Day 210 - Making Your Space a Home: Redefining and Living the Word 'Home'

This blog is part of a process of self-change that I am walking. The process is multi-faceted, some aspects are very structured, others are not, kind of like life. This particular part is structured, where I choose a word that I am not effectively living, break it down, and re-define it to a way that is supportive.

I found myself feeling out of place within the various homes I have occupied over time. I noticed certain friends of mine or people I meet sometimes seem to make a place their own more easily than I had managed in my life., but the truth is that I never really looked at this or asked myself if it was something I can change... until now.

I’ve moved around a lot in my life, and every time I would arrive at a new location I would have projections about what it would feel like to live there, and I would hold an optimistic outlook on how my life would be and how I would make this new place my home. I would settle in over time, but as time passed I would never quite be able to create this feeling I was looking for, the feeling of being ‘at home’.

The repeating cycle that would occur is that the new apartment would become messy and disorganized and financial and other stresses would inevitably arise and plant their roots in my mind and thus be reflected back to me by my environment. Soon most things in the house would cause a negative reaction in me, such as anxiety for example, as I would see things I was neglecting or unfinished projects I would judge myself for having abandoned.

Slowly, over time I would lose my authority in the situation, as I would lose authority over myself and my actions, and this unfortunately leads to a lack of order and direction, which creates an environment that is not conducive to healing, growing or expanding. This environment is actually more conducive to perpetuating anxiety, overwhelmingness and other self-limiting patterns, wherein I become the product of the environment I have created, instead of the environment becoming the product of me as I create myself into someone that is striving to meet their utmost potential.

In this blog I’ve taken up looking at this word ‘home’, and I have decided that it is time for me to decide how I am going to re-define the word ‘home’. This way, I can apply that definition into my daily living, thus creating a living word for myself, wherein slowly over time, one word at a time, I will create a ‘living vocabulary’ and thus, a new life for myself on My Terms – not the terms of the disorder.

The word home, a defined in the dictionary, means:

1.       the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household:

      

Sounding out the words (what hidden words or phrases can I see within the word?)

HOnor ME - (home is a place where I honour myself, and my internal/external environment should reflect that)

HOne in on ME - (Home is a place that I know in the utmost detail, and when attention is needed somewhere, I hone in on it. If something requires attention and is not getting done, I first hone in on me – my mind – to check why am I not moving myself to tend to the task)

HarmOny in ME ( Home is a place where I create as little friction as possible, where events and play-outs are directed by me in a way that creates them to be beneficial to me, supporting and nurturing my growth and development).

HOusing ME ( Home is the physical location that is housing me, whether it is in my body or my house, and it therefore requires to be physically maintained: kept clean, tidy, organized, well presented, and practical for me).

I like how in the ‘sounding out’ of the word I see a focus on ‘me’, before only considering the physical location, because this way home can be wherever I am. The dictionary definition states that a home is the place where one lives ‘permanently’. 

This can be complicated for someone in my situation who has for so long been living temporarily in different locations. If I were to limit myself and my experience to the dictionary’s definition, then I may react by feeling things like lost, homeless and self-pitying, because, according to the dictionary definition, I don’t have a’ home’! This can potentially be disempowering, because it’s important to have a place and a space within which to grow and be grounded, and without one I feel ungrounded and like I have no place, This is the kind of potential consequence of not fully investigating the words we are living and defining ourselves according to.

I would like to instead Empower myself by creating my own definition for the word home. This new definition is not just a physical location; it is a living and a doing, internal and external. ‘Home’ is actually who and how I am within myself, and the physical location is simply an extension of myself, so that by extension, it also becomes my ‘home’.

Home:

Orderly – I have a place for things and I address and tend to all components as necessary.

Safe – it is a safe place/space because as I establish the environment I want to create, such as developing self-acceptance (no judgment) and self-discipline (stopping OCD patterns, keeping everything in order etc), my mistakes, falls and slip-ups are immediately forgiven, and the slate is clean for me to learn from the experience and try again. In my home environment, internal and external, I forgive myself, I learn, I expand.

