Ruining a Dinner Party - micro-blog from Desteni Universe

Here I am cooking... or should I say 'ruining' dinner! As I was experiencing mostly one disaster after another.

New kitchen and kitchen appliances, new ingredients, new climate, air, water... everything is different here than when I am cooking in South Africa. Things were not working out the way I was used to as I was making my usual butter chicken, naan and paneer, yet there was a lot of pressure coming at me to cook a meal for a group of guests, not to the waste money spent on ingredients by things not working out, and to make something fabulous!

What happened was that I burnt the sauce even though I was cooking it a lowest level on the stove top. My cheese simply did not separate into curds and whey, but became a thick cream, my bread did not rise half as much as I am used to - all while using the same steps and measurements I always do!

I thought to myself, 'well this is a disaster', and was told by someone "if you fuck it up I'll kill you" lol! Half jokingly, yet at the same time not.

The interesting thing was that I felt totally fine about the whole thing: as things were not working out, I was feeling a bit bad, yes, but not stressed, not worried, not guilty... what existed in me was more along the lines of: I've done my best so we'll have to make do with whatever happens!

And it's funny because I remember walking this point of 'ruining a meal' at the farm - There is actual real consequence to it, with the resources wasted when resources are limited, and then people also depending on and planning their work etc around a certain meal time - and so I would stress every week on my cooking day to the point where I would get knots in my back... and it seems so silly now how I would project people being angry and disappointed and not liking my food, and it would trigger a whole spiral of reaction within me.

And so I worked on the point every week until it eventually became about practical skill development only (with of course enjoyment, expression, experimenting etc), where I let go of the expectations and projections and worked instead from a more grounded and present stance.

And this is what I did today, quite naturally as I was cooking this meal that was not working out. And it was a pleasant surprise to see my hard self-work pay off, because I used to get myself worked up into quite a state when preparing for guests to arrive in my home.

In this scenario, I saved the sauce by changing pots and not stirring up the burnt part, we made an experiment out of the overly creamy cheese, by breading and frying it into balls which were quite yummie, and the naan was much thicker and heavier than I'm used to, but everyone seemed to love it, and loved the butter chicken too! There were people that didn't show up as well, so a smaller group than expected, lots of left overs to take home, and a very calm, relaxed chef that could laugh at the earlier threats and expectations!

This EQAFE recording assisted me most in working with my anxiety. I listened to it years ago, and still apply the information today. This is one recording, but it is part of a series on anxiety which I'd highly recommend for anyone whose anxiety tends to get in the way of things they should normally enjoy:

Deconstructing your anxiety - Atlanteans' Support - Part 85

"This interview provides support on how to find the source of your anxiety and deconstruct it from your life."

 

The Best and Worse of Self Under Extended Stress: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

And just like that, he's gone....

#ACTIONSHOT (and hilarious video courtesy of Cerise Poolman!)

A moment in time that represents a process through which the BEST and the WORST of me came through, and a story about more than just a girl trying to bring her dog across the world:

Ghost is setting off on his 8 day journey today, from Pietermaritzburg, to Johannesburg, a quick stop in Amsterdam and then on to Panama City, where I will be waiting for him on Wednesday.

I have been working on making this trip possible since before March, and organizing this trip is and has been a feat unlike any other for me. After a failed attempt to do it alone, and then two or three unsuccessful tries with other companies, during a time where South Africa was going through some frightening instability, I finally began to make headway.

There are at least 7 or 8 companies and individuals in three time zones that had to align to get Ghost and me to Panama city at the same time, and then on to the city of David to meet up with the rest of the crew.

A change of plans or availability in one of these would mean reorganizing across all 7-8, including timing it with a live customs agent, the airline vets, lifts to and from airports, from one city to another on both sides, arranging time-off at work and shift coverage (I will be working shifts from South Africa, Brazil and then Panama all in the space of a few days!), pick ups and drops offs, arranging documentation for both sides... and on and on...

At the same time, processing leaving the farm, animals dying or leaving , big life changes, personal relationships changing, people leaving, South African problems, risks and threats, fucking load shedding and keeping my job despite it! taking on new responsibilities at the farm...

It felt like I was standing in the middle of this tornado, where I was holding all these strings and keeping either them or myself in line, preventing them/myself from becoming tangled up in each other, adjusting myself/each one as necessary, where the external factors were all independent entities and things happening that I could not fully control, and this to me, after some weeks, began to feel overwhelming.

