Day 120- Am I Useless as a Student?

This blog is continued from Day 119- Equality as a Student, so, for context I would suggest to read that blog. I’m walking a series of blogs to re-learn and re-teach myself how to learn and study and be an effective student. The character I am deconstructing is the ‘getting out of the work’ character, which had been very prevalent throughout my academic career and even in other areas of my life. My question is: why can’t I just do the work without reacting, getting frustrated and distracted etc… why can’t I just make the decision to choose to move myself to just do the work (schoolwork) as that which I am occupying myself with at that moment? The answer is my own mind, and it has been fascinating thus far to see exactly what I had created within myself. Here I’m continuing with the reaction dimension of this aforementioned character:

 

Reactions:
Uselessness
Frustration
Anxiety
Stress
Overwhelming-ness
Depression
Inferiority


Uselessness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest this experience of ‘uselessness’ within me, as me, when faced with a moment of decision, when it comes to moments in my life where I am required to do something I don’t necessarily want to do, thus creating this entire experience/reaction as uselessness, as in, “It’s useless”, “why bother with this”, “What’s the point, it’s not making a difference” and so on. Within this, I see, realize and understand that self-interest within not wanting to push myself to actually move myself and do/accomplish things when there is no motivation, wherein I would rather not upset my comfortable patterns I have existed as thus far. In this, I see the absolute self-limitation and self-belittlement within the experience of uselessness, which I had created myself, and made as an experience for myself, so it is also within my power to not create such an experience.

In this, I commit myself to choose to not create the experience of uselessness, to not base myself on an experience, and then make that experience real by believing it to be who and how I am, but instead to stand up from within this experience, and to move myself despite this experience, because the experience is based on the fact that I have looked at my schoolwork, and decided that I as a human being, am unable to get through it. Without first even have tried, I had simply looked at it, and decided: it’s useless, which would then allow me to not even have to try, but instead to fall back into the comfort and laziness of not trying, not pushing myself in any way, wherein I would sink deeper and deeper into the mind of illusion, where things are predetermined in self-interest, based on really not caring or not wanting to be bothered in any way whatsoever. In this, I am basically making the statement that I don’t want to live or be life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed uselessness to exist within and as me, and I have grown and re-enforced this experience as me, by participating within it, as it, over and over in moments where I would see that there is work to do, and had built the work up to be so great, greater than myself and my ability, that I would have then made the decision “it’s useless”, which is really making the statement “I’m useless”, based on the entire scenario I myself had created with regards to my

judgment of the work and my self-judgment, which conveniently enough, sets up an entire scenario of non-action, non-movement and becoming less-than life by creating scenario where I don’t really have to ‘do’ anything, because I had made up my mind that it’s useless, and thus I do not have to even try now.

Within this, I see, realize and understand that I am manipulating the entire environment wherein I have the luxury to do so, and creating for myself a platform of laziness, giving up and non-action.

I forgive myself for

accepting and allowing myself to, when and as I am able, to manipulate my entire environment through manipulating ‘how I feel’ about it, and ‘how I see it’ through how I have judged it. I see, realize and understand that this is only possible when one has the luxury of time and ability to choose to not do something, to put it off, or to do something else instead.

 I see, realize and understand that such moments for myself, are moments as opportunities, wherein, I can choose who and how I am and will be in these moments, because I am in a moment of choice.

 In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse that I will wait till I 'have to’ do it, because only THEN will I have the motivation, and THEN it will be easier, but now I see, realize and understand that THEN is only ever NOW, and that I have to decide in every NOW who and how I will be, despite how I have judged that which I am doing, because in putting it off till later, I am only creating a future fuck-up for myself, setting myself up to fall back into the ‘getting out of work’ character, instead of putting my foot down and saying “No More”, I have had it with this push and pull of ups and downs when it comes to facing things that I have judged as ‘hard’ or ‘challenging’. Because, in that sheer act of judgment, I am creating an entire play-out for myself.

When in simplicity and in awareness I can simply stop the judgment and simply walk breath by breath. It really is that simple to stop creating these situations in separation and unawareness, and to start to instead live in each moment, where I walk in self-support and self-equality

To be continued…

To learn these self-supportive writting tools visit: DIP LITE

 

For the entire series:

 

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

 

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

 

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

 

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

 

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

 

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

 

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

 

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

 

Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)

 

Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)

 

Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)

 

Day 118- Learning How To Learn

Day119- Equality as a Student

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

This blog contains the self-commitment and self-corrective application statements from the self-forgiveness I worked through in my last blog about not being able to concentrate within my studies.

