear and anticipation for others to expose it to me, hoping it will not be exposed within and as the emotional and feeling reactions I experience to the sound of my name in a disappointed tone, but knowing full well that I will, because I have not corrected the behavior that disappoints me, nor have I corrected the disempowering reaction of self-disappointment, to the empowering action of self-investigation, which involves stopping and changing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of ‘waiting’ in fear and anticipation for when my name might be spoken in a tone that will expose me to myself, because I have given others the power to do so by having a secret relationship to myself which I have not fully investigated, and within this:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for the inevitable self-exposure rather than investigate my self-relationship and expose myself to myself in every moment, until I have cleared and changed that relationship to one that is best for all as myself in every way, leaving nothing left to be exposed.
3) The sight of my teacher’s face from my desk.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name spoken in a disappointed tone to the thought of my teacher’s face from my desk, because I am reflecting myself off of her, thus separating myself from my teacher, within the belief that it is HER exposing me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that her face is actually a representation of me looking into myself at all the things I have accepted and allowed which I then manifested a reaction of disappointment towards, as all of these things come up in the moment of hearing my name being called in a disappointed tone, because I am wondering to myself, which of these things might she name, that I do not want to see or admit is true or take responsibility for.
Self-corrective statements to follow.
This is a
continuation of my last blogs, Days 71, 72, 73 & 74- “Falling in the Face
of Confrontation”. I should have called them “The Fear of Falling in the Face of Confrontation, because it is
that ‘fear’ which I am focusing on. It’s really the fear of people, which has
many dimensions, and the one I’m focusing on is the fear of potential
confrontation wherein, I participate in the thoughts that at any moment, if I
step out of line within an interaction, I can/will upset the person, and they
will react, and that will ‘make’ me ‘feel bad’ which I describe as ‘taking my
power away.’ It feels as though I’m having my power taken away because, in that
moment of ‘feeling bad’ I shut down, suppress, restrict/restrain/control
myself. I even start to do this before a confrontation occurs, just to be safe
in order to avoid a potential
confrontation. This pattern, over time, leads me to express only a glimmer of
Who I Really Am, and the enjoyment and fun and quality of the interaction is completely
diminished, as I am diminished when I accept/allow myself to be/become a slave
to my mind like this.
In my last
few blogs I took apart an event (Day 71) through self-forgiveness (Day 72), and
I wrote it out through to self-commitments and self-corrective application
(Days 73 & 74). In this blog, I will walk through another event in which I experienced
the fear of confrontation as the fear of ‘having my power taken away’: The
situation is a simple one, it involved me revealing a decision I had made to
some people who very likely would not approve. I experienced several waves of
fear before telling them. It was this not wanting to share my decision, keep it
a secret, suppress it, hide it and don’t let anybody know about it, instead of
standing as it. And this is very much how I experience myself within myself- as
this hiding, keeping secret, suppressing, or
restricting/restraining/controlling. I see that the decision was in fact a part
of me that I was exposing, and then the part of me that wanted to keep it
hidden/secret, is the part that I’ve abdicated- that’s the part that lays
itself down and lets the fear walk all over it. I ended up speaking my
decision, because I had to, and it was a bit of a rocky road for me within the
conversation that took place afterwards. I felt like I had to defend myself and
convince the others that the decision was a ‘good’ one- again seeking
validation/approval.
It is my
responsibility to stop accepting/allowing myself to do this to myself, and to instead
honour myself- all of me- and stand as that decision in every moment, because I cannot honour all of Life, if I do not even honour myself.
