Selling my Soul for Money

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sell myself out to for money.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become different characters and to portray myself as something in order to make money and secure a job. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and develop my self-expression, but rather spent my time and effort on developing myself as a character to make money.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that no one would hire me or pay me in a job if I remain Who I Am. 

I forgive myself for not accepting myself as Who I Am.  

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to Trust myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contort myself into whatever the boss or company wanted me to be in order to secure my job above others, wherein I lose myself into that contorted version of me, instead of stepping into a character in awareness only when necessary, wherein I can then step out of it as soon as I no longer need to be in the position and role of making money at a job.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire a sense of control over my ability to make money, and to use manipulation by selling myself as Life in order to invest into myself as a character to make money. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into morality about going into characters in order to make money, wherein I think and believe that I have to actually be and become that character within the belief that it is then ‘real’, and so I can tell myself I am not actually manipulating for money.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jaded for money. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others that remained Who They Are as ‘weak’ for not being able to go into a character for money, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak as Who I Am, and to judge myself as ‘strong’ when I am playing a role or character. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my fellow man while pursuing my own survival and self-interest.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted ad allowed myself to fake confidence for money, instead of developing REAL self-confidence which is built slowly over time through doing REAL things.  

Purchasing Self-Expression: The Perfect Perpetual Industry

I had an experience in my life where I moved from a corporate office environment in Canada, to a farm in South Africa, and then to a mountain town in Panama where I work from home. With these changes came some serious wardrobe changes, where my clothes from one environment were pretty much useless in the next one.

The interesting thing I noted was how the clothing and accessory changes changed my experience of myself. Where, in the office I would be quite fancy, with jewelry that matched my outfit, hair done, sometimes even with the nails and definitely makeup. I felt quite glamorous and professional, and a fresh new outfit would have me walking into the office full of confidence.

On the farm and in Panama, my clothing became purely practical. I noticed I felt I was now lacking certain experiences. I felt less confident, slower and less vibrant. I had to learn how to live these expressions now in Who I Was, because I could no longer simply purchase them from a store.  

With the glamour point which links in to the consumerism point, for me what I see is where an entire industry has been built around people seeking to fulfill desires – desires which have arisen from us not accepting and allowing ourselves to live certain expressions, and so separating ourselves from those expressions, leaving us feeling ‘unfulfilled’.

We then seek to fulfill ourselves through the experience a product or lifestyle (or any external experience) will apparently give us, which will obviously never be enough as we are not living it for ourselves. So we keep bouncing back and forth from one polarity to the other – from fulfilled (only temporarily as an experience) to unfulfilled (the reality of Self through separating Self from living self-expression) – thus creating the perfect industry: the more money you have, the more you can spend on attempting fulfillment. The more glamour in this case, the more the person is showing how unfulfilled they actually are, and so have to keep paying to keep the feeding the experience.

The cool part is that you can look at what desire the product represents that we are seeking to fulfill, and then see how that can be lived as a living expression of Self instead, thus creating actual self-fulfillment – where glamour can then become an act self-expression (which means if it were lost or taken away, we would not change).

The not so cool part is that until we fulfill ourselves as living expressions, we will be consumers of experience, consuming Life as the resources of the earth in self-interest as we seek to fulfill our desires that we ourselves created in the first place through separation.

How Do You Know If You Have Changed?

How do you know if you have changed? Have you ever asked yourself this? Have you taken a moment to look?

If you are someone that is pushing to change, how often have you taken a moment to ask: have I changed today? Have I pushed myself to expand, grow and evolve? Or have I let yet another day slip by in unawareness, with no self-evolution, no self-expansion, and no personal growth? For me, it has been a long while since I looked at this question.

But it came up as I was listening to ‘Stomach Flu: Consequence and Support’ (https://eqafe.com/p/stomach-flu-consequence-and-support-the-future-of-awareness-part-97), which asked this very question, and so I took a moment to reflect. To my pleasant surprise, I could think of three moments in the past three days, including today, where I experienced a definitive change in myself and how I handled a situation within myself in a moment.

When I say “experienced a change”, it may sound like the change happened to me, and I was more like a passenger going along for the ride. This is not the case. What happened in each one of these moments is that I saw myself acting/reacting in a way that I did not like, that I saw was not best for me, that I saw was simply ‘the way I have always been’, and in that moment made a definitive decision to change.

