Day 136- Why Do We Fear Making the Genuine Decision to Change?

          Within this blog I am exploring the self-compromise I have accepted and allowed in my life due to sub-consciously sabotaging myself in so many ways. I do this because it creates chaos in my world from which I can cry ‘helplessness’, thus giving myself the excuse to not have to stand up and face reality, and not have to stand up and change for real.

This blog is continued from Day 135- Stop, and Change, where I wrote out the self-forgiveness statements that allowed me to put my guard down and dig a little deeper into this sub-conscious self-manipulation. The realizations that have been coming forth within this process of writing explain SOOO much of why things just seem to ‘never work out’ for me, and these are points of sub-conscious doings that I missed within my entire series of writing out my troubles at school. However, within that series I exposed myself to myself in so many ways and peeled back some top layers so that I am now here, at this point, where I am seeing the nitty-gritty details of the lies I have been living. 

Small lies, probably millions of them told only to myself, mostly affecting no one directly but myself, and creating a crumbling foundation from which building strength, integrity, will-power and stability would be impossible. Now I simply have to take it all down and start again in such a way where I am honest with myself and who and how I really am, so that the foundation of Who I Am is something I can build into something I can trust and depend on. This can only be proven to me, by me, over time.

          Below are the self-commitment statements and self-corrective application statements that I have derived from the self-forgiveness statements in my previous blog. 

          The self-forgiveness statements expose me to myself in such a way that I can handle it because it is done within forgiveness, within the understanding that from here on out I will stop these ways, and change them. The self-commitment and self-corrective application statements assist and support me to practically script myself out, because in changing one has nothing to refer to or fall back on when difficult moments arise. If  don’t script myself out, I will not be able to trust myself to see, realize, understand, stop and change all in one moment- Especially because that ‘one moment’ is the ‘moment of truth’. It is the moment where everything is coming together and old patterns and habits kick in automatically and with a vengeance  In that moment it is too easy to become confused, uncertain, overwhelmed, give up and fall back in to my old ways. It is simply too easy to do so if I don’t have a plan, a practical script that I wrote by myself, for myself, in a way that I understand exactly what’s going on and what would be the absolute best and most practical thing for me to do, or action for me to take, that will lead to, over time, creating results that support me and that are best for me in my life. Thus over time, creating a ‘me’ that I can depend on and trust.

I commit myself to stop feeding my addiction to the energetic experience of control by stopping myself in those moments where I see that I am participating in self-sabotage which slowly over time, moment by moment, creates a lack of control in my life and world, and I know very well when those moments are, and I commit myself to looking at myself self-honestly so that I can identify those moments with clarity, directness and assertiveness.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in the self-sabotage that leads to loss of control (giving up on tasks/not seeing things through, ignoring issues, procrastinating, taking too long/being late ec…) I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to assertiveness, self-direction and clarity within myself by reminding myself that as within, so without: as I direct my external world with clarity, assertiveness and self-direction, so will I direct my internal world as such, and vice versa, until I am back in control of my thoughts, words and deeds in every moment.

I commit myself to learn what real commitment really is, by seeing tasks through till I am satisfied that I have directed them through to completion in the best way possible.

When and as I see that I am quitting on something, letting it go, considering it ‘dealt with’ before I am completely satisfied that it is done, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-commitment by reminding myself that it will create a LOT more work for me to do something half-assed than it will for me to out in the time and dedication to see the task through in the moment, and within the understanding that in the moment, I will bombard myself with excuses, justifications and validations for why I don’t have to finish, in whch case I use the tool of breath to breathe through and simply move myself till it is done.

I commit myself to bring my life and world back into control by specifically focusing on those tasks that I judge as difficult, and to see them through to the end within the understanding that it will be very difficult IN FACT if I listen to all my justifications, validations and excuses.

I commit myself to see through the lies I tell myself about how ‘I can’t do it’ and ‘it’s too hard’, because I see, realize and understand that I do this in order to not change, and to justify not changing, by keeping myself trapped in the illusion that I am helpless.

When and as I see that I am judging something as ‘difficult’ or ‘complicated’ I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself back to self-honesty within the realization that there is always a solution and a way to do it, it’s just a matter of taking a moment to figure it out, and then sticking to the solutions I decide upon. If it doesn’t work out, I learn, and then apply what I have learned and do it again until I am satisfied or until it is effective.


From previous blog:

"I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking control of my Life and world because then I would be responsible and accountable, whereas if everything is out of control then I don’t really have to step up to the plate."


I commit myself to make the genuine decision to change and to not just use self-forgiveness and partial-change to avoid negative consequences that I have thus far accepted and allowed myself to generate in my life due to avoiding taking complete self-responsibility.

