Day 238: From the Root to the Fruit - How We Create Our Demonic Minds

In light of recent school shootings, I would like to share some self-forgiveness I have been working on. This is something I practice in my own time, daily, as I walk a process of self-correction, In this, I re-visit memories from childhood, to see and show how in seemingly 'innocent' childhood moments, the seeds can be planted to create inner demons later on in life, depending on life circumstances, experiences, interactions and events.

I went through a very short period of experimenting with bullying when I was younger. The experience left me with an impression of myself that I was not proud of, and thus hid. In order to make the below statements, I re-visited these memories and looked at hidden experience within them as if I was living them here in the present moment.

It is like visiting the mind of a child as he/she is creating him/herself, and developing his/her understanding of reality, only now, doing it as an adult with greater understanding and awareness, giving my 'past self' words to describe the experience because, at the time, I had no idea about what i was feeling, and why I was doing the things I was doing. I had no words nor vocabulary for it.

This is but one brief experience in a lifetime. All of our experiences will effect us in some way and to varying degrees and intensities, depending on how intense the initial experience was, and then how much energy was put into growing and morphing it over time as the experience grows and evolves as the human grows and evolves, or in many cases, devolves.

What I am showing here is an example of how to undo the impact experiences can have on us, by re-visiting the experience with the understanding of an adult. If we do not do this, our childhood events, traumas and misconceptions stay with us and continue to effect us in varying degrees throughout our lives.

Forgive the past to change the present, because there is in fact No Time, as the past is here with us as we create our future.

Within ignorance, there is innocence, and within innocence, there is ignorance, but within everything, there is self-responsibility.

Being a Bully

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully other children when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully other children because I liked the way it made me feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider only the way I feel, and not the effect I may be having on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume my words and actions do not impact others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume others are taking responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and emotions when I know that I am not because the words and actions of other effected me, how I felt about myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the feeling of bullying others because it made me feel better about myself, more powerful, confident and stronger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things that make me feel better ABOUT myself instead of making myself better, a better version of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only reason I liked feeling powerful, strong and confident was because I was not living these things in my every day life, and therefore I sought to FEEL them as EXPERIENCES only, all the while not realizing I was covering up my powerlessness, insecurity and weaknesses I was feeling in most other moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase power, strength and confidence as a feeling experience only, instead of a living doing and being these words as qualities that can be lived in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that feeling powerful, strong and confident means I have to diminish another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the world and life through the lens of competition and survival of the fittest, and feel I need to dominate and be the strong one by putting others down, thus securing my own survival, without realizing the impact it was having on myself, and without ever considering the experience of the other, only seeing them as a tool for me to use to strengthen myself/my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish and bully myself, and then act out that self-relationship on to others in my world, ‘bringing them down’ with me/as me as an act of spite, trying to get revenge by exerting my internal experience onto my outer reality, trying to change my external experience by changing my external one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully other kids in an attempt to appease myself in satisfaction, while deep down I knew that I was driving a wedge between us that I probably could never remove, and even though I regretted that, I still placed my own experience above the tragedy I was creating between two people, by taking the value away of connecting with another human being, and replacing it with personal self-satisfaction.

I forgive myself for chasing only personal self-satisfaction, without seeing, realizing and understanding that it always leads to self-diminishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for bullying other kids because I knew, and I saw the ugliness I was creating between us, and in my life, seeing the other child as innocent, and myself as the abuser, but instead of stopping I rather judged myself, and then hid that judgment in the depths of my mind, like a constant lurker ready to pounce, contributing to my dark mind that would stay with me and haunt/limit me for the rest of my life, thinking I am ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ and ‘tainted’ as self-judgments within life experiences accumulated over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed defeat to exist within and as me as I integrated and lived out the reality I saw in the world, instead of standing up for what I knew was ‘the right way’ in terms of actions and behaviours that would be beneficial and constructive, but thinking/believing/perceiving that for me to chose this path would make me weak, a target for others like me, the ‘loser’ and the ‘victim’, so I chose instead to become the aggressor, the bully, the ‘tough one’ that is not to be messed with, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that to choose the path of kindness, care, collaboration and understanding is to be internally strong, powerful, impactful, and to have that stand and stance of living by my principles and being/living the person that I want to see in this world.

