Day 238: From the Root to the Fruit - How We Create Our Demonic Minds

In light of recent school shootings, I would like to share some self-forgiveness I have been working on. This is something I practice in my own time, daily, as I walk a process of self-correction, In this, I re-visit memories from childhood, to see and show how in seemingly 'innocent' childhood moments, the seeds can be planted to create inner demons later on in life, depending on life circumstances, experiences, interactions and events.

I went through a very short period of experimenting with bullying when I was younger. The experience left me with an impression of myself that I was not proud of, and thus hid. In order to make the below statements, I re-visited these memories and looked at hidden experience within them as if I was living them here in the present moment.

It is like visiting the mind of a child as he/she is creating him/herself, and developing his/her understanding of reality, only now, doing it as an adult with greater understanding and awareness, giving my 'past self' words to describe the experience because, at the time, I had no idea about what i was feeling, and why I was doing the things I was doing. I had no words nor vocabulary for it.

This is but one brief experience in a lifetime. All of our experiences will effect us in some way and to varying degrees and intensities, depending on how intense the initial experience was, and then how much energy was put into growing and morphing it over time as the experience grows and evolves as the human grows and evolves, or in many cases, devolves.

What I am showing here is an example of how to undo the impact experiences can have on us, by re-visiting the experience with the understanding of an adult. If we do not do this, our childhood events, traumas and misconceptions stay with us and continue to effect us in varying degrees throughout our lives.

Forgive the past to change the present, because there is in fact No Time, as the past is here with us as we create our future.

Within ignorance, there is innocence, and within innocence, there is ignorance, but within everything, there is self-responsibility.

Being a Bully

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully other children when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully other children because I liked the way it made me feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider only the way I feel, and not the effect I may be having on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume my words and actions do not impact others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume others are taking responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and emotions when I know that I am not because the words and actions of other effected me, how I felt about myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the feeling of bullying others because it made me feel better about myself, more powerful, confident and stronger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things that make me feel better ABOUT myself instead of making myself better, a better version of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only reason I liked feeling powerful, strong and confident was because I was not living these things in my every day life, and therefore I sought to FEEL them as EXPERIENCES only, all the while not realizing I was covering up my powerlessness, insecurity and weaknesses I was feeling in most other moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase power, strength and confidence as a feeling experience only, instead of a living doing and being these words as qualities that can be lived in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that feeling powerful, strong and confident means I have to diminish another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the world and life through the lens of competition and survival of the fittest, and feel I need to dominate and be the strong one by putting others down, thus securing my own survival, without realizing the impact it was having on myself, and without ever considering the experience of the other, only seeing them as a tool for me to use to strengthen myself/my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish and bully myself, and then act out that self-relationship on to others in my world, ‘bringing them down’ with me/as me as an act of spite, trying to get revenge by exerting my internal experience onto my outer reality, trying to change my external experience by changing my external one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully other kids in an attempt to appease myself in satisfaction, while deep down I knew that I was driving a wedge between us that I probably could never remove, and even though I regretted that, I still placed my own experience above the tragedy I was creating between two people, by taking the value away of connecting with another human being, and replacing it with personal self-satisfaction.

I forgive myself for chasing only personal self-satisfaction, without seeing, realizing and understanding that it always leads to self-diminishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for bullying other kids because I knew, and I saw the ugliness I was creating between us, and in my life, seeing the other child as innocent, and myself as the abuser, but instead of stopping I rather judged myself, and then hid that judgment in the depths of my mind, like a constant lurker ready to pounce, contributing to my dark mind that would stay with me and haunt/limit me for the rest of my life, thinking I am ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ and ‘tainted’ as self-judgments within life experiences accumulated over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed defeat to exist within and as me as I integrated and lived out the reality I saw in the world, instead of standing up for what I knew was ‘the right way’ in terms of actions and behaviours that would be beneficial and constructive, but thinking/believing/perceiving that for me to chose this path would make me weak, a target for others like me, the ‘loser’ and the ‘victim’, so I chose instead to become the aggressor, the bully, the ‘tough one’ that is not to be messed with, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that to choose the path of kindness, care, collaboration and understanding is to be internally strong, powerful, impactful, and to have that stand and stance of living by my principles and being/living the person that I want to see in this world.

I commit myself to look, explore and forgive my dark mind, and to take the steps towards transcending that of me which is not best for all by stopping the patterns, both internal and external, and changing them to living actions that are best for myself as best for all.

