Friday, November 9, 2012

Day 120- Am I Useless as a Student?

This blog is continued from Day 119- Equality as a Student, so, for context I would suggest to read that blog. I’m walking a series of blogs to re-learn and re-teach myself how to learn and study and be an effective student. The character I am deconstructing is the ‘getting out of the work’ character, which had been very prevalent throughout my academic career and even in other areas of my life. My question is: why can’t I just do the work without reacting, getting frustrated and distracted etc… why can’t I just make the decision to choose to move myself to just do the work (schoolwork) as that which I am occupying myself with at that moment? The answer is my own mind, and it has been fascinating thus far to see exactly what I had created within myself. Here I’m continuing with the reaction dimension of this aforementioned character:


I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest this experience of ‘uselessness’ within me, as me, when faced with a moment of decision, when it comes to moments in my life where I am required to do something I don’t necessarily want to do, thus creating this entire experience/reaction as uselessness, as in, “It’s useless”, “why bother with this”, “What’s the point, it’s not making a difference” and so on. Within this, I see, realize and understand that self-interest within not wanting to push myself to actually move myself and do/accomplish things when there is no motivation, wherein I would rather not upset my comfortable patterns I have existed as thus far. In this, I see the absolute self-limitation and self-belittlement within the experience of uselessness, which I had created myself, and made as an experience for myself, so it is also within my power to not create such an experience.
In this, I commit myself to choose to not create the experience of uselessness, to not base myself on an experience, and then make that experience real by believing it to be who and how I am, but instead to stand up from within this experience, and to move myself despite this experience, because the experience is based on the fact that I have looked at my schoolwork, and decided that I as a human being, am unable to get through it. Without first even have tried, I had simply looked at it, and decided: it’s useless, which would then allow me to not even have to try, but instead to fall back into the comfort and laziness of not trying, not pushing myself in any way, wherein I would sink deeper and deeper into the mind of illusion, where things are predetermined in self-interest, based on really not caring or not wanting to be bothered in any way whatsoever. In this, I am basically making the statement that I don’t want to live or be life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed uselessness to exist within and as me, and I have grown and re-enforced this experience as me, by participating within it, as it, over and over in moments where I would see that there is work to do, and had built the work up to be so great, greater than myself and my ability, that I would have then made the decision “it’s useless”, which is really making the statement “I’m useless”, based on the entire scenario I myself had created with regards to my
judgment of the work and my self-judgment, which conveniently enough, sets up an entire scenario of non-action, non-movement and becoming less-than life by creating scenario where I don’t really have to ‘do’ anything, because I had made up my mind that it’s useless, and thus I do not have to even try now.
Within this, I see, realize and understand that I am manipulating the entire environment wherein I have the luxury to do so, and creating for myself a platform of laziness, giving up and non-action.

I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to, when and as I am able, to manipulate my entire environment through manipulating ‘how I feel’ about it, and ‘how I see it’ through how I have judged it. I see, realize and understand that this is only possible when one has the luxury of time and ability to choose to not do something, to put it off, or to do something else instead.
 I see, realize and understand that such moments for myself, are moments as opportunities, wherein, I can choose who and how I am and will be in these moments, because I am in a moment of choice.
 In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse that I will wait till I 'have to’ do it, because only THEN will I have the motivation, and THEN it will be easier, but now I see, realize and understand that THEN is only ever NOW, and that I have to decide in every NOW who and how I will be, despite how I have judged that which I am doing, because in putting it off till later, I am only creating a future fuck-up for myself, setting myself up to fall back into the ‘getting out of work’ character, instead of putting my foot down and saying “No More”, I have had it with this push and pull of ups and downs when it comes to facing things that I have judged as ‘hard’ or ‘challenging’. Because, in that sheer act of judgment, I am creating an entire play-out for myself.
When in simplicity and in awareness I can simply stop the judgment and simply walk breath by breath. It really is that simple to stop creating these situations in separation and unawareness, and to start to instead live in each moment, where I walk in self-support and self-equality
To be continued…
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For the entire series:

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