Day 235: The Darkest Part of Me is Hatred

According to a recent test based on my algorithm, I am a kind and trustworthy person, but when someone betrays my trust and mistreats me... I never forget!

Now, it is not to fear, judge or hide the dark parts of ourselves that we all have, but rather look at them objectively as information about ourselves, and where we need to make a correction.

I had a bit of a reaction to the word 'hatred', like "no, that's not me," - but this immediately showed me a red flag, that of resistance, judgment and denial. Because when I took a step back and looked objectively, I could see in my life where I had experienced hatred.

I remembered moments in my life where I, for example, felt I had no voice, no say, and I felt like others were preventing me from being myself fully. I could say "I hate that person, they are so pushy/they are taking advantage of me in this way/that way" and so on, feeling like another person was out to make my life experience miserable.

It was only after I began pushing myself to become more assertive, to speak up in situations, and to fight for myself that I began to realize that it was never really about anybody else doing something to me, but rather my own fears, self-judgments and self-limitations that were preventing me from acting and moving myself. I had just been blaming others, which allowed me to remain comfortable and not push myself outside of that comfort zone.

So what does this mean?

The 'hatred' I believed I was experiencing towards another was actually self-hate, because a part of me KNEW, and could SEE what I was actually doing, how I was limiting myself, allowing myself to be pushed around our of fear of confrontation, thinking I cannot do it. This lead to the living of another dark word: self-deprecation.

In looking into this new word, a point opened up in the 'Back to the Basics' series on Eqafe. The recording is called 'The Well of Emotion', and is followed by 'The Bucket Principle' in the same series. If you have a listen, you will see how I changed in one moment, but what is not discussed is the process I walked afterwards and how my life, and even my physical body have changed since I began changing my relationship with myself while looking into self-hate and self-deprecation.

You can find the recordings here: https://eqafe.com/p/well-of-emotion-back-to-basics

And here: https://eqafe.com/p/the-bucket-principle-back-to-basics

Note: I am walking a process of self-change using the tools of support offered by www.Desteni.org. I am taking the course called DIP Pro. In this course I learn how to take every day moments and find ways to make myself a better, more understanding and well rounded human being, the kind of human being I would like to see in this world. "Be the change you want to see" is a cool saying, but actually doing it is a bit more confusing because people tend to believe that you can't change human nature. I believe you can, because I have seen myself changing to someone I've always wanted to be. Not there yet, but my motivation is fueled by the proof I have given to myself, which I have documented online every sep of the way, in my blogs and on youtube. DIP Pro requires serious dedication and commitment, it is ot for the faint of heart. If you want to test the waters for yourself, try the Lite version, it's called DIP Lite, and the best part is, it's free! Why? Because Desteni puts individual self-change above profit. Why does DIP Pro cost money? Because it costs money to exist in this world, and takes a dedicated team to run the program. Otherwise it would also be free.
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Day 138- Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath (pt 2)

For context as to why I am purifying and re-defining these word to living words, visit my previous blog: Day 137- Assertiveness as Steadfastness as Breath.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘assertiveness’ to the word ‘rude’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘assertiveness’ within the word ‘rude’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘assertiveness’ and from the word ‘rude’ by defining the word ‘assertiveness’ within the word ‘rude’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘assertiveness’ with the word ‘angry’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘assertiveness within the word ‘angry’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘assertiveness’ and from the word ‘angry’ by defining the word ‘assertiveness’ within the word ‘angry’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘assertiveness’ with the word ‘frustrated’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘assertiveess’ within the word ‘frustrating’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘assertiveness’ and from the word ‘annoying’ by defining the word ‘assertiveness’ within the word ‘annoying ‘ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘assertiveness’ with the word ‘aggressive’,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘assertiveness’ within the word ‘aggressive’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate the word ’assertiveness within the word ‘aggressive; in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to

fear assertive people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I can’t stand up to assertive people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that assertive people are trying to get or take something from me, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that they will in fact get or take it because I will not be able to stand up to them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that assertiveness serves only to gain something or to take something from another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thin/believe/perceive that assertiveness is the same as bullying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that assertiveness is used to push people to do something they would not otherwise to, in the self-interest of the assertive person;

