Living in Abundance or Living in Lack?: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

I finally found a rug that Ghost can shed all over and it won't make a difference!
Today's action shot is about lack, and how I have created it throughout my life through things like 'saving money', 'living frugally' and other such budget-oriented terminology.

I have wanted a fake bear skin rug for years now. I liked the idea of stepping out of bed in the mornings and on to the softest surface, and having that be the first physical experience of the day.
But I never got one because it wasn't necessary, was not an essential element required to survive, was a complete and total luxury with no real purpose except enjoyment.

Then the other day I was in a store looking for mats for Ghost, and I happened upon these heart-shaped fur rugs for 20$, and as I ran my fingers through it I fell in love!

I have lived, over the years, in an absolute state of lack. It started in my childhood where my parents went through some tough times, and there often wasn't any extra to get the luxuries, and sometimes not even the necessities.

Being a child, I didn't understand why there wasn't enough. Both my parents worked, and there was nothing I could do to change the situation, so I just accepted it as 'that's just the way things are'.
Into my adult years I lived with this lack - the idea that there's not enough and there's not going to be enough no matter if I'm working or not - it is an endless rat race just to keep up.
ok, so this may be somewhat true - but the EXPERIENCE of lack is not necessary, and sometimes, from time to time I've done things to kind of 'jolt' myself out of that mindset. This involves living within one's budget, but from time to time, doing or buying something for pure enjoyment only.

This supports to create the experience of 'having enough', of abundance, of knowing that one's needs have and will be met, of getting what you need, instead of making a habit of sacrificing, cutting corners, and preparing for lack.
It is not necessary to do this, but it does support so long as it's done in awareness, with aligning one's starting point, doing it deliberately and not going Into the energy of consumerism which is what becomes addictive over time.
So now I have this awesome rug, which receives me every morning, which Ghost loves to sleep on, which is completely impractical in Panama lol! But which I absolutely enjoy every time I see it or step on it.
My moral here is for those that have lived like I have lived: like Spartans, where every penny is treated like it's the last one and abject poverty is seemingly just around the corner - remember that it can be overwhelmingly a mindset before it is an actual reality, a reality that may never actually manifest!
My advice would be to manage your money, but from time to time do something exactly how you want to do it, just as a reminder of what it could be like to live in a world of support where all needs are met, that abundance that is here but not yet realized, and that expression of self-care that you WILL provide for yourself in this world, because that is what you would want for others and for the world as a whole.

Day 262 - Can You Face the Sadness (part 2)

This blog is in response to: Can You Face the Sadness

Self-Forgiveness Standing as the Owner of Abusive Animal Industries

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create facilities where animals are abused in order to obtain profit and personal gain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself so much so from life, the reality of life on this earth, and other life forms, that I can blind myself to their pain and suffering, and distract, amuse, preoccupy, obsess about, enjoy, worry and stress about money, financial gain, personal wealth, security, self-interest and power as a way to continuously not see, avoid and ignore what it is I am creating for others to endure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and excuse my acceptance, allowance, enabling and direct creation and participation in the abuse of other life forms, by telling myself that I am doing it for money, for security, to provide for my family, to create jobs, to contribute to the economy, for my country, to feed people, or for any other reason, justification or excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that because it is not happening directly to me, because I cannot feel it and do not have to look at it, that the abuse I am creating, enabling, accepting and allowing is not affecting me, when in fact it is, either directly or indirectly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that this is just the way the world is, and I do not have the power to change it, so I might as well profit from it like everybody else is, instead of stopping my participation in the current accepted and allowed systems of abuse, and focusing instead on solutions that work for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think an believe that solutions that are best for all are impossible, because I refuse to look or to see beyond the current reality, and refuse to challenge myself and my way of looking and seeing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR challenging myself and my way of looking and seeing, because I know that if I do, and if I see solutions, I will then have to apparently give up or ‘lose’ my wealth, my security, my profit, the security I am creating for my family, my power, my prestige, and everything I have worked so hard for and gained through my participation in this industry, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in creating solutions that are best for all, all will benefit, and that includes myself, my family and future generations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and what I look at when it comes to survival in this world, where I think only of myself, my family and those directly in my life, wherein I will do whatever it takes no matter the cost to others, myself or future generations, using the justification, validation and excuse that it is a dog-eat-dog world that exist within and as the principle of ‘survival of the fittest’, and I will make sure that I survive at all costs, instead of seeing ,realizing and understanding how this current reality was created in the first place, and how, within and through my participation in such thoughts, beliefs, perceptions and the actions that come from them, that I am directly and indirectly continuing to create reality in this way, wherein I will be leaving a more insecure reality for my children and future generations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through not seeing the relationship between how I am creating reality and then reacting in fear to that creation, create a repeating cycle that feeds and amplifies itself, wherein our reality will become more and more insecure, as I try and attempt to more and more secure myself and my family, by being and becoming more and more ruthless, which in turn creates a more a more ruthless reality that I am leaving for my children’s children – whom I cannot protect nor secure in the dog-eat-dog world of survival that I am currently contributing to and creating every day. 