Directed - Home is where I prioritize what needs to get done, and I move myself through the tasks. This is Self-direction, where I am the one that assesses my home’s needs – my body as food, water, exercise, relaxation etc… my house as groceries, cleaning, decorating etc… in my home, I push myself to get everything that needs to get done, done.

Update:

I have really enjoyed living this re-defined word. I have been making spots for everything in my environment, and pushing to stay consistent with putting items back in their place. I have made some small investments into decorations, candles, plants and furniture that I chose from a starting point of creating my space as my home.

The process of self-change is not an instantaneous one, and I know it will take time. But already I am experiencing myself differently in my environment. It is warm and comforting and I do feel at home there, more so now than ever. I also find myself doing more constructive things in my space, which is always cool. Greatful to have learned the process of re-defining and living words, as I have expanded my living vocabulary to include more words to support me at work, out with friends, and while I'm alone with tasks and obligations.

Check out this video on redefining words, and how it can change YOUR life!

How can you practically redefine words within yourself and your life? How can you practice and expand yourself within Living Words? Why is it important to practice redefining words in preparation for learning how to effectively live them and make them a part of yourself and your everyday life?

And this Amazing EQAFE support: 

Home & Everything in it - Relationship Success Support 
 "How does your home environment become an extension of you?
What happens on a Quantum Physical level within you when you see each item that you have in your home environment?
Why does the way that your partner interacts with the things in your home environment have the potential to have a significant effect on you?"

 

Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)

This blog is a continued from: Day 115- FullyCommitting to my Studies (pt7).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest an imaginary situation of me ‘zipping through my schoolwork with ease’ within and as me, as the result of not wanting to face the reality of the situation, which is that the schoolwork requires me to apply myself fully and over time, which seems slow and painful in the mind, because the mind is not used to working in ‘real time,’ or physical time, which is breath-by-breath, slow and steady, wherein, when and as I am faced with schoolwork, myself as my mind ‘zips’ through it, already imagining myself being done, instead of taking a breath, and actually doing it in real time, wherein I would do the assignment breath-by-breath and not create unnecessary relationships with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by imagining tasks as easier and less time consuming than they really are, wherein working in physical time will then seem slow and painful, when in fact is ‘just is’, and the judgment placed upon it exists only In my mind, as a result/consequence of imagining that it would be fast and easy, which also exists only in my mind, thus the entire scenario is self-created, proving it can be uncreated through stopping my participation in the source, which is my imagination/mind.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created an entire character around ‘getting out of the work’ I have to do, a character from which I imagine myself easily ‘zipping through the work’, making it harder for me to face the actual work due to added resistances/judgments/relationships with/to/towards the work, thus perpetuating the ‘get out of work’ character.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to align myself with the reality of the work I face, by taking into consideration the amount of time it will require, and the fact that it will require many steps, both forward and back, in order to complete any given assignment or any task in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in the mind of imagination instead of moving myself in physical reality in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about not just one assignment at a time, but rather imagine ALL the assignments, tests and quizzes I’ll have to eventually do, because I have pursued the energy that I derive from needlessly stressing myself out about school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the energy I derive from imagining having to do an assignment, which creates a minor amount of stress within/as me, which I then increase by continuing to think of the assignments due in my other class, and then the tests and exams, until I am in a state of overwhelming-ness, stress and anxiety about school, which causes me to want to avoid it by getting out of the work because now the work seems like ‘too much’ to handle or cope with, thus manifesting the 'getting out of the work' character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a mountain out of a molehill when it comes to my schoolwork, instead of simply taking it one thing at a time and just doing it within the realization that the only way to get through it all is by taking it one thing at a time, thus there is absolutely no reason to imagine anything more than what’s actually Here beyond simply organizing myself within a schedule.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compress time in my head wherein I’ll have to face everything at once, which is direct self-sabotage in creating an ‘insurmountable wall of work’ that is/was a completely unnecessary experience, but one which keeps me from simply remaining Here, walking step by step through that which needs to get done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself from being Here, by creating energetic experiences within/as me through imagining scenarios/compressing time in my mind, taking me away from Here and pulling me up into my mind to deal with imaginary situations that don’t exist but that I make ‘real’ through participating within/as them by giving them attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the stress/anxiety/overwhelmingness I create by/through compressing time by bringing all future work/assignment here to face all at once, by reacting to it and completely losing myself in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest stress/anxiety/overwhelmingness by imagining all of my work all at once, and then supressing these emotions by not looking at their source, but simply ‘living with’ a ‘ball’ of stress/anxiety/overwhelming-ness in my solar plexus, leading me to feel defeated and discouraged, not wanting to face my work, but never really understanding why, and instead of investigating it, I created the 'getting out of the work' character to avoid facing myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to investigate the source of my feeling/emotions and then cross-referencing them with physical reality space/time which would prove they are not valid and can’t be trusted.

