Day 125- A Prisoner to Addiction

This blog is continued from yesterday’s blog.

Within this blog I am reading self-forgiveness statements and deriving self-corrective statements and self-corrective applications therefrom. It’s interesting to place the mind on paper in this way, in forgiveness, because one can then clearly see what goes on in the darkness of the mind, as it is brought out into the light where it can be clearly seen, in the physical world. In forgiveness one can look at one’s mind without reaction, without judgment, and without excuses. It’s ‘hard’ to do at times, but because it is done in forgiveness and a commitment to change, it is always beneficial. Like the parable of the prodigal son, forgiveness allows one to come back to self, forgive self, and change one’s ways to that which is best/beneficial to self/all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and con myself that ‘what I want’ and what will ‘make me happy’ is being able to fuck off and ‘do whatever’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really want is a world where all life is supported, including me, and this involves me first supporting myself in every way, to prove to myself that such support is in fact possible, and then to do it, so that I become a living expression of it, wherein I can support others as myself, unconditionally.

I commit myself to unconditional self-support, no matter how far my mind goes into self-judgment, inferiority and /or superiority etc, because I see, realize and understand that all life is ‘innocent’ because as Life, we did not know what we were doing, however, within this ignorance, there is still responsibility- a responsibility to self, and a responsibility to change and live the message of equality and oneness, which is to support others as myself, in this, to love my neighbor as myself.

When and as I see that I am wasting time doing things without awareness or direction, wherein, I am simply ‘going through the motions’ without point or purpose, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness and direction by supporting myself to become aware of Who I Am within that which I am doing, in order that I may begin to direct myself in the moment, to look in self-honesty at what it is that I’m avoiding, what self-responsibility am I not taking, and distracting myself instead with this mindless activity. I support myself to take a breath, to stop participating in the time-wasting, responsibility-avoiding activity, and to instead to push through the resistances by facing them head on, and doing exactly that which I am avoiding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand that supporting myself will involve letting go of many habits that I like, but which do not support me, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to go through the withdrawal from these habits/patterns that I have lived with and become so accustomed to and comfortable with.

I commit myself to support myself to realize that the pain I letting go of a habit is always less than the consequences of continuing the habits over a lifetime.

I commit myself to be and become the living realization that commonsense dictates that I should support myself in all ways, and support others as me in all ways possible, to together realize that what we need to be is self-responsible co-creators of this world, so that all may be supported instead of fighting each other tooth and nail to survive in a world of plenty.

When and as I see that I am participating in a pattern or habit that I like because it gives me good/positive/comforting feelings, I stop, and I breathe. I support myself to push myself to let go, to breathe through the energetic withdrawal, and to direct myself to instead do something practical in the moment, and concentrate on my breath till I am stable again- no matter how long it takes. I remind myself of what I have realized: that just because it feels good does not mean it is best for me, and sometimes the hardest things I will face will be the most supportive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become so accustomed to and comfortable with destructive habits and patterns that it seems scary and impossible to live without them.

I commit myself to breathe through the

fear that keeps me bound to comfort and security, and I commit myself to walk into the unknown of myself in forgiveness, so that I may walk as a me created in principle, not likes and dislikes, but rather the principle of being part of and equal to the whole of creation that is Here, and to not accept or allow anything less than that.

When and as I see that I have stopped myself from participating in a pattern or habit, but am being ‘tempted’ back to doing it because of the fear of ‘what comes next’? and the belief that I will never ‘feel okay again’ without it, I STOP, and I BREATHE. I support myself to realize that this is a necessary abyss to cross, and that all that it takes is simplicity, simplistically placing one foot in front of the next, doing ANYTHING but returning to the habit/pattern, until I no longer feel the desire within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I will be and become if I let go of old habits and patterns and support myself unconditionally.
I commit myself to become that which it is necessary to be in order to be an equal being Here, one with everyone else, and not an individual ‘I’ in self-interest, as I have become so accustomed to, as we all have become so accustomed to, that we do not realize there is another way.

When and as I see that I am not supporting myself due to fear of letting go of my ‘who I am’ and ‘what the habit/pattern gives me’, I stop, and I breathe. I push myself to support myself to fearlessly let it go, to throw it away and never look back, within the realization that Who I Am is created in every breath, every moment, and so in every moment I can make that decision to let go of those things that are diminishing, limiting and destructive towards me. Because I see, realize and understand that there is no choice in the matter of the fact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing old habits and patterns of living that don’t support me.