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that assertiveness does not necessarily have to be used in self-interest to forward/advance/improve one’s own condition at the sake of another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as ‘not assertive’ because I think/believe/perceive assertiveness as an undesirable trait.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people that I have defined as ‘assertive’ because I think they are trying to get something unfairly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand that assertiveness can actually be an effective tool for change and realization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to retract and recoil within myself in the presence of assertive people or in the face of assertiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I ‘m assertive because I think/believe/perceive that it causes others to retract and recoil within themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that assertiveness only ever takes place in self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself as assertiveness because I fear I will be taking advantage of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive assertiveness necessarily implies that others must submit.

I commit myself to asserting myself as the self that I am within, through fear and resistance and self-doubt of myself as the mind, until I am that self that stands, constant and stable in every breath.

I commit myself to stand in the face of assertiveness as equal and one as assertiveness as me, wherein I do not place myself as 'less-than' assertiveness or assertive people, but rather stand firm, stable, clear, as certain as who I am.

I commit myself to trust myself as assertiveness, and to not use assertiveness to abuse myself or others in any way whatsoever.

I commit myself to assert myself as an equal, not greater or less than anything or anyone.
 

When and as I see I am retracting or recoiling in the face of assertiveness, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to equal and one assertiveness by reminding myself that Who I Am is not decided by others manurisms and behaviours, and who others are is simply a result of who and how they have lived, which has nothing to do with me, only what I represent to them. Thus, equal and one communitcation is still possible, and if not, then not. It is a choice on both parts, and I, as equal and one as assertiveness, assert myself to be this/as this choice, by not closing myself off and putting up walls or becoming defensive. I remind myself that nothing of me can be taken by another, nothing can be diminished by another. Only I can take from me and diminish myself, and I stand clear and certain that I am stopping this now, and no longer accepting and allowing such self-abuse within me, as me.

Dictionary definition:

Assertive:
1) Inclined to bold or confident assertion; aggressively self-assured.
2) Confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views
3) Given to making assertions or bold demands; dogmatic or aggressive.
Sounding out the word:

Assertiveness

sounds like: A certain highness

I would say, the word makes the specific distinction that it is a ‘certain’ high-ness because it is specifying that we generally associate ‘high-ness’ with being better-than, or some kind of

comparison with others wherein there is judgment and a ‘winner’ and a ‘loser’. Like the word ‘highness’ as in ‘your highness, the king’, wherein the king’s life is somehow seen as more important and more valuable than the ‘commoners’ or the 'peasants’. Or 'get off your high horse', because one sees oneself as 'better than' others.... Nooooo. In my definition, the ‘high-ness’ is solely a comparison within self, as ‘who am I right now’ vs ‘who I would like to be’, ‘how have I limited myself’, vs ‘how will I now push ,my limits’, and ‘have I lived for myself only’ vs ‘have I lived in such a way that I will be leaving something worth living for for the generations o come’? So, it’s cool that the word ‘certain’ is in there because it important to make that distinction.
It's also cool that the word 'certain' is in there because there is a 'certainty' within assertiveness, wherein, one would have to be certain about what is abuse, what is alligned with the principle of equality and oneness, and what is necessary to be done in each moment. Without certainty, these things are not efficient and effective. Certainty is requireed to be assertive in an efficient and effective way.

New definition of 'assertiveness' that I can live:

Wherein one no longer accepts the limited self, enslaved by the thoughts, feelings, emotions, judgments, self-doubt, etc…. of the mind, but instead bases self on the physical reality that is Here, which is superior to the mind in every way. Wherein, in self-honesty, one elevates oneself with certainty to the ‘higher ground’ of no longer accepting abuse as the status quo, which is beneath us all,. Where one alligns oneneslf with certainty to the ‘higher cause’ of equality and oneness as life, above individuality and ego. And to recognize the absolute humility of doing so, of daring oneself to be ‘nothing’ for the sake of everything.

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