I commit myself to investigate my desire to not change through writing self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective application statements so that I can practically apply myself in my world in a way that leads to actual change.

I commit myself to investigate and expose to myself the reasons for which I do not want to change in the utmost detail, so that I no longer use uncertainty as an excuse to continue to sabotage myself and keep myself enslaved to those parts of myself that I do not have control over, but which instead control and direct me.

When and as I see that I am letting go of my self-control and my self-direction in moments where it feels as though I do not have the integrity and will power to direct myself, I stop, and I breathe. I accept and allow myself to simply stop, and let go/breathe through the energetic experience I am creating thus accepting and allowing myself to face that which I am avoiding, which is the absolute fear that lies beneath the experience of uncertainty, so that I can stand up from within and as it, and assert myself as Who I Am in that moment, stating “I Am Here”, “I direct me”, “I decide who and how am am/going to be in this moment, NOT uncertainty and not FEAR, but MYSELF as the self-directive principle of me”, and I stop. I stop generating the constant and continuous internal experience of uncertainty, fear and the helplessness to stop it.

I commit myself to write myself out, and to expose to myself the ways in which I have created and manifested the helplessness that I fall into in moments of fear.

I commit myself to be the integrity and will power that I am min the face of that which I have thus far allowed to conquer and control me.


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Day 131- Chasing the Carrot on the Stick

I’m taking a pause from the series I have been writing through because as the time has passed since I began writing out the resistances and difficulties I experience as a student, I have actually finished my studies. Therefore I will be focusing on what is in my immediate environment/Here within my writing, which no longer includes these issues. I’m writing now because I am experiencing within myself the resistances associated with the thought/belief that I don’t have any time to write. I have experienced this resistance throughout my end of semester exam period, and along with a new full-time job, I interpreted this as ‘too much’ within the thought, ‘I can’t do one more thing’.

Now I will never know if I could in fact do one more thing, because I didn’t push myself to try. There were perhaps some days where this was so, but not all of the days that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘loosen the reigns’ and not write myself out, even just a little in order to stay on top of my self-movement, my self-application and my self-directive principle.

Speaking in a chat with my DIP buddy today, I saw a point I had been missing in relation to this. She asked me a simple question, which involved the definition of ‘leisure time’. I thought about it for a moment, and I realized that I defined leisure time as ‘the time that is left over once everything else is done’. It hit me and she also saw that this is quite the contradiction, because, ‘everything’ is never ‘all done’. So, I realize I had worked myself up into this state of mind wherein I was moving from task to task in some mad race to finish everything so that I could get to my goal of ‘leisure time’, however this goal had been set by myself in my mind as an experience of ‘having it all done’. But life is a constant doing, it’s never ‘all done’ or else it would cease to be, and I would be dead. At the most basic level it is a constant doing, from the beating of the heart, to breathing, to eating and shitting, to having to earn a living and of course, to self-growth, self-change, and self-correction.

Looking at the situation in common sense, I then saw that even though I was living out this ‘constant never-ending doing’, seeking the experience of completion- I was actually not performing any better than if I were to slow down and breathe and allow for leisure time for myself to enjoy myself despite the fact that I have done 'completed everything', which is, of couse, impossible anyways. All of a sudden I see that as I slow down, I actually create ‘more time’, instead of what I previously thought, which was: ‘the more I get done, the more time I’ll have,’ and then of course ‘once I get it all done, I will experience release/relief/peace’. But what I didn’t see was that I was creating the tension, the stress and the experience of ‘no time’. I was/am the source of it, it is not outside of me as ‘all the work I have to do’. This is empowering because, as the source I am then also the solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest the internal energetic experience of ‘rushing’, ‘racing’, and ‘chasing’ the experience of ‘completion’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this experience only exists in my mind as that which I will experience ’later’, and thus not something real that I am living as NOW, HERE in the present moment, indicating that it is in fact an illusion, acting as a carrot on a stick which I chase and chase and the faster I move and the harder I try, the faster the ‘carrot’ moves and the more difficult my current experience becomes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the illusionary reality I create within my mind wherein Life becomes the pursuit of made-up experiences which seem so real and possible to attain, yet which somehow are never quite achieved… instead of looking at the actual current reality of myself and my situation and what I have accepted and allowed my current/present state/self/reality to actually be, and basing my actions/decisions/application on this input/information as the actual real physical reality I exist within/as and share with all and everything else that is Here together with me.
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that as I ignore my current/present state/self/reality, and instead constantly and continuously look into the future and chase wants and desires as experiences as the ‘carrot on a stick’, the quality of the current/present state/self/reality actually diminishes as it is not given the utmost attention, care and direction by myself, in order to create a living reality for myself which would actually assist and support me in the most effective ways possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the present moment, wherein I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not tend to myself and my reality within/as the present moment with the utmost care, attention and direction, in order to direct my life and world to be/become one which supports me in such a way that I will be/become stable and able to support others as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the present moment by spending too much time in my mind thinking about/planning/imagining/worrying about the future/my future instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only way to practically create a future that supports me, is by supporting myself NOW, moment to moment, within the realization that the future does not really exist, the only thing that really exists is the present moment, and the daily application of self-direction within the principle of doing what’s best for all (which includes me- thus, is also self-interest as an all-inclusive self-interest where the interest of others is equal to and one with my own interest), which will always prove to be and create a reality that is supportive/best for all because the results are physically measurable and can thus be directed and adjusted based on physical feedback as consequences and friction, and thus able to be re-aligned back to what’s best for all.