Within this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of stopping my participation in the endless cycles of fear in my mind, actually go mad, become obsessed and possessed by gaining and getting more and more security as more money and more power, in an endless fight to secure myself and my family in a battle to protect them from this world and reality which can never be won, but instead of grounding myself and seeing the common sense, I instead fear, fight, control, manipulate and abuse to appease my fear, my madness, my obsession and my possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love, desire, cherish and honour money above life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love, desire, cherish and honour my self interest above all of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love, desire, cherish and honour my life-style, my comfort zones, my wants/needs/desires and my way of life above all of Life that is Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive there is no other way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I cannot be or become a seed or an agent of change in my current life situation and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting down those around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that animals do not feel pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that an animals suffering is in any way less painful than my suffering or the suffering of my loved ones.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself torture and abuse parts of myself for the personal ‘gain’ of my desired experience.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see my connectedness and interconnectedness with all of life and everything that is here.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand my responsibility and self-responsibility in my own life and in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my responsibility to my shareholders above my self-responsibility and my responsibility to all of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place man-made laws above doing what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and perceive that the only way to change is to break laws which would compromise me and so I will not do it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that laws are man-made and thus changeable, and I can be one voice of change, one seed that grows, one point of influence to stand as an example for others for a transformation and change in man-made laws, to be and become laws that honour, cherish, respect and love all of life here within the current limitations of our shared physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed laws that do not honour cherish, respect and show demonstrable, provable love towards all life.

The Factory worker

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically abuse animals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that animals are less than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my anger out on animals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take out my anger, frustration and the abuse that has been done unto me by an abusive system on to the animals at my workplace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my power, physical force and position of power and superiority to abuse beings that are vulnerable, innocent and in an inferior and weaker position than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse beings that are vulnerable, innocent and in an inferior and weaker position than me because they are forced to take it, and so I can see the suffering play out that I am experiencing within myself, because I have become so disempowered within myself to be able to cope with the position I have been placed within, except to take it out on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bigger and more powerful when I abuse another, because I have not seen, realized or understood how small, insignificant and disempowered I actually feel within myself, and due to that lack of self-awareness, I try and attempt to make myself feel better within and through physically playing out acts in which I am apparently proving my power and superiority, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am actually, within myself, confirming the powerlessness and inferiority I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create victims in my life, because I have victimized myself within myself due to my life, the circumstances I was born into, and the systems of abuse within which I exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my self-victimization and disempowerment, continue, create and perpetuate the systems of abuse that we are all to varying degrees subject to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch abuse take place around me with a blind eye instead of taking a stand within myself or without, because I fear physical harm or losing my financial security as my paycheck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed animal abuse at my work place because I fear losing my financial support and thus the financial security of myself and my family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that just because working in an abusive facility is my only viable option to create a life for myself my family, that I am disempowered within myself and can only turn a blind eye and internalize my reactions, instead of taking a stand and finding some way, somehow to do something about it within my means, even if it is something small.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to internalize my reactions from my abusive workplace, and supress the resentment, the anger, the hatred, the guilt, the sorrow, the pain and the remorse, and carry it around with me where it then comes out in unexpected, uncontrolled moments towards myself or others in my world and environment, my husband/wife, my children, my family, my coworkers or others in my world.

