Selling my Soul for Money

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sell myself out to for money.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become different characters and to portray myself as something in order to make money and secure a job. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and develop my self-expression, but rather spent my time and effort on developing myself as a character to make money.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that no one would hire me or pay me in a job if I remain Who I Am. 

I forgive myself for not accepting myself as Who I Am.  

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to Trust myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contort myself into whatever the boss or company wanted me to be in order to secure my job above others, wherein I lose myself into that contorted version of me, instead of stepping into a character in awareness only when necessary, wherein I can then step out of it as soon as I no longer need to be in the position and role of making money at a job.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire a sense of control over my ability to make money, and to use manipulation by selling myself as Life in order to invest into myself as a character to make money. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into morality about going into characters in order to make money, wherein I think and believe that I have to actually be and become that character within the belief that it is then ‘real’, and so I can tell myself I am not actually manipulating for money.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jaded for money. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others that remained Who They Are as ‘weak’ for not being able to go into a character for money, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak as Who I Am, and to judge myself as ‘strong’ when I am playing a role or character. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my fellow man while pursuing my own survival and self-interest.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted ad allowed myself to fake confidence for money, instead of developing REAL self-confidence which is built slowly over time through doing REAL things.  

Day 94- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I REALLY?

This blog consists of three examples of memories and reactions and the contexts of my name being spoken in different tonalities. For the context of this blog, check out yesterday’s blog where I explain in greater detail how,





“the name I was given actually has an effect on Who I Am. So what does that mean? It means that Who I Am I terms of how I feel, what I do, how I act, how I react to people, how I interact- everything that makes me, everything that I thought I was the ‘boss’ of and ‘decision maker’ of, can actually be running itself based on the reactions I experience to things as seemingly simple and harmless as words, such as my name. These reactions bring up memories and thoughts,feelingsand emotionswhich are not necessarily of my choosing, it is almost as if it is automatic, as if it were a program. And if you think about it- it really is alike a program”

Here are the examples, and in my next blog, I will walk the process of deconstruction, which leads to an interesting surprise which anyone can apply in their lives:





1) “Kim”- spoken with authority and certainty, in a ‘calling my attention’ ‘come here’ type way, like in a doctor’s office or the ‘your next to see the principal’ or ‘come to the teacher’s desk’ –type scenario.
The memory I have associated with this is in second grade. The teacher called me to her desk to review the math homework I had done. I walked up to her desk not really knowing what to expect-or expecting anything really. When I got there, all I remember is that eventually started getting really mad. She asked me what was wrong with me, why didn’t I ‘get it’, she said that she wasn’t a bad teacher so it was not her it was me. I was already really shy and had kids picking on me which I dealt with by closing up and trying to disappear, so when I realized at one point that I was going to start crying, and that the entire class was looking, I felt horrified and humiliated. It was a moment where I felt vulnerable and like I was being exposed to people who either did not care or would take pleasure in it. So when I hear my name called in this tone, I feel fear and disempowered, like, no matter how much I’ve built myself up, it can be knocked over in one moment by the person calling me over.

2) “Kim-eeeee!” Spoken excitedly. Most of my long-time friends and family call/called my Kimmy, so it has been used quite prominently as a ‘main’ name for me.
The earliest memory I have of my name spoken in this tone is when I was about 4 or 5, by my friend, upon first seeing me, when we would be about to play together. We would have so much fun as we played together, and the excitement in the tone made me feel like he really enjoyed spending time together and enjoyed me. Sometimes it would surprise me how much that ‘came out’ in the tone, like, I would not expect someone to be that happy or excited to see me, so I must be someone/something quite special. And that confirmed to me that yes, I in fact felt the same way about him, and then everything we did together was fun and exciting. So when I hear my name being spoken in this tone I get this sensation all through my body of warmth and happiness and excitement and kind feelings towards the person saying it- like something really nice and fun is about to happen.





3) “Kiii-iiim” Spoken in an accusatory/annoyed tone. My reaction to this tone is one of hurt, guilt and anger, wherein I feel I have done something wrong, usually due to not being careful enough, and unsually unintentionally.The memory I have associated to this tone is that of a friend saying my name this way when I accidentally hung up the phone by sitting on it while she was talking. She was having a fight with her boyfriend and she was annoyed or mad because now he would think she hung up on him and that would complicate the argument they were having. I felt hurt because I was the receiver of anger when I felt I would not do such a thing on purpose- it was an accident. I felt guilt because, even though it was an accident, I in fact had done the ‘wrong’ thing, by hanging up the phone because I was not careful where I was sitting, and I felt angry because I was being accused of something, and I believed that one should only be accused of something if one had done something intentionally wrong. So that is generally the character I go into when I hear my name spoken in this way.



More to continue in my next blog....

 

Hi, My Name is Kim

It has recently been brought to my attention that the name I was given actually has an effect on Who I Am. So what does that mean? It means that Who I Am I terms of how I feel, what I do, how I act, how I react to people, how I interact- everything that makes me, everything that I thought I was the ‘boss’ of and ‘decision maker’ of, can actually be running itself based on the reactions I experience to things as seemingly simple and harmless as words, such as my name. These reactions bring up memories and thoughts, feelings and emotions which are not necessarily of my choosing, it is almost as if it is automatic, as if it were a program.

And if you think about it- it really is like a program. I experience something in my world, say- someone says my name in an angry tone, and all of a sudden- as if by magic, I am experiencing myself differently than I was seconds earlier. Maybe I'm feeling fearful, rigid, tense etc.. Why? Because of memories where someone said my name in an angry tone and then something happened that allowed me to justify the negative experience occurring within me, such as something like a negative consequence as being yelled at or being punished.

It was not my choosing to select and bring forth such memories, I mean, why would I want to experience that again, or experience it every time someone says my name in an angry tone.?The truth is, I wouldn't- yet I do, without even realizing it. Because I have it programmed into me that a certain tone associated to my name triggers a certain chemical to release into my blood and cause me to experience myself a certain way, which usually impacts everything I do while I’m experiencing it, so that the outflows of that chemical release as a feeling or emotion, actually ripples through me, changes Who I AM, and then has an influence or impact on those around me through my interaction with them, as well as everything I do. So, as simple and seemingly insignificant as these programs may seem, they actually have a lot of influence, if you consider they are occurring all the time and within everyone.
These programs are determined by the things we previously experienced, which become memories and  feeling or emotional experiences, and the personalities we developed to cope with those experiences, which are like a cast of characters (such as, for me, ‘school Kim’, ‘work Kim’, ‘social life Kim’, ‘family Kim’, ‘girlfriend or wife Kim’, ‘friend Kim’, ‘girl next door Kim’, ‘sad or happy Kim’, ‘confident Kim’, ‘insecure Kim’ and so on… you get the point), and then the thoughts, feelings and emotions which are triggered and stem up from these characters and manifest inside of us as internal experiences which then effect the way, the who, and the how that we are (for example: ‘friend Kim’ likes to go out and be social, but ‘insecure Kim’ would rather stay home and eat junk food and watch tv, or ‘confidant Kim’ studies hard and stays on top of her work, but that is sabotaged by ‘sad Kim’ who mopes around and procrastinates and feels that life is pointless).

So, where in all this, is my agency? I mean, yes, throughout my life here and there I have applied myself with everything I have and followed through on something, but even within those endeavors, was I completely in control of Who I Am, within my life and world? Was I in control every time I spoke with my mom, dad, husband, sister, nieces and nephews, teachers, friends etc… or did I get angry, frustrated, insulted, annoyed, excited, motivated etc…thus triggering characters? How about when I wanted to eat healthy or exercise, watch less tv, call my grandmother, stop after this drink, stop after this bite, walk the dog more, read more, be patient with my coworkers, speak up in class, start assignments sooner, loosen up in social groups, learn to listen, express myself more clearly, stop biting my nails, take shorter showers, use natural cleaners? – Meaning, even during the times in my life where I made decisions and saw them through to completion, can I really say that, in every moment, it was ME who was living and making every decision? Or how often was it one of my cast of characters? In other words, how much of it was being run on these automatic programs that developed within the first seven or so years of my life? And so- how many of our daily actions can we really say we make the directive decision to do, when we do them, and how well we do them? And how much of what we do is just being pulled around on auto-pilot, by some seemingly all powerful force that we don’t even realize is directing us and pulling the strings in our lives.
I am going to look at this automation by looking at my name, ‘Kim’, and to look at the memories I’ve associated with it based on the tonality with which it is spoken to me, and how that tonality actually affects the entirety of the way and the Who that I am. Is it ME,  or is it the pre-designed memory-based character that is activated based on the memories triggered by the tonality of voice used when and as my name is spoken? And again-this functions the exact same way for everyone. And if you follow this blog series on ‘Names’ , you will see there is a very interesting surprise, which you will be able to look at and apply in your own life, that may answer a lot of questions about who we are and why we are the way we are in this context.
In my next blog, I will look at three examples of name tonalities, the reactions experienced toward them, and the memories associated with them.