I commit myself to walk a process of giving myself that which I need to stand alone, within principle, despite the current reality of the world, and despite the challenges that come when one stands as the self-change that is necessary to in turn, change the world.

When and as I see that I am feeling that ‘feel good’ feeling of, in my mind, being ‘above’, ‘stronger’ in a ‘superior’ position to another, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to equality by reminding myself that I am only diminishing myself, my life, this reality and potentially the other person. I push myself to stop the energetic experience and simply be Here with the other, Hearing them, Understanding them and seeing their REAL value and potential and recognizing that also in myself.

Please Note: I am walking a process of self-change using the tools of support offered by www.Desteni.org. 

I am taking the course called DIP Pro. In this course I learn how to take every day moments and find ways to make myself a better, more understanding and well rounded human being, the kind of human being I would like to see in this world. "Be the change you want to see" is a cool saying, but actually doing it is a bit more confusing because people tend to believe that you can't change human nature. I believe you can, because I have seen myself changing to someone I've always wanted to be. Not there yet, but my motivation is fueled by the proof I have given to myself, which I have documented online every sep of the way, in my blogs and on youtube. DIP Pro requires serious dedication and commitment, it is ot for the faint of heart. 

If you want to test the waters for yourself, try the Lite version, it's called DIP Lite, and the best part is, it's free! Why? Because Desteni puts individual self-change above profit. Why does DIP Pro cost money? Because it costs money to exist in this world, and takes a dedicated team to run the program. Otherwise it would also be free.

Visit www.Desteni.org

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Getting Out of the Work: Fear Dimension

The fears I have in relation to the character or personality I have created around ‘getting out of the work’ are as follows:

1) I fear I will not understand this assignment and my work will reflect this, wherein I fear the teacher will think I’m stupid/dumb/slow.

2) I fear that if I start this work I will only see that I’m not capable of doing it so I might as well just not do it.

3) I fear I’ll never have time to do this properly, I’ve already pretty much failed”

Self-forgiveness for this self-limiting self-talk:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not understanding this assignment and my work will reflecting this lack of understanding, and that the teacher will think I’m dumb/stupid/slow, as a result of the underlying fears of failure and judgment I have created and manifested within and as me through past thoughts and memories, beliefs and judgments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have built up the fear that I will not understand my schoolwork based on the fact that I have stored and held on to the past memories, thoughts, judgments and beliefs about myself in relation to school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories, judgments, beliefs and thoughts in order to create fear within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself to remain trapped and enslaved to energetic experiences of the mind, such as fear, and I see, realize and understand that I could have also held onto the moments of academic success and all the moments where I exceeded my expectations which would then balance out the fact that I sometimes struggle, thus I see that I as the mind am not basing my self-perception and my view of my ability on an equal and one assessment of my history within school, but have rather manipulated the information in my mind, without any awareness, to create fear, which makes me want to give up and not face anything, thus keeping me limited and enslaved to the delusional assessment of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my ability to do the particular assignment I have to do before even opening the book and trying, or starting the assignment and ‘talking myself into fear’ by participating in my mind of fears wherein I will automatically assume I will not understand, automatically assume my work will be unclear/wrong/bad, and automatically assume my teacher will judge me as such, instead of making sure I understand the objective of the assignment, and then opening the book and taking it one part at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the fear that trying/applying myself is a risk because it may only serve to prove my fear that I won’t be able to do the assignment well, instead of facing that fear and simply moving myself to begin, within the realization and understanding that even if I don’t understand it, it’s not the end of the world, it simply means that I will have to direct the situation, by either asking for assistance/support from my TA or teacher, or re-reading the assignment more closely, more slowly, re-reading the question or taking a short break and looking at it again with a ‘fresh; eye.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that I will move myself effectively through my studies and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself that I will do what needs to be done in order to do the work and do it well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my assessment of myself within a lack of self-trust and an overabundance of self-doubt, despite that physical evidence and proof that I can in fact do it, and have been doing it well. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind of thoughts, feeling and emotions instead of the physical proof of who I am and how I am, and instead of looking forward and striving for more, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself, making it more difficult for me to do the work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure within my studies, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s not a matter of pass or fail, but rather a
process that I can build and improve upon, taking what I perceive as ‘failure’ instead as indicators of what the teacher wants me to do differently, and then to change/adjust my approach to the material differently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tempt myself to give up before I even start, because it is the easy way out that doesn’t require me to break old habits and patterns, let go of old beliefs and dare myself to walk through my fears towards self-expansion, as a ‘growing’, where the old must go in order for the new to develop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to let go and give up ‘the old’ self I had created because of the fact that it seems safe and secure and comfortable and known. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the ‘known’ as safe, secure and comfortable, and the unknown as scary, insecure and unsafe, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I make my true self ‘known’ every time I push myself or face my fears.

