Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Day 126- Is Forcing Myself Abuse?

Ever try to give up a habit, change a repeating pattern in your life, or stop an addiction? Life can seem pretty good, nice and easy, but when you truly challenge yourself to live by principle, live your intentions instead of just intending them, and really looking honestly at what kind of person you are it can be quite a challenge. From my experience, change in this way can bring one to the limits of what one thought was previously possible, and to the darkest depths of the mind that have gone unexplored for too long. Those parts that are protected with defense mechanisms, fear and anger. Self-forgiveness is the key to go there, if self is willing to support self, to realize who self really is as a human being within one’s own life and in the context of the world as a whole. Then to bring self-awareness and self-realization to real change through practical means, not faith, hope or spirituality, but actual tangible change in living action.
Here I continue my Journey to Life, taking myself back in the context of education, continued from this blog series: click Here.
When I am defiant within and towards myself it is due to the fact that I am experiencing something that I fear giving up. When I am doing my studies, it requires focus and concentration. This has been quite a challenge for me, causing great frustration. So what do
I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what is the self-interest within/as this fear?
Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ whenever I want (which really means laziness), the control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose self-compromise over self-support because I fear losing my ability to escape from myself, my emotions and feelings, and the world, by completely letting go of my self-directive principle, and instead allowing myself to follow my mind into distractions, detours, ‘treading water’ as time, and basically not doing anything supportive/constructive for myself in my life.
I commit myself to let go of my ability to escape from myself, my emotions and feelings, and the world, ad to instead face myself head-on by taking back my self-directive principle  wherein,
I commit myself to direct myself to stand up from within/as the distractions, treading of time, and not supporting myself, by standing up from within the internal energetic experiences that I accept/allow to lead me to them, and the external actions of physical participation within them, by stopping myinternal experience with breath and self-forgiveness, and my external action with physical self-movement, away from self-destructive/self-diminishing patterns/habits, and towards self-support.
When and as I see that I am following my mind to distractions, detours, and ‘treading time’ I stop, and I breathe. I stop my internal participation in the energetic experience of escaping that which I’m avoiding by bringing myself back Here with breath, and within/through self-honesty, revealing to myself that which I am avoiding in order that I may direct my physical application to do that thing within/through using the self-supportive tools of breath, self-honesty and writing self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support myself by pushing myself to do the things I want to do like study and do research, but rather to, in moments of resistance, just ‘relax’ by pissing my time away being lazy and not doing anything except watching television, eating, and hanging out.
I commit myself to support myself to stand up to myself, within myself, by pushing myself to do the things I want to do because I know those are the things that will support me, instead of simply doing the things I want to do because they’re easy, yet over time, destructive.
When and as I see that I am diminishing myself by taking the easy route/easy way out, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by pushing myself to change my physical application to an activity that is supportive to me, specifically to do the thing that I am most likely avoiding.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT push myself through the resistances I experience, because I fear giving up my ability to relax whenever I want for as long as I want, especially when I have seen the consequences of this, which is that it perpetuates itself, and I end up eating and craving crappy food, I get fat, I withdraw from activities, and I end up feeling worse for longer instead of just pushing through the resistances when they come up and dealing with that in one moment, like a bandage: quick and painful.
I commit myself to get to know myself, Who I Am beyond the limited version of me that I have thus far accepted and allowed myseld to exist as.
I commit myself to force myself to stop the patterns and habits that diminish me and that are destructive in my Life, because I know that at times, Force Is what I will need to use, because my laziness, lack of self-responsibility, and addictions have become a force unto themselves, which is a force that I’ve accepted and allowed to become greater than me, and my ability to be able to choose Who I Am in every moment.
When and as I see that I am falling into the pre-determined self that I have accepted and allowed to become a seemingly uncontrollable force in/as my Life, which is signified by those moments in which I am doing something that I do not want to be doing, but I’m doing it anyways, because it ‘feels good’ in the moment, even though I know I will be disappointed and frustrated with myself very soon afterward, so I STOP, and I breathe. I support myself to FORCE myself to stop the activity, and comeback to common sense within the realization that that which I am doing will only serve to bring me down, over time, into depression, frustration and self-loathing… but if I force myself to stop, I will create a stronger version of me, I will not experience frustration and self-loathing, and I will avoid the unnecessary cycle of depression that comes from giving up on myself repeatedly due to not wanting to face having to actually force myself to do what’s best for myself. I support myself to be the disciplinarian that knows what’s best, and to listen to myself as that voice of reason within/as a ones with it, and equality to it.
To be continued....
To learn these self-supportive writing tools visit: DIP LITE
For the entire series leading up to this blog: Here.

No comments:

Post a Comment