Self-Correction to follow.

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For the entire series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7) 

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

This blog contains the self-commitment and self-corrective application statements from the self-forgiveness I worked through in my last blog about not being able to concentrate within my studies.

Thus, this blog is a statement of that which I am willing to commit to, and the ways in which I will change my behavior (practical application of myself in my world), which will extend beyond school and into every day life, which is an accumulation of actions. Therefore, it is of the utmost importance that I am the directive principle of Who I Am within each action in my life, because the end result of me is an outflow of who I have been within each action.

Each one has the ability to make a decision in every action, I choose to do what’s best for all, which is not really a choice. I choose to be a living, breathing being that is present and aware, and not a distracted and entertained consumer consuming zombie that does not take all life into consideration in each action. But in order to walk myself out of this mind-state, I have to, step by step, release myself from the ways in which I have abdicated myself to my mind. One of these ways is not applying myself to things that I’ve judged as ‘difficult’, such as school, wherein I literally could not apply myself to focus.

This would probably be called ADD now, however, I intend to discipline myself within focusing, by/through walking myself back into my mind in order to see how I created the distractions that occur in my own mind, as energies, resistances and uncomfortabilities. I have come a long way since starting this process, and the two years I have already spent on this point, on and off over the months. I realize that it took me many many years to develop this point within myself, thus it will take a process to undo it. I realize there are no quick fixes or easy outs, and that it’s just a matter of undoing the programming I myself have done. Self-forgiveness releases this very effectively, and allows for the re-scripting of self, wherein, one becomes free to move oneself as Who One Is moment to moment, and not limited by any ‘state of mind’.

These self-commitment and self-corrective application statements are very specifically tied to the self-forgiveness I did in my last blog. So, for context, please visit Day 107- Getting Out of the Work.

I commit myself to let go of the past memories where I struggled and failed in school, and release myself from the energetic experiences I have created within myself in relation to them.

I commit myself to begin building myself as Who I would like To Be from a clean slate, as I daily clean my slate in order to not carry around the cumbersome burden of a past filled with judgments and self-definitions which, in believing them to be real, have limited me in innumerable ways.

I commit myself to slowing down my mind with self-awareness developed through daily writing, in order that I may SEE the thoughts that seem to ‘pop’ into my head without any intention of my own, thoughts which trigger chain reactions which build into energies that cause the task at hand to seem like so much more than it actually is, which is simply reading,
understanding, synthesizing, and regurgitating- as is the way it works in the current schooling system, unfortunately.

When and as I see a though arise in relation to past memories of struggling at school due to feeling constantly ‘lost’, I stop, and I breathe. I make the directive decision to ground myself back Here by stopping my participation of the thought and deleting it in one moment by not paying attention to it, and instead bringing my focus back to the work in front t of me, which I am NOT lost within, and which I can easily navigate so long as I read the material and focus.