Self-committments and Self'Corrective Application statements to follow...

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

This blog contains the self-commitment and self-corrective application statements from the self-forgiveness I worked through in my last blog about not being able to concentrate within my studies.

These self-commitment and self-corrective application statements are very specifically tied to the self-forgiveness I did in my last blog. So, for context, please visit Day 107- Getting Out of the Work, and Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

I commit myself to stop perpetuating the ‘getting out of the work’ character by actually doing the work.

I commit myself to stop participating in the thought of there being a ‘whole big action-packed world’ ‘out there’, which I manifest right when I’m about to sit down and do work, within the realization that the world did not become all of a sudden more exciting now that I have decided to do work, but that I am creating illusions in my mind and projecting them on to ‘the world’ in order to take myself away from actually applying myself, and bring me back into the mind of ‘getting out of the work’, because that way, I will always submit to my mind as I had created it, instead of me being able to simply make the decision that I am doing the work now, and then to just do it without reactions from the mind, as I should have created myself in the first place.

When and as I see that I am being ‘pulled away’ from my work by my mind, I assert myself by saying NO, I will not follow that energetic pull, I breathe through the withdrawal experience that I know will come, I can take a little self-directed break, walk around, stretch, breathe, and then settle down within the directive decision of doing my work properly, the first time.

I commit myself to stop skimming through my readings, frantically searching for key words in an attempt to get ‘the answer’ as quickly as possible, and instead:

I commit myself to read through my reading strategically, slowly, with a firm understanding of the question, wherein I look for concepts and then expand upon them within my understanding.

When and as I see that I am skimming through a reading in such a way that I am only reading words, skimming through words looking for key words only without any real focus, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the pace of the physical by slowing myself down, re-reading the question, and then proceeding to do the reading with patience, awareness and effective breathing, making sure that if I’m not understanding the words, that I go back and re-read them in order to find my place and patiently develop and integrate an understanding that I am able to convey in my own words.

I commit myself to stop the thoughts that push me away from applying myself in my studies, such as “this is so boring/slow/cumbersome/pointless”.

I commit myself to stop the thoughts that pull me away from my studies as they come up, such as “there is a whole action packed and fun world out there that I am missing out on”, by stopping my participation in and as them, by diligently taking a breath each time the though comes up, and reminding myself that I had made the directive decision to do my studies, so that is what I will myself to do in that moment.

When and as I see that thoughts are coming up which are pushing me or pulling me away from doing my studies, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the directive principle of me by reminding myself that so long as I can’t effectively move myself to do something as simple as study/read coursework, then I will be a literal slave to my feelings, emotions, wants and desires. Thus I push myself to stand up within the energetic experience of being pushed and pulled away from my schoolwork- I stand as the diligence, the discipline, the patience and the commitment I endeavor to be and become the directive decision maker of my actions, thoughts, words and deeds.

I commit myself to stop my participation in the polarity judgment of how I spend my time, such as work=bad/boring, not working=fun/good, and instead:

I commit myself to apply myself in whatever activity I choose to do, within and as simple, self-directed self-movement.
When and as I see that I am placing a judgment on the work I am doing, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to directive principle by reminding myself that judgments only create unnecessary energetic relationships to that which I choose to do, and that those energetic relationships cause me to create and manifest resistances within and as me, to/towards the ‘work’ I am doing, and draw/attract me to do other things which I have judged as ‘not work’/’fun’.

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

This blog contains the self-commitment and self-corrective application statements from the self-forgiveness I worked through in my last blog about not being able to concentrate within my studies.

Thus, this blog is a statement of that which I am willing to commit to, and the ways in which I will change my behavior (practical application of myself in my world), which will extend beyond school and into every day life, which is an accumulation of actions. Therefore, it is of the utmost importance that I am the directive principle of Who I Am within each action in my life, because the end result of me is an outflow of who I have been within each action.

Each one has the ability to make a decision in every action, I choose to do what’s best for all, which is not really a choice. I choose to be a living, breathing being that is present and aware, and not a distracted and entertained consumer consuming zombie that does not take all life into consideration in each action. But in order to walk myself out of this mind-state, I have to, step by step, release myself from the ways in which I have abdicated myself to my mind. One of these ways is not applying myself to things that I’ve judged as ‘difficult’, such as school, wherein I literally could not apply myself to focus.