Day 85- Commiting to the Tools, the Group, the Principles and the Change

This is a continuation from Day 80- Desteni Character: Fear, wherein I am making self-commitment statements in order to stop limiting myself to a cast of characters based in fear, continuing with the Desteni character.

                                

I commit myself to stand within my decision to participate within Desteni, and to breathe through the thoughts, feelings and emotions stemming from fears in relation to Desteni and the controversy it may bring.

I see, realize and understand that any real change is going to be fraught with resistance, and that the brutal self-honesty demanded by the principles of oneness and equality are going to bring up both the best and the worst in people, the worst which, if not directed and forgiven, may be projected towards myself or others involved within Desteni.

I commit myself to remain the same yesterday, today and tomorrow despite the turbulence that might exist around me.

I commit myself to stop avoiding controversy, and to instead stand as Who I Am no matter what.

I commit myself to continue applying self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application in order to see points in my life through from beginning to end, to continue proving to myself the effectiveness of taking self-responsibility, and thus being a living example of the tools and their effectiveness.

I commit myself to let go of the desire to ‘prove’ myself to anyone but myself, by living real change, because that which is real does not need to be proven.

I commit myself to stop provjecting into the future of the possible harm that may come to those enacting change within themselves and the world, because:

I see, realize and understand that if I accept and allow fear to stop me, then I accept and allow it to stop others, and within this ‘stopping’ I will not be an agent of change and I will not be able to stand as one vote, which is all I have the power to do. I choose to be one vote for world equality.

I commit myself to stand stable within my decision to be one vote, and to support others willing to do the same.

I commit myself to stand as self-honesty within my relationships by standing equal to them, and to never place the value of the relationship above myself and others.

I commit myself to free myself by taking self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

Day 83- Why I Can't Make A Decision

Within this blog I am writing out the self-forgiveness statements to understand and release myself from the approval-seeking character, which manifests indecisiveness, frustration, second guessing myself, and making decisions that I can’t stand by in my life.

This character is described in greater detail in my last blog: Day 82- I Can’t Make A Decision.

In the blogs to follow, I will take apart this point with the tool of self-forgiveness, in order to understand it so that I can stop participating in this character and eventually stop, and change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and manifested myself as an approval-seeking character throughout my life as a way of ‘getting out of’ making my own decisions, and not having to take responsibility for the decisions I end up making, wherein, they are not my decisions, but rather the decisions of the majority of people whom I’ve talked to about them.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that, in order to be the directive principle within my own life, I have to make my own decisions based in/as self-honesty and practical common-sense in alignment with what’s best for all and what’s best for myself as all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my decision making power to others outside of me, by seeking validation and approval for who I am and what I choose to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others by thinking/believing /perceiving that I require validation/approval to do and be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow frustrated within myself because I blame myself for not being able to make clear decisions that I can stand by/within, because I haven’t realized that I am giving my decision-making power away by making my decisions contingent on which I think/believe have the greatest approval from the most important/majority of people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others when I make decisions that don’t work out or that I can’t stand by because I consciously or subconsciously believed they were responsible due to the fact that I made the decision contingent upon what I thought would gain their approval, or what they appeared to consider valid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take credit for decisions that worked out, knowing that I was not entirely responsible for the decision, thus conning myself about Who I Really Am, and CONvincing myself that I am something that I’m not, thus setting myself up to exist within and as the FEAR that I will be found out, instead of realizing only I can ‘find me out’ and call myself out in order to stop and give myself back my power to make clear decision that I can test out for myself, take complete responsibility for and stand by.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk about my choices/decision with others form a starting point of trying to CONvince them that the choice I want to make is the right choice, and secretly trying to get them to agree with me, thus validate/approve of my choice so that I can appease myself within the belief that ‘it is the right choice because another has validated/approved of it for me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the power/courage to make my own choices.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am incapable of making the ‘right’ decision, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ decision, only decisions that are in alignment with what is best for me as all, and those that are not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making decisions, for fear that they will turn out poorly, and I will be ‘proven’ and ‘confirmed’ that I do not know  what’s best for me, or that I cannot stick by and stand within the decisions I make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek approval and validation for my decisions from a starting point of laziness and non-commitment, wherein, if I gain validation and approval, then I don’t have to face the fact that I was lazy or didn’t apply myself to commit to the decision, because then I can just use the excuse that ‘they’ were wrong and ‘that’s why it didn’t work out.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as laziness within the excuse that ‘making decisions work out is hard’, and then not really making any decisions or commitments because that is the easy thing to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not commit to decisions because of the fear that they will fail and because it’s easier to sabotage myself and make the decision fail because at least then I feel like I have control and it was my will, instead of trying and then failing- because then I would feel like I didn’t have control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to experience myself as ‘in control’ by manipulating the outcomes of decisions through self-sabotage.