I commit myself to look, explore and forgive my dark mind, and to take the steps towards transcending that of me which is not best for all by stopping the patterns, both internal and external, and changing them to living actions that are best for myself as best for all.

I commit myself to walk a process of giving myself that which I need to stand alone, within principle, despite the current reality of the world, and despite the challenges that come when one stands as the self-change that is necessary to in turn, change the world.

When and as I see that I am feeling that ‘feel good’ feeling of, in my mind, being ‘above’, ‘stronger’ in a ‘superior’ position to another, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to equality by reminding myself that I am only diminishing myself, my life, this reality and potentially the other person. I push myself to stop the energetic experience and simply be Here with the other, Hearing them, Understanding them and seeing their REAL value and potential and recognizing that also in myself.

Please Note: I am walking a process of self-change using the tools of support offered by www.Desteni.org. 

I am taking the course called DIP Pro. In this course I learn how to take every day moments and find ways to make myself a better, more understanding and well rounded human being, the kind of human being I would like to see in this world. "Be the change you want to see" is a cool saying, but actually doing it is a bit more confusing because people tend to believe that you can't change human nature. I believe you can, because I have seen myself changing to someone I've always wanted to be. Not there yet, but my motivation is fueled by the proof I have given to myself, which I have documented online every sep of the way, in my blogs and on youtube. DIP Pro requires serious dedication and commitment, it is ot for the faint of heart. 

If you want to test the waters for yourself, try the Lite version, it's called DIP Lite, and the best part is, it's free! Why? Because Desteni puts individual self-change above profit. Why does DIP Pro cost money? Because it costs money to exist in this world, and takes a dedicated team to run the program. Otherwise it would also be free.

Visit www.Desteni.org

Day 235: The Darkest Part of Me is Hatred

According to a recent test based on my algorithm, I am a kind and trustworthy person, but when someone betrays my trust and mistreats me... I never forget!

Now, it is not to fear, judge or hide the dark parts of ourselves that we all have, but rather look at them objectively as information about ourselves, and where we need to make a correction.

I had a bit of a reaction to the word 'hatred', like "no, that's not me," - but this immediately showed me a red flag, that of resistance, judgment and denial. Because when I took a step back and looked objectively, I could see in my life where I had experienced hatred.

I remembered moments in my life where I, for example, felt I had no voice, no say, and I felt like others were preventing me from being myself fully. I could say "I hate that person, they are so pushy/they are taking advantage of me in this way/that way" and so on, feeling like another person was out to make my life experience miserable.

It was only after I began pushing myself to become more assertive, to speak up in situations, and to fight for myself that I began to realize that it was never really about anybody else doing something to me, but rather my own fears, self-judgments and self-limitations that were preventing me from acting and moving myself. I had just been blaming others, which allowed me to remain comfortable and not push myself outside of that comfort zone.

So what does this mean?

The 'hatred' I believed I was experiencing towards another was actually self-hate, because a part of me KNEW, and could SEE what I was actually doing, how I was limiting myself, allowing myself to be pushed around our of fear of confrontation, thinking I cannot do it. This lead to the living of another dark word: self-deprecation.

In looking into this new word, a point opened up in the 'Back to the Basics' series on Eqafe. The recording is called 'The Well of Emotion', and is followed by 'The Bucket Principle' in the same series. If you have a listen, you will see how I changed in one moment, but what is not discussed is the process I walked afterwards and how my life, and even my physical body have changed since I began changing my relationship with myself while looking into self-hate and self-deprecation.