My underlying self-experience became WORRY, NERVOUSNESS and STRESS - the three LEAST helpful or supportive states-of-mind/energies/personalities during a time when I needed me to be most clear, on the ball, organized and timely.

And then I compounded this with reacting to my own worry, nervousness, stress, judging myself for it, and it got to a point where I had to tell myself to just stop, and have a look. I could see that the emotional reactions where contributing absolutely nothing of value to my situation. I HAVE the understanding of how to work with emotions, reactions, personalities etc... why wasn't I applying it?

The reality is two-fold: first of all, I WAS applying myself, but didn't give myself any credit or appreciation because I was too focused on the things that weren't working and the worst of myself that I was seeing, that I failed to notice that at the same time, the best of me was stepping forward, getting it done DESPITE how I felt within myself. Second of all, this is a process of PERFECT PRACTICE! Not 'perfection or bust'!

We will be confronted with situations in our lives that, from time to time, push us to our limits. There is no way to be completely prepared for these moments and times. You do not sit down in front of a piano and expect yourself to play like Mozart! You fumble and fall, make mistakes and correct and try again. And that is what I did and am doing during this process.

When I slowed down, I began to notice a little self-appreciarion creeping in, and that SELF-confidence I have been working on. And what came over me was almost like a surrender, a gentle acquiescence where I realized I cannot crawl into other people's minds and make them care as much as I do about my dog, my time constraints, my costs, my priorities. I had to work WITH them, their movements and their obligations as well. And with this there was a letting-go, and at the same time, a firmer grip, on myself and onto the situation, and a calm rippled out into the other areas of my life as well.

I also realized that the Self-confidence that was supporting me is developed through consistency, naturalness and trust/self-trust, which are things that take time and events and doing over and over again until they are developed. And when this is behind me, it will be an experience I can draw from and be proud of, and to build from.

So the next time a seemingly monstrous task or time presents itself in my life, I can now know that ya, it will be tough, but FUCK ya, I CAN DO IT!

Day 258 - Walking Through Hell to Create Heaven Within

I have gone through an interesting experience these past few weeks, where I had had enough – enough with the migraines, enough with the overwhelming fear and anxiety that I could physically feel bombarding my body more often than not on a daily basis, enough with feeling like my body is a prison of constant torment. And so I decided to stop. I decided to stop and be here and be empty. 

It was only after walking an extensive internal mind-process of self-understanding and stopping my participation in thought patterns and reactions that I had been impulsing within myself for years. Going into panicked insecurity about the future, creating irrational fears inside myself, obsessively worrying and planning on top of constantly creating imaginary insurmountable obstacles for myself had become my norm, and I had really had enough. But once the mind-process was walked, I was left with bizarre and unexplained physical sensations moving through me.

The experience at first was very scary and confusing. Isn’t it interesting how our first reaction to new experiences is usually fear, and fearing the worst? The experience was physical, because with the process I walked, my mind had become much more quiet – yet on a physical level, my body was in inexplicable turmoil, with internal movements and sensations that would overwhelm me in unexpected moments. I felt like I had no safe place to go, because escaping into my mind of thinking and worrying would only lead to recycling the very thing I had vowed to stop, and being present with my body had now become of storm of unsuspecting sensations and discomforts that I was reacting to with confusion and uncertainty, opening the door again for fear and anxiety.

 

All I could do was to be here, to breath and to trust myself. This involved the decision to stand through the experience, embrace it, support my body and remain consistent within my commitment to stop, no matter what. What it turned out to be was like a physical withdrawal – the body massaging out the conditioning of what it would go through every time I would bombard it with fear, worries and anxieties to the point of panic and overwhelm throughout the years, possibly over a decade of my life. Where I had now stopped my participation in such mind patterns, and was busy walking a process of trust with my body, showing it that I was a changed being, and that my body could relax now, and let it go.

 

Now, stopping this mind participation was not as easy as making a decision and walking it for a few weeks. This was just the tail-end of a much longer process that began years ago, and was further substantiated shortly after my arrival here at the Desteni farm. I had made a comittment to focus on supporting my body whole-heartedly, doing everything I could, from testing out supplements, exercise, writing out many mind patterns and walking the correction, visiting the doctor and chiropractor, doing research in chemistry and bringing in foods and teas that would support the physical symptoms I was experiencing, talking to and seeking support from others, testing out homeopathy, epsom baths, essential oils, massage, creating a safe, comforting and caring internal and external environment for myself, eliminating destructive things from my life, opening myself up through self-understanding and so much more.