The Consumer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain ignorant to the realities of the food industry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consume the flesh of life without absolute gratitude, appreciation, respect, honour and love, but instead eat it within and as anger, fear of weight gain, ignorance, distractedness and robotic detachment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if I stop eating meat I will make a difference in the lives of the animals that continue to suffer, without addressing the entire system of inequality that causes the industry to exist and be supported in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that eating meat is evil, and that I am not evil because I do not eat meat, when in fact meat can be raised and consumed in a way that honours life, and given that some require to eat meat due to body make-up/genetics/finances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that vegetarianism/veganism is the answer, when in fact an entire network of systems of abuse must be addressed, which is not addressed when we only look to the one dimension of stopping eating meat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that veganism/vegetarianism does not abuse life, when in fact the chemicals and bee-keeping styles required to produce much more than enough for all, end up abusing other lifeforms  as we over-produce food for profit and gain, and that not everyone can support a buy-local, organic diet due to the systems of inequality that exist today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am doing something to make a difference by stopping eating meat, when the corruption that exists everywhere also exist in the large organic and humane-foods industries, because it is existent in human nature, which includes my nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop eating meat, instead of looking within myself at Who I Am and how I approach issues and global problems that must be addressed holistically, which includes equal attention to my own human nature and what I create in my daily participation in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create friction, division, spite, blame, hatred and resentment by pushing and promoting my view, my opinion and my way of solving the problem, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding the characteristics of human nature that I am playing out in my life that actually contributes to the perpetuation of this system that creates suffering in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and judge factory farmed meat as disgusting, when in fact it is not about the animal or the meat, but what the human has done to the animal and meat, wherein the meat is the direct product of that human intervention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy the cheaper, factory farmed meat when I can in fact afford to support local, humanely raised meat, not to clear my conscience, but to, in awareness, support one part of the solution with eyes wide open to the entire issue, which is existence-wide in terms of our collective human nature of abuse, acceptance and allowance, and seeing my self-responsibility in my own life to explore my own human nature to see where and how I am contributing in my life, my reality, my private moments to myself, within myself, and my interaction with others in my world, to the systems we as humanity have collectively created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to save money out of fear of lack and survival, and in so doing, turning a blind eye to the products I buy, where they come from and why.

For All:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed animal abuse to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn a blind eye to animal abuse all the industries of animal consumption and utilization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am somehow not responsible for the existence of animal abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow abuse due to my own fear of survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim I am too ignorant, too small, too insignificant, too powerless to be able to take responsibility for my contribution to the existence of animal abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self-interest, desire for money, fear of survival and fear of loss above the principle of honouring all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that animals are less important, less significant, inferior, less aware or less alive, when in fact my existence depends upon the existence of animals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am more manly, more tough, superior, more macho, stronger, more powerful and better-than if I consume lots of meat, turning meat or food consumption into ego instead of simply nourishing my body, giving my physical flesh and organs what they need, and doing so in humility and gratitude and consideration of what was sacrificed so that I can live another day.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that so long as there are poor people, people in need of money as jobs to survive and a heavy profit-motive – that there will be cheap meat in the form of mass-produced factory farms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that humanity must first support all humans before/as we stop many of the industries we currently require to survive due to a system of survival where life is not free, but paid for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear supporting others in case others abuse this system of support, without seeing, realizing and understanding that until we sort out our human nature, all systems will be abused, but is it worth denying All? Denying those that would make the best of the support, just to apparently ‘punish’ the abusers, when in fact in doing so we are punishing everyone, even the wealthy that also live in fear of ever ending up like those whose backs and corpses we walk upon.

Day 43 - Overwhelmed by a Stimulating Environment

The experience I’d like to write about today is one of being overwhelmed when I’m in a very stimulating environment. It developed over time within my experience as a waitress at several very fast paced restaurants. Eventually, at one job- due to my acceptance and allowance of my continued participation within and as the experiences of stress, anxiety, overwhelming-ness and panic instead of grounding myself within myself and within the physical, I eventually felt like I couldn’t keep up or work fast enough to keep up with the pace of the place, and I took things really personally when customers would become upset. At one point I started to notice that within all the noise and movement around me, and with my attention being called in a million directions and my mind focusing on what seemed like a million things I had to do with not enough time to ever do them all- I just kind of snapped. I broke out in hives or rash-like redness all over my face and I quit.

