"The
image is of Ananda, the cousin and disciple of Gautam Buddha. He was at
Buddha's side constantly, attending to his every need for forty-two years. When
Buddha died, the story is told that Ananda was still at his side, weeping. The
other disciples chastised him for his misunderstanding: Buddha had died
absolutely fulfilled; he should be rejoicing. But Ananda said, "You
misunderstand. I'm weeping not for him but for myself, because for all these
years I have been constantly at his side but I have still not attained."
Ananda stayed awake for the whole night, meditating deeply and feeling his pain
and sorrow. By the morning, it is said, he was enlightened. Times of great
sorrow have the potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for
transformation to happen we must go deep, to the very roots of our pain, and
experience it as it is, without blame or self-pity."
The
intention I was holding within myself today was about a point of resistance I
am experiencing in relation to asking someone to do something with me, for me, that
I know they do not necessarily want to do, but I need them to do it so that I
can advance on a project. It has always been a weakness of mine, where I will
take it to the point of, ‘if you don’t want to do it then forget about it, I’ll
find someone else’. But the reality is that, sometimes there isn’t someone else,
and sometimes we have to face to music of ‘putting someone out’ because we need
support.
Looking
a little deeper behind the point, I see that it actually involves not wanting
to annoy or displease people, always wanting to remain on people’s good side,
not wanting to upset the relationship. If the relationship were to become upset
I would in fact feel pain and sorrow, as the card states, but not for the right
reasons. ‘People pleasing’ is like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It seems nice
and pleasant, but at the same time, it diminishes self and the other, because
in a way, it is manipulative and controlling instead of being self-honest in a
relationship.
The
point of people pleasing is to get people to like you, and not dislike you. There
is a fear that if they dislike you, it is s if a part of you becomes invalidated,
as if part of you is lost or has been taken away. If you are liked, then life
is good, everything must be in order, you check out according to others.
But
the thing is, when I reflect back on my life, how many times have I not spoken,
have I seen something and did not point it out, or have I suppressed my
expression for fear of it upsetting someone else outside myself. The fear of
conflict and the desire to please. This dependency upon the pleasing and approval
of others is like Ananda’s dependency on the Buddha, where there is the belief
that, without this other person, I cannot be this or that. That without
pleasing people I cannot be liked and accepted, if I upset people I may be ostracized
and rejected, people will talk in hushed whispers behind my back and not give
me a chance to speak and explain myself. Without me explaining myself, gossip
and rumors will take over until others think I am something completely
different to what I am.
Another
reality check is that I cannot control what others think of me. I have power
over who I am and making sure that I am consistent in my thoughts, actions
words and deeds by aligning them within principles – doing what’s best for all,
which includes myself, placing myself in the shoes of others, listening,
HEARING different perspectives – and trust that, within this consistency, Who I
Am will come though, and I can stand within that and not be moved by any gossip
or backchat.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing others
when I need something from them.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing others
because I fear they will say no and then I will be powerless to move forward in
my endeavour.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless in
situations where I must cooperate, preferring instead to work alone, instead of
learning the tools, techniques and skills of working within a group, speaking
up, compromising, organising and arranging, knowing that things might not go
exactly how I had planned, but that they will still move.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dynamic of
dependency and approval, where I think/believe/perceive that I cannot advance
if I do not have all the control, thus going into helplessness and powerlessness
when I need to work something out with someone else.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret even the
smallest signs of resistance from another to help me out when I need it as signs
of insurmountable defeat.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to
control a thing instead of strengthening my skills or working well with others.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive
I can only get something done if I am controlling it, not seeing/realizing and
understanding that the starting point of this control is the belief that I
cannot confront and overcome my fear of displeasing another/conflict/putting
another out for me. A triple whammy of fears.
When
and as I see that I am not moving on a project due to fear of
conflict/displeasing/putting others out, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself
that I am:
1-
Creating consequences
in my life such as stress and anxiety because my project is not moving.
2-
Accepting and
allowing the fear within me to supersede what is best for all as me, because it
is halting a project and halting my self-development as well as diminishing
myself through unnecessary consequences and reactions.
3-
Diminishing
myself due to fears that are self-created.
4-
Diminishing
the self-trust I have worked hard to develop by accepting/allowing fear to
stand more steadfast than Who I Am.
I
bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that Who I Am will always
be stronger and stand more steadfast than any thought/feeling/emotion from myself
or anybody else, because Who I Am is something , and can be something real, that
stands the test of time so long as I am consistent in my application.
Interesting
how the self forgiveness statement revealed an even deeper level of control
from a starting point of fear – the fear that I cannot stand in the face of
conflict, displeasing and putting others out. Right in the middle of writing
this blog I became so fed-up with this fear that I literally walked out and
went to the person who’s assistance I needed. I went in to it knowing it could
go either way, so I was ready for any answer, and in the end, got what I needed,
and actually had quite an enjoyable time with the person. It just goes to show
how rarely reality matches up with our expectations!
So, like in the card, I must sometimes face some hard truths of myself, walking the consequences of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, and from within the darkest moments and low points, to see the opportunity for growth and transformation. I will red flag this: when experiencing a low, ask myself, what is the transformation required here?
And always remember, this too shall pass, so we'd better make the most of every moment, so that we can carry new gifts into the next moment in order to build and strengthen ourselves in the present, releasing the burdens of the past.
