Blog Series- Becoming an Effective Student

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies
Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)
Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)
Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day114- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 6)
Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)
Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)
Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)
Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)
Day 118- Learning How To Learn
Day119- Equality as a Student
Day121- Calming the Waves of Frustration
Day 122- I Am No Match For ME

Day123- Controlling Self in the Face of Many Temptations

Day 124- Pursuing Likes and Avoiding Dislikes Is Not Really Living

Day 125- A Prisoner to Addiction

Day 126- Is Forcing Myself Abuse?

Day 127- From Slave to Master of Myself

 

 

Day 120- Am I Useless as a Student?

This blog is continued from Day 119- Equality as a Student, so, for context I would suggest to read that blog. I’m walking a series of blogs to re-learn and re-teach myself how to learn and study and be an effective student. The character I am deconstructing is the ‘getting out of the work’ character, which had been very prevalent throughout my academic career and even in other areas of my life. My question is: why can’t I just do the work without reacting, getting frustrated and distracted etc… why can’t I just make the decision to choose to move myself to just do the work (schoolwork) as that which I am occupying myself with at that moment? The answer is my own mind, and it has been fascinating thus far to see exactly what I had created within myself. Here I’m continuing with the reaction dimension of this aforementioned character:

 

Reactions:
Uselessness
Frustration
Anxiety
Stress
Overwhelming-ness
Depression
Inferiority


Uselessness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest this experience of ‘uselessness’ within me, as me, when faced with a moment of decision, when it comes to moments in my life where I am required to do something I don’t necessarily want to do, thus creating this entire experience/reaction as uselessness, as in, “It’s useless”, “why bother with this”, “What’s the point, it’s not making a difference” and so on. Within this, I see, realize and understand that self-interest within not wanting to push myself to actually move myself and do/accomplish things when there is no motivation, wherein I would rather not upset my comfortable patterns I have existed as thus far. In this, I see the absolute self-limitation and self-belittlement within the experience of uselessness, which I had created myself, and made as an experience for myself, so it is also within my power to not create such an experience.

In this, I commit myself to choose to not create the experience of uselessness, to not base myself on an experience, and then make that experience real by believing it to be who and how I am, but instead to stand up from within this experience, and to move myself despite this experience, because the experience is based on the fact that I have looked at my schoolwork, and decided that I as a human being, am unable to get through it. Without first even have tried, I had simply looked at it, and decided: it’s useless, which would then allow me to not even have to try, but instead to fall back into the comfort and laziness of not trying, not pushing myself in any way, wherein I would sink deeper and deeper into the mind of illusion, where things are predetermined in self-interest, based on really not caring or not wanting to be bothered in any way whatsoever. In this, I am basically making the statement that I don’t want to live or be life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed uselessness to exist within and as me, and I have grown and re-enforced this experience as me, by participating within it, as it, over and over in moments where I would see that there is work to do, and had built the work up to be so great, greater than myself and my ability, that I would have then made the decision “it’s useless”, which is really making the statement “I’m useless”, based on the entire scenario I myself had created with regards to my

judgment of the work and my self-judgment, which conveniently enough, sets up an entire scenario of non-action, non-movement and becoming less-than life by creating scenario where I don’t really have to ‘do’ anything, because I had made up my mind that it’s useless, and thus I do not have to even try now.

Within this, I see, realize and understand that I am manipulating the entire environment wherein I have the luxury to do so, and creating for myself a platform of laziness, giving up and non-action.

I forgive myself for

accepting and allowing myself to, when and as I am able, to manipulate my entire environment through manipulating ‘how I feel’ about it, and ‘how I see it’ through how I have judged it. I see, realize and understand that this is only possible when one has the luxury of time and ability to choose to not do something, to put it off, or to do something else instead.

 I see, realize and understand that such moments for myself, are moments as opportunities, wherein, I can choose who and how I am and will be in these moments, because I am in a moment of choice.

 In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse that I will wait till I 'have to’ do it, because only THEN will I have the motivation, and THEN it will be easier, but now I see, realize and understand that THEN is only ever NOW, and that I have to decide in every NOW who and how I will be, despite how I have judged that which I am doing, because in putting it off till later, I am only creating a future fuck-up for myself, setting myself up to fall back into the ‘getting out of work’ character, instead of putting my foot down and saying “No More”, I have had it with this push and pull of ups and downs when it comes to facing things that I have judged as ‘hard’ or ‘challenging’. Because, in that sheer act of judgment, I am creating an entire play-out for myself.