In this quantum moment of looking I could see the consequence, the play out and the end result of who and how I would be creating myself if I were to go along with ‘the way I have always been’. And in that moment, I scripted out a change and lived it, creating a real time living moment where my ‘Who I Am’ was something completely new, being created in that moment, instead of repeating a past personality character as ‘the way I have always been’. In this way, creating a ‘new script’ for myself as the ideal version of me I would like to be and become.

The following will illustrate what I mean by ‘creating a new script’, where I, in awareness, step in and make a definitive decision to change in one moment, and where, in the moments that follow, I get to decide moment by moment who I am, I get to see parts of myself that are new to me, or express parts of myself that I always knew were there, but never had the courage to bring forth and live for real.

Moment of change #1: From awkward and suppressed to expressive and free

I was in the car with a bunch of people, and I started to feel anxious energy moving in. It started because I had felt rushed to get ready and feared the car had left without me, because all the people had left the house and met at the car and I wasn’t sure if they knew I was still coming with or not. In the car, I noticed that the people were being expressive, boisterous and jovial, while I was feeling slightly stressed and anxious due to feeling rushed and worried, and so I felt rigid, stiff and supressed.

I started thinking that I was like the party-pooper, the quiet one that would just sit there and not participate in the fun – a pattern I have lived out so many times. I felt that I would put a damper on the fun, and saw myself withdrawing within myself hoping nobody would notice me, kind of just wanting to disappear and wondering if I should have even come.

The seeing: I saw that if I continued like this, it would affect my entire day. I would start feeling alien and awkward around the other people, and want to dodge any attention or focus on myself.

The decision: I decided that I did not want to live out this pattern, and that I in fact had a choice. I decided that I would instead enjoy this day, look forward to it. I took the anxious energy and instead connected it to the events of the day that I was looking forward to, to the enjoyment I knew I could experience within interacting with these people, and to feeling comfortable and confident in my body and my ability to express myself equally. In this moment I transformed the ‘anxious energy’ into ‘excitement energy’. This all happened in less than a second, and in that moment where I saw how easily I could take myself back from this experience and change the energy, I dropped the energy all together and simply let myself be, the energy no longer had power over me and who I am, and Who I really am could step forward.

The new script: I immediately felt a shift in myself, like a weight had been lifted. In that moment, someone asked a question: “shall we stop for some snacks?” and instead of mumbling ‘no’ and that I was fine and needed nothing (because I wouldn’t want to put anybody out for my unworthy needs), I responded that YES! Of course we should do that! What a treat! Here are all the things I would like to pick up that I will enjoy today (insert all sorts of treats and yummy things here), and where would be the best place to stop?

And then I actually enjoyed picking things out in the store, seeing what the others purchased, sharing, munching and going about the day. The day was amazing, full of laughing, joking, talking, exploring and fun. I felt comfortable, at ease, and I enjoyed myself very, very much.


Moment of Change #2: From insecure and defensive to amused and open

I was walking in the field with two people, and we were chatting. Someone brought it to my attention that I was walking very fast, and a discussion ensued about my propensity to be rushed and do things in unawareness. This is a weakness of mine that I am currently working on, and that is still a point that I contend with daily. One of the people described this point out loud, plain, simple and direct, mentioning about how it is still very present in my life and living. I felt insecure with my weakness being exposed, and I felt defensive energy coming up where I wanted to deny or fight this statement.

The seeing: I saw that if I were to deny or fight the point, I would basically be arguing for my own limitation, because the reality is that I do want to correct this point, so why hide it or defend it? I saw that I would simply be lying to myself and causing the point to linger even longer because in ‘defending myself’ in this moment, I saw that what I would actually be doing would be defending the pattern. Not only that, but I would be creating friction with the people around me, placing walls between us and thus preventing any possible support to be given to me.


The decision: I decided that there is no need to hide or defend my weakness, and that I could stand even though I am not perfect, because I want to change and therefore I need to see myself for real. I decided that I would instead look at the statement objectively and embrace the fact that I have this idiosyncrasy that is actually quite funny. In that moment, again, I felt a shift, a weight dropped away and I felt light, loose and relaxed.

