Friday, November 2, 2012

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

This blog is continued from a series of blogs where I am working through not taking any more bullshit from myself in terms of wavering within my studies. Am currently finishing a degree in political science, at a university level, and over the past two years I’ve had an extreme wake-up call in terms of dealing with my own self-created consequences in relation to my ability to learn, study and focus as a student (for context, read the blogs included in this series listed at the end of this blog).

This is not to say that the
education system itself is not in some ways responsible, as it teaches most students, throughout the elementary and high school years, to only memorize and regurgitate information, as well as to ‘produce’ work, rather than focusing on the actual learning processes unique to each individual student.

However, after taking the
time to learn the life skills of self-forgiveness, self-honesty, and self-corrective application, I am learning to train myself to focus and direct myself to be able to learn, through teaching myself, within any system I am confronted with. (To learn these tools for yourself, try this free course: Currently, and throughout my university degree, I have been at the top of most of my classes, which is noteworthy because previously, I had struggled to get by.
Throughout elementary school and high school, I felt I ‘slipped through the cracks’, but managed to ‘fake it’ using many techniques known to most students, wherein the information is usually lost shortly afterwards, and an actual understanding rarely occurs. Once I got into college, this technique no longer worked, and I actually believed I was simply unable to cope, and I failed most classes until I became too discouraged and finally quit.
The processes I went through to get to that point are the processes I’m dealing with now, wherein I am literally up against myself’ as who I had created myself as, including bad habits, giving up, self-judgment, fears and distractibility etc… Here I continue to do un-do these patterns, in order that I may re-create myself with awareness, within taking responsibility for myself within that which I commit myself to. In this way, my education has become my self-education, and although it has not been easy, I have proven one thing to myself: I will not give up.
Herein, I continue with my self-commitments and self-corrective statement which are derived from the self-forgiveness statement found here: Day 110- FullyCommitting to my Studies (pt 2).

I commit myself to, when and as I am faced with an obstacle with regards to my studies (whether it be a self-created obstacle such as the fear of failure causing me to not want to start an assignment, or an actual obstacle of not understanding the material, not having the right material, etc…) to direct myself to
seek out the appropriate resources, whether it be my teacher or TA, or looking something up online, or simply stopping and slowing down and re-reading the material, until the obstacle is effectively overcome and I have directed myself through it.

When and as I see that I am creating resistances towards doing the assignment within me by holding on to the fear that trying/applying myself is a risk because it may only lead to proving I will not be able to do the work, I stop, and I
breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that, in participating within/as this fear I am only creating a new obstacle for myself, without first simply applying myself to find out if any actual obstacles exist. I see/realize and understand that if I do in fact meet an actually obstacle, that it does not mean I have failed or will never understand, it only means that I will have to take the extra necessary steps to direct myself through the obstacle as efficiently/effectively as possible, so as to resume the work at hand. Therefore, I see, realize and understand that working through obstacles is actually a component of learning and will be present throughout my life, thus, I direct myself to place one foot in front of the other, so to speak, as I take on the obstacles that will inevitably come up within my studies/life ,to give myself the time, patienc and awareness to work at them until I am through and satisfied (for school, specifically: by either asking for assistance/support from my TA or teacher, or re-reading the assignment more closely, more slowly, re-reading the question or taking a short break and looking at it again with a ‘fresh; eye).

I commit myself to develop the
self-trust necessary to face the obstacles that will inevitably arise in my life/studies, by reminding myself that I have thus far gotten through everything necessary, and that there is always ‘a way’, even if it means taking a different way: I will not give up.

When and as I see that I am participating within/as self-doubt, I stop, and I breathe. I replace that self-doubt with self-trust by reminding myself that I create self-doubt by bringing up memories of past struggles and project them into the future, whereas I could just as easily remind myself that, although I have indeed struggled, that I have gotten this far by doing the actual work, thus I have proven to myself that I will do the actual work, even if it involves some struggling.
Within this:

I commit myself to continue taking this process one step at a time, and to continue to push myself through school, even though at times it feels really difficult because I’m not used to it, I’m used to the easy life of giving up and giving in, so actually trying/applying myself ‘seems’ hard and difficult, but it is simply doing things a new way.

When and as I see that I am creating and manifesting the fear of failure within and as me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to presence and awareness by reminding myself that failure is not the end of the world, but rather a miss-take, wherein I would have done something in a way that is not acceptable to the prof, and thus must simply correct it, and do a re-take, by either
speaking to the prof, explaining my misunderstanding, and re-doing the assignment, or applying the new method within the next assignment. Within this, I see/realize/understand that in this sense, failure does not exist, because the only way I can truly fail at this endeavor is if I quit, which I will not do.
I commit myself to let go of the ‘self’ I had created myself as I unawareness, the ‘old self’ that gives up, the old habits and patterns of defeat, in order that I may re-script a new self, one that I can live with.

I commit myself to letting go of the comfort and security of old patterns and habits, in order to create new one that actually serve me.

I commit myself to walk out of old patterns and habits and into the unknown of the new without fear.
When and as I see that I am fearing letting go of ‘parts of me’/my old self/past self-definitions because it feels like I am ‘losing’ something, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by reminding myself that I am simply letting go of that which did not serve me: keeping what works and letting go of that which limits me- and doing so as a self-directed and specific daily action and practice of Who I am as a self-directed decision.
For entire series:
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