Day 102- Secret Self-Relationship: Disappointment- Backchat Dimension

This blog is continued from days 93- My name is Kim, 94- My Name is Kim but Who Am I Really? , 99- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really? (Layout),  Day 100- SecretSelf-Relationship, and Day 101- Secret Self-Relationship: Disappointment
Within this blog, I am looking at the backchat/self-talk I experience when someon calls myname in a disappointed tone:

Backchats/self-talk:
1) “Oh god, what’s he/she going to say”
2) “Don’t cry, brace yourself”
3) “what I did is none of his/her business”
4) “how dare he/she accuse me of any wrongdoing”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and manifested the internal emotional energetic experience of self-disappointment to the point where I have accepted and allowed an entire character to evolve from it, which speaks as a voice in the head, becoming the directive principle of who and how I am, and how I experience myself the moment it is triggered and activated by words and tonalities, specifically my secret self-disappointments which are triggered and activated at the sound of my name being spoken in a disappointed tone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the self-created self-talk as the voice in the head to say “Oh god, what’s he/she going to say,” upon hearing my voice spoken in a disappointed tone, within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea, perception and belief that something someone else says to me can actually create the experience of disappointment within and as me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it exists within me already, because I have accepted and allowed it to, in place of having stopped and changed the actions and behaviours that disappoint me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the self-created backchat wherein I think to myself, “don’t cry, brace yourself” to exist within and as me. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have suppressed my self-disappointment to the point that it builds up within me to an emotional outburst as crying, because in that moment I have to face it all at once, which is overwhelming and thus impossible to ‘make sense’ of everything that comes up in that moment, thus the release is in the form of tears of self-pity and self-victimization, instead of in the form of self-understanding and self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the parts of me that I don’t want to look at or deal with, because it is easier to ignore and pretend it is not there than it is to address and change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “what I did is none of his/her business” when I hear my name called in a disappointed tone, within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-disappointment within and as me, instead of seeing it as unacceptable and unallowable because it is self-diminishment and self-limitation which is stopping me from living Here for real, as a real human being, I havd taken the easy route of acceptance and allowance, which entails  a 'making peace' with it, as if there were no other choice, and pretending that that is 'ok', when self-disappointment is obviously NOT 'ok', as demonstrated by the negative reactions I experience within me when I hear my name in a disappointed tone. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then defend my acceptances and allowances within the excuse “it’s none of your business”, within the belief that, if everyone would just leave me alone, I would never have to face myself. However, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand that, I cannot escape facing me, as I will always be the result of what I have accepted and allowed within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think within myself as backchat “how dare he/she accuse me of any wrongdoing,” within the belief that the self-disappointment I experience upon hearing my name spoken in a disappointed tone, is the fault of the speaker, instead of realizing and understanding that I am accusing another in defense of my own self-limitation.

Self-Corrective statements to follow…

Day 101- Secret Self-Relationship: Disappointment

This blog is continued from days 93- My name isKim, 94- My Name is Kim but Who Am I Really? , 99- My Name is Kim, but Who AmI Really? (Layout), and:

 Day 100- Secret Self-Relationship- And that is the suprise, that is what is behind the reactions we experience to our names being spoken in different tonalities, it is the exposure to none but ourelves, what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves, that no one else knows but us. We can be whoever we want in secret, so what does who we are in secret say about who we Really are?

Whatsoever is a secret now will be revealed eventually- might as well expose self to self in self-forgiveness so as not to have to face much nastiness later on.

Self-corrective statements (how I will change) for the self-forgiveness within yesterday's blog: Day 100- Secret Self-Relationship:


When and as I hear my name in a disappointed tone, I stop, and I breathe. I stop the thought of someone staring me in the eyes, about to tell me something I’ve done horribl wrong, the thought of being in a waiting room, nervous, fearful and anxious, and the thought of a teacher’s face, looking at me from across the room. I bring myself back Here by reminding myself that these thoughts are not by my directive choice, but are popping up as if automatically, as I have programmed them into my memory, in order to keep me in fear and to remained enslaved to the automaticity of the mind, instead of being the directive principle of the mind.


When and as I create and manifest the experience of ‘having done something horribly wrong’ when I hear my name called in a disappointed tone, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-directive principle by letting go of the emotional energy with breath, within the understanding that anything I’ve done horribly wrong, I will take responsibility for and direct until it is corrected.

When and as I see that the disappointment I hold in relation to my self-relationship, wherein, in private moment, I had done things that were less than Who I Am- when and as that comes up when I hear my name spoken in a disappointed tone, I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that I am forgiven because I did not understand at the time what I was doing, but now that I see, realize and understand how the mind works in this way, I commit myself to, in private moments, not let myself down by being less than Who I Am, because I see, realize and understand that it will always ‘come back to haunt me’, by directing me as self-disappointment and fear of exposure in moments when I’m least expecting it.

Within this, I commit myself to push myself to walk through tasks and assignment that I’ve judged as hard, by taking them bit by bit, and asking for assistance when needed.
I commit myself to become one and equal to the tasks I do, wherein I stop judging them as ‘easy’ or ‘hard’, but instead walk through them and apply myself more or less as needed, without any additional judgment, ideas, self-definitions or beliefs.

When and as I see that I am facing a moment of challenge/opportunity where I see I can either push through or give up, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the realization and understanding that if I do not push through, I will inevitably face the same situation again later, wherein it will be harder, because not only will I have to face the challenge, but I will also have to face the fact that I had previously given up. I push myself to strengthen and grow by pushing myself through moments of wanting to give up, within the understanding that there really is no alternative.

When and as I see myself reacting to my name as if the reaction had been ‘done unto me’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-aware self-responsibility by looking at what the reaction is, and tracing it back to the point within my relationship to myself that I fear being exposed.

I commit myself to clear the relationship I have formed with myself, through self-investigation and self-forgiveness, within this:
I commit myself to re-create a relationship with myself that is self-honest and self-responsible wherein I always consider and act according to the principles of oneness and equality, and doing what’s best for all, as myself, as life.

When and as I see myself fearing self-exposure and waiting instead for ‘forced’ exposure, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by looking at the point within and as self-forgiveness; I simply forgive, understand, and script my self-change.

When and as I see myself waiting in fear and anticipation to be exposed, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that no matter what is exposed, I will forgive, direct and correct it. I remind myself that only I am capable and responsible for doing this, thus no one outside of me has the power to ‘make’ me feel a certain way. I am responsible for MY mind.

I commit myself to expose myself to myself in every moment possible, until, over time, I have cleared my self-relationship through self-forgiveness and self-change.


When and as I see myself reacting to my name being called in a certain specific tone triggering reactions within me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am reacting to myself, which is separation from myself, so I embrace the reactions as one with me, I stop them as me, and I change them to breath- as myself as breath.