Day 199- Tracing the Source Patterns of OCD (3)

I have writen these these self-committment statements to support myself to change how I learn. Learning has been a hostile and laborious process for me throughout school, which seeped over into my working life. I have been using the process of writing to de-program this perception I have held regarding learning and the learning process, and am re-scripting through words the way in which I would prefer myself to experience this process.This is related to OCD because I am dismantling trigger points that cause me to go into the disorder. One of these trigger points is being confronted/presented with a new concept I do not immediately understand. I am looking into why this triggers OCD within me, and have discovered so far that the learning process overwhelms me. I need to look into this further to figure out why and how this is, how I created this in the first place, and how I have morphed it over time into something completely different that the initial experience/memories.

 I am using my own self-realizations which I derive from writing self-forgiveness and self-corrective application statements in these blogs: Day 196- Tracing the Source Patterns of OCD  and Day 199- Tracing the Source Patterns of OCD (pt 2), The following is based on this self-forgiveness, although more points opened up as I was writing, and I included them in the current self-corrective applications.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to understand everything immediately, in other words and furthermore:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that concepts are only understandable if I can understand them right away/immediately and without effort. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘shut down’ within myself when and as I am confronted/presented with a concept that I do not yet understand, due to the belief that I will never understand accompanied by frustration, confusion and self-judgment.”

When and as I see that I am ‘shutting down’ within myself as a form of self-defeat when/as I am confronted/presented with a new concept which I do not initially understand, I stop, and I breathe. I direct myself to take a step back and stop my participation within/as these reactions in order that I may clear my mind and starting point, and to look at the concept with ‘fresh eyes’, meaning, from a changed starting point; from “I just don’t get it”, to “how does this actually work/how can this make sense” understanding that, within asking myself questions and looking at the concept for answers, I am essentially teaching myself the concept.

Wen and as I react within fear and self-judgment due to being confronted/presented with a new concept that I do not initially understand, and one which I can’t figure out on my own, I direct myself to utilize an resources available to me, such as documents, the internet, or individuals in my environment. I remind myself to remain present and to open my ears and my eyes to see and hear what is being explained to me, so that I don’t distract myself with thoughts/worries/beliefs/emotions that I might get it wrong or that I am being judged for not immediately knowing/understanding the concept. I see/realize/understand that this is my very own self-judgment that I am projecting on to others/my environment, causing me to feel like ‘shutting down’, when I can simply change my perception to create a learning environment that is open, accepting, supportive and enjoyable.
 

http://www.abe.org.uk/public/images/learn1.jpg

 

More to come...

Blog Series- Becoming an Effective Student

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies
Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)
Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)
Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day114- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 6)
Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)
Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)
Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)
Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)
Day 118- Learning How To Learn
Day119- Equality as a Student
Day121- Calming the Waves of Frustration
Day 122- I Am No Match For ME

Day123- Controlling Self in the Face of Many Temptations

Day 124- Pursuing Likes and Avoiding Dislikes Is Not Really Living

Day 125- A Prisoner to Addiction

Day 126- Is Forcing Myself Abuse?

Day 127- From Slave to Master of Myself

 

 

Day 1- Disbelief

7 years? What! Can I do that?... Why not?

The pattern I am exposing within myself today is that of requiring a belief that I can do something based on my past, in order to believe that I can do it in the future. This is quite a dichotomy, because if I haven’t already done something (such as commit to a seven year process) then I don’t allow myself to believe that I can do it. So basically, the statement I am making  is that if I haven’t done it already, then I’ll never be able do it- Which means, I’ll never change, never grow, never learn and never expand, and never become anything more than exactly what I am right now. So, the question is, am I satisfied with me right now? HA! That is a good one. Even if I were satisfied with myself right now, then I would still be living in a world where billions suffer. This I will never be satisfied with. But the truth is that, No, I am not satisfied with myself as who and what I am in this moment. There’s a lot that needs to change within me, and within the world. So to make the statement that ‘I’m done,’ ‘I cannot change,’ by allowing my past and my belief of what I am capable of to dictate who I am is a total giving up and giving in. I refuse to give up or give in, so the only option left is to walk. One foot in front of the other, through the bullshit, till it’s done. I will commit to this seven year process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my decisions on past experiences, wherein I look to the safety of the past in order to walk into the future, instead of realizing that this is a self-defeating pattern that causes me to stagnate, to live in the past of memories and experiences, thus limiting myself to only be what I already am, and to project in to the future with fear instead of living right Here, in the present moment where I have the power to determine me, who I am, what I do and what I am capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear walking into an unscripted future wherein I move myself as self-direction because I have taught myself/learned to rely on/abdicate myself to the comforts of the mind, thus giving away my self-directive principle instead of standing as myself, and making the statement that I move me, I decide.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I am not capable of doing or being more than what I ever thought I could do or be, when I have never in fact pushed myself to realize my full potential, but have instead remained within my comfort zone and made it who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive a task (this task) is ‘too much’ before I fully commit myself to walk it through in its entirety within the realization that it is not any more tedious or more time consuming than the way I am living right now, which involves procrastination, avoidance, preoccupation and the like- which are wastes of time which I will replace with actual effective living which, when accumulated over time, builds, expands, masters and perfects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop myself before I even try, thus establishing an automated pattern of self-defeat, instead of taking the time to learn what it is to commit and see it through to the end, which will establish a pattern of self-trust in my living application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop myself with distraction, preoccupation, procrastination and avoidance instead of making the ultimate decision to stand absolute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of the indulgence of ego and personality of the mind as self-interest, and because of that fear I do not stand, but rather diminish me within my own isolated mind where I don’t have to consider anything or anyone but me, instead of actually standing and re-asserting my decision to stand in every breath until it’s done.

I commit myself to living Here, in the present moment, and to face all that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as I present myself to me in moments, thus gifting myself the opportunity to see who and how I’ve accepted and allowed me to be and become, in order to correct myself and my living application to self-honest, actual living.

I commit myself to this self-correction by committing to this seven year process of daily writing, exposing, forgiving and correcting, because I see, realize and understand that there is no other way around facing me but head on.

I commit myself to self-movement, wherein I move me, I direct me as the self-directive principle of me through any and all resistances that will inevitable arise throughout my self-transformation because I have learned and taught myself to become comfortable in not changing.

I commit myself to breathe through the resistance to changing, and to constantly and continuously direct me despite any and all resistances.

I commit myself to constant, consistent application.

I commit myself to abandoning my comfort zone, and to push myself to not stop testing my own limits in order that I may realize my full potential.

I commit myself to fully walk through the tasks I place in front of me, by fully investigating and correcting the self-created patterns of procrastination, avoidance and preoccupation of which I have become used to and comfortable with, in order to, over time, correct myself to actual effective self-honest living, through the use and application of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to actual standing and to, without fear, assert myself within my decision to stand in each breath that I breathe.