And just like that, he's gone....
#ACTIONSHOT (and
hilarious video courtesy of
Cerise Poolman!)
A moment in time that represents a process through which the BEST and
the WORST of me came through, and a story about more than just a girl
trying to bring her dog across the world:
Ghost is setting off on
his 8 day journey today, from Pietermaritzburg, to Johannesburg, a
quick stop in Amsterdam and then on to Panama City, where I will be
waiting for him on Wednesday.
I have been working on making this
trip possible since before March, and organizing this trip is and has
been a feat unlike any other for me. After a failed attempt to do it
alone, and then two or three unsuccessful tries with other companies,
during a time where South Africa was going through some frightening
instability, I finally began to make headway.
There are at least 7
or 8 companies and individuals in three time zones that had to align to
get Ghost and me to Panama city at the same time, and then on to the
city of David to meet up with the rest of the crew.
A change of
plans or availability in one of these would mean reorganizing across all
7-8, including timing it with a live customs agent, the airline vets,
lifts to and from airports, from one city to another on both sides,
arranging time-off at work and shift coverage (I will be working shifts
from South Africa, Brazil and then Panama all in the space of a few
days!), pick ups and drops offs, arranging documentation for both
sides... and on and on...
At the same time, processing leaving
the farm, animals dying or leaving , big life changes, personal
relationships changing, people leaving, South African problems, risks
and threats, fucking load shedding and keeping my job despite it! taking
on new responsibilities at the farm...
It felt like I was
standing in the middle of this tornado, where I was holding all these
strings and keeping either them or myself in line, preventing
them/myself from becoming tangled up in each other, adjusting
myself/each one as necessary, where the external factors were all
independent entities and things happening that I could not fully
control, and this to me, after some weeks, began to feel overwhelming.
My underlying self-experience became WORRY, NERVOUSNESS and STRESS -
the three LEAST helpful or supportive
states-of-mind/energies/personalities during a time when I needed me to
be most clear, on the ball, organized and timely.
And then I
compounded this with reacting to my own worry, nervousness, stress,
judging myself for it, and it got to a point where I had to tell myself
to just stop, and have a look. I could see that the emotional reactions
where contributing absolutely nothing of value to my situation. I HAVE
the understanding of how to work with emotions, reactions,
personalities etc... why wasn't I applying it?
The reality is
two-fold: first of all, I WAS applying myself, but didn't give myself
any credit or appreciation because I was too focused on the things that
weren't working and the worst of myself that I was seeing, that I failed
to notice that at the same time, the best of me was stepping forward,
getting it done DESPITE how I felt within myself. Second of all, this is
a process of PERFECT PRACTICE! Not 'perfection or bust'!
We
will be confronted with situations in our lives that, from time to time,
push us to our limits. There is no way to be completely prepared for
these moments and times. You do not sit down in front of a piano and
expect yourself to play like Mozart! You fumble and fall, make mistakes
and correct and try again. And that is what I did and am doing during
this process.
When I slowed down, I began to notice a little
self-appreciarion creeping in, and that SELF-confidence I have been
working on. And what came over me was almost like a surrender, a gentle
acquiescence where I realized I cannot crawl into other people's minds
and make them care as much as I do about my dog, my time constraints, my
costs, my priorities. I had to work WITH them, their movements and
their obligations as well. And with this there was a letting-go, and at
the same time, a firmer grip, on myself and onto the situation, and a
calm rippled out into the other areas of my life as well.
I also
realized that the Self-confidence that was supporting me is developed
through consistency, naturalness and trust/self-trust, which are things
that take time and events and doing over and over again until they are
developed. And when this is behind me, it will be an experience I can
draw from and be proud of, and to build from.
So the next time a
seemingly monstrous task or time presents itself in my life, I can now
know that ya, it will be tough, but FUCK ya, I CAN DO IT!
