This
blog is continued from Day 119- Equality as a Student, so, for context I would
suggest to read that blog. I’m walking a series of blogs to re-learn and
re-teach myself how to learn and study and be an effective student. The
character I am deconstructing is the ‘getting out of the work’ character, which
had been very prevalent throughout my academic career and even in other areas
of my life. My question is: why can’t I just do the work without reacting,
getting frustrated and distracted etc… why can’t I just make the decision to
choose to move myself to just do the work (schoolwork) as that which I am
occupying myself with at that moment? The answer is my own mind, and it has
been fascinating thus far to see exactly what I had created within myself. Here
I’m continuing with the reaction dimension of this aforementioned character:
Reactions:
Uselessness
Frustration
Anxiety
Stress
Overwhelming-ness
Depression
Inferiority
Uselessness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest this experience of ‘uselessness’ within me, as me, when faced with a moment of decision, when it comes to moments in my life where I am required to do something I don’t necessarily want to do, thus creating this entire experience/reaction as uselessness, as in, “It’s useless”, “why bother with this”, “What’s the point, it’s not making a difference” and so on. Within this, I see, realize and understand that self-interest within not wanting to push myself to actually move myself and do/accomplish things when there is no motivation, wherein I would rather not upset my comfortable patterns I have existed as thus far. In this, I see the absolute self-limitation and self-belittlement within the experience of uselessness, which I had created myself, and made as an experience for myself, so it is also within my power to not create such an experience.
Uselessness
Frustration
Anxiety
Stress
Overwhelming-ness
Depression
Inferiority
Uselessness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest this experience of ‘uselessness’ within me, as me, when faced with a moment of decision, when it comes to moments in my life where I am required to do something I don’t necessarily want to do, thus creating this entire experience/reaction as uselessness, as in, “It’s useless”, “why bother with this”, “What’s the point, it’s not making a difference” and so on. Within this, I see, realize and understand that self-interest within not wanting to push myself to actually move myself and do/accomplish things when there is no motivation, wherein I would rather not upset my comfortable patterns I have existed as thus far. In this, I see the absolute self-limitation and self-belittlement within the experience of uselessness, which I had created myself, and made as an experience for myself, so it is also within my power to not create such an experience.
In this, I commit myself to choose to not create the experience of uselessness,
to not base myself on an experience, and then make that experience real by
believing it to be who and how I am, but instead to stand up from within this
experience, and to move myself despite this experience, because the experience
is based on the fact that I have looked at my schoolwork, and decided that I as
a human being, am unable to get through it. Without first even have tried, I
had simply looked at it, and decided: it’s useless, which would then allow me
to not even have to try, but instead to fall back into the comfort and laziness
of not trying, not pushing myself in any way, wherein I would sink deeper and
deeper into the mind
of illusion, where things are predetermined in self-interest, based on really
not caring or not wanting to be bothered in any way whatsoever. In this, I am
basically making the statement that I don’t want to live or be life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed uselessness to exist within and as me, and I have grown and re-enforced this experience as me, by participating within it, as it, over and over in moments where I would see that there is work to do, and had built the work up to be so great, greater than myself and my ability, that I would have then made the decision “it’s useless”, which is really making the statement “I’m useless”, based on the entire scenario I myself had created with regards to my
judgment of
the work and my self-judgment, which conveniently enough, sets up an entire
scenario of non-action, non-movement and becoming less-than life by creating
scenario where I don’t really have to ‘do’ anything, because I had made up my mind
that it’s useless, and thus I do not have to even try now.
Within this, I see,
realize and understand that I am manipulating the entire environment wherein I
have the luxury to do so, and creating for myself a platform of laziness, giving
up and non-action.
I forgive myself for
accepting
and allowing myself to, when and as I am able, to manipulate my
entire environment through manipulating ‘how I feel’ about it, and ‘how I see
it’ through how I have judged
it. I see, realize and understand that this is only possible when one has the
luxury of time
and ability to choose to not do something, to put it off, or to do something
else instead.
I see, realize and understand that such moments for myself, are
moments as opportunities, wherein, I can choose who and how I am and will be in
these moments, because I am in a moment of choice.
In this, I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse that I will wait till I
'have to’ do it, because only THEN will I have the motivation, and THEN it will
be easier, but now I see, realize and understand that THEN is only ever NOW,
and that I have to decide in every NOW who and how I will be, despite how I
have judged that which I am doing, because in putting it off till later, I am
only creating a future
fuck-up for myself, setting myself up to fall back into the ‘getting out of
work’ character, instead of putting my foot down and saying “No More”, I have
had it with this push and pull of ups and downs when it comes to facing things
that I have judged as ‘hard’ or ‘challenging’. Because, in that sheer act of
judgment, I am creating an entire play-out
for myself.
To
be continued…
To learn
these self-supportive writting tools visit: DIP LITE
For the entire series:
