8 days apart, traveling half way across
the world, unsure if everything was going to work out, if he would
make it into the country or be sent back, if he would be physically
okay, alive, traumatized?
And then this moment... How do I greet a
being that supported me through some of my toughest times, that made me
feel safe in scary situations, that I knew would have given his life to
protect me during unrest in South Africa, that sat with me through
week-long migraine attacks, that is THIS cute?
My response: an unconditional hug, a holding, an embracing, soothing, calming, and simply being there.
Ghost
was pretty frantic, stressed, out-of-sorts when I met him at the
airport in panama city. I had waited for him for 10 hours, driving
around the city running errands with a friend, very hectic traffic,
insane drivers, very very hot.
All was well at the beginning of the
(what was supposed to be) hour long drive to Coronado where Ghost and I
were staying, but the car engine God's had other plans. We stopped for gas and the car died, completely flat, not even a click or a beep upon turning the key. Dead.
We
worked well into the night diagnosing the problem, pushing the car to
safety (can't jump a car at a gas station due to gas fumes and potential
sparks, very dangerous), different cars jumping, different cables, lots
of phone calls and random people showing up to lend a hand. I
focused on Ghost. Remained calm for Ghost, remained stable for Ghost....
but was it really all for Ghost? lol! And that's how he supports me to
also be there for me, remain stable for me, keep calm for me.
Finally
we made it home, and he was out like a light. Me too, shortly after. I
listened to his sleeping grunts and yelps, and felt for the first time
in a long time that things were as they should be.
As I was driving away from the farm for the last time, I didn't want to
look back. I have driven away from this farm hundreds of times now, and
I always look back. It's so beautiful, I can't help but admire the
fields, at one point the horses, the trees, the river, even the
buildings appear as though they sprung up out of the ground and belong
there.
But this time was different. It was the Last Time. And so
this time there was sadness - and I knew this 'looking back' was more
me trying to create an emotional experience, a connection to the past.
Like trying to take a snapshot and create a memory to hold on to,
stagnant in time, keeping a part of ME stagnant.
But Life is not
stagnant, it is forever moving, flowing - past, present and future
always together in this Here moment - and all I can 'hold on to' is Who I
Choose to Be, and thus, Who I Am in every
Here moment - learning from
the past, acting in the present, creating the future. The one internal
constant is this choice, and the external constant is change.
So I
didn't look back this time, I looked forward, cause that's where I'm
heading. I'm moving forward and I'm letting go of something I never
thought I would have to let go of, and that's terrifying. And its
exciting, and it's heartbreakingly sad.
I find with these
goodbyes I always have this one last moment of wanting to fight it, to
change my mind and hold on. In the past I have followed that decision
and held on, and every time it has cycled me through repeating patterns
where I inevitably ended up in the same position of choice.
Now
it all plays out inside of me in a quantum moment, where I can see the
entire pattern from beginning to end, seeing that it always ends up at
that point of inevitability, and so I walk through the resistance,
surrender the fight, and take that step forward. Full of fear sometimes,
yes, but equally full of the courage to keep moving.
Please
enjoy these ACTUAL photos I took of this place over the past 2 years -
as in, not mental images/memories stuck in time - but physical pictures
that I decide when to look at or not:
This blog is part of a process of self-change that
I am walking. The process is multi-faceted, some aspects are very structured,
others are not, kind of like life. This particular part is structured, where I
choose a word that I am not effectively living, break it down, and re-define it
to a way that is supportive.
I found myself feeling out of place within the
various homes I have occupied over time. I noticed certain friends of mine or
people I meet sometimes seem to make a place their own more easily than I had
managed in my life., but the truth is that I never really looked at this or
asked myself if it was something I can change... until now.
I’ve moved around a lot in my life, and every time
I would arrive at a new location I would have projections about what it would
feel like to live there, and I would hold an optimistic outlook on how my life
would be and how I would make this new place my home. I would settle in over
time, but as time passed I would never quite be able to create this feeling I
was looking for, the feeling of being ‘at home’.
The repeating cycle that would occur is that the
new apartment would become messy and disorganized and financial and other
stresses would inevitably arise and plant their roots in my mind and thus be
reflected back to me by my environment. Soon most things in the house would
cause a negative reaction in me, such as anxiety for example, as I would see
things I was neglecting or unfinished projects I would judge myself for having
abandoned.
Slowly, over time I would lose my authority in the situation, as I
would lose authority over myself and my actions, and this unfortunately leads
to a lack of order and direction, which creates an environment that is not
conducive to healing, growing or expanding. This environment is actually more
conducive to perpetuating anxiety, overwhelmingness and other self-limiting
patterns, wherein I become the product of the environment I have created,
instead of the environment becoming the product of me as I create myself into
someone that is striving to meet their utmost potential.
In this blog I’ve taken up looking at this word
‘home’, and I have decided that it is time for me to decide how I am going to
re-define the word ‘home’. This way, I can apply that definition into my daily
living, thus creating a living word for myself, wherein slowly over time, one
word at a time, I will create a ‘living vocabulary’ and thus, a new life for
myself on My Terms – not the terms of the disorder.
The word home, a defined in the dictionary, means:
1.the place where one lives
permanently, especially as a member of a family or household:
Sounding out the words (what hidden words or
phrases can I see within the word?)
HOnor ME - (home is a place where I honour myself,
and my internal/external environment should reflect that)
HOne in on ME - (Home is a place that I know in the
utmost detail, and when attention is needed somewhere, I hone in on it. If
something requires attention and is not getting done, I first hone in on me –
my mind – to check why am I not moving myself to tend to the task)
HarmOny in ME ( Home is a place where I create as little
friction as possible, where events and play-outs are directed by me in a way
that creates them to be beneficial to me, supporting and nurturing my growth
and development).
HOusing ME ( Home is the physical location that is
housing me, whether it is in my body or my house, and it therefore requires to
be physically maintained: kept clean, tidy, organized, well presented, and
practical for me).
I like how in the ‘sounding out’ of the word I see
a focus on ‘me’, before only considering the physical location, because this
way home can be wherever I am. The dictionary definition states that a home is
the place where one lives ‘permanently’.
This can be complicated for someone in
my situation who has for so long been living temporarily in different locations.
If I were to limit myself and my experience to the dictionary’s definition,
then I may react by feeling things like lost, homeless and self-pitying,
because, according to the dictionary definition, I don’t have a’ home’! This
can potentially be disempowering, because it’s important to have a place and a
space within which to grow and be grounded, and without one I feel ungrounded
and like I have no place, This is the kind of potential consequence of not
fully investigating the words we are living and defining ourselves according
to.
I would like to instead Empower myself by creating
my own definition for the word home. This new definition is not just a physical
location; it is a living and a doing, internal and external. ‘Home’ is actually
who and how I am within myself, and the physical location is simply an
extension of myself, so that by extension, it also becomes my ‘home’.
Home:
Orderly – I have a place for things and I address
and tend to all components as necessary.
Safe – it is a safe place/space because as I
establish the environment I want to create, such as developing self-acceptance
(no judgment) and self-discipline (stopping OCD patterns, keeping everything in
order etc), my mistakes, falls and slip-ups are immediately forgiven, and the
slate is clean for me to learn from the experience and try again. In my home
environment, internal and external, I forgive myself, I learn, I expand.
Directed - Home is where I prioritize what needs to
get done, and I move myself through the tasks. This is Self-direction, where I
am the one that assesses my home’s needs – my body as food, water, exercise,
relaxation etc… my house as groceries, cleaning, decorating etc… in my home, I
push myself to get everything that needs to get done, done.
Update:
I have really enjoyed living this re-defined word.
I have been making spots for everything in my environment, and pushing to stay
consistent with putting items back in their place. I have made some small
investments into decorations, candles, plants and furniture that I chose from a
starting point of creating my space as my home.