You can find the recordings here: https://eqafe.com/p/well-of-emotion-back-to-basics

And here: https://eqafe.com/p/the-bucket-principle-back-to-basics

Note: I am walking a process of self-change using the tools of support offered by www.Desteni.org. I am taking the course called DIP Pro. In this course I learn how to take every day moments and find ways to make myself a better, more understanding and well rounded human being, the kind of human being I would like to see in this world. "Be the change you want to see" is a cool saying, but actually doing it is a bit more confusing because people tend to believe that you can't change human nature. I believe you can, because I have seen myself changing to someone I've always wanted to be. Not there yet, but my motivation is fueled by the proof I have given to myself, which I have documented online every sep of the way, in my blogs and on youtube. DIP Pro requires serious dedication and commitment, it is ot for the faint of heart. If you want to test the waters for yourself, try the Lite version, it's called DIP Lite, and the best part is, it's free! Why? Because Desteni puts individual self-change above profit. Why does DIP Pro cost money? Because it costs money to exist in this world, and takes a dedicated team to run the program. Otherwise it would also be free.
Visit www.Desteni.org

Day 95- A Life of Regrets?

I’m going to take a pause from my last two blogs in order to address a point that has come up in the form of the beginnings of a migraine. I have recently spoken with people who have done self-forgiveness through migraines until they were gone. I have been doing self-forgiveness out loud all day when I’ve had a chance, like in the car or in my house when I’m alone, and it seems to be working, because although the migraine came mighty close- it never happened. But I can still feel it lingering behind my temples, and all the symptoms of sensitivity to lights, nausea and a throbbing sensation are here, so, I wanted to look into and forgive the thoughts that have been coming up in relation to the pain.




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within my relationships to others.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within relationships, for fear of being judged, humiliated, belittled, ridiculed, made fun of and/or rejected.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged, belittled, humiliated, ridiculed, made fun of and rejected, within the belief that, if any one of these things were to happen to me, or if another did any of these things unto me, that it would be true and be who I am.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that anyone has the power to ‘make’ me feel these ways except me, and that I do it as a defense mechanism of the mind as ego, which creates experiences to protect itself and the characters I have created myself as, which have a built-in self-preservation technique that create fears within me whenever my ego, beliefs, personalities or characters are challenged, wherein I end up either outwardly becoming angry, or inwardly suppressing myself and compromising myself to everything outside of myself, slowly transforming myself over time into something I don’t even recognize, only to realize that I have not been living.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to express myself freely and fearlessly, nor accepted or allowed myself to truly experience myself as Life in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that fears and resistance always indicate and opportunity for me to push through and change and grow, wherein, each time I am confronted by something I fear or am resistant towards, it is a window of opportunity showing me that I am protecting something of myself, and giving me the opportunity to realize that I do not require protection, because Who I Am is Life, and life cannot be ridiculed, belittled, humiliated, made fun of, judged or rejected, because Life is here absolute, and as I stand as the Life that I am, I too stand as that absoluteness to which we are all a part of, if only we would each and every one of us take the opportunity to become it, instead of suppressing ourselves within and as fear and self-compromise, or bursting out in anger at and blame at those around us.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am in control because I make these things real by reacting to them, and in reacting to them I am making the statement that ‘yes’, that is who/what I am by giving it my energy and confirmation, and so even by simply fearing these things, and changing my behaviours due to that fear, I am confirming them as acceptable and allowable within and as me, instead of breathing through that fear and not participating within and as it, and directing myself to stop and return to here, out from the mind and grounded firmly Here, in living reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged, ridiculed, made fun of, belittled, rejected and humiliated within relationships with others because I have held on to the memories of past experiences where this in fact happened, and instead of realizing in those moments that only I decide what I accept/allow within me, I abdicated that self-responsibility to the automatic programs of the mind, and I reacted as if it were true and ‘who I was’ because of the emotional experience that accompanied it, wherein I trusted that experience as real, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it was an experience that I could have stopped in an instant, thus proving it was not real, and not who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice myself as life and living, to compromise, fear and suppression for the sake of ego, causing me to be an absolute slave to ego, just as so many human beings are today: slaves to the egos of those who have more, to those who can afford the pursuit of their own happiness while the rest slave away in the background. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the existence of such slavery within and as me, as that which exists in this world exists within each one of us to differing degrees.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise, belittle, ridicule, make fun of, reject and judge others for the protection and sake of my own ego, wherein, even as a young child I would perpetuate these things, as children can be the most vicious, and instead of teaching ourselves and our children how to take self-responsibility for the thoughts, feelings and emotions we experience within us, we accept and allow them to perpetuate it, as we do, over and over throughout our lives, instead of ever actually living and treating each other and ourselves with the integrity required to live as equals.