Self commitment and self-corrective statements to follow...

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Day 130- The Pursuit of Happiness

Within this blog I am digging deeper into the self-diminishment caused by the pursuit of happiness. This blog is continued from "Day 129- Programming Myself to Succeed", and  "Organic Robot Programmed to Fail". In order to reveal the source of what drives me to pursue happiness, I am writing self-forgiveness statements and then deriving self-commitments and self-corrective applications therefrom, to both understand this 'force' and also to change it to that which is best for all.

 

 

 

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and con myself that ‘what I want’ and what will ‘make me happy’ is being able to fuck off and ‘do whatever’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really want is a world where all life is supported, including me, and this involves me first supporting myself in every way, to prove to myself that such support is in fact possible, and then to do it, so that I become a living expression of it, wherein I can support others as myself, which is unconditionally.
I commit myself to let go of the pursuit of personal happiness and in exchange for the pursuit of practical solutions that will create a world that supports all life, such as the proposition of an Equal Money System which would be the first step in doing so.

I commit myself to support myself in every way, I order that I may be/become the proof that such support is in fact possible.

I commit myself to support others as myself unconditionally.

When and as I see that I am manipulating and conning myself by pursuing the energetic internal experience of ‘happiness’- as if ‘happiness’ carried with it any kind of integrity, as if ‘happiness’ was something other than self-interest without any regard for the rest of life, and as if ‘happiness’ wasn’t something manufactured and sold to us as a seemingly attainable standard of life, juuuuust outside of reach. I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back down to reality within the understanding that although I experience enjoyment- of my environment, with others, with animals, etc… I understand that happiness is not valid, as it is complete and blind disregard for the reality we all exist within, where if I were to claim happiness, it would be done in the face of children sold for sex, human being starving, and most of life struggling/suffering in some way. I understand that happiness will be a valid pursuit once practical solutions have been implemented and all are provided for equally, and until then, ‘happiness’ actually borders in sheer evil, as it denies the reality of those whose reality needs to be addressed the most, and places self’s internal experience as more important than addressing/considering/taking care of the more vulnerable life-forms that are in dire need of support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand that supporting myself will involve letting go of many habits that I like and make me 'happy', but which do not support me, and

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to go through the withdrawal from these habits/patterns that I have lived with and become so accustomed to and comfortable with.

I commit myself to stopping my habits in order that I may face those parts of myself that I am suppressing and denying through preoccupying myself instead with habits and 'happiness' as distractions from the reality of who/how/what I am/have been/have become.

I commit myself to letting go of the false 'happy-go-lucky' self that I have thus far accepted and allowed myself to exist as, in order to become an actual real individual that is aware of exactly what is going on within self, and the world, in order that I may align myself with self-change and global change to that which is best for all.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that the withdrawal I will go through when/as I pull myself out of my habits/'happiness' is something that I can in fact walk through and direct myself through and ‘survive’, and I commit myself to see/realize/understand that the those parts of me the fear ‘not surviving’ are the parts that will in fact end.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing habits to be who I am, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that walking out of habits is necessary, and that the experience that I go through each time I stop is not enjoyable, but is necessary and is the most beneficial thing I can do for myself. I walk myself through to self-direction within the understanding that I have walked myself through the withdrawal many times already, but unless I do it EVERY time, I will have to continue experiencing the cycle of participation/withdrawal, which causes MUCH unnecessary friction in my life/experience.

Happiness is not real, it is an internal energetic experience super-imposed on top of what is actually real/Here. Reality is being denied for the illlusion.

Entire series: Blog Series

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I will continue to write out self-commitments and self-corrective applications in my next blog.