The new script: I burst out laughing at myself and the ridiculousness of this point of absentmindedness that I have been living out and admitted that I am having quite a difficult time with supporting myself to change this point. I mentioned some support that I had been given that I thought was practical, and the others then added to that support and helped me to clarify how I was looking at the point. The topic then changed and I was able to let go of the moment (remembering the tips and tricks they gave me) and move on to the next moment and topic of discussion seamlessly and naturally with no lingering feelings of insecurity or defensiveness like I would have done in the past.

Moment of Change #3: from weak and inferior to strong like a mountain

I was sitting in an EQAFE interview and the being was describing what happens within us when we create and participate within the ‘fear of authority’- how a lack of confidence and the emergence of insecurity and inferiority can overcome us in moments when we face someone the resonates authority and superiority. This happens because of how we view and judge our own character, highlighting our own weaknesses, living ‘weakness of character’ as ourselves as Who We Are.

As I was listening to the interview, I began to place myself, in my mind, in the position of confronting an authority and feeling weak, insecure and inferior. The energy began to manifest in me, reminding me of a time where I felt as stable as a mountain, but with weaknesses where, if I were to be hit in a weak spot, my entire mountain would crumble. Kind of like a chain only being as strong as it’s weakest link. I did not like this about myself and, at the time, I felt like there was no way to change it. In the interview, I began to feel physically uncomfortable, not wanting to listen or hear anymore, just wanting to get up and walk out.

The seeing: In this moment, where the insecure, weak and inferior energy started crawling in with my thoughts and remembrances, I realized I hadn’t checked in on this point in a while. I saw that I had the tendency to pick out all my weaknesses and totally disregard any strength. In doing this, I saw how I created a self-perception of a ‘weak character’ that can be knocked over easily, inferior and insecure when confronted. I saw how, when I participate in this way of thinking, I actually actively create it as myself in the present moment, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The decision: I decided to instead look at everything beneficial and self-strengthening I had done and am doing for and as myself since my last check in on this point. All of a sudden, I began to see so many things, so many decisions I had made that I had seen through to completion, so many times I placed myself in situations where I had to face an authority figure, and had stood up and voiced myself, so many moments of self-support that I had lived. It was like all these moments and remembrances began to come to me and collect inside of me like giant, solid pieces of myself that I was seeing for the first time, filling all the holes and gaps in the mountain I had seen myself as, strengthening it to the point where there were no longer any weak spots that could be targeted. In this moment, a confidence and stability began to easily replace the insecurity, weakness and inferiority I had been feeling moments before.

The new script: My experience of myself changed from uncomfortable and wanting to leave the room, to comfortable, confident and understanding. I was taken aback at how I had overlooked so many aspects of myself, not appreciated the things I had done for and as myself over the past years, and instead had only focused on my challenges and weaknesses. I was able to now focus on the information being shared as support for how to handle people that resonate authority and superiority.
 How they in fact are also stuck in these points and almost require to dominate over others in order to feel secure within themselves, which is a shame and can sometimes only be endured and tolerated by others until the individual walks the point back to an equality, within themselves and with others.





I have personally lived both ends of this polarity, but am now equipped with the understanding to simply see right through it as I practice my living stability as an equal member of the group called life.

In the end, as I was writing this I began to remember more moments of change, expansion and growth which came flooding into my mind from these past months and years. But the truth and reality is that it still isn’t nearly enough. I see that I could be so much more directive within it, making it a point and directed effort to continue to push daily moments of change. It takes no extra effort, in fact, it is more effortful to hold up and maintain past patterns and limitations – that takes energy, exertion, arguing, reacting, cycling. Rather live unbound, in the moment, courageously walking into the unknown with moment by moment change.

My road to change began here: www.desteni.org. Where will you begin yours?

Osho Card Reading: SORROW - day 18 of 21

"The image is of Ananda, the cousin and disciple of Gautam Buddha. He was at Buddha's side constantly, attending to his every need for forty-two years. When Buddha died, the story is told that Ananda was still at his side, weeping. The other disciples chastised him for his misunderstanding: Buddha had died absolutely fulfilled; he should be rejoicing. But Ananda said, "You misunderstand. I'm weeping not for him but for myself, because for all these years I have been constantly at his side but I have still not attained." Ananda stayed awake for the whole night, meditating deeply and feeling his pain and sorrow. By the morning, it is said, he was enlightened. Times of great sorrow have the potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for transformation to happen we must go deep, to the very roots of our pain, and experience it as it is, without blame or self-pity."