 I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to treat myself with dignity and respect in every moment, but have instead looked to be treated this way by others in order to prove to myself that I deserve it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Life is a Gift of Grace that has been given to us all unconditionally, and so it is up to each one to decide to treat each self as Life with the dignity and respect that all Life deserves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise life in any way for the sake of ego/energy/mind.

Memories:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory of 2nd grade, when a group of girls collected together and when one said I was the ugliest girl in the class and then encouraged the others to agree, which they eventually did, and within me, in that moment I felt belittled, humiliated, judged, made fun of and rejected, and instead of stopping these reactions as what they were-fleeting energetic reactions- I held on to them and feared them to happen again, and developed personalities and characters in order to protect myself and avoid ever feeling these things again. And then, when events would inevitably come up again, I would bring this memory back up so as to confirm it to myself that what others say about me is true, especially when it is agreed upon in a group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replay that moment within me, the time between when the girl made the statement, till she got the others to agree, wherein I felt like in that moment, my fate was in their hands, not realizing I was waiting for someone to stick up for me, and when no one did, I felt hurt, disappointed and let down, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I could have stood up for myself, and let go of the whole thing in one breath. But instead:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built relationships around this fear that the others will hurt me, disappoint me and let me down, and that I am not safe because at any moment, someone can hurt me, disappoint me, or let me down, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I hurt, disappointed and let myself down by not standing up for me.

Memory 2:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory in 5th grade when a boy made fun of me in front of my best friend, and because of the presence of my best friend I was even more embarrassed than had I been alone, but instead of staying quiet, I stuck up for myself because my friend was there, and I didn’t want her to see me that way. And I quite effectively stood up in that moment. But,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it would have been that easy to stand up for myself each time, but I hadn’t really stood up for myself as life, I had stood up for my ego being bruised in front of my best friend, thus the lesson never stuck , but I’ve hung on to the memory because I’ve charged it with fear and embarrassment, instead of having changed in that moment and let the memory go, I accepted/allowed myself to continue not standing up for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the memory of being made fun of and sticking up for myself out of fear exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly bring this memory up throughout my life, as proof that I can’t stick up for myself, because according to the memory- even when I stick up for myself, it is fear-based.

I commit myself to stand up for myself as life.

I commit myself to treat myself with the dignity, respect and integrity of Life that I am.

I commit myself to never again confirm or validate myself as being belittled, humiliated, judged, made fun of, rejected or mocked.

I commit myself to never again let myself down by not standing up or speaking up out of fear.

I commit myself to support myself to stand up as Life.

I commit myself to always be there for me.
When and as I am feeling myself being attacked, humiliated, rejected, made fun of, judged, or belittled, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness by reminding myself that only I validate and confirm these experiences within me, thus if I decide not to- then they do not get to exist. I remind myself that only ego gets bruised and that there is nothing of me that
I cannot expose and laugh at without having it ‘make me less’. However, when and as I see that I require being defended, I stop, and I breathe, and I allow myself to step up for me, to step through the fear and speak from common sense, as what I know is true: Life cannot ever be made less than what it is, Life can never be diminished.