Day 128- Organic Robot Programmed to Fail

Within this blog I am exploring and investigating the concept of pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ as a way of living, which so many of us do, but mostly to our own detriment (continued from this series: Blog Series- Becoming an Effective Student ). This topic was brought up in relation to the difficulties I experience while studying, wherein I have realized that over time, I have basically programmed myself, through a system of likes and dislikes, to want to give up and fail (easy way out= like), instead of fully commiting, applying myself and doing my best (difficult way= dislike). I have seen that this is not set in stone, likes and dislikes are choices, programmed over time through reptition of thoughts/words/deeds, mostly done in unawareness. Thankfully, this can be re-done, over time, in awareness, AS awareness, to actual real-time living Here.

Without fully investigating our likes and dislikes in order to understand 'what is this force that is driving us', we are essentially not the creators of our own lives and thus, not responsible for our thoughts, words and deeds. So what then is this force that is directing us, that we are accepting and allowing to act in our stead without even taking the time to understand how we created it, or even considering that it is in fact something created by ourselves.

In fully investigating these concepts and seeing, realizing and understanding how I have created ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’ and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by them, I empower myself to take myself back and become a creator of myself in presence and awareness. In this, I can take myself back from the influence of the endless forms of manipulation, both internal and external, in order to walk, step by step, into and as a human being that is Living for Real, Here, in Real Time, with all other beings that are Living Here Together, in consideration of one another. This can only start to work if we work together in equality and as a oneness with each other. Thus, I continue here with my process of walking out of the mind and into reality, by writing self-forgivenss and deriving self-commitments and self-corrective application therefrom:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ is any kind of way to live, especially considering I don’t even understand why I like certain things over others, and also because the things I like are usually the things that are the worst for me.

I commit myself to Live Here, in Reality, without the internal or external influences that activate within and as me as my mind and direct me according to a system of ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’ that I created/manifested/developed within/as me without any awareness, to the point that I would be living a life that is not best for me or in any way relevant for all.

When and as I see that my thoughts, words and/or deeds are being influenced by an internal or external ‘pull/ or ‘repulsion’ to/from certain things due to my experience of ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ to/towards that something, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that the repulsion/attraction is not taking into consideration what is best for me, nor the consequences the action/word/thought will have within my life or the world, and on top of that, the energetic experience of repulsion/attraction will most likely lead me to thoughts/words/deeds that are not beneficial but rather quite destructive towards myself and my world, if and when I accept and allow them to influence and direct myself and my living. Examples of such things are: attraction to sugar, unhealthy foods, smoking, wasting time, gossiping, etc… and repulsion towards: doing my studies, living the words I speak, eating healthy, exercising, waking up early to go to work, tending to responsibilities in my world, such as finances and legal documents/paperwork etc….

 

Within these examples I see that, I am attracted to everything that would be to my detriment if lived out over a lifetime, and the things I experience a repulsion towards are things that would benefit me if lived out over a lifetime. This goes to show that our automated minds do not have ourselves nor our worlds in our best interest. Therefore, this proves the importance of investigating the mind and stopping the judgments of likes and dislikes, and any and all judgments, thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, etc… that do not have the best interest of all at their source.

 

The process of self-forgiveness makes this possible, and creates space to re-program oneself to equality to what’s here, meaning- no repulsion or attraction, but rather a oneness to what’s here- all beings, nature, matter etc… so that we may direct ourselves in accordance to ways in which through living action over time, results that are best for all will be created and manifested as reality....

When I re-read over what I just wrote, I see within me a reaction to the words “to re-program”.
 

When I investigate these reactions I see that I have a negative judgment towards these words. But if I remove the judgment and look at the words for what they are, I see that this is so: we have minds that are programmable, no one would 'like' to hear this, but this has been proven over and over again in science, commonsense and simple observable daily living. I can see that my habits are actions and behaviours that have been programmed by myself into and as my living by repeating them over time.

 

So now, when decide I want to live new ‘habits’ and ‘patterns’, I experience resistances towards letting go of the old ones, and then difficulty in changing, or re-programming myself to incorporate the new. However, over time, the new habits and patterns become easier, as my mind adjusts to the re-programming that I have done in awareness, wherein I will have replaced eating junk with eating healthy; staying up late and sleeping in late with going to bed at a decent hour and waking up early and rested for work; writing myself out at night in blogs rather than watching television/movies/killing time before bed, etc….. Creating myself anew, becoming the author of a new script, a new program that will benefit me and one that I ensure will benefit those around me and the world, by simply treating others as I would want to be treated within and through living the principles of equality and oneness (EqualMoney.org)

 

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I will continue to write out self-commitments and self-corrective applications in my next blog.