Thus, this blog is a statement of that which I am willing to commit to, and the ways in which I will change my behavior (practical application of myself in my world), which will extend beyond school and into every day life, which is an accumulation of actions. Therefore, it is of the utmost importance that I am the directive principle of Who I Am within each action in my life, because the end result of me is an outflow of who I have been within each action.

Each one has the ability to make a decision in every action, I choose to do what’s best for all, which is not really a choice. I choose to be a living, breathing being that is present and aware, and not a distracted and entertained consumer consuming zombie that does not take all life into consideration in each action. But in order to walk myself out of this mind-state, I have to, step by step, release myself from the ways in which I have abdicated myself to my mind. One of these ways is not applying myself to things that I’ve judged as ‘difficult’, such as school, wherein I literally could not apply myself to focus.

This would probably be called ADD now, however, I intend to discipline myself within focusing, by/through walking myself back into my mind in order to see how I created the distractions that occur in my own mind, as energies, resistances and uncomfortabilities. I have come a long way since starting this process, and the two years I have already spent on this point, on and off over the months. I realize that it took me many many years to develop this point within myself, thus it will take a process to undo it. I realize there are no quick fixes or easy outs, and that it’s just a matter of undoing the programming I myself have done. Self-forgiveness releases this very effectively, and allows for the re-scripting of self, wherein, one becomes free to move oneself as Who One Is moment to moment, and not limited by any ‘state of mind’.

These self-commitment and self-corrective application statements are very specifically tied to the self-forgiveness I did in my last blog. So, for context, please visit Day 107- Getting Out of the Work.

I commit myself to let go of the past memories where I struggled and failed in school, and release myself from the energetic experiences I have created within myself in relation to them.

I commit myself to begin building myself as Who I would like To Be from a clean slate, as I daily clean my slate in order to not carry around the cumbersome burden of a past filled with judgments and self-definitions which, in believing them to be real, have limited me in innumerable ways.

I commit myself to slowing down my mind with self-awareness developed through daily writing, in order that I may SEE the thoughts that seem to ‘pop’ into my head without any intention of my own, thoughts which trigger chain reactions which build into energies that cause the task at hand to seem like so much more than it actually is, which is simply reading,
understanding, synthesizing, and regurgitating- as is the way it works in the current schooling system, unfortunately.

When and as I see a though arise in relation to past memories of struggling at school due to feeling constantly ‘lost’, I stop, and I breathe. I make the directive decision to ground myself back Here by stopping my participation of the thought and deleting it in one moment by not paying attention to it, and instead bringing my focus back to the work in front t of me, which I am NOT lost within, and which I can easily navigate so long as I read the material and focus.

I commit myself to base my self-assessments on the current reality of myself, and not upon past memories and self-definitions which I had created and carried around as survival techniques and self-manipulation to not apply myself and to not remain fully present and aware within that which I do.

I commit myself to stop the old patterns and habits I had accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, because I see, realize and understand that it is not rational to continue my participation within and as them, as they only serve to limit and diminish me, and that I cannot accept or allow to continue.

When and asI see that I am about to start a project from the starting point of getting through it as quickly as possible, within and as the ‘getting out of work’ character, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to Here within and as functioning within physical time, breath by breath, and give myself as much time as I may need to do the work properly, within reason. I remind myself that physical breath-by-breath application will seem slow and even unbearable at times, but I move myself as the living realization that there is no other way, so to thus then slow down, take a breath, take it easy, breathe and continue from Here.

I commit myself to stop validating the characters I have created and existed as, by stopping my participation in the validating process of acknowledging and paying attention to the thoughts related to past experiences of ‘getting out of the work’, and instead focusing on the work in front of me breath by breath, and changing my starting point as my approach to the work, from wanting to get it all done as fast as possible, to actually making the directive decision to do it properly, so as to remove the basis platform of this character, thus not leaving it with any leg to stand on, allowing it to fall, and to then replace it with Who I Am Here as the directive of myself as breath.

I commit myself to stop perpetuating the ‘getting out of the work’ character, by stopping re-living it over and over, by changing my behavior as per the above self-commitment, from the point of realization, as the realization that this character is limiting and diminishing me, making me less than who I am.

When and as I see that I am participating in the ‘getting out of work’ character by looking at my work and only seeing millions of words on a page, creating this experience of blankness within me because I don’t yet understand them, as I have not yet read them, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to physical time by looking at the first paragraph ONLY, reading it through, breathing, and allowing myself to take a moment to absorb what it is saying, from words on a page, to information in my head, to understanding, and then on to the next paragraph.

Within this, I commit myself to stop perpetuating the ‘getting out of the work’ character by actually doing the work.

To be continued...