Inner-Strength: What's Real? micro-blog from Desteni Universe

In my journey to redefining 'strength' I am learning about the ILLUSION of inner-strength (as apposed to REAL inner-strength) something I know all too well.

This is when I use my 'strength' to suppress what I am experiencing in moments, remaining completely stoic on the outside while internally I am actually emotional.

A recent example is when I was looking at some pictures, and I happened upon a picture of some dogs I've had to say goodbye to this last year, and it hit me all over again that they were now gone. In the moment I was struck with a deep sadness and wanted to cry, but instead I breathed and 'swallowed it' in a way, because there were others around. In so doing, I exerted my 'strength' to control my physical and to hold in my emotional reaction that was there in the moment.

At night, right before I go to sleep, I often do a 'scan' of my body/inner Self to see if there are any loose ends that need to be directed. That night, I found the pocket of emotion from having seen the dogs and suppressed the sadness. So I went into it and cried it out, being sure not to feed the sadness with any additional emotions, but just an unconditional letting go so that I was clear before going to sleep.

The recording explained that, if left unchecked, these emotions remain inside, creating pressure, strain, stress on the body, which builds over time and leads to emotional outbursts or physical illness/disease later on, sometimes years down the line.

So, even though we think we are being strong in the moment of 'keeping our composure', the reality is that in the long run, we loose more 'composure'/'control' over ourselves/bodies through outbursts or illness and disease.

For me, this has over the years contributed to migraines and psoriasis. Showing me the inner-strength I thought I had when it comes to keeping it together - is in fact suppression.

My solution apart from revisiting the emotion later, is to simply unconditionally let it out. Or, if that is not appropriate, can at least talk about it, define it, describe it, write it out or speak sf when I have a more appropriate moment later.

The recording leaves off with the practical application of being able to even identify these moments where we tend to immediately suppress, because it can very easily go unnoticed. So it's point of 'Man, Know Thyself'. We really need to be seeing this stuff we're doing to and within ourselves, and direct it/take it back in order to become empowered and not compromise our physical bodies or relationships with others in our world's.

Here's the recording, have a listen, enjoy!

Inner-Strength: What's Real? - Atlanteans - Part 324

Stepping Forward - Not Looking Back: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

As I was driving away from the farm for the last time, I didn't want to look back. I have driven away from this farm hundreds of times now, and I always look back. It's so beautiful, I can't help but admire the fields, at one point the horses, the trees, the river, even the buildings appear as though they sprung up out of the ground and belong there.

But this time was different. It was the Last Time. And so this time there was sadness - and I knew this 'looking back' was more me trying to create an emotional experience, a connection to the past. Like trying to take a snapshot and create a memory to hold on to, stagnant in time, keeping a part of ME stagnant.

But Life is not stagnant, it is forever moving, flowing - past, present and future always together in this Here moment - and all I can 'hold on to' is Who I Choose to Be, and thus, Who I Am in every
Here moment - learning from the past, acting in the present, creating the future. The one internal constant is this choice, and the external constant is change.

So I didn't look back this time, I looked forward, cause that's where I'm heading. I'm moving forward and I'm letting go of something I never thought I would have to let go of, and that's terrifying. And its exciting, and it's heartbreakingly sad.

I find with these goodbyes I always have this one last moment of wanting to fight it, to change my mind and hold on. In the past I have followed that decision and held on, and every time it has cycled me through repeating patterns where I inevitably ended up in the same position of choice.

Now it all plays out inside of me in a quantum moment, where I can see the entire pattern from beginning to end, seeing that it always ends up at that point of inevitability, and so I walk through the resistance, surrender the fight, and take that step forward. Full of fear sometimes, yes, but equally full of the courage to keep moving.

Please enjoy these ACTUAL photos I took of this place over the past 2 years - as in, not mental images/memories stuck in time - but physical pictures that I decide when to look at or not:

Day 130- The Pursuit of Happiness

Within this blog I am digging deeper into the self-diminishment caused by the pursuit of happiness. This blog is continued from "Day 129- Programming Myself to Succeed", and  "Organic Robot Programmed to Fail". In order to reveal the source of what drives me to pursue happiness, I am writing self-forgiveness statements and then deriving self-commitments and self-corrective applications therefrom, to both understand this 'force' and also to change it to that which is best for all.

