Day 47- Wasting Time Cause Life is Hard (Self-Corrective Statements)

Continued from the self-forgiveness statements from yesterday's blog.

When and as I see that I am doing something that is idle, not directive and ‘wasting time,’ I stop, and I breathe. I look at the situation to see and determine what it is I am avoiding or resistant towards, and I DO THAT THING. I breathe and I move myself to do whatever it is I am avoiding, to start it, complete it, or make progress on it, anything to not give into the mind, and anything to make the stand that I AM the directive principle of me.

I commit myself to walk through the patterns of avoidance and resistance that I have lived as me over time, until self-movement becomes who I am.

I commit myself to walking out of the mind and into the physical where I move me within and as breath.

When and as I see that I am participating in something within the definition that it is ‘work’, wherein I am ‘going through the motions’ in order to get it over with so that I can ‘live,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness as Life, by reminding myself that I am Life in every moment, and that Life is not the experience of being ‘done work and finally able to live,’ but rather a movement as rhythmic as breath as I give myself the breath of life each time I take a breath of the physical substance that is Here.

I commit myself to Live in every moment, whether at work or at play, wherein I commit to walking toward being and becoming a self-honest,self-directive, self-corrective being that Lives as all as one as equal Here.

I commit myself to breathe through the monotony of work within the understanding that any energetic experience is of the mind and can be breathed through, forgiven, corrected. transcended and let go, until I move me as easily as I breathe.

When and as I see that I am trying to ‘get out of work,’ or ‘avoid ‘hard’ work,’ I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness by directing myself to do exactly that which I am avoiding and getting out of, in order that I may apply myself to walk through the resistances I manifest within and as me towards those things, events, activities and or tasks that I defined over time as ‘work’ and ‘hard’ and ‘not Life’ (in order to prove to myself that the definitions I have lived thus far are of the mind, and the emotional energetic experiences and resistances I feel towards them are not real, but onlyself-created iner energetic experiences).

I commit myself to know myself and see/realize/understand when, why and how I create these energetic experiences within and as me which cause me to avoid and run from things, so that I may see them for what they are and walk through them till they no longer affect me.

I commit myself show myself that energy always ends, and to discover what is beyond that.

Day 39- Here With Breath

Here with Breath

I’ve been finding my mind chatter incessant lately- many thoughts of a future that’s brighter than my current situation.. My current situation hit a certain level of shittiness because of timing and circumstance, but it is a necessary shittiness that had to happen in order for me to take my next steps. However, within this shittiness I’ve found it difficult to remain within presence and awareness because it’s so easy to make myself feel better by simply projecting into a brighter future by fantasizing about all sorts of stuff. However, because this creates a positive energetic experience, inevitably the opposite will manifest, so at other points in time my mind is bringing me into panic and fear about what could happen, how things can go horribly wrong and all the things other people might be thinking and feeling. This tendency to participate in positive projections a(nd thus experience negative ones as a result) played out a lot throughout my life as an escape and a coping mechanism, and I’ve become pretty fed up with it. Not only does it cause lack of presence and awareness, but also lack of self-movement in the moment, lack of focus… the negative side brings stress and anxiety. Because the two are inseparable, they have both got to go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape my current situation by fantasizing into a future that’s better than this Here moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize and imagine a different life where I experience the perfect relationship in a different city  wherein I feel confident, ‘happy,’ and completely self-accepting, instead of looking at how I actually experience myself righ now because I realize that I have to move myself fom right here and right now in order to get anywhere. So if I don’t start from right here, I’ll never get anywhere and never change, and if I only fantasize about the future whilst I stagnate in the present, I will only remain exactly in this spot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future and fantasize about being on my own, completely independent, wherein, in the fantasy I don’t have any of the ‘problems’ or ‘issues’ I deal with within myself presently, but within this again I realize that nothing will ever change until I ground myself Here and walk from this moment, this current reality that I am and exist as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also lose myself within the polar opposite negative thought projections, wherein I think about being harmed in those different places, failing my exams, not getting a job, hurting people, causing people jealousy, being hurt or jealous myself, feeling like a burden, instead of stopping and realizing that, no matter what I think, it’s not going to change my reality. The only thing that will change is me actually physically doing practical things in my life and reality, and the only place and time and space within which I can do anything is right Here, but if I’m up in the mind thinking, worrying and stressing then I am taking myself away from Here, causing myself to be distracted, stressed, worried etc… thus making me less effective in my life, thus actually disempowering myself from doing what it is I plan to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to experience Hereness when my current situation is less than ideal, instead of realizing that I need to stand within any situation, as I cannot escape myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape myself and my current situation because it is nt a ‘positive’ experience.

When and as I see myself getting lost within my mind as entertainment, taking me away from Here, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back Here within the understanding that being and remaining Here takes practice and diligence, and each time a give in to the mind I am making it a little harder for myself to remain Here with/as breath. So each time I find myself participating within the negatice, neutral and positive energetic thoughts, projections and fantasies I simply stop and breath it away until the energy is gone and only I remain.

I commit myself to continuously apply myself to bring myself back Here and to remain Here until I am Here in fact.

