I can pinpoint the day when I
realized I had a profound inability to make decisions for myself: September
10th, 2012. Here's the quote I just read that I had written 5 years ago:
"I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to have created and manifested myself as an
approval-seeking character throughout my life as a way of ‘getting out of’
making my own decisions, and not having to take responsibility for the
decisions I end up making, wherein, they are not my decisions, but rather the
decisions of the majority of people whom I’ve perceived as having approved and
validated the decision."
This was a part of my personality
that, when lived throughout my life, created a life that didn't even feel like
my own. I felt like most of what I had lived up until that moment was
controlled by outside forces that I was pretty much helpless to influence. The
only choices I really felt I had was the flavour of avoidance, the style of
lying low, and the method of escape.
It's amazing how the simple act of
direct looking at yourself can plant the most potent seeds of self-change.
Since that day five years ago, I embarked on a mission to take back my life,
and oooooh what a hole did I have to dig myself out of! In my next post I will
reveal how I turned myself from 'hole' to 'whole', through the sometimes
terrifying process of facing the very present consequences caused by the sins
of the past, where the present consequences are the gifts to a better future.