 

 

 

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and con myself that ‘what I want’ and what will ‘make me happy’ is being able to fuck off and ‘do whatever’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really want is a world where all life is supported, including me, and this involves me first supporting myself in every way, to prove to myself that such support is in fact possible, and then to do it, so that I become a living expression of it, wherein I can support others as myself, which is unconditionally.
I commit myself to let go of the pursuit of personal happiness and in exchange for the pursuit of practical solutions that will create a world that supports all life, such as the proposition of an Equal Money System which would be the first step in doing so.

I commit myself to support myself in every way, I order that I may be/become the proof that such support is in fact possible.

I commit myself to support others as myself unconditionally.

When and as I see that I am manipulating and conning myself by pursuing the energetic internal experience of ‘happiness’- as if ‘happiness’ carried with it any kind of integrity, as if ‘happiness’ was something other than self-interest without any regard for the rest of life, and as if ‘happiness’ wasn’t something manufactured and sold to us as a seemingly attainable standard of life, juuuuust outside of reach. I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back down to reality within the understanding that although I experience enjoyment- of my environment, with others, with animals, etc… I understand that happiness is not valid, as it is complete and blind disregard for the reality we all exist within, where if I were to claim happiness, it would be done in the face of children sold for sex, human being starving, and most of life struggling/suffering in some way. I understand that happiness will be a valid pursuit once practical solutions have been implemented and all are provided for equally, and until then, ‘happiness’ actually borders in sheer evil, as it denies the reality of those whose reality needs to be addressed the most, and places self’s internal experience as more important than addressing/considering/taking care of the more vulnerable life-forms that are in dire need of support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand that supporting myself will involve letting go of many habits that I like and make me 'happy', but which do not support me, and

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to go through the withdrawal from these habits/patterns that I have lived with and become so accustomed to and comfortable with.

I commit myself to stopping my habits in order that I may face those parts of myself that I am suppressing and denying through preoccupying myself instead with habits and 'happiness' as distractions from the reality of who/how/what I am/have been/have become.

I commit myself to letting go of the false 'happy-go-lucky' self that I have thus far accepted and allowed myself to exist as, in order to become an actual real individual that is aware of exactly what is going on within self, and the world, in order that I may align myself with self-change and global change to that which is best for all.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that the withdrawal I will go through when/as I pull myself out of my habits/'happiness' is something that I can in fact walk through and direct myself through and ‘survive’, and I commit myself to see/realize/understand that the those parts of me the fear ‘not surviving’ are the parts that will in fact end.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing habits to be who I am, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that walking out of habits is necessary, and that the experience that I go through each time I stop is not enjoyable, but is necessary and is the most beneficial thing I can do for myself. I walk myself through to self-direction within the understanding that I have walked myself through the withdrawal many times already, but unless I do it EVERY time, I will have to continue experiencing the cycle of participation/withdrawal, which causes MUCH unnecessary friction in my life/experience.

Happiness is not real, it is an internal energetic experience super-imposed on top of what is actually real/Here. Reality is being denied for the illlusion.

Entire series: Blog Series

To learn these self-supportive writing tools FOR FREE visit: DIP LITE

I will continue to write out self-commitments and self-corrective applications in my next blog.

Day 20-21 – Seeing it Through

Yesterday I had an experience of what felt like depressiveness, wherein everything felt difficult and I fell into the mind and I was not effective. As it was happening I was aware of the fact that it would not be like that forever. In fact, it has happened quite often that I have difficult days like this and I always end up being okay, bouncing back the next day. Today was as I had expected, wherein I felt much more able to direct me and I saw that everything is still Here, and I am still Here able to direct me. So, this pattern involves me falling into a depressive state, which involves self-judgment and manipulation, only to see that it is not real, it is just an experience that I am able to direct myself through so that, when I wake up the next day, I can still have taken a step, instead of having to go through the motions of having fallen the day before. It’s so obvious now, but yesterday it wasn’t at all because I was in this depressive mind-possession wherein I felt like "I wasn’t doing or being ‘enough’ and I probably never will be". I wrote a blog about it, but then I watched one of Bernard’s videos on depression and decided to see the pattern through to a solution before writing about it.

First, I will post the blog from yesterday, and then conclude with my solution and corrective application.