I commit myself to see through and stop the positive, negative and neutrally charged thoughts that keep me from being Here with breath.

Day 5 – What Goes Up Must Come Down

            I am on the ‘downside’ of the patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in these last 4 days.What I am experiencing right now is VERY familiar, so it’s definitely really cool that I have been writing because now I can see the ‘up’ I went through, wherein I was motivated and I felt like I had lots of energy and I could ‘do it all’. But now, today, I feel like I’m pushing a boulder up a hill just to do the basic stuff during the day. I had resistence to pretty much every little thing I had to do. It felt very draining and I’m glad to have exposed this to myself because I’d prefer not to have to go through it so blindly again. Now that it’s identified, I can finally start taking it apart and work towards stopping it altogether.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energetic highs, wherein I become all motivated and try/attempt to ‘do it all,’ thus creating a kind of ‘high’ experience for myself that creates a poitvie energectic experience because I perceive or believe it might last forever wherein I will get so much done inmy day and in life. But now I see beyond a doubt that this is a polarity, and it has and will always lead to a crash such as the one I experienced today. It is a projection into the future about where I 'will be' at some later date, without taking into consideration where I actually am, and the steps/process it will take to get me to where I want to be.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to to see and realize the extent of my participation in the energetic possession, and for not stopping myself as soon as I realize it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within these energetic polarities without fully realizing the consequences of them and thus blindly following my experiential self into a high which leads to a crash which really fucks with me.  I have had enough of this, and I understand I will have to walk through it again and again until I deconstruct it and understand it until I am able to stand through it from beginning to end, over and over. To this, I am committed, because the alternative is polarity, the up and down that fucks with me and creates the struggle such as that which I experienced today. If it's going to be a struggle, and 'hard' within reistance, I might as well be working toward a solution rather than the perpetual cycles of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crawl through my day with internal conversation that are like whining about the smallest resistances which I knew very well were self-created, yet I accepted and allowed them to fuck with me anyways.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand up and walk breath by breath within and as self-direction throughout my entire day.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting or allowing myself to realize the importance and the utmost urgency that is required within realizing what I am capable of in terms of facing me, moving me and pushing through my self-created resistances, and the time that is wasted every time I choose not to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe resistances are real and will last forever, instead of realizing they are self-created, will last only for a finite amount of time, and if pushed through- will allow me to expend and grow.

When I see that I am facing resistances throughout my day in a moment I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that th resistances are here to be pushed through, and in order to push through them, I need to have a practical ‘plan’ to walk step by step in order to not fuck myself up due to those resistances. So, when I see that I am facing a resistance, I stop, and I breathe. I clear myself and look at the task I am resisting. I identify the end-goal and my starting point to see if it is clear, and from there, I map out the steps I will have to go through in order to complete the task.

I commit myself to practically walk through the resistances I will inevitably face as I change, and to learn how to incorporate this into m daily life until it is an automated response, more automated than my mind.

I commit myself to push me, gently, but also firmly when I have to, to really see and be aware of the resistances I manifest for me, and to stick to the application that I wrote out for myself to assist and support myself to direct myself when I face this pattern again.

Day 4- Putting Others Out - Am I Worthy?

Today I had to run all over the city collecting receipts for income tax purposes because the lady at H&RBlock told me I could get money back if I had saved them. But I found when I set out today that I had resistances to going to all the places to ask them to dig up my file and reprint my receipts. I had resistances to this because I was going to have to ask them to do me a favour. I didn’t have anything to offer them in return except a ‘thank you,’ so it’s like, kind of a self-worth thing because I didn’t feel worthy of them having to put themselves out to do me that favour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unworthy of someone else’s time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within a pattern of inferiority when I need something from another, such as a favour, because that means I cannot ‘do it on my own’ which I have equated to strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate ‘strength’ to doing everything by myself, and using that as an excuse to not have to face the fact that I go into inferiority when I have to ask for help. In other words, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing my accepted and allowed pattern of inferiority by creating the belief that it’s ‘weak’ to ask for help, and ‘strong’ to do it on one’s own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking for help due to my self-judgment that it is weak to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs to use to sabotage myself through avoidance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and integrate into myself, the belief that it is weak to ask for help or a favour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I am less-than those that are able to help me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘vulnerable’ when I have to ask for help or a favour because it places another in a position to deny me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I am denied that which I want or need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that when I am denied something, it is because I am not worthy of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the inferiority I allow myself to participate in onto people and situations wherein I am denied something I want or need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that when people choose not to help me out it’s because they don’t like me, or don’t like the sight of me or because I am not worthy.

I accept and allow myself to value myself as worthy simply because I  exist as Life, equal to all Life, as all Life has equal worth.

I accept and allow myself to be and become worthy and worthiness as the value that I am as Life.

When I see myself going into inferiority, specifically when I have to ask for help, assistance or a favour, I stop, and I breathe. I stand up as myself as self-worth within the understanding and realization that I am of equal worth to all Life, and it cannot be otherwise. And if I see myself reacting to someone wherein I project that I am ‘putting them out’ because they seem irritate or angry, I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that they too are my equal, and equal to all that is here as well.