This blog is continued from my last blog and it is a part of this
series:
Day119- Equality as a Student
Day121- Calming the Waves of Frustration
Day 122- I Am No Match For ME
In italics are the paragraphs from my last blog, which I will
be deconstructing with self-forgiveness:
I made an analogy of ‘my own
defiance’ feeling
like being confronted
by a defiant child
and feeling helpless because one cannot ‘force’ a child to do anything if the
child so chooses to set its mind upon
being defiant. I related that the inability to do anything about that situation
was due to potential consequences.
What I was referring to was situation where adults become so frustrated with
the child that they will use physical force/violence, or violent words/reaction
such as getting angry
and yelling- both approaches would normally have negative impacts on both adult
and child, which were the negative consequences I was talking about in my last
blog.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to behave defiantly within and towards myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defy
myself and fall in the face of my own defiance because of the fear of negative
consequence of myself throwing an internal tantrum because I’m not ‘getting my
way’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become
frustrated with myself for doing something that I am in complete control
of, within the belief that I am helpless to change it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated when I set myself to study or do homework, because I have the tendency to ‘take it easy’ on myself and let myself get away with not focusing, becoming distracted taking long breaks- spending more time taking breaks than doing the actual work, instead of breathing and taking self-directed breaks, which I had scripted for myself to correct. There are no more excuses.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose avoiding my own inner tantrum rather than forcing myself to study, thus choosing self-compromise over self-expansion. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not honour myself as Life.
Bringing it back to self:
When I am defiant within and towards myself it is due to the fact that I am experiencing something that I fear giving up. When I am doing my studies, it requires focus and concentration. This has been quite a challenge for me, causing great frustration. So what do I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what it the self-interest within/as this fear?
Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ (which really means laziness), the control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose self-compromise over self-support because I fear losing my ability to escape from myself, my emotions and feelings, and the world, by completely letting go of my self-directive principle, and instead allowing myself to follow my mind into distractions, detours, ‘treading water’ as time, and basically not doing anything supportive/constructive for myself in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated when I set myself to study or do homework, because I have the tendency to ‘take it easy’ on myself and let myself get away with not focusing, becoming distracted taking long breaks- spending more time taking breaks than doing the actual work, instead of breathing and taking self-directed breaks, which I had scripted for myself to correct. There are no more excuses.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose avoiding my own inner tantrum rather than forcing myself to study, thus choosing self-compromise over self-expansion. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not honour myself as Life.
Bringing it back to self:
When I am defiant within and towards myself it is due to the fact that I am experiencing something that I fear giving up. When I am doing my studies, it requires focus and concentration. This has been quite a challenge for me, causing great frustration. So what do I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what it the self-interest within/as this fear?
Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ (which really means laziness), the control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose self-compromise over self-support because I fear losing my ability to escape from myself, my emotions and feelings, and the world, by completely letting go of my self-directive principle, and instead allowing myself to follow my mind into distractions, detours, ‘treading water’ as time, and basically not doing anything supportive/constructive for myself in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not
support myself by pushing myself to do the things I want to do like study and
do research, but rather to, in moments of resistance, just ‘relax’ by pissing
my time away being lazy and not doing anything except watching television and
hanging out.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT push myself through the resistances I experience, because I fear giving up my ability to relax whenever I want for as long as I want, especially when I have seen the consequences of this, which is that it perpetuates itself, and I end up eating and craving crappy food, I get fat, I withdraw from activities, and I end up feeling worse for longer instead of just pushing through the resistances when they come up and dealing with that in one moment, like a bandage: quick and painful.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that dealing with resistances in the moment may seem painful, but not dealing with them, and instead succumbing to them creates way more pain and suffering in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone consequences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ is any kind of way to live, especially considering I don’t even understand why I like certain things over others, and also because the things I like are usually the things that are the worst for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think
that life is about pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ instead of seeing,
realizing and understanding that there is only self-interest in that, there is
no principle of equality and oneness within each individual pursuing their
‘likes’ and avoiding their ‘dislikes’, there is no consideration for the effect
one’s life is having upon another within this, there is only the consequence of
the world we see today: each man for himself, pursue money
and indulgance, and avoid suffering and poverty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not
see, realize and understand that pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ lacks
any kind of process of
self-understanding, nor does it involve the understanding that sorting out
problems and taking responsibility is something most all people will not ‘like’
doing, within themselves or the world. Therefore, when we live to only
experience our ‘likes’, we condemn ourselves and generations to come to a world
deprived of any real life or living, only a world of war as each fights for
their own lives/likes.
To be continued….
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