Day 20- Depressive Possession

I walked a very bizarre day today. I spent the entire day alone without any interaction and allowed myself to indulge in the mind wherein I experienced a recurring emotional energetic state of lostness, aloneness, and depression. I did not move me effectively and so I need a practical application with which to face this because for the next several months, aloneness will be prominent in m reality.

It’s interesting because I am coming from an environment that was ‘chaotic,’ with people and animals all the time seemingly everywhere, where at times I felt like I couldn’t ‘get away’, and I wanted peace and quiet. Now I have that, and it is not as I projected it would be. I am not serene, effective and efficient, as I imagined I would be. I created for myself a feeling of lostness, aloneness and depression, and today I let it get the best of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need ‘company’ to occupy my environment in order that I may stay present instead of drifting off into my mind.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be my own company, wherein I remain present alone with myself- no different than if I were not alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I am not already alone, even in the presence of others, because I am alone within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become so accustomed and used to living within and as personalities for others, that I do not even really know who I am when I am alone.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to know me, or to have taken the time to get to know myself as who I really am, because I have instead wasted my time pursuing endless thoughts, fantasies, imaginations, entertainment etc… distracting myself while I was missing me, not spending time within and as me as presence and self-intimacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate/connect a feeling of lostness to the emotional experience of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be lost, when I am and always have been right Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I can lose myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself in my mind, thus manifesting a feeling of ‘lostness’ instead of being present with myself and moving me within and as self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become ‘frazzled’ because I think/believe/perceive myself to be lost, and then I attempt to find me by looking for an experience of myself, or an experience of stability, an experience of what it ‘should’ feel like to ‘find’ me or be me, instead of simply stopping, breathing and coming back into the present moment where I am and always have been waiting for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the emotional energetic experience of depression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe depression to be real or to be who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become depressive, wherein I allow myself to sink into a 'depression' by accepting and allowing myself as the mind to suppress myself as Life due to my accepted and allowed participation within and as thoughts of inferiority, and self-judgment that I am not 'where I should be', or that I haven't accomplished what I 'should have' accomplished, instead of realizing that the only step I can take is the next step Here, and not skip a bunch of steps in order to be 'there' where I 'should’ be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose to continue to indulge within these thoughts/moods/emotions/feeling/beliefs because that is what I have always done, instead of realizing there is another choice and another way, I only have to go through the discomfort of breaking the habits and patterns I've become accustomed to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try/attempt to manipulate myself with depression, wherein I am attempting to fool myself into believing I am not effective, not making enough progress, not doing well enough, etc... accompanied by the belief that I cannot change .

I see, realize and understand that these are only beliefs of the mind, and they are only as real as I make them by participating within and as them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate, thus putting tasks off into a future that is not Here, it is only in my mind, wherein it exists as a future in which I will 'feel better,' 'get things done,' 'be more motivated,' thus creating an entire projection of this 'better' future and then comparing it to where I am now, thus manifesting self-judgment, self-defeat, self-pity, etc... and eventually, depression.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to utilize every Here moment to assert myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become a programmed zombie robot that only follows old habits and patterns, directed by the endless meaningless cycles of my internal experience, instead of waking up and directing me as a principled self-leader who functions in common sense.

I commit myself to waking up from the slumber I have been in for my whole Life, to stop blindly following the smoke and mirror-mazes of the thoughts, beliefs, emotions, ideas, perceptions and feelings as my internal experience as my mind, and to instead stand as principled and common sense living that takes into consideration that which is best for all.

I commit myself to stopping my patterns and habits of indulging in the mind, in which I allow me to feel lost, alone and depressed, and to instead return to the presence of breath which is Here, with everything and everyone else in existence, where aloneness is all-oneness.

I commit myself to asserting myself in every Here moment.

I commit myself to discover myself within self-intimacy and self-understanding, so as not to miss another moment as an opportunity to actually Live as me.