I commit myself to base my self-assessments on the current reality of myself, and not upon past memories and self-definitions which I had created and carried around as survival techniques and self-manipulation to not apply myself and to not remain fully present and aware within that which I do.

I commit myself to stop the old patterns and habits I had accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, because I see, realize and understand that it is not rational to continue my participation within and as them, as they only serve to limit and diminish me, and that I cannot accept or allow to continue.

When and asI see that I am about to start a project from the starting point of getting through it as quickly as possible, within and as the ‘getting out of work’ character, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to Here within and as functioning within physical time, breath by breath, and give myself as much time as I may need to do the work properly, within reason. I remind myself that physical breath-by-breath application will seem slow and even unbearable at times, but I move myself as the living realization that there is no other way, so to thus then slow down, take a breath, take it easy, breathe and continue from Here.

I commit myself to stop validating the characters I have created and existed as, by stopping my participation in the validating process of acknowledging and paying attention to the thoughts related to past experiences of ‘getting out of the work’, and instead focusing on the work in front of me breath by breath, and changing my starting point as my approach to the work, from wanting to get it all done as fast as possible, to actually making the directive decision to do it properly, so as to remove the basis platform of this character, thus not leaving it with any leg to stand on, allowing it to fall, and to then replace it with Who I Am Here as the directive of myself as breath.

I commit myself to stop perpetuating the ‘getting out of the work’ character, by stopping re-living it over and over, by changing my behavior as per the above self-commitment, from the point of realization, as the realization that this character is limiting and diminishing me, making me less than who I am.

When and as I see that I am participating in the ‘getting out of work’ character by looking at my work and only seeing millions of words on a page, creating this experience of blankness within me because I don’t yet understand them, as I have not yet read them, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to physical time by looking at the first paragraph ONLY, reading it through, breathing, and allowing myself to take a moment to absorb what it is saying, from words on a page, to information in my head, to understanding, and then on to the next paragraph.

Within this, I commit myself to stop perpetuating the ‘getting out of the work’ character by actually doing the work.

To be continued...

Day105- Helping Others: From Self-Interest to Actual Caring

Helpful Character, Imagination Dimension:

This is continued from Day 103- Defending Myself Against the World
And Day 104- Being Helpful: From Self-Interest to Actual Caring

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine projected scenarios of myself being ‘looked to for help,’ ‘thought of as helpful’. And thought of as’ very dependable and efficient’ by others, wherein I create the whole scene in my mind in order to energize and validate the ‘helpful’ character, in order to continue suppressing the ‘secret’ hidden fear that I will be exposed as ‘unhelpful’, ‘undependable’, ‘irresponsible’, and ‘inefficient’, instea of actually releasing those fear by changing the base behavior that cause them, which are putting things off, avoiding chores and accepting and allowing laziness or incomplete work as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine scenes of ‘me being helpful to others, and then having the other be grateful and in an improved situation because of me,’ wherein I have accepted and allowed such scenes to play out in my mind as if they were movies that I react to, movies which I direct and manipulate in order to manipulate my reactions to produce a positive feeling within me according to the character in my mind, which creates a negative emotion when reality doesn’t match up with the movie in my mind, creating instability, instead breathing myself out of my mind and into reality in order to practice stability.

Reaction Dimension:

“Feeling good inside, as if my worth had been proven”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the ‘helpful character’ with a ‘good’ or positive feeling because in playing out the character, I feel my worth has been proven, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my worth does not need to be proven, as all are of equal worth as Life, and only the false characters we play require to have their worth be proven, as they have no real worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become defensive when the help I offer as the ‘helpful’ character is not accepted by another, wherein I take it personally because I had stepped into character, but that character had not been validated, instead of having offered help/assistance/support from a starting point of actual care, one and equal to the other as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create/manifest an ‘excited’ charge within and as me, when and as I see I will have the opportunity to ‘help out’, and within that to desire to be successful, because I know if that happens, that I will successfully validate the helpful character, successfully validate that character as me, and successfully continue to suppress my fear of being exposed as ‘unhelpful’, ‘undependable,’ ‘irresponsible’ and inefficient’.