I commit myself to stop defining myself, and defining life and what Life is by habits and patterns- to see, realize and understand that habits and patterns are NOT Life, and that if I am to be Life, I make that decision in every moment- whereas habits and patterns are not decisions made in awareness, but rather automatic, automated behavior that is more robotic than living, and that is not acceptable because it diminishes me and does not serve me in any way, and why would I participate and give energy to things that o not serve me? What makes sense is to support myself, and to support others to make the change, live the commitment and walk together to create a world we would want to leave our children. THAT is service.

When and as I see that I do not want to let go of a habit or pattern that I have always accepted and allowed to play out in my life, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I will have to face all my biggest fears, so I support myself to prepare, practice and program myself to self-movement, wherein I face my fears, such as letting go of habits, as if it were as easy as taking a breath, because in reality, it is that simple.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a system of judgment of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ to exist within and as me and direct me, even though I don’t even know when/how I created it, and even though I see it has a destructive/diminishing effect within/as/in my life.
I commit myself to create and design myself in awareness by slowly walking the process out of the automation of the mind, and into the living reality of the physical, out of the highs and lows of energy, and into the stability of the physical.

When and as I see that I am being pulled and pushed by pursuing ‘likes and avoiding ‘dislikes’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the realization that that which is supportive to me is not necessarily going to be perceived by my mind as ‘feel-good’, thus I support myself to face the biggest challenge of stopping listening to the logic of the mind, of ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’, and to instead listen to the common sense of Life Here, that doing that which supports me to stand as an equal participant in/as life, will create outflows and results that are best for all, and thus best for me.

To be continued...

For the entire series click Here.

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Day 5 – What Goes Up Must Come Down

            I am on the ‘downside’ of the patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in these last 4 days.What I am experiencing right now is VERY familiar, so it’s definitely really cool that I have been writing because now I can see the ‘up’ I went through, wherein I was motivated and I felt like I had lots of energy and I could ‘do it all’. But now, today, I feel like I’m pushing a boulder up a hill just to do the basic stuff during the day. I had resistence to pretty much every little thing I had to do. It felt very draining and I’m glad to have exposed this to myself because I’d prefer not to have to go through it so blindly again. Now that it’s identified, I can finally start taking it apart and work towards stopping it altogether.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energetic highs, wherein I become all motivated and try/attempt to ‘do it all,’ thus creating a kind of ‘high’ experience for myself that creates a poitvie energectic experience because I perceive or believe it might last forever wherein I will get so much done inmy day and in life. But now I see beyond a doubt that this is a polarity, and it has and will always lead to a crash such as the one I experienced today. It is a projection into the future about where I 'will be' at some later date, without taking into consideration where I actually am, and the steps/process it will take to get me to where I want to be.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to to see and realize the extent of my participation in the energetic possession, and for not stopping myself as soon as I realize it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within these energetic polarities without fully realizing the consequences of them and thus blindly following my experiential self into a high which leads to a crash which really fucks with me.  I have had enough of this, and I understand I will have to walk through it again and again until I deconstruct it and understand it until I am able to stand through it from beginning to end, over and over. To this, I am committed, because the alternative is polarity, the up and down that fucks with me and creates the struggle such as that which I experienced today. If it's going to be a struggle, and 'hard' within reistance, I might as well be working toward a solution rather than the perpetual cycles of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crawl through my day with internal conversation that are like whining about the smallest resistances which I knew very well were self-created, yet I accepted and allowed them to fuck with me anyways.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand up and walk breath by breath within and as self-direction throughout my entire day.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting or allowing myself to realize the importance and the utmost urgency that is required within realizing what I am capable of in terms of facing me, moving me and pushing through my self-created resistances, and the time that is wasted every time I choose not to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe resistances are real and will last forever, instead of realizing they are self-created, will last only for a finite amount of time, and if pushed through- will allow me to expend and grow.

When I see that I am facing resistances throughout my day in a moment I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that th resistances are here to be pushed through, and in order to push through them, I need to have a practical ‘plan’ to walk step by step in order to not fuck myself up due to those resistances. So, when I see that I am facing a resistance, I stop, and I breathe. I clear myself and look at the task I am resisting. I identify the end-goal and my starting point to see if it is clear, and from there, I map out the steps I will have to go through in order to complete the task.

I commit myself to practically walk through the resistances I will inevitably face as I change, and to learn how to incorporate this into m daily life until it is an automated response, more automated than my mind.

I commit myself to push me, gently, but also firmly when I have to, to really see and be aware of the resistances I manifest for me, and to stick to the application that I wrote out for myself to assist and support myself to direct myself when I face this pattern again.