Day 9 - Saying Hello

The most important thing that I’ve learned from having experienced 30 ‘new years’ is that a specific moment or event does not wipe the slate clean and allow one for a new beginning or ‘fresh start.’ I moved home yesterday. I’ve been gone for two years away at school, and now after all that time, I’m back.  I came back for three months in the summer last year, when I was all full of hope and ideas of new beginnings and fresh starts because I was all excited about ‘who I was going to be’ this time, and how I had changed and how everything would be different. Well, that didn’t happen. My bullshit was waiting for me there, like a stalker waiting patiently for its unsuspecting prey, it pounced on me the moment the initial excitement of being back home left and the reality of me, of who I am, settled back in. This leads me to the topic of today’s pattern: saying hello.

When I say hello to people who I’m meeting for the first time, sometimes I project into the future about the wonderful friendship I will have with them, the friendship I always dreamed of, and I just get a feel that maybe this will happen with this person. Or with moving; I love moving- changing apartments, changing cities, states, countries- because of the false perception I’ve created where I feel as though I have a new chance at a fresh start, as if I can run away from my problems, or from myself.

This dd not happen this time, because I decided not to delay the inevitable by participating in the energetic excitement of ‘fresh starts’ and ‘new beginnings’. I fell back into my personality that I created here immediately and the familiarity of the struggles and battles that occurred within me daily two years ago were right here with me, because, obviously, they were never gone. Its only day one and I already resisted getting up in the morning, getting ready for the da, I went online for too long, I procrastinated on getting out to do my errands, unpacking and organizing my life here, and I became overwhelmed by all the things I have to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that when I am starting something new, that I can forget about who and what and how I am and have become as a human being and ‘start fresh’ without identifying, stopping and changing all the patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in that have created me as I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe or perceive that I can ‘clean my slate’ by changing locations or starting new endeavors, without fully considering the entirety of who, what and how I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe or perceive that I can so easily change, and that I can avoid facing me, or hide from myself by simply moving, doing something new or meeting new people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need or desire to escape me and to not have to face and work through all the bullshit I have carried with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need or desire to abdicate my responsibility to myself by hiding or running away from myself, thus abdicating my responsibility to Life and by trying to find a ‘way out’ or a back door I can slip through and escape from, instead of realizing the simple truth that I cannot run away or hide from myself, and every time I try to I actually undermine any progress I may have made towards self-change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing me, and to resist working throu my bullshit as my baggage that I have created and manifested for myself throughout a life-time of not taking responsibility, instead of realizing that I am Here, and I’m not going anywhere so I might as well stop the games and start living for real, which begins by stepping up and exposing me to myself in order to stop and change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize energetic projections into the future to a future person or place I want to be without considering who I actually am and what it will take to get there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future a ‘me’ that is carefree, fun-loving, expressive, fearless and uninhibited and organized, instead of realizing myself as who and what I am, wherein I struggle with suppression, I often fear self-expression, I feel constantly inhibited by fear, shyness, embarrassment and judgment and I often struggle to get the basic life-stuff organized into an effective pattern of consistency.

Within this pattern of projecting, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by setting myself up for failure by projecting something that will take a process to get to, as if it is that easy to change the nature of who I am without first getting to know who I am, why I am, where I am and how I am. Until I know me completely, I will not be able to be fully Here, because there will always be a hidden part of me waiting to pounce on me in unsuspecting moments that will undermine me until I have faced me in my entirety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize and imagine what it would be like to be a different person, to experience myself as some ideal I have created instead of coming to terms with me Here, and walking with myself through space and time as I assist and support myself to let go, work through and expose me Here.

I commit myself to myself, the self that I am Here, to walking with myself through my manifested consequences until I am known in my entirety so that I may be able to be Here with the rest of humanity in this reality instead of in my head as a future projection that does not exist.

I commit myself to working towards self-change Here, where I actually am, within the realization that I cannot run from me, and that a new situation or place does not automatically grant me a ‘fresh start; but rather every breath I take is a fresh start as a starting point for me to start, and to keep starting until I’m done

Day 8 – Saying Goodbye

Today was the day of goodbyes. I have always feared crying in front of people and due to this fear would suppress it as if my life depended on it. Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally expressive was a terrifying experience for me at first, but as I got used to it I also got used to expressing myself more and more until finally, I became comfortable with it in relation to that person. However, I would project my suppressed self on to those who have know me for longer, and within this I have to face/accept my self-change when I am with them. Today I had to say goodbye. Due to the entire life/circumstantial/situational changes I am walking into, I had projections and fears that created an overwhelming emotional experience within me, and I pushed myself to walk through the self-created pattern of suppression by allowing myself to cry, but I still had reactions, so...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear crying/expressing myself in front of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself in front of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgment of others when I cry/express myself/expose myself in front of them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for crying/expressing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for crying because I think that it reveals my weakness/the fact that I am weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive crying as weakness instead of realizing that crying can simply be a release of overwhelming emotions that I have accepted and allowed to build up within me due to my participation within thoughts, feelings, emotions, fears, regrets and projection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen or perceived as weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see or perceive myself as weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an image of myself as strong ad together and then projecting that image out as who I believe myself to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt/try to manipulate others to see mr a certain way so that I may confirm to myself that I am that way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project strength and togetherness to hide the fact that I believe myself to be weak and scattered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am weak and scattered, thus creating the polarity of myself as strong and together instead of simply being me Here, and working with myself through that which needs to be worked through in the moment in order to create myself as stability within the understanding that ‘I got this’, I can handle me through that which needs to be handled. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt or try to create a belief of strength and togetherness through thoughts and projection, instead of patiently actually building and creating it as me by investigating and pulling apart and correcting that which I accept ad allow to create weakness, scattered-ness and instability within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the polarity of strong/weak and together/scattered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself due to fear of judgment and self-expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others seeing me change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the security and apparent stability of constancy instead of realizing that the only thing that remains constant are the endless cycles of ups and down caused by participation in polarities, and endless constant patterns as habits and routines that limit me and keep me from growing, building, learning and exploring myself and my world.

I commit myself to self-change and self-exposure by fearlessly changing myself regardless of who or what or where I am, and by exposing myself to myself in forgiveness so that I may change myself accordingly.

I commit myself to myself- that I may stand as me regardless of who or what or where I am.

I commit myself to express myself when I need to, so that I may see what it is I have accepted and allowed and suppressed within me in order to expose it, forgive it and change it through self-corrective application.

When I see that I am going into suppression, I stop, and I breathe. I allow myself to express/release me so that I may continue walking my change until it is done.