The process of self-change is not an instantaneous
one, and I know it will take time. But already I am experiencing myself
differently in my environment. It is warm and comforting and I do feel at home
there, more so now than ever. I also find myself doing more constructive things
in my space, which is always cool. Greatful to have learned the process of
re-defining and living words, as I have expanded my living vocabulary to
include more words to support me at work, out with friends, and while I'm
alone with tasks and obligations.
Check out this video on redefining words, and how it can change YOUR life!
How can you practically redefine words within yourself and your life?
How can you practice and expand yourself within Living Words? Why is it
important to practice redefining words in preparation for learning how
to effectively live them and make them a part of yourself and your
everyday life?
And this Amazing EQAFE support:
Home & Everything in it - Relationship Success Support "How does your home environment become an extension of you?
What happens on a Quantum Physical level within you when you see each item that you have in your home environment?
Why does the way that your partner interacts with the things in your
home environment have the potential to have a significant effect on you?"
I'm moving back to a diffferent city. Within this I am expereiencing some fear: fear of the future (projecting into the future), fear of the unknown, fear of who I will be longterm within the new relationships I will be forming, and the emotions of leaving an environment I am comfortable in, where everthing is 'known' and already established.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project
into the future about what it’s going to be like to move by participating in
memory-based fears of what is was like when I lived there/visited in the past,
and who I was within that, thus projecting that into the future in a ‘worst
case scenario’ perspective instead of realizing that I have changed, I have new
skills, I am more stable and I can handle standing within who I am. I am
working still on all these points and the upcoming events that are about to
take place are more like opportunities for me to observe where I am at and what
it is I’m still accepting and allowing within me where I lack the self-trust to
transcend the fear of the future.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
facing an individual within addiction, it is not my responsibility and all I
can do as stand stable within me and walk through the consequences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
facing individuals within my participation with Desteni, because I know I will
have to take a stand and assert myself and discipline myself to do that which I
have committed to doing. This is not about anyone but me and my commitment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
who I am going to be with friends and family long-term, because I have made the
directive decision to change me, so I am projecting my fear of change onto them
because I cannot hide my change from anyone, but rather I reflect it off of people
in my world and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
seeing myself within change and the unknown through my reflection off thse in
my world and reality.
I realize why I have made this directive decision and that I
will stick with it no matter what, thus, I walk step by step without fear in
order to discover who I am within change, and who I am as Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
leaving the comfort of my current environment which I have always known because
it is already known, instead of realizing the limitations of remaining within the
comfort and security of the ‘known’.
I allow myself to venture into the darkness of the unknown
within the understanding that I will always have me to direct me, self-forgiveness
and self-corrective application to correct me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect
the unknown with fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
leaving the comfort of the environment I’ve always known because I fear
exposing myself to me in standing on my own without the crutches of comfort and
security, instead of realizing that I don’t require crutches because I am
walking already, and the only way I will become stronger and more stable is by
continuing to walk through into the unknown, over and over until I realize that
I am one with and equal to the unknown, therefor I am only walking into me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
the unknown as I fear the unknown parts of me, within this I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to fear myself. Instead, I commit myself to get
to know all parts of me within the realization that only the ego fears to be
exposed, because if it is exposed it will be revealed as a fraud/not real and I
will end it. I commit to ending myself as ego, and instead birthing myself as
life. Here, without fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate within the fear of my ego being exposed and ending, and I stand
within and as that ego and expose me, to end myself as ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel
guilty about leaving, the guilt is self-created, it’s only about me, it doesn’t
serve me, and I can’t live my life by these limiting self-interested emotions
of the mind instead of walking step by step within and as self-direction no
matter what I am feeling.
I commit myself to walking Here as stability regardless of
the self-limiting thoughts, feelings and emotions I manifest.
I commit myself to myself, to stand no matter who I am with
or where I am.
