Ruining a Dinner Party - micro-blog from Desteni Universe

Here I am cooking... or should I say 'ruining' dinner! As I was experiencing mostly one disaster after another.

New kitchen and kitchen appliances, new ingredients, new climate, air, water... everything is different here than when I am cooking in South Africa. Things were not working out the way I was used to as I was making my usual butter chicken, naan and paneer, yet there was a lot of pressure coming at me to cook a meal for a group of guests, not to the waste money spent on ingredients by things not working out, and to make something fabulous!

What happened was that I burnt the sauce even though I was cooking it a lowest level on the stove top. My cheese simply did not separate into curds and whey, but became a thick cream, my bread did not rise half as much as I am used to - all while using the same steps and measurements I always do!

I thought to myself, 'well this is a disaster', and was told by someone "if you fuck it up I'll kill you" lol! Half jokingly, yet at the same time not.

The interesting thing was that I felt totally fine about the whole thing: as things were not working out, I was feeling a bit bad, yes, but not stressed, not worried, not guilty... what existed in me was more along the lines of: I've done my best so we'll have to make do with whatever happens!

And it's funny because I remember walking this point of 'ruining a meal' at the farm - There is actual real consequence to it, with the resources wasted when resources are limited, and then people also depending on and planning their work etc around a certain meal time - and so I would stress every week on my cooking day to the point where I would get knots in my back... and it seems so silly now how I would project people being angry and disappointed and not liking my food, and it would trigger a whole spiral of reaction within me.

And so I worked on the point every week until it eventually became about practical skill development only (with of course enjoyment, expression, experimenting etc), where I let go of the expectations and projections and worked instead from a more grounded and present stance.

And this is what I did today, quite naturally as I was cooking this meal that was not working out. And it was a pleasant surprise to see my hard self-work pay off, because I used to get myself worked up into quite a state when preparing for guests to arrive in my home.

In this scenario, I saved the sauce by changing pots and not stirring up the burnt part, we made an experiment out of the overly creamy cheese, by breading and frying it into balls which were quite yummie, and the naan was much thicker and heavier than I'm used to, but everyone seemed to love it, and loved the butter chicken too! There were people that didn't show up as well, so a smaller group than expected, lots of left overs to take home, and a very calm, relaxed chef that could laugh at the earlier threats and expectations!

This EQAFE recording assisted me most in working with my anxiety. I listened to it years ago, and still apply the information today. This is one recording, but it is part of a series on anxiety which I'd highly recommend for anyone whose anxiety tends to get in the way of things they should normally enjoy:

Deconstructing your anxiety - Atlanteans' Support - Part 85

"This interview provides support on how to find the source of your anxiety and deconstruct it from your life."

 

Stepping Forward - Not Looking Back: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

As I was driving away from the farm for the last time, I didn't want to look back. I have driven away from this farm hundreds of times now, and I always look back. It's so beautiful, I can't help but admire the fields, at one point the horses, the trees, the river, even the buildings appear as though they sprung up out of the ground and belong there.

But this time was different. It was the Last Time. And so this time there was sadness - and I knew this 'looking back' was more me trying to create an emotional experience, a connection to the past. Like trying to take a snapshot and create a memory to hold on to, stagnant in time, keeping a part of ME stagnant.

But Life is not stagnant, it is forever moving, flowing - past, present and future always together in this Here moment - and all I can 'hold on to' is Who I Choose to Be, and thus, Who I Am in every
Here moment - learning from the past, acting in the present, creating the future. The one internal constant is this choice, and the external constant is change.

So I didn't look back this time, I looked forward, cause that's where I'm heading. I'm moving forward and I'm letting go of something I never thought I would have to let go of, and that's terrifying. And its exciting, and it's heartbreakingly sad.

I find with these goodbyes I always have this one last moment of wanting to fight it, to change my mind and hold on. In the past I have followed that decision and held on, and every time it has cycled me through repeating patterns where I inevitably ended up in the same position of choice.

Now it all plays out inside of me in a quantum moment, where I can see the entire pattern from beginning to end, seeing that it always ends up at that point of inevitability, and so I walk through the resistance, surrender the fight, and take that step forward. Full of fear sometimes, yes, but equally full of the courage to keep moving.

Please enjoy these ACTUAL photos I took of this place over the past 2 years - as in, not mental images/memories stuck in time - but physical pictures that I decide when to look at or not:

Day 219- Setting Money to Purpose: Creating a Work/Life Balance

This blog is continued from: In Money but not OF Money - Howto Find Your Passion Without Chasing Money

Listen to this recording here

          This blog is focused on living the principle of honouring self, and creating the best life possible, while not allowing the pursuit of money flatten one's passion or ambition. In my last blog, I discussed about how I changed my experience at work and my starting point of working, in order to bring more of ME into my job, and re-ignite my passion and fire despite the fact that I was only originally there for money. The process was very difficult for me, and filled my life with challenge.

          During pushing myself to change the way I work and Who I Am within the work I do, from making it all about money, to making it more about me, my passion and my spark of life, I noticed an unfortunate problem: My life had become all about challenging myself, my habits and my comfort zone, and nothing else. It was ALL difficult and challenging, and there was nothing else. In this blog, I will talk about how I created my life outside of work, to support the balance that is ever so necessary in life. It must not only ever be about challenge and letting go, but also about creation, and building the new way of being and doing.

          What I did to address this problem, was to now look at what I could create and develop outside of work, in my home life. I asked myself: what do I want to create and develop for me that would create more of a balance in my life so that it wasn’t all about money and making money. So I made a list.

          The first thing I looked at was my living space. I was living with my parents in a spare bedroom to save money and pay off debt. This means that my living space had also come from a starting point of money only, I had not really considered myself. The room was small, so I had items and belongings scattered into several rooms. The room was also right next to my parents bedroom, so if I came home late, I risked waking them up. Due to this, I found myself feeling like I had no personal space to call my own.

          I asked if it would be alright if I created a space for myself in the basement so that I would rather create my living space from a starting point of what would best support me, my living, my life.

          I accumulated furniture through friends and acquaintances, estate sales and second-hand stores. I bought some plants and some lights, and created quite a nice space, with a fireplace, a workout zone, office and bedroom area. After several months, I had my space set up to reflect me, my life, and what I wanted to do.

           The next thing I noticed was that I had very little activity outside of work. I had deemed it too expensive to go out into the city while I was trying to save money and pay off debt. I decided here that it was more important to create balance in my life, than to stay at home only in order to save money. I freed up some of my funds and looked into discount classes or courses I might be interested in. What I found was that many yoga classes offer a trial month at a very reduced price, so I signed up!

          Hot yoga was very nice to attend during the cold winter months, and I really felt like I was doing something nice for my mind, being and body. It was an incredibly supportive activity for me to do after a day in the office and before going home for the night. It got me out of the house on weekends, because I had become somewhat of a hermit, and it motivated me to consider my body in terms of treating it well and giving it what it needs.

           What followed from here was relationships. Now that I had several important areas of my life covered and directed, I began to notice myself become interested and motivated to have more people in my life. There were a few ladies I worked with that I really got along well with, and began to test out spending some time together outside of work. We managed to develop a deeper connection than simply ‘colleagues’, and supported each other through tough times at work, as well as had fun times outside of work. Again, here I had to make the decision to free up some funds for this, but often times we were able to keep it cheap by making our own food and watching free documentaries at home, staying up late into the night to discuss what we had learned, or having a cookout in the yard and chatting over a meal.

          All of these things required me to challenge who I was and what my priorities were, among many other things, without compromising my goals. Due to what I had been experiencing at work, i would fall into more depressed states, and have difficulty getting myself up and out, I don’t know if I would have had the ability to contemplate my life and needs, or the tools to use my creativity and actually practically make and implement such decisions for myself if I didn’t have the skills and understandings that I learned through walking a dedicated process of self-change. This is but one example of how I walked my process for ME. I supported myself and my unique life and situation in ways that created balance within and as creating a life that is beneficial for me. Why? Because I matter. And until I make this a living realization in every moment, I will only be waiting forever for myself to change and become a better human being.

Dare to change your own life? The following links are not for the faint of heart:

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[Destonian Social Network]

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Thanks for reading my story!