A pattern I
have observed myself participating within is the tendency to share too much of
the wrong thing. What I mean by this is that I try/attempt to share myself, my
experience etc…. with others in such a way where I am actually subtly trying to
manipulate how they perceive me within the information I choose to share. The
question I came to ask myself when I finally saw this was: Why? The answer I
was able to provide for myself was that of fear. Because I fear the way people
perceive me, I attempt to manipulate the way they see me. The reason why I
would fear this is because I have placed my own self-perception and
self-judgment within how I see myself reflected back to me through others. So,
if someone were to react towards me within absolute disgust, in my mind I would
be devastated because then I would perceive myself to be disgusting. The ironic
part within all of this is that, generally, when such instances do come up
where another displays judgments or reactions towards me, I am able to stand up
from within them and take my power back and not ‘fall for’ the old tricks of
the mind of abdication of self-responsibility through giving myself as my power
away in such a way by placing it outside of myself. So I can see that this is a
mind-based fear that exist more in my mind and as projections than in actual
reality, wherein, if such a situation was to arise, I would not allow myself to
be as affected by it because I would see it for what it was in fact, which I
have proven to myself that I am capable of doing. However, there are still
certain people and certain reactions/events that ‘get to me,’ where the
reaction is intense enough that it still seems ‘real,’ instead of me realizing
that the reaction is not ‘real’ nor who I am, but rather a mind/power/ego game
where I am not facing those parts of me that I have, in a way, given away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear facing myself as those parts of me that I have given away to sources
outside myself, such as judgments about who I am and how I direct my life, and
judgments about who I am in terms of a girl who shares the innermost depths of
her mind online for all to see, wherein I try/attempt to appear ‘normal’ to
those around me for fear that they may judge me for what I reveal without
considering what goes on within their own minds that they are not taking
responsibility for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
use my words as an expression of myself from the starting point of the above
mentioned fear, and used my words from the starting point of fear of judgment,
in order to act on that fear by trying to avoid it through trying and attempting
to manipulate others in my environment to not see me/judge me/perceive me the
way I fear to be seen/judged/perceived.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
try/attempt to paint a picture of myself as who I am or how I would like to be
perceived, when I have not yet explored, discovered and uncovered all of who I
am with/as/for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think/believe/perceive that I know who I am, and then try/attempt to prove that
through expressing how I would like others to perceive me, instead of standing
up within self-trust and self-expression in the moment, expressing myself as
who I am in the moment without the influence of the mind or fear, thus
actually discovering myself in each moment as I express me.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself
to freely express me within self-honesty in the moment because I haven’t stood
up to the fears existent within me, and have instead allowed those fears to be
an expression of who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
express fear as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
give my power away by accepting and allowing others to judge me and define me
because instead of discovering who I am in each moment through self-honest
self-expression, I have up till now only seen me within and through the
reactions/reflections of others and accept it to be who I am. Till here no
further.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear self-honest self-expression in the moment, within this, I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as who I will be without
fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
judge others without knowing them for who they really are, because when and as
I judge another, I am actually accepting and allowing the behavior within
myself, thus making the statement that I accept and allow it within others.
Therefore, if I stop, then I will no longer be influenced by the fear of
judgment from others, because I will cease to participate in making it real,
which it is not.
I commit myself to taking myself back by no longer accepting
and allowing myself to continue to give my power away to others outside myself.
I commit myself to stop living as an expression of fear, by
stopping myself from speaking/acting/moving me from a starting point of fear.
I commit myself to develop self-honest self-expression in the
moment in order that I may truly get to know myself for the first time.
When and as I see that I am speaking from a starting point of
fear, indicated by the fact that I am speaking to others in such a way as to
influence their perception of me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back
into awareness within the realization that the only way that I can emerge as a
self-directive, self-honest being that is not fear-based, is by stopping my
participation within speaking me from a starting point of fear. I stop, and I
breathe, and I realize that it is better to not speak at all, than to speak
words self-dishonestly, such as words and information that come from a starting
point of fearing what others may think of me, and wanting/needing/desiring them
to see me as I would like to be seen, instead of getting to know myself for real.
I commit myself to stop sharing myself self-dishonestly,
because I see that it is self-sabotage and keeps me trapped within cycles of
judgment, fear and self-judgment.
I commit myself to stopping sharing too much of myself, withoutreally knowing myself in my entirety.
I commit myself to remaining stable within the reality that
people are going to think what they want about me, and I commit myself to
breathe through the fear of judgment of others, until it no longer influences
me.