 

Day 124- Pursuing Likes and Avoiding Dislikes Is Not Really Living

This blog continued from yesterday’s blog, and is part of a series in which I am taking apart the issues I experience that hold me back from being an effective student. For the entire series click Here.

 Written in italics (scroll down to see) are paragraphs from Day 122- I Am No Match For ME, which I am taking apart and deconstructing within this blog in order to find out what self-destructive patterns and habits are existent within me hidden in my own words. In this way, the written word becomes the key to unlocking the secrets of the self, in order to fully understand self ("Man, know thyself"), to empower myself to change.



 

It's interesting that the habits and patterns that I have thusfar accepted and allowed to exist within me, as me, are actually based in self-interest, but are also self-diminishing and self-destructive. Here I am pulling apert these habits and patterns that are getting in the way of my studies and being/becoming an effective student, but the by-product of this (and the main point) is to rid myself of the nature of existing only within/as self-interest, in order to re-create myself as a human being that is actually capable of caring, and of considering the fact that there is a whole wide world of peopl/beings/life 'out there' that is being disregarded.

Self-change is required so that we may each individuallly stand as the living change of that which we require to be to change the world. No matter how long it takes, it has to start somewhere, so might as well have it be us: our generation: this group of people that we are right now a part of, all existing Here at the same time on the same planet. Because, otherwise, what's the point of life, if not LIFE? All Life.

 

But first things first, step by step, we can only change at the pace of the breath of life.

 

 

 

Deoncstructing my words, finding the hidden self-interest: (for context, please read Day 122- I Am No Match For ME). The following question arose within my mind in relation to why I don't want to let go of certain things that keep me from being self-disciplined.

So what do I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what it the self-interest within/as this fear?

Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ (which really means laziness), the control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.

The self-interest inherent within all these things is giving up my time, as in “’my’ time”: The time that I take just for ‘me’ to do whatever ‘I’ want. But really, this is not true: it’s not what I want. What I (as the directive principle of me) want is to do my studies, to push myself to do the best I am able, to be able to direct myself to do something without losing an internal battle. So what is this ‘I’ that wants only to be lazy, to pursue ‘likes’ and avoid ‘dislikes’ according to some system of judgment about what is ‘likeable’ and what is ‘unlikeable’- a system of judgment of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ that actually diminishes me in so many ways, least of all is my grades- and a system of judgment that I have no recollection of creating, yet one that rules my life in so many ways? It is me. But it is not myself as life; it is myself as a very programmable mind which I have been programming in unawareness my whole life. Within and during this unawareness, my mind has run rampant with creating and directing me, to the point where I do not even really recognize myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and con myself that ‘what I want’ and what will ‘make me happy’ is being able to fuck off and ‘do whatever’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really want is a world where all life is supported, including me, and this involves me first supporting myself in every way, to prove to myself that such support is in fact possible, and then to do it, so that I become a living expression of it, wherein I can support others as myself, which is unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand that supporting myself will involve letting go of many habits that I like, but which do not support me, and

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to go through the withdrawal from these habits/patterns that I have lived with and become so accustomed to and comfortable with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become so accustomed to and comfortable with destructive habits and patterns that it seems scary and impossible to live without them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I will be and become if I let go of old habits and patterns to instead support myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing old habits and patterns of living that don’t support me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a system of judgment of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ to exist within and as me and direct me, even though I don’t even know when/how I created it, and even though I see it has a destructive/diminishing effect within/as/in my life.

It’s interesting because when I’m really honest with myself, I can see that the perception I have of myself is different than who I really am. This is obvious as I take at look back at my day every night, consider all the things I had set out to do (intention), and then seeing the things I had actually done. But who I Am does not exist within intention, who I really am as living actions is something different from my intentions. The actions that I actually live out are what are relevant, because that is the living expression of me and my participation in this world, as it is for all of us. THAT is what counts. So it’s quite a wakeup call when I see that my living expression/participation in this world is not even under my own control, as I set out to do things that I don’t end up doing, or I end up doing less well than I am able, thus putting up with a sub-standard version of myself. THAT is unacceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe Who I Am exists in my mind, as my perception of myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Who I Am as Life exists in my actions and words and the thoughts that reflect what I ACTUALLY do, not just who or what I THINK I do.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the reality of myself in complete and utter brutal self-honesty, wherein, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to thoughts and ideas I have of myself that make me seem better then who/what I really am ,so that I can actually live with myself, instead of being fed up with myself, which I should be, to the point that I change no matter what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that the fact that we don’t see ourselves clearly, the reality of ourselves, the reality of Who We Really are in complete and utter brutal self-honesty, allows each one of us to continue on living in ways which are less than who we really are, then we either make ourselves ‘seeeeeem’ better than that within and through our thoughts and feelings about ourselves, or we diminish ourselves to the point of disempowerment and giving up- either way- we allow ourselves to continue on without changing, day after day after day, until we wake up one day and we’re 40, 50, 60, 70…dead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not deal with what goes on inside me in every moment, until who I am without, as my external actions, words and deeds are an exact mirror of who I am within, and so that my without and within are aligned with a way of living that is supportive to Life, as all as one living organism, as equal individual parts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put up with a sub-standard version of myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look at myself, and who I really am in my living actions, I complete, utter and brutal self-honesty in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe, perceive I exist within and as my intentions, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is within my action that I am in any way relevant.

