I am going to share an excerpt
from my last chat with Bernard Poolman, within which I asked for insight on how
I can assist and support myself within walking through and out of the point of
OCD. The following structure was provided:
"Memories,
for instance could be a series of memories that started at a point and then
mutated through the imagination into an other-worldly memory and eventually
into a memory that facilitate a feeling or a presence, which then transfers
into for instance an action like skin-picking. Here you can for instance, walk
it backwards - when a point of OCD occur, then you look at the feeling, dissect
it, then you look at the pattern of the feeling, then look at the memories
related to it, which are the circumstantial activation points. A Memory will be
a reflection within your environment that cause a repeating pattern. Then look
at how you have, through repeated views of the memories as thoughts, as
thinking about it, as feeling about it - mutated it. Then, search for the
original memory, the event, which started it all and then compare the original
memory with the memory as it now exist to realise how you have changed it to
support the particular repeating paranoia."
I utilized these points to write this blog: Day 196- Tracing the SourcePatterns of OCD. It is from this blog that I am continuing to investigate how past memories have come back to haunt me – so to speak- because I have used them to create an alternate or other-worldly reality/experience of myself that is not actually completely aligned with the reality that I actually live as myself. The following excerpt comes from my previous blog, which I suggest be read for context. These are the words I will be working with to begin my self-forgiveness:
“I was not
able to, at that age, consider that there is a learning process. I did not
realize that I was being actively taught something, and I thought that I was
already supposed to know these things that the other students knew. I didn’t
realize that it was ok that I didn’t know the language yet, or that I was not
the only one in the position of not knowing. I reacted to the situation in a
state of fear and confusion, and instead of remaining in the present moment and
enjoying the learning process and simply listening to the new words, I searched
into the past as if I had forgotten to do something or missed something along
the way, and I remained utterly confused and frozen with incomprehension as I
searched fruitlessly for this knowledge I was apparently supposed to have.
Obviously I did not have this knowledge yet, and my search for it was in vain”
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to want/need/desire to understand everything immediately, in
other words and furthermore:
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that concepts are only understandable
if I can understand them right away/immediately and without effort. Within
this,
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to ‘shut down’ within myself when and as I am
confronted/presented with a concept that I do not yet understand, due to the
belief that I will never understand accompanied by frustration,confusion and
self-judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to look inwards, to direct my attention internally, desperately
and frantically searching for knowledge and information pre-existent within
myself as a means to comprehend or understand a concept that I am not familiar
with, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the answer is not in
my mind, my programming or my understanding, at least not yet, it is in the
physical and thus it takes physical time and patience for the process of
learning and integration through common sense and a step-by-step process of
practice and understanding
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to react to confusion within/as fear and avoidance, within/as
self-defeat expressed as “I just don’t get it”.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing the thought “I just don’t get it” to exist within and as me as a form
of giving up and shutting down.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect the energetic experience of fear and panic to the
thought “I just don’t get it”.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to make the decision within and as myself, that when I don’t ‘get’
something, I will never get it, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to judge myself as inferior to the knowledge and
information, and inferior to those who do get it faster than/before myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to judge myself as less-than and inferior during the learning
process, which causes me to fear and avoid the learning process.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to fear and avoid the learning process due to my own accepted
and allowed self-judgment regarding who and how I am within learning.
To be continued…
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