I remember the feeling of all of a sudden everything was in slow motion, probably like a panic attack- yes, like a mini panic attack, and ever since then I’ve been more susceptible to such an experience within a stimulating environment. I understand the experience more now, I can tell when it’s going to happen and I now know what to do within the experience, such as take time for myself alone in a quiet place and just breathe through it, remaining present in physical reality because my mind is just buzzing in a million directions- the smae experience I had a waitress.

Now, when I work in a stressful environment, it’s like I can’t handle is as well as I used to. Or, for example today- it was not work or a job that I used to manifest and create this experience within me, but rather a lot of people in my world came together, with children and adults, and the children calling my attention, and adults talking to me as well

I really truly enjoy talking with adults, and playing with and spending time with the kids is one of my favourite things to do ever, but when there are so many and it’s loud and chaotic- it just gets to me now. So- I’m not satisfied with this situation and I’m deciding here to walk through this experience until it is out of my life- beginning here with self-forgiveness statements to let it go and to practically script myself into and as stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become over-stimulated and overwhelmed within and as myself when I am in a loud, chaotic and stimulating environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need to attend to everyone and do everything and if I don’t then I will be perceived as weak and out of control which is what I actually experience within myself when I am feeling panicked within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become panicky/panicked/short of breath/unfocused when I am in a loud and chaotic environment because I feel responsiblt to/for everyone and everything- which I obviously am not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a panicky experience/panic/shortness of breath and an unfocused experience to exist within and as me, because I feel like I need to be something for everyone, instead of just being myself, grounded within myself and directing myself within and as self-honesty in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I react differently to stimulating situations than I used to, due to past experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of being a waitress in a fast-paced environment where I became stressed all the time and began to participate within and as panic attacks, instead of letting the memory go and walking within and as self-trust that I develop as I walk with me in self-honesty Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into and participate within panic until it overwhelms me to a state of possession, instead of breathing and concentrating on remaining within presence and awareness in the physical, and doing what I can in each moment without expecting myself to constantly be doing more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to constantly be doing more with my time, within the belief that at some point, I will get it all done, instead of realizing that life isand requires constant and consistent application of self in every breath, and that anything other than constant and consistent application of self is not life, but rather an automated program that I have accepted and allowed to develop within and as me as my mind of autopilot/default mode/lack of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I am responsible for everyone when I am surrounded by people, because of the memories of working in restaurants, where I experienced myself as responsible and accountable to all my tables and customers and the quality of experience, which was somewhat arbitrarily judged by them, and had nothing to do with who I am or how hard I worked. Instead I realize that I am and can only ever be responsible for myself and my own internal experience and experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need to tend to everyone who calls my attention as soon as they call my attention and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience stress, anxiety and overwhelming=-ness within me if I cannot tend to each person the moment they call my attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience stress, anxiety and overwhelming-ness within and as myself when and during social occasions where many people are present because I have the desire to help out, be useful and to prove that I am helpful, willing to help and contribute because I feel guilt about not helping out as much as I should have when I was younger. Also, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to help out because I judge others when they do not chip in, therefor I judge myself and I try/attempt to counteract that self-judgment within and through helping out, but it does not diminish my internal experience of ‘not helping out enough’ because it is coming from a starting point of self-judgment and guilt, which are experiences that can only be stopped with self-forgiveness and stopping my participation within and as them by not feeding them with energy and with my attention.

When and as I see that I’m helping out from a starting point of self-judgment thus creating stress, anxiety and overwhelming-ness within and as me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness by changing my starting point to that of pulling my own weight, chipping in, and giving as I would like to receive. When and as I am moving myself to help out, I make sure my starting point is that of pulling my own weight, chipping in and giving as I would like to receive by surveying what I can practically do in order to help out, without overly asserting myself to help out, but instead doing small things that I am able to do, and that I would want someone to do for me- for example doing the dishes- tidying and clearing the table.

When and as I feel my attention being pulled in a million directions I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into presence by choosing and deciding upon one person/point to focus my attention, and I focus my attention on that one thing, while stopping and taking a moment to direct the situation around me if need be, in order to create for myself a situation where I can focus my attention on that which I have chosen.

I commit myself to walking through chaotic and seemingly overwhelming situations within stability and a sense of self, centered and grounded within myself as my self-directive principle.

I commit myself to continue applying myself within developing the necessary skills to effectively direct myself and my world to a self and a world that assists and support me, so that I may assist and support others and the world as people in my world as equal and one.