I react to this in frustration, but that is only yet another way to just let it keep happening. Because within that frustration exists statements like “this is just impossible,” “I can’t do this,” and “I give up” etc.. Thus really just making myself miserable because I’m accepting and allowing myself to continue by just giving up on myself, and not taking my power back and directing myself within self-discipline.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing frustration to exist within and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest frustration within and as me, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this frustration as an excuse why I can’t change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing frustration to overwhelm me in one moment, leading me to want to give up, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that frustration is not one bit necessary, as I am never frustrated when I am actively working towards practical solutions, I only become frustrated when I’m not moving myself, when the work I’m doing is impractical, when there is no defined solution, or when I’m falling in the face of resistances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not resolve the issues I face, as I face them, but to instead grow frustrated and blame events and things outside myself for why it is not working out, why I can’t focus/concentrate, why I don’t want to do it, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to use frustration as a reason, justification or excuse to give up on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever think that my frustration does not have myself as its source and solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use frustration to continue doing/being/living in a manner that is less than who I am (lack of understanding, lack of discipline/motivation/self-movement, lack of self-equality/equality with others, too much judgment etc, etc, etc…)

Self committments and self-correction to follow.

 

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Day 99- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really? (Layout)

This blog is continued from Day 93-My Name is Kim, and Day 94- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really?

Within this blog, I am looking at the first example of my name being spoken in a certain tonality, and that tonality having an actual effect on me and on ‘who I am’, instead of standing stable in every moment.
 
Background:

“the name I was given actually has an effect on Who I Am. So what does that mean? It means that Who I Am I terms of how I feel, what I do, how I act, how I react to people, how I interact- everything that makes me, everything that I thought I was the ‘boss’ of and ‘decision maker’ of, can actually be running itself based on the reactions I experience to things as seemingly simple and harmless as words, such as my name. These reactions bring up memories and thoughts,feelingsand emotionswhich are not necessarily of my choosing, it is almost as if it is automatic, as if it were a program. And if you think about it- it really is alike a program”

Here is the first example within which I will walk the process of deconstruction:

1) “Kim”- spoken with authority and certainty, in a ‘calling my attention’ ‘come here’ type way, or the ‘your next to see the principal’ or ‘come to the teacher’s desk’ –type scenario. Within this I always hear disappointment within the tonality.
The memory I have associated with this is in second grade. The teacher called me to her desk to review the math homework I had done. I walked up to her desk not really knowing what to expect-or expecting anything really. When I got there, all I remember is that eventually started getting really mad. She asked me what was wrong with me, why didn’t I ‘get it’, she said that she wasn’t a bad teacher so it was not her it was me. I was already really shy and had kids picking on me which I dealt with by closing up and trying to disappear, so when I realized at one point that I was going to start crying, and that the entire class was looking, I felt horrified and humiliated. It was a moment where I felt vulnerable and like I was being exposed to people who either did not care or would take pleasure in it. So when I hear my name called in this tone, I feel fear and disempowered, like, no matter how much I’ve built myself up, it can be knocked over in one moment by the person calling me over.

 I will call this tonality that of ‘disappointment’.

From here, I will self-honestly within me, in hearing the tonality as ‘disappointment, what thoughts/backchats/imaginations of EXPECTATION WITHIN MYSELF have I created in relationship to the other person in MY MIND as an personality that will thus respond when/as the person speak in a disappointed energy.

Because I would have over an extended period of time, created thought, imaginations, backchats towards a person within me as reacting to them in disappointment, and then when they speak in an disappointed energy, my name, this Personality of disappointment I created in my relationship to them will activate.

Thoughts:
 
1) This image or snapshot of someone looking me right in the eyes, about to tell me something I’ve done horribly wrong.
 
2) This image or snapshot of me in a waiting room.
 
3) The sight of my teacher’s face from my desk.
 