Self-commitment statements to follow.

 

DAy 80- DESTENI Character - Fear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged, ostracized or rejected because of my participation in Desteni because it is controversial, whereas I have tended to avoid controversy in my life thus far, to the extent of changing myself in order to ‘keep the peace’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not prove the credibility of Desteni, then people will make fun of me and think I’m crazy for applying the tools, instead of realizing that I have proven the effectiveness of the tools to myself, and in/as my standing and my living in this world I will be/become the living proof over time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being confronted about Desteni and not being able to convince/prove the principles and tools/legitimacy instead of realizing that one can only prove anything to oneself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that Desteni and those participating within it will be attacked because of Equal Money, the plan to enter into politics, and posing a threat to those with wealth and power.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear people blaming me for the things Desteni might bring up within them, instead of standing stable and being a support for anyone willing to start their process.

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my relationships changing as a result of my self-change.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self-responsibility, instead of realizing that it is the only way to free myself.

Day 63- Postponement Character

Before Desteni, I would have defined this as a personality trait or a bad habit. Now, after seeing how characters  trigger and work and affect the entirety of self, I see procrastination, postponement, ‘doing it later,’ as an actual entire character. Throughout my life I have played this character a lot, with most things. Any task or thing I have to do that I have even a little resistance towards will be pushed to the back of my list of priorities. I have been working on this point for some time now, and now I find that I’ll get myself physically moving to do the task, but within me is like a mental struggle to now focus on the task and do it with presence and awareness, with all of me- so to speak.

Right now is perfect timing to look at this character, because I am in the middle of a research exam online.  It’s not hard- I just have to read and synthesize a lot of material in order to do it well, and then formulate my answers coherently and in alignment with the questions. It requires focus, attention, patience and memory, and I’m finding it a real struggle within me to do it efficiently.

So, as I understand the process I put myself through when I go into one of these characters, it starts with a singular thought that triggers backchat (self-talk) which affects how I physically feel and then influences my behavior/self-direction. So, the thoughts I have noticed with regards to becoming possessed by the postponement character, are things such as little flashes of, for example, Hotmail or facebook, like I should really go on those sites right away! Or I’ll see flashed of people I want to hear from, along with how they make me feel. I’ve seen myself do a ‘quick scan’ of my life, to remind myself of all the loose ends that need to be tended to, and then they all of a sudden become pressing issues.

The backchat associated with these thoughts, I can identify as: “I have so much to keep up on online” (overwhelmed), “this is such boring work, I’d rather be on facebook/Hotmail reading interesting/relevant things instead/I'll do it later” (big waves of irritation/boredom/impatience). “I need to find a better job/I should do laundry/sign up for classes/decide where I’m going to live...” (anxiety). Within all this, I become easily distracted and loose my focus.

The truth is- if I did everything right away or when I planned on doing it, I would have time to do all this stuff that stresses me out and preoccupies me. This postponement character perpetuates itself, because when I have a task to do, it is easier to trigger this character because of all the other stuff in life that I have put off. It all comes rushing to the fore, strategically and conveniently as the mind switches over from motivated to ‘lock-down’ where all I want to do is other things instead of the one thing I have set myself up to do.