DAY 21 -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fallen into the mind within the belief that there is no other way, and no way out.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to assert myself despite/in spite of my internal experience, wherein I could have taken steps and furthered myself with self-direction, but instead I stagnated, thus creating the experience that I went through yesterday as an accumulation of such points.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that every moment counts, and that every moment is an opportunity which can be utilized within self-movement, as every breath I take is an opportunity to move towards self-expansion, self-intimacy and self-mastery.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that only at death is it too late, and that I can and will pick myself up every time I fall, and so within this realization, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste even one second within self-doubt, self-victimization and self-defeat, because I know that I will pick myself up and keep going, so there’s no point in contemplating it, questioning it or trying to test it out and experience it, because it is not an experience of myself, it simply IS who I am and what I will do and continue doing till it’s done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I have too much self-forgiveness and self-introspection to do that I can’t possibly sort myself out in time. “It will take time, but not an endless amount of time” –BP.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I am my priority right now, and in order to sort myself out effectively, I need to make time for me, and direct myself to use my time more efficiently as I apply myself in this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the pattern of depressiveness again…. But-

I see, realize and understand that this recent past experience has shown me one thing: that this pattern is useless/pointless/a waste of time/does not serve me in any way whatsoever. However, I see, realize and understand that in the past, I would have bounced back into polarity, whereas today I directed me so as not to create the opposite extreme of depression (which will only set me up for another crash). I see the polarity here, and I will not participate within and as it.

I commit myself to stopping my participation in the polarities of energy by observing the repeating patters of the highs and lows I experience, by pushing through the lows until they no longer influence me in/as my application of myself, and to breathe through and not participate within the highs, because, as tempting as they may seem, they are not worth it, as all they do is return me to the cycle of then experiencing depressiveness, and thus wasting my time and my life.

Icommit myself to walking a process that will lead me to become the living realization of the absolute dedication and commitment it takes to apply myself in every moment, as well as the importance of doing so, and I commit myself to whatever amount of time it will take.

I commit myself to making “every moment count,” wherein I assert myself in every moment, despite my internal experience of myself.

When and as I see that I am facing an accumulation of points which manifests itself as depressiveness, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that the only way through is through, and that I MUST stand, I MUST push through, because it is a manifested consequence that I already created for myself, and the only thing there is to do is walk through it and learn the lesson, so as to not repeat and manifest the same consequences again.

Day 8 – Saying Goodbye

Today was the day of goodbyes. I have always feared crying in front of people and due to this fear would suppress it as if my life depended on it. Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally expressive was a terrifying experience for me at first, but as I got used to it I also got used to expressing myself more and more until finally, I became comfortable with it in relation to that person. However, I would project my suppressed self on to those who have know me for longer, and within this I have to face/accept my self-change when I am with them. Today I had to say goodbye. Due to the entire life/circumstantial/situational changes I am walking into, I had projections and fears that created an overwhelming emotional experience within me, and I pushed myself to walk through the self-created pattern of suppression by allowing myself to cry, but I still had reactions, so...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear crying/expressing myself in front of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself in front of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgment of others when I cry/express myself/expose myself in front of them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for crying/expressing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for crying because I think that it reveals my weakness/the fact that I am weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive crying as weakness instead of realizing that crying can simply be a release of overwhelming emotions that I have accepted and allowed to build up within me due to my participation within thoughts, feelings, emotions, fears, regrets and projection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen or perceived as weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see or perceive myself as weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an image of myself as strong ad together and then projecting that image out as who I believe myself to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt/try to manipulate others to see mr a certain way so that I may confirm to myself that I am that way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project strength and togetherness to hide the fact that I believe myself to be weak and scattered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am weak and scattered, thus creating the polarity of myself as strong and together instead of simply being me Here, and working with myself through that which needs to be worked through in the moment in order to create myself as stability within the understanding that ‘I got this’, I can handle me through that which needs to be handled. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt or try to create a belief of strength and togetherness through thoughts and projection, instead of patiently actually building and creating it as me by investigating and pulling apart and correcting that which I accept ad allow to create weakness, scattered-ness and instability within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the polarity of strong/weak and together/scattered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself due to fear of judgment and self-expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others seeing me change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the security and apparent stability of constancy instead of realizing that the only thing that remains constant are the endless cycles of ups and down caused by participation in polarities, and endless constant patterns as habits and routines that limit me and keep me from growing, building, learning and exploring myself and my world.

I commit myself to self-change and self-exposure by fearlessly changing myself regardless of who or what or where I am, and by exposing myself to myself in forgiveness so that I may change myself accordingly.

I commit myself to myself- that I may stand as me regardless of who or what or where I am.

I commit myself to express myself when I need to, so that I may see what it is I have accepted and allowed and suppressed within me in order to expose it, forgive it and change it through self-corrective application.

When I see that I am going into suppression, I stop, and I breathe. I allow myself to express/release me so that I may continue walking my change until it is done.