This would probably be called ADD now, however, I intend to discipline myself within focusing, by/through walking myself back into my mind in order to see how I created the distractions that occur in my own mind, as energies, resistances and uncomfortabilities. I have come a long way since starting this process, and the two years I have already spent on this point, on and off over the months. I realize that it took me many many years to develop this point within myself, thus it will take a process to undo it. I realize there are no quick fixes or easy outs, and that it’s just a matter of undoing the programming I myself have done. Self-forgiveness releases this very effectively, and allows for the re-scripting of self, wherein, one becomes free to move oneself as Who One Is moment to moment, and not limited by any ‘state of mind’.

These self-commitment and self-corrective application statements are very specifically tied to the self-forgiveness I did in my last blog. So, for context, please visit Day 107- Getting Out of the Work.

I commit myself to let go of the past memories where I struggled and failed in school, and release myself from the energetic experiences I have created within myself in relation to them.

I commit myself to begin building myself as Who I would like To Be from a clean slate, as I daily clean my slate in order to not carry around the cumbersome burden of a past filled with judgments and self-definitions which, in believing them to be real, have limited me in innumerable ways.

I commit myself to slowing down my mind with self-awareness developed through daily writing, in order that I may SEE the thoughts that seem to ‘pop’ into my head without any intention of my own, thoughts which trigger chain reactions which build into energies that cause the task at hand to seem like so much more than it actually is, which is simply reading,
understanding, synthesizing, and regurgitating- as is the way it works in the current schooling system, unfortunately.

When and as I see a though arise in relation to past memories of struggling at school due to feeling constantly ‘lost’, I stop, and I breathe. I make the directive decision to ground myself back Here by stopping my participation of the thought and deleting it in one moment by not paying attention to it, and instead bringing my focus back to the work in front t of me, which I am NOT lost within, and which I can easily navigate so long as I read the material and focus.

I commit myself to base my self-assessments on the current reality of myself, and not upon past memories and self-definitions which I had created and carried around as survival techniques and self-manipulation to not apply myself and to not remain fully present and aware within that which I do.

I commit myself to stop the old patterns and habits I had accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, because I see, realize and understand that it is not rational to continue my participation within and as them, as they only serve to limit and diminish me, and that I cannot accept or allow to continue.

When and asI see that I am about to start a project from the starting point of getting through it as quickly as possible, within and as the ‘getting out of work’ character, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to Here within and as functioning within physical time, breath by breath, and give myself as much time as I may need to do the work properly, within reason. I remind myself that physical breath-by-breath application will seem slow and even unbearable at times, but I move myself as the living realization that there is no other way, so to thus then slow down, take a breath, take it easy, breathe and continue from Here.

I commit myself to stop validating the characters I have created and existed as, by stopping my participation in the validating process of acknowledging and paying attention to the thoughts related to past experiences of ‘getting out of the work’, and instead focusing on the work in front of me breath by breath, and changing my starting point as my approach to the work, from wanting to get it all done as fast as possible, to actually making the directive decision to do it properly, so as to remove the basis platform of this character, thus not leaving it with any leg to stand on, allowing it to fall, and to then replace it with Who I Am Here as the directive of myself as breath.

I commit myself to stop perpetuating the ‘getting out of the work’ character, by stopping re-living it over and over, by changing my behavior as per the above self-commitment, from the point of realization, as the realization that this character is limiting and diminishing me, making me less than who I am.

When and as I see that I am participating in the ‘getting out of work’ character by looking at my work and only seeing millions of words on a page, creating this experience of blankness within me because I don’t yet understand them, as I have not yet read them, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to physical time by looking at the first paragraph ONLY, reading it through, breathing, and allowing myself to take a moment to absorb what it is saying, from words on a page, to information in my head, to understanding, and then on to the next paragraph.

Within this, I commit myself to stop perpetuating the ‘getting out of the work’ character by actually doing the work.

To be continued...