When in simplicity and in awareness I can simply stop the judgment and simply walk breath by breath. It really is that simple to stop creating these situations in separation and unawareness, and to start to instead live in each moment, where I walk in self-support and self-equality

To be continued…

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For the entire series:

 

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

 

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

 

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

 

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

 

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

 

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

 

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

 

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

 

Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)

 

Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)

 

Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)

 

Day 118- Learning How To Learn

Day119- Equality as a Student

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

This blog is continued from the specific self-forgiveness statements made in my last blog wherein I took on the specific fears that I hold in my mind in relation to ‘getting out of doing the work’, and how I use them to justify not doing homework assignments (and many things in life, but focusing here specifically on my studies, as that is what I am currently confronting). My goal is to work through my assignment, step by step, without all the unnecessary ‘mind-babble,’ or ‘mind-noise’ that distracts me, frustrates me and ‘causes’ me to procrastinate and stress out, instead of just remaining Here and fully applying myself within my work.

So, to check out the blog from which the following statements are directly related, click here.

I commit myself to, when and as I see that I am creating and manifesting the fear that I will not understand the assignment, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to presence and awareness by reminding myself that I do not have o participate in this fear and can simply let it go, because I see, realize and understand that if I were to participate in the fear, it will lead to the fear of not doing my work well, then to the fear of being judged by the teacher, which leads me to contemplate giving up before I even start, which makes it more difficult to start which then leads to procrastination, which leads to rushed work, which causes stress, which leads to poor work. Within this, I see how my decision to follow even one thought, as a fear in this instance, can lead to an entire ‘cascade’ of thoughts and fears which create resistances within me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that by slowing the mind down, I can ‘catch’ the thought when and as it arises, and then give myself that opportunity to make the self-directed decision to not follow it, in which case, I simply breathe myself out of the mind and into the body, and continue reading/working on my assignment uninterrupted.

I commit myself to stop creating self-limiting fears within and as me, by slowly learning, practicing and becoming aware of the fears as they arise in one single thought, and stopping them there where it’s most simple and easy for me to do so (instead of accepting/allowing myself to ’build it up’ into an entire ‘cascade’ or ‘entity’ that then directs me as fear instead of me directing myself Here, as Who I Am as presence and awareness, as diligence and discipline, as patience and self-understanding). Within this:

I commit myself to stop myself from accepting and allowing the self-limiting fears to exist/grow within and as me by stopping myself from continuously bringing p past memories of past moments where I did not understand the assignment and so I did it wrong and failed, or feared to fail, wherein I will in my mind, take quick glimpses of that memory as a ‘reminder’ to myself of the fears I have participated in in the past, thus bringing forth that past energetic experience into the present moment as if it were Here with me as my reality, when in fact I can clearly see, realize and understand that my reality is the present moment and thus subject to my self-direction, in which case I can direct myself to change my behavior and NOT re-live/repeat past instances of failure or fear of failure, but rather live each moment as a new moment, wherein I can apply myself to be/become that which I wish to be and become.

I commit myself to simply let go of the old memories that I hang on to which do not serve me in any way whatsoever, by constantly and continuously, diligently and patiently, and within self-discipline and self-understanding, keep bringing myself back to the present moment using the tool of breath, human physical breath that takes place moment to moment, a new breath for each new moment, as breaths cannot be recycled, held onto or re-used, and so I will also live to a certain extent, wherein I will myself to direct each moment as Who I Am Here, instead of by who I was ‘before’ or what I fear.

When and as I see that I am ‘glimpsing’ old memories by accepting/allowing them to seemingly ‘pop’ up randomly I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the present moment by becoming aware of the fact that I am re-living past memories by identifying them by the feeling or emotional experience they create within/as me; by stopping and deleting them by saying delete out loud or disintegrating them in my mind, I breathe through the emotional or energetic experience they (I) created within me as me, and then take back my self-directive principle by reminding myself that I am at the wheel here, I decide, I direct me. Then I direct myself to either: focus back on the work, take a quick stretch, or breathe for a moment, and then return to my studies.