4) The lineup of chairs in front of the principal’s office, where students await their turn to talk to the principal.
 
Backchats/self-talk:
 
1) “Oh god, what’s he/she going to say”
 
2) “Don’t cry, brace yourself”
 
3) “what I did id none of his/her business”
 
4) “how dare he/she accuse me of any wrongdoing”
 
Imaginations:
 
1) I imagine myself walking past a bunch of people staring at me in a ‘walk of shame’-type scenario, where the people are all disappointed in me or feeling glad they’re not me.
 
2) I imagine myself standing up and trying to act all cool, but really feeling really self-conscious and being terrified of what I was about to walk into.
 
3) I imagine being face to face with someone, feeling closed-in and exposed and trapped because I would now have to face this disappointing thing I had done.
 
4) I imagine the person talking to me and me feeling like their every word is just pushing me down and like I’m taking a beating, holding back tears but feeling like if I cry then they have won.

In my next blog I will forgive and release the thought dimension of this tonality in relation to my name.

Day 86- Moving Forward, Missing the NOW

While I was talking to someone today, it was pointed out to me that I have the tendency to seek ‘forward motion.’ Within this tendency, I look for signs of accomplishments which would indicate to me that I am taking steps towards my goals, in order to have the experience of forward motion. For example, I’m job hunting at the moment, and it hasn’t even been a week, and I was talking about how I don’t have a job yet, and how I want to have the job NOW so that I can have ‘forward motion’ and be saving money and getting on with my big plans. The problem within this is that, I’m literally taking on this stance of constantly looking into the future and judging my current progress as if I’m looking back at myself. So I am , in my mind, waaaay ahead, looking back at me Here and being like, “common, catch up”. So instead of living in the one Here moment that is actually real, participating in my life with presences and awareness, I’m furiously rushing within myself to catch up to… myself.

When I go into this ‘mode’ or character, I experience myself as constantly ‘checking in’, judging my progress and getting pretty down on myself, as if I’m never doing enough. The consequence of this is and has been that I actually work less effectively than I am able. This is because every little task is already a failure, because it won’t get me tHere, because I can only ever be right Here, within my current experience.

In the next few blogs, I will wright out this character that is in a constant race from Here, in order to see how I created this experience for myself so that I can stop and change it. It’s going to be really interesting because, I can already feel I’m having many resistances towards really looking at this point. It is a very familiar pattern in my life, and it really hasn’t served me at all. It’s quite stressful and it makes me anxious. It also feels disempowering because in my mind I want to be tHere, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t get away from my current experience. It requires time and steps to work towards my goals, it can’t just happen like a fast food order- as I have been taught by media, technology and MacDonald’s. I need to slooooow down, and bring myself back to Here, and take each step with a firmly planted foot.

Day 69- Postponement Character Reactions

This is a continuation of my previous blogs:

Day 63- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-63-postponement-character.html

Day 64- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-64-postponement-character-self.html

Day 65- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/thisis-continuation-from-my-previous.html

Day 66- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-66-postponement-character-self.html

Day 67- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-67-postponement-character-reactions.html

and

Day 68- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-68-postponement-character-reactions_17.html

          One of the things I have the tendency to do it to do a quick ‘scan’ of my life, and think of all the big decisions I have to make, along with the ‘what if’s’ and possible play outs and the desires and fears associated with that. And then within this ‘scan’ I also think of the multitude of little details I have to take care of that are nagging at me, that I probably put off as a result of not effectively looking at/dealing with myself as the ‘postponement character’. This creates anxiety within me, usually right at the moment where I am applying myself at a task- that split second where I am making the decision to commit to the task- it is on that moment that my mind does the ‘quick scan’ which, when I allow, results in me becoming anxious and distracted and then I proceed as a less effective being doing a less-than-effective job, thus creating more loose ends, let-downs and lack of self-trust/self-movement.
          “It’s the little things that make it huge” (a quote from the movie Vanilla Sky). I remind myself of this quote because it is very true. One split second at just the right time can effectively sabotage me in a specific way over and over again and create difficult consequences in my life which- if I were to push through that split second of a moment (over and over as it happens often) if I were to just push through it and chose to fully commit to the task, my whole Life would change. I’m not saying this is the only thing that requires to be changed in my life (as is demonstrated in the MANY points I bring up in all my blogs), I’m saying that the little things that can be changed over time, create a huge change in one’s life over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in a split second, do a ‘quick scan’ of my life and, while I’m physically trying/attempting to apply myself towards something, my mind is subtly finding all the ‘loose ends’ in my life that I have not yet dealt with, and bringing them to the fore, wherein I become distracted and anxious and unable to fully commit all of me to the task at hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself in times of application, where I am effectively sabotaging myself within/as my mind, as I am physically attempting to push myself to apply myself and change the habits/peatterns within/as me that have ‘plagued’ me for so long. I see/realize/understand that this resistance is a resistance to change, and as I slow down within myself/my mind, I see/understand how it works and thus how to stop it, as follows:

When and as I see that I am beginning a task that pushes me to test my limits, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that I have the tendency to sabotage myself in these moments through doing a ‘quick scan’ of my life and bringing to the fore all the things I have left undone. I bring myself back to presence and awareness within the understanding that, in this moment I Am Able to remain focused, and if I push through this moment, I Will get through and be able to focus in full presence and awareness on the task at hand. I see/realize/understand that when/as I apply myself in this way, I will develop the actual self-trust and self-application that I require to live a life wherein I deal with the ‘loose ends’ as they arise, and eventually effectively prevent them from occurring in the first place. I commit myself to push myself to be diligent within my application of remaining Here while I work, within the understanding/realization that this is a new sensation and application of myself, thus it is a moment of uncertainty where I have thus far accepted/allowed my mind to take directive principle. Thus I commit myself to take back my power and Stand as the Decision to Be the Directive Principle of Myself, wherein I Decide, I take the wheel in my Life and I take the reins in every moment, knowing that at any sign of ‘weakness’ or uncertainty, my mind will be waiting to take it back as the comfort of old habits and patterns lingers as a CONvincing illusion of peace and rest. I know and am fully aware that abdicating Self to the mind in this way results in the opposite of peace and rest, but is rather and experience of prison, wherein Self has No Say in Who Self is or What Self Does in this Life, but rather sits back and drifts along as the consequences accumulate and slow self-destruction takes place daily. I say No.

Day 7- Moving

I'm moving back to a diffferent city. Within this I am expereiencing some fear: fear of the future (projecting into the future), fear of the unknown, fear of who I will be longterm within the new relationships I will be forming, and the emotions of leaving an environment I am comfortable in, where everthing is 'known' and already established.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future about what it’s going to be like to move by participating in memory-based fears of what is was like when I lived there/visited in the past, and who I was within that, thus projecting that into the future in a ‘worst case scenario’ perspective instead of realizing that I have changed, I have new skills, I am more stable and I can handle standing within who I am. I am working still on all these points and the upcoming events that are about to take place are more like opportunities for me to observe where I am at and what it is I’m still accepting and allowing within me where I lack the self-trust to transcend the fear of the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing an individual within addiction, it is not my responsibility and all I can do as stand stable within me and walk through the consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing individuals within my participation with Desteni, because I know I will have to take a stand and assert myself and discipline myself to do that which I have committed to doing. This is not about anyone but me and my commitment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I am going to be with friends and family long-term, because I have made the directive decision to change me, so I am projecting my fear of change onto them because I cannot hide my change from anyone, but rather I reflect it off of people in my world and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing myself within change and the unknown through my reflection off thse in my world and reality.

I realize why I have made this directive decision and that I will stick with it no matter what, thus, I walk step by step without fear in order to discover who I am within change, and who I am as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear leaving the comfort of my current environment which I have always known because it is already known, instead of realizing the limitations of remaining within the comfort and security of the ‘known’.

I allow myself to venture into the darkness of the unknown within the understanding that I will always have me to direct me, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to correct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the unknown with fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear leaving the comfort of the environment I’ve always known because I fear exposing myself to me in standing on my own without the crutches of comfort and security, instead of realizing that I don’t require crutches because I am walking already, and the only way I will become stronger and more stable is by continuing to walk through into the unknown, over and over until I realize that I am one with and equal to the unknown, therefor I am only walking into me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown as I fear the unknown parts of me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself. Instead, I commit myself to get to know all parts of me within the realization that only the ego fears to be exposed, because if it is exposed it will be revealed as a fraud/not real and I will end it. I commit to ending myself as ego, and instead birthing myself as life. Here, without fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the fear of my ego being exposed and ending, and I stand within and as that ego and expose me, to end myself as ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about leaving, the guilt is self-created, it’s only about me, it doesn’t serve me, and I can’t live my life by these limiting self-interested emotions of the mind instead of walking step by step within and as self-direction no matter what I am feeling.

I commit myself to walking Here as stability regardless of the self-limiting thoughts, feelings and emotions I manifest.

I commit myself to myself, to stand no matter who I am with or where I am.

I commit myself to fearlessly discover me, who I am and how far I push myself towards perfection within the practical limitations of physical reality.