The intention I was holding within myself today was about a point of resistance I am experiencing in relation to asking someone to do something with me, for me, that I know they do not necessarily want to do, but I need them to do it so that I can advance on a project. It has always been a weakness of mine, where I will take it to the point of, ‘if you don’t want to do it then forget about it, I’ll find someone else’. But the reality is that, sometimes there isn’t someone else, and sometimes we have to face to music of ‘putting someone out’ because we need support.

Looking a little deeper behind the point, I see that it actually involves not wanting to annoy or displease people, always wanting to remain on people’s good side, not wanting to upset the relationship. If the relationship were to become upset I would in fact feel pain and sorrow, as the card states, but not for the right reasons. ‘People pleasing’ is like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It seems nice and pleasant, but at the same time, it diminishes self and the other, because in a way, it is manipulative and controlling instead of being self-honest in a relationship.

The point of people pleasing is to get people to like you, and not dislike you. There is a fear that if they dislike you, it is s if a part of you becomes invalidated, as if part of you is lost or has been taken away. If you are liked, then life is good, everything must be in order, you check out according to others.

But the thing is, when I reflect back on my life, how many times have I not spoken, have I seen something and did not point it out, or have I suppressed my expression for fear of it upsetting someone else outside myself. The fear of conflict and the desire to please. This dependency upon the pleasing and approval of others is like Ananda’s dependency on the Buddha, where there is the belief that, without this other person, I cannot be this or that. That without pleasing people I cannot be liked and accepted, if I upset people I may be ostracized and rejected, people will talk in hushed whispers behind my back and not give me a chance to speak and explain myself. Without me explaining myself, gossip and rumors will take over until others think I am something completely different to what I am.

Another reality check is that I cannot control what others think of me. I have power over who I am and making sure that I am consistent in my thoughts, actions words and deeds by aligning them within principles – doing what’s best for all, which includes myself, placing myself in the shoes of others, listening, HEARING different perspectives – and trust that, within this consistency, Who I Am will come though, and I can stand within that and not be moved by any gossip or backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing others when I need something from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing others because I fear they will say no and then I will be powerless to move forward in my endeavour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless in situations where I must cooperate, preferring instead to work alone, instead of learning the tools, techniques and skills of working within a group, speaking up, compromising, organising and arranging, knowing that things might not go exactly how I had planned, but that they will still move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dynamic of dependency and approval, where I think/believe/perceive that I cannot advance if I do not have all the control, thus going into helplessness and powerlessness when I need to work something out with someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret even the smallest signs of resistance from another to help me out when I need it as signs of insurmountable defeat. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to control a thing instead of strengthening my skills or working well with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive I can only get something done if I am controlling it, not seeing/realizing and understanding that the starting point of this control is the belief that I cannot confront and overcome my fear of displeasing another/conflict/putting another out for me. A triple whammy of fears.

When and as I see that I am not moving on a project due to fear of conflict/displeasing/putting others out, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that I am:

1-     Creating consequences in my life such as stress and anxiety because my project is not moving.

2-     Accepting and allowing the fear within me to supersede what is best for all as me, because it is halting a project and halting my self-development as well as diminishing myself through unnecessary consequences and reactions.

3-     Diminishing myself due to fears that are self-created.

4-     Diminishing the self-trust I have worked hard to develop by accepting/allowing fear to stand more steadfast than Who I Am.

I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that Who I Am will always be stronger and stand more steadfast than any thought/feeling/emotion from myself or anybody else, because Who I Am is  something , and can be something real, that stands the test of time so long as I am consistent in my application.

Interesting how the self forgiveness statement revealed an even deeper level of control from a starting point of fear – the fear that I cannot stand in the face of conflict, displeasing and putting others out. Right in the middle of writing this blog I became so fed-up with this fear that I literally walked out and went to the person who’s assistance I needed. I went in to it knowing it could go either way, so I was ready for any answer, and in the end, got what I needed, and actually had quite an enjoyable time with the person. It just goes to show how rarely reality matches up with our expectations!

So, like in the card, I must sometimes face some hard truths of myself, walking the consequences of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, and from within the darkest moments and low points, to see the opportunity for growth and transformation. I will red flag this: when experiencing a low, ask myself, what is the transformation required here?

And always remember, this too shall pass, so we'd better make the most of every moment, so that we can carry new gifts into the next moment in order to build and strengthen ourselves in the present, releasing the burdens of the past.