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To be continued…

Day 36- Pushing Myself to Study Effectively

I’ve been in school for two years non-stop now, and I’m still having some difficulty with focus and concentration on my studies. I know I spent 18 years developing bad study habits and so it’s going to be a bit of a process to correct it, and that’s cool- I can do ths. So I’m just bringing it up here once again, from a new angle/dimension as I have slowly been addressing all dimensions of my toubles with studying. I started with stress and anxiety, fear of failure, problems with authority and lack of self-movement and discipline already, and now it’s just some nitty gritty stuff. Some real practical application stuff that requires diligence as I actually continue to walk this change into the physical reality of myself. Self-forgiveness makes pushing through resistances more do-able I find, because of the understanding involved where it’s like: “okay, I know why I ‘m doing this, I know why it seems hard, I know where I’m going with this, I know this is not going to last forever, I know how much better I’ll feel later if I do his now” …etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist studying, reading my lessons and taking notes for an upcoming exam.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distracted and preoccupied while studying my lessons, reading and taking notes, because I have defined it as boring and not what I would prefer to be doing, instead of realizing that everything I do can be utilized as an opportunity to apply myself, to push myself and to expand myself- no matter what it is I am doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my lessons are hard because of the vocabulary.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define texts with more advanced vocabulary as hard instead of realizing that it only takes one moment to look up the word in a new tab and to then integrate that word by looking at its context within the sentence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lost and overwhelmed within the denser parts of the chapter, because I would rather be skimming through all the material within the desire for it to all be simple and easy and something I can complete quickly, instead of realizing that some parts of the chapter will require more focus and attention to fully understand, and that I need to take it slow at those points so as to fully comprehend the lesson.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to skip over the parts I don’t understand within the text, as if I’ll piece it all together by the end, instead of realizing that this causes me to become frustrated because I end up not completely understanding what I’m reading.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I don’t completely understand the text because I’ve skimmed over some parts due to laziness, thus sabotaging myself and hashing up old memories of being completely lost in school wherein I developed the belief that “I just can’t do this, I just can’t understand, there’s something wrong with me, I’m not like the others, it’s more difficult for me” and so on, without taking a moment to look at how I actually created this reality for myself by not applying myself as much as is/was required of me to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relive two particular memories of doing quizzes which I had not studied for, wherein I did not take any self-responsibility, but instead allowed myself to fail and go into self-judgment, and after repeating this type of behavior enough times I ended up defining myself as one who is not capable of school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the victim by defining myself as incapable, instead of standing up and changing my habits and actually applying myself fully, as I know full well I am capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my self-definition of ‘incapable of schoolwork/focusing/concentrating/understanding’  as an excuse to not have to fully apply myself, because it’s easier to judge/define myself than it is to actually push myself to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as incapable of schoolwork.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that school is more difficult for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by believing I simply can’t do it, instead of realizing that I can do it because I have all the tools I need available to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overdo it at times when I’m studying, within the belief that I need to push push push all the time, instead of taking myself and my physical body into consideration by giving myself breaks and doing it in shorter spurts, such as studying for 45 minutes, and then taking a 15 minute break.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that pushing myself to sit there and stare at the screen is effective, instead of realizing quality over quantity- it’s doesn’t matter how much time I put in if I’m not learning, absorbing, understanding anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up studying as some big arduous task that ‘nearly kills me,’ and then procrastinating from doing it because I’ve built up this belief, instead of simply setting up my spot, setting up my timeframe, sitting down and starting. It doesn’t have to be so miserable- that is entirely self-created.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define studying as miserable instead of taking self-responsibility and looking into how I created that experience for myself, wherein I am now using it as an excuse to become distracted and make it worse.

I realize I have made studying ‘miserable’ ‘arduous’ and ‘difficult’ by skimming over tough sections of text, by not adequately looking up and integrating the vocabulary I don’t understand, by defining the entire experience on past memories, and by projecting those past memories into the future thus setting myself up to procrastinate.

When and as I am going to study I DO NOT STOP moving me towards the task. I DO NOT give myself the time to project how it’s going to be. I simply keep putting one foot in front of the other until I am sitting down and ready to go, and then I breathe, clear myself, and start with 45 minutes.

When and as I see myself becoming distracted while studying, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness and check why I am allowing myself to be/become distracted: is it the vocabulary, is it a tough spot in the text, is it past memories or am I defining the moment as too hard, too arduous as an excuse to escape self-responsibility.

I commit myself to push myself within studying, within the understanding of the importance of being able to discipline myself and utilize every moment and every breath as an opportunity to push and expand me.

I commit myself to gently change myself from the bad habits and definitions I have created for myself within school/studying over time, so that I may stop creating the same experience over and over, and instead simply move myself through the task, within presence as who I am.

I commit myself to push through the resistances I will inevitably face as I change the habits and patterns I have become so used to within studying.