Day 86- Moving Forward, Missing the NOW

While I was talking to someone today, it was pointed out to me that I have the tendency to seek ‘forward motion.’ Within this tendency, I look for signs of accomplishments which would indicate to me that I am taking steps towards my goals, in order to have the experience of forward motion. For example, I’m job hunting at the moment, and it hasn’t even been a week, and I was talking about how I don’t have a job yet, and how I want to have the job NOW so that I can have ‘forward motion’ and be saving money and getting on with my big plans. The problem within this is that, I’m literally taking on this stance of constantly looking into the future and judging my current progress as if I’m looking back at myself. So I am , in my mind, waaaay ahead, looking back at me Here and being like, “common, catch up”. So instead of living in the one Here moment that is actually real, participating in my life with presences and awareness, I’m furiously rushing within myself to catch up to… myself.

When I go into this ‘mode’ or character, I experience myself as constantly ‘checking in’, judging my progress and getting pretty down on myself, as if I’m never doing enough. The consequence of this is and has been that I actually work less effectively than I am able. This is because every little task is already a failure, because it won’t get me tHere, because I can only ever be right Here, within my current experience.

In the next few blogs, I will wright out this character that is in a constant race from Here, in order to see how I created this experience for myself so that I can stop and change it. It’s going to be really interesting because, I can already feel I’m having many resistances towards really looking at this point. It is a very familiar pattern in my life, and it really hasn’t served me at all. It’s quite stressful and it makes me anxious. It also feels disempowering because in my mind I want to be tHere, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t get away from my current experience. It requires time and steps to work towards my goals, it can’t just happen like a fast food order- as I have been taught by media, technology and MacDonald’s. I need to slooooow down, and bring myself back to Here, and take each step with a firmly planted foot.

Day 7- Moving

I'm moving back to a diffferent city. Within this I am expereiencing some fear: fear of the future (projecting into the future), fear of the unknown, fear of who I will be longterm within the new relationships I will be forming, and the emotions of leaving an environment I am comfortable in, where everthing is 'known' and already established.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future about what it’s going to be like to move by participating in memory-based fears of what is was like when I lived there/visited in the past, and who I was within that, thus projecting that into the future in a ‘worst case scenario’ perspective instead of realizing that I have changed, I have new skills, I am more stable and I can handle standing within who I am. I am working still on all these points and the upcoming events that are about to take place are more like opportunities for me to observe where I am at and what it is I’m still accepting and allowing within me where I lack the self-trust to transcend the fear of the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing an individual within addiction, it is not my responsibility and all I can do as stand stable within me and walk through the consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing individuals within my participation with Desteni, because I know I will have to take a stand and assert myself and discipline myself to do that which I have committed to doing. This is not about anyone but me and my commitment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I am going to be with friends and family long-term, because I have made the directive decision to change me, so I am projecting my fear of change onto them because I cannot hide my change from anyone, but rather I reflect it off of people in my world and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing myself within change and the unknown through my reflection off thse in my world and reality.

I realize why I have made this directive decision and that I will stick with it no matter what, thus, I walk step by step without fear in order to discover who I am within change, and who I am as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear leaving the comfort of my current environment which I have always known because it is already known, instead of realizing the limitations of remaining within the comfort and security of the ‘known’.

I allow myself to venture into the darkness of the unknown within the understanding that I will always have me to direct me, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to correct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the unknown with fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear leaving the comfort of the environment I’ve always known because I fear exposing myself to me in standing on my own without the crutches of comfort and security, instead of realizing that I don’t require crutches because I am walking already, and the only way I will become stronger and more stable is by continuing to walk through into the unknown, over and over until I realize that I am one with and equal to the unknown, therefor I am only walking into me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown as I fear the unknown parts of me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself. Instead, I commit myself to get to know all parts of me within the realization that only the ego fears to be exposed, because if it is exposed it will be revealed as a fraud/not real and I will end it. I commit to ending myself as ego, and instead birthing myself as life. Here, without fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the fear of my ego being exposed and ending, and I stand within and as that ego and expose me, to end myself as ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about leaving, the guilt is self-created, it’s only about me, it doesn’t serve me, and I can’t live my life by these limiting self-interested emotions of the mind instead of walking step by step within and as self-direction no matter what I am feeling.

I commit myself to walking Here as stability regardless of the self-limiting thoughts, feelings and emotions I manifest.

I commit myself to myself, to stand no matter who I am with or where I am.

I commit myself to fearlessly discover me, who I am and how far I push myself towards perfection within the practical limitations of physical reality.