Mostly I am able to ‘work with’ this character, where I accept and allow it to influence me- but I get done the things that really need to get done. But there was a time in my life where I let this character direct me- and it caused serious consequences, such as flunking school and finding work miserable. And that’s what it is really- it takes a simple task and turns it into a miserable experience that I just have to ‘get through’ and ‘survive’ until it’s finally over and done with. But the truth is- it’s never all over and done with, because life/living requires constant and consistent application. Also, when I’m functioning so inefficiently, where it’s a struggle and I put things off till later- then I’m actually busy planting little seeds of stress and anxiety, which will pop up and sabotage me when I least expect it. Now, thanks to this blog, I will begin to expect it, and effectively STOP it, because it’s not worth it. I see, realize and understand how I can stop this character with my writing tools, with breathing and with the strengths I am building with the assistance and support of the Desteni tools/community. These are self-will, self-movement, diligence, assertiveness and many more. I realize that my life can be so much more if I just apply myself in little ways, and keep doing it, wherein it’s not even really an ‘effort’, it just becomes how to live.  The postponement character is a really shitty experience, within it I feel physically tired, irritated, anxious and overwhelmed. I see that this is not necessary, nor is it beneficial to me in any way, so I decide to stop.

My self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements will com ein the blogs to follow.

Day 60- Am I but a Reactive Child Trapped Within a Woman's Body (self-forgiveness statements continued)

This is a continuation of my past blogs:

Day 57- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-57-am-i-but-reactive-child-in.html

Day 58- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-58-am-i-but-reactive-child-trapped.html

Day 59- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-59-am-i-but-reactive-child-trapped.html

Herein I am continuing self-forgiveness statements on my reactions within a situation which I am tracing back through peeling back the layers within and through self-forgiveness so that I may understand and delete the character/pattern from within and as me- thus interacting with parental figures from a starting point of equality and oneness instead of from the parent-child dynamic.

Self-Forgiveness on Reaction C:

Reaction C:  Frustration. Thought: She’s trying to ‘help’ me complete a task by offering unneeded instructions with a lack of awareness, instead of actually assisting and supporting me in ways which consider the reality of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my desire for self-change on to a parental figure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as frustration when a parental figure acts based on a starting point of unawareness, instead of seeing, understanding and realizing that in reality, I am frustrated with myself for acting from a starting point of unawareness, wherein I do not assist and support myself in ways which consider the reality of my situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a parental figure with projected self-judgement, for acting from a starting point of unawareness, wherein I see, realize and understand that I do the very same thing- such as giving instructions when they are obviously not needed, such as when I will say or do something unnecessary for the sake of ‘going through the motions,’ or ‘keeping up appearances,’ when I’m actually not focusing or really interested at all, but trying to pretend like I am for the sake of those around me, instead of stopping, taking some breaths and reigning myself in so that I am present and aware within my interactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interact with others while I’m in a mind possession, wherein I am completely in my mind and thus unfocused and unaware in actual physical reality, so while in self-interest I indulge in the energetic pursuits of the mind, I neglect physical reality and those within it who I am interacting with at the time, instead of stopping my internal experience and bringing myself back to awareness so that I can have an actual real interaction with another instead of wasting both of our time by being falsely present/interacting not as who I am, but within and as my mind, thus interacting self-dishonestly as a façade rather than directing myself within and through the interaction as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when a parental figure gives me instructions on how to do something which I obviously already know how to do, that it is because he/she thinks I am capable of doing it, instead of realizing that he/she is going through his/her own process and is in his/her mind, so it’s not about me nor how he/she perceives me and my capabilities, but rather him/her going through something of his/her own, and trying to play the façade and go through the motions, as I have done- by reacting to this behaviour I am making the statement that it is real and I accept and allow it, thus I will continue to accept and allow it within me, therefore, I see, realize and understand that the only thing I can do in self-honesty is to breathe through the reactions/energy that may come up and walk through the situation without participating thus- being in it but not of it- so I can assist and support myself to not repeat this pattern within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interpret ‘help’ from a parental figure as a message/sign/indicator that he/she doesn’t think I can do it on my own/without help.

To be continued...

Day 34- Playing Roles for Others Instead of Expressing Myself (part deux)

          I wanted to address something I wrote yesterday in which I see self-dishonesty or abdication. The quote is: “the more I care about them, the more I play the role.” This quote is stating that, if I care about people, I play a role around them. Since playing a role around others has more to do with self-perception, as I discovered/exposed/expressed in my last post, then it can’t really have to do with actually caring for the other. When I say ‘caring’ I mean REAL caring, as in, considering the other for who they really are, and not putting up with less than they are, within myself or within them, thus treating them within equality and oneness with and as myself. Thus, REALLY caring for someone does not imply deceiving them with role-play, that is in fact like the opposite of caring for them.

            So, what this reveals to me is that it’s not really about caring, but rather about who I have defined myself as in relation to them, and how much of myself have I given away to them within and through these self-definitions. So much so that I feel a strong need or desire to keep it up,’ and not change in their eyes to not ‘let them down,’ because I’ve constantly built myself up in order to be ‘more’ and appear as ‘more’ than I am. Behind all this is, of course, the belief that I am not enough as I am.