 

I cannot pinpoint or say exactly which thing, path or practice initiated my final letting-go, except to say that I did everything I could possibly think of, and the final application was a complete slowing down and an eventual stopping. I would go for slow walks and just breathe, and anything that would come up or move inside me would be forgiven, let go, and I would return back to breath, repeating this until I could remain stable throughout the entire walk. I would do up to three of these walks a day, mostly alone and sometimes with others. I would focus on breathing deeply from my belly, and at the same time holding my posture in a comfortable and supportive way, which at first felt surprisingly overly complicated! I practiced my application of breathing, posture and Here-ness alone, and then with others.

 

What opened up during these walks was this space inside of me, which I call my safe space, my sanctuary, or my safe-haven. It is a place that is like an unconditional self-embrace that is silent and spacious, where I decide what points to bring in to look at instead of the compulsive, out-of-control thinking I had become used to.

 

I have since continued the walks, and three interesting points opened up. First, I noticed that I no longer always needed to visit this place, and that I was going there now unnecessarily. There was no more constant storm inside of me, there was now an overall calm. When I would go into that space when it was unneeded, I could tell immediately because there is a restlessness. In these instances, I simply focus on my environment, coming out from within myself and being present in the physical, noticing the sights, smells, sounds, or using practical planning to map out the next steps of my day.

 

The second thing I noticed was that on these walks, the distractions and mind-wandering started creeping back in, and I would have to apply myself again. It is as if life opened up and showed me what is possible, and then took it away within the statement: “prove it to me/yourself”. Meaning, it is necessary to develop the self-trust, to prove to myself that it is not just when I am forced through consequence, or that I can do it when it is easy, but that the change is now so thoroughly a part who I am at the very fabric of my being, that regardless of internal or external factors, challenges and obstacles, I Stand.

 

The third thing that opened up had to do with a long held belief I had been carrying around .This belief was that I thought that if I did not have these overwhelming negative experiences within myself, life would be so much easier and I would be able to move myself more effectively. But when the actual reality of the situation settled into me and I into it, I found myself feeling listless, ‘blank’, not really knowing what to do or which direction to move in. Now that I was not being pushed by stress, anxiety, worry, panic and overwhelm, I had to move myself. This is the process I am now walking.

 

Since this time with now some weeks passing, the body sensations have stopped almost entirely. There will be moments where I brace myself for a surge, and then nothing happens, and I remember to simply breathe and be here, and not re-engage with the pattern. Now new experiences are opening up to look at. I am giving myself some time as I peel back one layer after another as I integrate, perfect and continue to walk this one.

 

To hear the recordings that specifically supported me throughout this time, check out the following links:

Fearing the Worst: For how to move through being stuck in confusion/uncertainty/fear/complaining into solutions/forward motion check out this recording: From Complaining to Coming to Solutions -Quantum Mind Self Awareness

Description:  “Why do we so often get stuck in our problems and trying to figure out why things went wrong instead of looking for and acting on solutions?
In this recording, we explore practical methods for getting ourselves unstuck when we are facing challenges in our lives, so that instead of complaining about the things that don’t work, we start developing the solutions ourselves.”

 

Developing an internal sanctuary:  Your Own Personal Happy Place - Journeys into the Afterlife - Part 102

Description:  “Even Superman had a Fortress of Solitude.
Everyone needs to have that space for themselves - their own personal, private “Happy Place” where they can, for a moment, reconnect with themselves.
Lilly shares her experience of how creating her personal space of sanctuary allowed her to be more grounded and light-hearted when things got tough, and how we can do the same for ourselves.”

For an explanation about my physical body sensations, what they are and why they happened, check out: I am Real - Quantum Mind Self Awareness

Description: “What is reality? Are you real? And if you are, how would you prove it? Where does reality become real for you?
These questions may seem like philosophical ones that lead to nowhere but a splitting headache. But what if there was an answer to these questions that not only allows you to connect with greater purpose and enjoyment in your day to day life, but also makes those moments of your reality that much more meaningful?”

Find out about www.desteni.org
Visit your existential library at www.eqafe.com