Day105- Helping Others: From Self-Interest to Actual Caring

Helpful Character, Imagination Dimension:

This is continued from Day 103- Defending Myself Against the World
And Day 104- Being Helpful: From Self-Interest to Actual Caring

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine projected scenarios of myself being ‘looked to for help,’ ‘thought of as helpful’. And thought of as’ very dependable and efficient’ by others, wherein I create the whole scene in my mind in order to energize and validate the ‘helpful’ character, in order to continue suppressing the ‘secret’ hidden fear that I will be exposed as ‘unhelpful’, ‘undependable’, ‘irresponsible’, and ‘inefficient’, instea of actually releasing those fear by changing the base behavior that cause them, which are putting things off, avoiding chores and accepting and allowing laziness or incomplete work as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine scenes of ‘me being helpful to others, and then having the other be grateful and in an improved situation because of me,’ wherein I have accepted and allowed such scenes to play out in my mind as if they were movies that I react to, movies which I direct and manipulate in order to manipulate my reactions to produce a positive feeling within me according to the character in my mind, which creates a negative emotion when reality doesn’t match up with the movie in my mind, creating instability, instead breathing myself out of my mind and into reality in order to practice stability.

Reaction Dimension:

“Feeling good inside, as if my worth had been proven”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the ‘helpful character’ with a ‘good’ or positive feeling because in playing out the character, I feel my worth has been proven, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my worth does not need to be proven, as all are of equal worth as Life, and only the false characters we play require to have their worth be proven, as they have no real worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become defensive when the help I offer as the ‘helpful’ character is not accepted by another, wherein I take it personally because I had stepped into character, but that character had not been validated, instead of having offered help/assistance/support from a starting point of actual care, one and equal to the other as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create/manifest an ‘excited’ charge within and as me, when and as I see I will have the opportunity to ‘help out’, and within that to desire to be successful, because I know if that happens, that I will successfully validate the helpful character, successfully validate that character as me, and successfully continue to suppress my fear of being exposed as ‘unhelpful’, ‘undependable,’ ‘irresponsible’ and inefficient’.

Physical Reactions:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mself to lower my voice in a try/attempt to make it sound ‘more mature’ and speak within/as a directness in order to ‘seem’ ‘helpful’, ‘dependable’, ‘responsible’ and ‘efficient’, in order to convince another to accept my help, which would be manipulating my physical body to fit into the role of ‘helpful’ character, thus suppressing my natural/normal physical expression with ‘false’ movements that are not ‘Who I Am’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to energize myself as my physical body when and as I see that I am going to go into or have the opportunity to go into the ‘helpful’ character, wherein I participate so thoroughly in making this character real/true/who I am that I bring it out of the mind and into physical reality through accepting/allowing myself to change my facial expression within ‘opening up my face’ by raising my eyebrows and smiling as if to say ‘trust me’, ‘let me help you’ from a starting point of self-interest of validating my character, with is in reality/actuality validating my own limitation and suppression.

 

Self commitments and self-corrective application statements to follow.

Day 101- Secret Self-Relationship: Disappointment

This blog is continued from days 93- My name isKim, 94- My Name is Kim but Who Am I Really? , 99- My Name is Kim, but Who AmI Really? (Layout), and:

 Day 100- Secret Self-Relationship- And that is the suprise, that is what is behind the reactions we experience to our names being spoken in different tonalities, it is the exposure to none but ourelves, what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves, that no one else knows but us. We can be whoever we want in secret, so what does who we are in secret say about who we Really are?

Whatsoever is a secret now will be revealed eventually- might as well expose self to self in self-forgiveness so as not to have to face much nastiness later on.

Self-corrective statements (how I will change) for the self-forgiveness within yesterday's blog: Day 100- Secret Self-Relationship:


When and as I hear my name in a disappointed tone, I stop, and I breathe. I stop the thought of someone staring me in the eyes, about to tell me something I’ve done horribl wrong, the thought of being in a waiting room, nervous, fearful and anxious, and the thought of a teacher’s face, looking at me from across the room. I bring myself back Here by reminding myself that these thoughts are not by my directive choice, but are popping up as if automatically, as I have programmed them into my memory, in order to keep me in fear and to remained enslaved to the automaticity of the mind, instead of being the directive principle of the mind.


When and as I create and manifest the experience of ‘having done something horribly wrong’ when I hear my name called in a disappointed tone, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-directive principle by letting go of the emotional energy with breath, within the understanding that anything I’ve done horribly wrong, I will take responsibility for and direct until it is corrected.

When and as I see that the disappointment I hold in relation to my self-relationship, wherein, in private moment, I had done things that were less than Who I Am- when and as that comes up when I hear my name spoken in a disappointed tone, I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that I am forgiven because I did not understand at the time what I was doing, but now that I see, realize and understand how the mind works in this way, I commit myself to, in private moments, not let myself down by being less than Who I Am, because I see, realize and understand that it will always ‘come back to haunt me’, by directing me as self-disappointment and fear of exposure in moments when I’m least expecting it.