Physical Reactions:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mself to lower my voice in a try/attempt to make it sound ‘more mature’ and speak within/as a directness in order to ‘seem’ ‘helpful’, ‘dependable’, ‘responsible’ and ‘efficient’, in order to convince another to accept my help, which would be manipulating my physical body to fit into the role of ‘helpful’ character, thus suppressing my natural/normal physical expression with ‘false’ movements that are not ‘Who I Am’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to energize myself as my physical body when and as I see that I am going to go into or have the opportunity to go into the ‘helpful’ character, wherein I participate so thoroughly in making this character real/true/who I am that I bring it out of the mind and into physical reality through accepting/allowing myself to change my facial expression within ‘opening up my face’ by raising my eyebrows and smiling as if to say ‘trust me’, ‘let me help you’ from a starting point of self-interest of validating my character, with is in reality/actuality validating my own limitation and suppression.

 

Self commitments and self-corrective application statements to follow.

Day 8 – Saying Goodbye

Today was the day of goodbyes. I have always feared crying in front of people and due to this fear would suppress it as if my life depended on it. Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally expressive was a terrifying experience for me at first, but as I got used to it I also got used to expressing myself more and more until finally, I became comfortable with it in relation to that person. However, I would project my suppressed self on to those who have know me for longer, and within this I have to face/accept my self-change when I am with them. Today I had to say goodbye. Due to the entire life/circumstantial/situational changes I am walking into, I had projections and fears that created an overwhelming emotional experience within me, and I pushed myself to walk through the self-created pattern of suppression by allowing myself to cry, but I still had reactions, so...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear crying/expressing myself in front of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself in front of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgment of others when I cry/express myself/expose myself in front of them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for crying/expressing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for crying because I think that it reveals my weakness/the fact that I am weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive crying as weakness instead of realizing that crying can simply be a release of overwhelming emotions that I have accepted and allowed to build up within me due to my participation within thoughts, feelings, emotions, fears, regrets and projection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen or perceived as weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see or perceive myself as weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an image of myself as strong ad together and then projecting that image out as who I believe myself to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt/try to manipulate others to see mr a certain way so that I may confirm to myself that I am that way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project strength and togetherness to hide the fact that I believe myself to be weak and scattered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am weak and scattered, thus creating the polarity of myself as strong and together instead of simply being me Here, and working with myself through that which needs to be worked through in the moment in order to create myself as stability within the understanding that ‘I got this’, I can handle me through that which needs to be handled. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt or try to create a belief of strength and togetherness through thoughts and projection, instead of patiently actually building and creating it as me by investigating and pulling apart and correcting that which I accept ad allow to create weakness, scattered-ness and instability within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the polarity of strong/weak and together/scattered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself due to fear of judgment and self-expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others seeing me change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the security and apparent stability of constancy instead of realizing that the only thing that remains constant are the endless cycles of ups and down caused by participation in polarities, and endless constant patterns as habits and routines that limit me and keep me from growing, building, learning and exploring myself and my world.

I commit myself to self-change and self-exposure by fearlessly changing myself regardless of who or what or where I am, and by exposing myself to myself in forgiveness so that I may change myself accordingly.

I commit myself to myself- that I may stand as me regardless of who or what or where I am.

I commit myself to express myself when I need to, so that I may see what it is I have accepted and allowed and suppressed within me in order to expose it, forgive it and change it through self-corrective application.

When I see that I am going into suppression, I stop, and I breathe. I allow myself to express/release me so that I may continue walking my change until it is done.