Saturday, November 3, 2012

Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)

          In my last blog I gave a little update-type of post, and within this blog I am continuing with the ‘getting out of the work’ character, for context visit:

         This is a character I go into and have gone into since the beginning of my academic career. It is an actual manifestation of myself as one who will do anything to not do the work that is required of me. This character is triggered by all sorts of

thoughts/feelings/emotions/beliefs/memories etc… that emerge within me when there is a difficult task, in this case, schoolwork which I find hard, thus activating this entire character within and as me that I have to fight with in order to move myself to get down to just doing the damn work.

          It’s really not that complicated, yet I have made it so for myself over the years, decades now even, and so now here I am dealing with it. Untangling the web, tracing back each thread to its source so that I can take out the knots and kinks that bind me in order to re-create myself as a self that is capable of self-support.

Continuing herewith, the imagination dimension:
Yet another dimension of a character. When and as I am faced with schoolwork, what things seem to ‘pop’ into my head that can be classified as imaginings:
1) I imagine myself starting the work, and then effortlessly zipping right through it without the least bit of effort, and then getting on with my life.

          The consequence of this is that it is obviously not in any way aligned with reality, therefore when I actually do sit down to do the work, and I read about what is going to be required of me, as soon as I see that it’s not going to be easy and effortless I’ll have a reaction. So, what I am not considering is the amount of
time that will be involved in doing the work, and the multitude of steps, both forward and backward, that inevitably take place within my studies and getting through the work.
2) I imagine an assignment I have to do, then I think about another assignment I have for another class, and then I think about the exams, and eventually I have compressed time and I’m now looking at all the assignments I’m going to have to get through and it just seems like this insurmountable wall of work that I’m looking at.

           The consequence of this is that when I do sit down to do the work, it feels like I’m moving so increadibly slowly, and that I’m barely sratching the surface of what I’m going to have to get through in the next week/month/semester ad it’s like “how am I going to do this all?”

I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to imagine my schoolwork as being super easy and seeing and visualizing myself ‘zipping’ through it in no time at all, wherein, when it comes time to actually sit down and do the work, I find myself feeling overly discouraged when and as I face a point that will require extra time and effort- more so than I had planned for within my unrealistic imagining of the event.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an unrealistic scenario in my head, wherein all my schoolwork seems extremely easy and quick, when I know in fact that this is not so, yet I would sabotage myself by imagining such a scenario within a judgment of the class being easy, or myself being smart and experienced and more advanced in my studies than this class is designed for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge some classes as easy, when I know through having learned from experience that even introductory courses require learning concepts, memorizing information, reading lengthy texts and understanding and integrating new information, and can be just as difficult, or require just as much application as the more advanced classes I have taken.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as more advanced because I have taken more difficult courses than the ones I am currently in, wherein I lead myself to imagine that these courses should be easier, when in fact I have seen that such a tendency to imagine the work being easy for me has only ever created the opposite effect, because I approached the work within the belief that I would not have to apply myself as much.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach any work within the belief that I will not have to apply myself as much, within the assumption that applying myself takes more effort, when in fact applying myself only requires me to be present while I am working, and not applying myself is simply me allowing myself to be lazy, to be preoccupied, to be distracted and to be 'up in my mind' fantasizing and day dreaming which is always avoiding real life and creating more work and more consequences for myself. Thus, I see, realize and understand that fully applying myself is a skill that becomes ‘easier’ as I practice it, while avoiding applying myself always creates more work for myself soon after.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attempt to justify for myself reasons to be lazy and avoid applying myself, such as ‘I have already done the hard stuff’ and ‘this work will be easier,’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that within approaching work from a starting point of equality and oneness, all work is the same in terms of Who I Am within doing the work, as I will not accept Who I Am as lazy and as avoidance within anything I do, within this:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as Who I Am as equal and one with/as presence and awareness, diligence, patience and discipline within my starting point when and as I approach schoolwork.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within a starting point of laziness and avoidance within doing my schoolwork/approaching doing work.
To be continued….
To learn these self-supportive writting tools visite DIP LITE
For the entire series

No comments:

Post a Comment