I commit myself to fearlessly discover me, who I
am and how far I push myself towards perfection within the practical limitations of physical reality.
In six days
I’ve gone up and come back down, and now I’m in some kind of weird numbness-limbo
state in which I feel lost and directionless. Except this time it may have more
to do with my current reality/situation. I’ m about to move away again and last
time this happened I went numb as well. I thought I wasn’t feeling anything
last time either, but then I started crying right before I went to get into the
car. I remember right before that, when I was having breakfast, my whole face
felt so heavy, yet I’m so used to suppressing my emotions that I didn’t even
realize I was sad. The sadness comes from regret.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take a
back seat when I could have stood up as myself as life in moments where I
instead allowed fear and ‘old habits’ direct me instead of directing myself
Here as Life.
These ‘old habits’ are suppression and introversion, wherein
I internalize everything in moments of fear. I commit mself to pushing though
the fear of self-expression, bit by bit by bit until I’m able to express me
without being influenced by fear.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to walk
without certainty, without direction, aimlessly while occupied and entertained
by my backchat, fantasies, ego and imagination while in reality I was/am stagnating
and accumulating consequences and not Living.
I commit myself to work on self-direction, wherein I stick to
my principles as goals, by making practical goals and then working towards them
by taking practical steps in the Hereness of each moment, because that is the
only place that I move me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to waste
time not living due to fear, patterns and habits instead of fearlessly living
Life as an equal, and one with the substance that is Here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not
believe in myself, in my Hereness and my real actual living presence, and
instead I abdicate myself to my past, and limit myself based on the beliefs I
hold onto that are based on past memories and experiences, and limit and
contain myself within ego, believing myself to be that and only that.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge
others and to diminish others through my judgment of them without considering their
entire situation and the process they have been through to get there.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge
and diminish myself through judging others, and not bringing it back to myself,
but separating myself from others by judging them and believing my judgments to
be real instead of realizing/remembering that the only judgment is
self-judgment, and that which I judge in others is what I am refusing to look
at and acknowledge within myself.
I commit myself to live without judgment, and to instead use
judgment as an indicator of whatI judge within me, so that I may forgive it and
change it or stop it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed stress and
anxiety to exist within and as me, wherein I participated in the mind of stress
and anxiety to the point of destructiveness, towards myself and my
relationships with those around me. In this, I forgive myself that I accepted
and allowed myself to grow frustrated, angry and annoyed by others when I lack
self-direction and within and through that, I create stress and anxiety within
me over time, but blame others for it in the moments when others enter my world
when I am stressed or anxious.
I commit myself to taking full responsibility for that which I am and participate within.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to recoil
in fear instead of standing as Life when things are tense, stressful or
intense, wherein I become reactive instead of directing myself through the
experience without participating in that which gives me the excuse to react.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go
into ego around others instead of facing myself as them as equals, such as
listening with absolute openness and without reactions, thoughts or judgments,
understanding each is in their own process, and allowing myself to be okay with
that and comfortable with that without feeling responsible for others in terms
of guilt or a savior complex. I allow myself to simply listen and hear and
grasp and understand because I am Here with many many other beings, equal and
one.
These are the things I regret in my final days in this place.
I understand that regret is the result of not standing and not living fully
present and aware in every moment, and is the result of letting go, because the
egoic projections were not met, and thus the ego has lost the game of imaginary
winners.
I allow myself to take the lessons and mistakes from these
past two years, and carry them with me until I have walked them through in
their entirety, so that I may not repeat them again, but instead learn from
them what it is I need to do/change, where it is necessary for me to direct,
what I must forgive, and which actions will lead to a world that’s best for
all.
I commit myself to standing and creating a world that’s best
for all in every moment of breath, starting with the smallest things and my
immediate relationships, because that is where I am so that is where I need to
start.
I commit myself to
hearing/listening/understanding people in my world, so that I may develop relationship
of equality with them within self-honesty and presence that I may lead by
example in my words and my world.
