Sunday, November 11, 2012

Day 121- Calming the Waves of Frustration

This blog is continued from a short series listed at the end of this blog.

Frustration passes over me like waves, wherein, everything of and as me wants to be doing something, but I still can’t seem to move myself as the directive principle of myself. It’s like this utter defiance and stubbornness, as a
voice saying “I’m not going to do it, and you can’t make me”, which sounds to me like a rebellious and stubborn child. Obviously I CAN make me do it, but it’s like there’s this threat looming, as in the example of a child being defiant, wherein, you become so infuriated by the child, but you have to remain calm and not snap in any way because then there could be consequences toward the child. So it turns into this helplessness. This helplessness I experience within myself is a result of feeling as though I can’t ‘force’ myself to do something, as one would feel helpless when trying to ‘force’ a child to do as they’re told. The difference is that the helplessness one experiences with the child is because the child is another being, and can’t be forced physically or psychically to do something, such as clean up after himself, nor can he be forced to understand why this would be necessary. If the child so chooses to ignore the reasons, there’s not much that can be done save explanations. However, there is no separate entity within myself. So, in a way, I stand as a child within myself, and also a parent, wherein I need to be the disciplinarian, and the disciplined.

Points I am dealing with:

Lack of discipline which causes frustration caused by lack of self-movement due to helplessness in the face of my own defiance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act out in defiance towards myself when and as I push myself to move myself to do things that I would normally avoid, postpone, and not do, because I have judged the thing as bad/boring/un-enjoyable, and because I have never before really challenged myself to push myself through the resistences toward doing things with the same focus and intensity as things I enjoy doing.

I see, realize and understand that, it’s not that I have to enjoy the thing, but rather to simply do it without judging it, because it is within that
judgment that the internal energetic experience of bad/boring/un-enjoyable is created, when it can instead ‘just be’ a task that I do.
I commit myself to stop judging those tasks in life that I must simply do, by stopping and withdrawing my participation within/as the thoughts that come up when/as I am doing the task.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remember that I have seen within and through experience that it is quite possible to change a judgment about something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember only the fact that I had previously entertained an internal act of defiance as a tantrum, with the attempt of the justification of the internal conversation/voice/backchat saying: “but schoolwork IS boring, it really IS in HARD and un-enjoyable in actuality, and I can’t just CHANGE that?!”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to IGNORE the fact that I CAN ‘just change that’, by diligently stopping the judgmental thoughts that come up, within an understanding of WHY it is they’re coming up (I judge things as ‘hard’, ‘un-enjoyable’, ‘boring’, etc… such as things that challenge my mind and my current understanding of things. I judge things that push me to slow down and understand things. I judge things that bring me out of my mind and into physical reality, such as sitting down and doing schoolwork instead of watching TV or shopping or some other mindless, entertaining distraction).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that this judgment is not necessary, and it is not a life sentence! I see, realize and understand that it is a choice that I can and must make in each moment: whether I am going to entertain the judgments, thus creating a hell for myself within painfully struggling through my homework, and procrastinating and stressing out about it… OR, I can choose to practice my diligence and discipline, and pay attention to my thoughts, stop myself from participating in those that are judgments towards the work, breathe through them within an understanding of what and why they are there, and choose to instead remain present, and continue on with my work without such thoughts, until it 'just is'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to IGNORE the fact that I have seen for myself that it is possible to change my judgment towards something, and thus my ‘experience’ towards that something, form an energetic internal experience of ‘dread’ and ‘not wanting to’ do it, to a simple breath by breath application of
Who I Am, as Who I Decide to be within and as my work, wherein I can choose to stand one and equal to the work, no judgments, just me moving myself through the work step by step as necessary. And so:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself as unable and incapable of
changing my experience of myself towards the work I have to do, and thus then avoid/procrastinate/dread doing it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can simply walk step by step and apply myself moment to moment and make the self-directed choice to be diligent and disciplined with my thoughts and thus simply do the work as me: no reactions, no movement within me, almost even at times some enjoyment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into or entertain this act of defiance by blindly accepting it as who I am and how I’m limited, instead of looking at it for what it is: a simple judgment due to a resistance to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so blind as to claim to not even understand, see or realize what I am in fact busy with within myself as my mind when I experience these resistances: It is pure laziness, lack of discipline and lack of diligence due to me never having pushed myself to develop these practical skills within myself towards myself as my mind before.

I commit myself to developing the practical skills of discipline and diligence within myself towards myself as my mind by patiently pushing myself through these resistances, within and understanding of what they are, over and over again until it is Who I Am.

I see, realize and understand that change does not magically happen overnight, and that it requires pushing myself through resistances over and over again, over time and through different situations and experiences and in awareness, because I developed the lack of these skills by giving up on myself, over and over again, over time and through different situations and experiences in unawareness.
To be continued…

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  1. "I commit myself to developing the practical skills of discipline and diligence..."

    Why haven't I thought of these as practical skills that can be developed before? Thanks for your words ")

  2. yes, it's so simple yet so overlooked that we have to actually realize it over and over- or so I've experienced. Patiently pushing oneself a little each day results in change over time- it's proven! What an empowering tool.

  3. really cool, thanks for sharing Kim!