            Within all of this I remember the principle that I can’t do for another that which I have not yet done for myself. So, I cannot truly care for/about another until I truly care for myself, which I obviously don’t yet because I’m still holding onto this belief that ‘I am not enough’ or I am ‘not good enough’ as I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that caring for another involves playing a role for them instead of realizing that I am only playing the role in self-interest, to ‘keep up appearances’ in order to maintain my self-image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to maintain a delusional self-image of myself as ‘happy’, ‘mature,’ ‘responsible,’ ‘together,’ ‘normal,’ and ‘fun,’ by playing these roles for others, instead of realizing that I am participating in the polarity experiences within and through self-judgment in my secret mind, and trying to make up for it by playing out the polarity within and as ‘roles’ for others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘caring’ for another as valuing their opinion of me, which leads me to try to manipulate their opinion of me instead of realizing that real caring involves me caring for myself, and then the other as me within oneness and equality and thus, not accepting or allowing anything less within either of us.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have ever actually cared for/about anyone really, instead of realizing that unless I care for/about me, I am unable to care about anyone else as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to stop playing roles and instead to express myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to stop playing roles for fear that others will see the ‘true me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others seeing the ‘true me’ because I think/believe that all my self-judgment will be realized, and people will see that I am everything I fear being, and everything I have judged others for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build, create and generate an absolute mind prison for myself, wherein I am deep down within myself under all the layers, and due to and because of all the judgment I have participated within and as, I have suppressed myself in fear- fear that others would judge me the way I have judged, instead of stopping my participation in judgment within the realization that the only judgment is self-judgment.

I forgive myself for judging myself so extensively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-judgment to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others realizing my self-judgment, when the only one it really affects/matters to is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe in my environment, in others or in the media, in magazines and on televisions, people/personalities which I judge as ‘good’ and ‘desirable,’ and then try/attempt to emulate/embody/integrate/program them into and as me, so that I may be ‘like that’ because I have judge ‘that’ as better than me, instead of realizing that I am me, whole, here, equal to and one with everything that is here with and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to be anything else than who/what I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my internal experience is the worst possible thing, and that being anything other than me would be an improvement/feel better/be more endurable than what I currently experience within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to long to be ‘someone else,’ as if, if I ‘were that,’ or if I ‘had that,’ then I would feel better, my life would improve, my experience would be bearable, instead of realizing that there is no magic solution such as wishing I were someone/something other than what I am, and that is just a comforting thought that I use when I realize that the only way through is to face me and stand up from within my worst disgrace in order to change me to be/become someone I can live within and as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight and resist facing me and standing up from within my worst, instead of simply taking a breath and walking within the realization that this is the only way through, there is no escape from self, resisting and procrastinating only prolongs this process, and one step at a time with constand and consistant application is the only pace possible.

Within my self-forgiveness thus far, I see/realize/understand that it always comes back to process. I started off with role playing for others, and the main point within this is fear of facing self, because I utilize the roles to not have to face me, or face what others reflect back to me. Within role playing, the status quo is maintained and no feathers become ruffled, so there is also a fear of conflict in there, which is a fear of standing as and speaking as me, as self. I have written out this point within the posts “Anger Reactions,” “Stopping My Reactions to Disagreements-Learningto Live as Equals,”  and “Survival of theFittest Ego,” – all of which I have just re-read to remind myself of the self-realizations I have made thus far, and the self-corrective applications I have written as self-support, to guide me through what/how it is to Live and walk my process without a ‘script’ or ‘role’ to play.

When and as I see myself going into roles in order to please myself and keep the peace, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness by reminding myself that I am not these roles I play, and that Who I Am is and can only be determined in the moment, in each moment in self-honesty. I remind myself to breathe and remainin awareness, and to take the situation one breath at a time I self-honesty.

I commit myself to stp keeping the peace and avoiding conflict, and to instead live me Here, breath by breathin self-honesty.

I commit myself to myself as self-care, wherein I develop self-care within and though practicing self-honesty as what I require to do/be/become/walk through in order to care for me. I allow myself to care for myself as I do/become/walk so that I may prove myself as self-care, so that I may care for others as me.

I commit myself to face myself, and to push through that which is unpleasant, uncomfortable, unbearable and disgraceful.