Within this, I commit myself to push myself to walk through tasks and assignment that I’ve judged as hard, by taking them bit by bit, and asking for assistance when needed.
I commit myself to become one and equal to the tasks I do, wherein I stop judging them as ‘easy’ or ‘hard’, but instead walk through them and apply myself more or less as needed, without any additional judgment, ideas, self-definitions or beliefs.

When and as I see that I am facing a moment of challenge/opportunity where I see I can either push through or give up, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the realization and understanding that if I do not push through, I will inevitably face the same situation again later, wherein it will be harder, because not only will I have to face the challenge, but I will also have to face the fact that I had previously given up. I push myself to strengthen and grow by pushing myself through moments of wanting to give up, within the understanding that there really is no alternative.

When and as I see myself reacting to my name as if the reaction had been ‘done unto me’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-aware self-responsibility by looking at what the reaction is, and tracing it back to the point within my relationship to myself that I fear being exposed.

I commit myself to clear the relationship I have formed with myself, through self-investigation and self-forgiveness, within this:
I commit myself to re-create a relationship with myself that is self-honest and self-responsible wherein I always consider and act according to the principles of oneness and equality, and doing what’s best for all, as myself, as life.

When and as I see myself fearing self-exposure and waiting instead for ‘forced’ exposure, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by looking at the point within and as self-forgiveness; I simply forgive, understand, and script my self-change.

When and as I see myself waiting in fear and anticipation to be exposed, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that no matter what is exposed, I will forgive, direct and correct it. I remind myself that only I am capable and responsible for doing this, thus no one outside of me has the power to ‘make’ me feel a certain way. I am responsible for MY mind.

I commit myself to expose myself to myself in every moment possible, until, over time, I have cleared my self-relationship through self-forgiveness and self-change.


When and as I see myself reacting to my name being called in a certain specific tone triggering reactions within me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am reacting to myself, which is separation from myself, so I embrace the reactions as one with me, I stop them as me, and I change them to breath- as myself as breath.

Day 13- Secret Thoughts From My Evil Mind

          One of the most empowering things I have learned through studying DIP is the fact that nothing we feel is a result of anybody else’s doing but our own, and nothing we judge has anything to do with whom we are judging, rather, it has very much to do with what we are avoiding in ourselves. These realizations saved me today as I walked a shaky path of overwhelming reactions.

It is my time of the month, so to speak, so I’m emotional, angry, insecure, crabby, and all those fun things. It still catches me off guard sometimes when I get like this, but then I realize ‘oh ya, it’s just my period.’ However, one’s menstrual cycle does not magically manifest insecurity, resentment, anger and all those things. They are already existent within, and for me, it is a monthly occurrence that they tend to once in a while, knock me off my feet.

Today I went into these kinds of reactions, wherein at one point all I could do was close my eyes and breathe until I calmed me down. I couldn’t speak self-forgiveness out loud because I was in the car with someone and they would probably think I was crazy. But I have, in moments, spoken self-forgiveness out loud during a reaction and it was amazing the way I could literally pull myself up and out of the reaction and back into full control of myself and my day.

Anyways, I will write out the main point from today, which was backchat, so that I may get a grip.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have secret mind thoughts about another being in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my true self to emerge in sneaky and secretive ways in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeat patterns of abuse wherein I blame another for my own lack of self-responsibility and inability to face myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blame towards another for me not being able to do what I want, when I see, realize and understand that the point is fear of confrontation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what another may think about me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reflect my own self-judgment off of other beings in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another instead of looking at myself and what I’m not facing within me, because the only judgment is self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel resentful towards another being because I have used blame for things that I am responsible for but abdicated to that person, thus giving my power away to him/her and then resenting him/her for it, instead of taking responsibility for myself and taking my power back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as resentment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe blame is real, implying that someone else can have an actual influence in my internal experience of myself, instead of realizing it’s all me, and instead of taking the actions I need to take in order to deal with and face my true self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another’s appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on the picture presentation of other beings instead of valuing them for who they are as life, equal and one with me and with all that’s here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become insecure around another because of the self-judgment I exist within and as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear placing everything and all of me on the line in every moment, due to fear and fear of judgment, and then blaming and resenting another for it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become enslaved by fear and fear of judgment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself in every moment.

When and as I see that I am participating in secret mind thoughts about another, I immediately STOP, and breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that backchat is an act of abdication of self-responsibility and is therefore abusive and diminishing to myself and the other. I take note of that which I am backchatting about so that I may look for where it is in myself in order to write it out and forgive it.