Day 257 - Chasing Life Instead of Living Life

What does it mean to ‘chase life’ rather than to ‘live life’?

For me it involved goals: academic goals, relationship goals, location goals, career goals, family goals and so on.

I would create a goal for myself and then figure out a path to get there, and I would walk that path, adjusting along the way. For me, at the time, this was sufficient and the 'right' way to 'fully live life', because I was accomplishing the things I set out to do.

The ‘chasing’ comes in when I would project the goal into the future, and then project ‘who I would be’ when I got there, thinking and believing that my self-experience would change once I accomplished the goal.

The thing is, when I would complete the goal, I would still inevitably be the same person. I would have the same insecurities, the same uncertainties, and I also noticed that new insecurities and uncertainties would open up once the goal was reached, as the habit and pattern of participation into such things in my mind still existed.

It is humbling to look back over the past decade and realize that throughout all my accomplishments, all the effort and hard work, I was missing one huge, important main ingredient: SELF HERE.

I never focused on sinking into my own skin, integrating into my environment, and establishing a foundation of self wherever I was, because I was always moving, changing directions, living places temporarily, keeping only one foot in the present moment and another foot in the future projection: constantly chasing ideas as future goals. 

The consequence of this is that there is little to no SELF (who I am, as I am RIGHT NOW) in the goals, there is only a projected version of ‘who I will become then’, only once I get there, as if the walking of the path and the attaining of the goal was the most important defining action that would shape and create me.

My first reaction to this realization was that I had been doing it all wrong and now I am back at square one, but these actions or elements of the process of self-creation are essential ingredients, and all is not lost. Along the way, I self-introspected, gained self-understanding and awareness, developed skills and qualities that I now have and cannot be taken away. I also gained work experience, degrees, certifications and money, which can serve me now and in the future.

What I was missing was a solid foundation of ‘self here’. Self Here meaning, the understanding and realization that I can be fully whole, fulfilled and present in the Here/Now moment, that I belong here, wherever I am, simply because it is where I have placed myself in awareness. I created a path, and I am walking it – I don’t have to wait to attain something or accomplish anything in order to develop these things, I have everything I need to build my SELF right here and right now, wherein everything that I am not satisfied with or that I want to develop can only happen right here, right now in the present moment wherever I am. And it is not only possible, but rather absolutely essential that I do so, otherwise I will never become the potential I see, because I had placed it in the future, in a job, in a location, at a certain salary and with a certain life.

To be continued in my next blog….

ReDefining 'Projection' - 21 Days of Words with Osho - Day 1

I am looking at re-defining and living words by pulling Osho cards for 21 days as a way to choose my words. I take insights from the card, and then look at the word in my own life, in terms of how I have been living it, what the correction is, and how I can move from here on out in such a way that I can live the words in a way that is best for all. The word card for today will be 'projection'. This is day 1 of 20.

This card is depicting two people looking at each other, but not seeing each other for real. We very rarely look at and see each other for real, with our 'vision' of each other being veiled by our own expectations, judgments, fears and desires. We project this on to each other, creating our own virtual realities, with all the people in our lives becoming only projections of ourselves, of all the things we have not taken self-responsibility for. I have done this, and continue to do it to this day, and this card I pulled today is a good reminder of a skill that I know I have, that I have developed with awareness, and that I know how to apply in every moment of my life. That skill is 'taking it back to self', where I have proven to myself through self-introspection, writing and self-forgiveness, that everything I have ever projected, every judgment I have ever had, has always been about me, and I have always had the ability to take the steps required to sort it out and bring it back to myself, placing my power and the power to see reality for real, squarely in my own hands. I have had this ability, but that does not mean I have always practiced it, and when I have, it doesn't mean it always went smoothly. I have gone into reactions, blame, anger, frustration and all sorts of other emotional states that seemed so real and so justified, only to lead to arguments, fighting and me feeling even more powerless and hurt than before. I think if one doesn't step-in in their own life and take self-responsibility, it is possible to live a life of endless arguments, projection, resent and creating more and more icy cold distance between self and those that one loves the most. With the ups and downs of fighting and making amends, this cycling can make it seem and feel like there is progression, forward motion and evolution within a relationship/friendship/family relation, and this can be called 'life' and 'living'. But the reality is that it is actually an endless repeating cycle that is going nowhere, when the truth is that this time can be spent actually getting to know one another for real. This time can be spent developing real trust, understanding and intimacy in relationships. When we are able to look and not project, but see each other for real, we can develop a true compassion and respect for those closest to us. We can support them and be supported by them, we can be profoundly moved by the reality of others when we go to that place of truly understanding all of them, where they stand and what they are going through. The most effective way I have found to clear up projection is communication. Communication where I either express myself clearly, or, if I am clear within myself, I reach out and ask the other for clarity. Simply explaining self, without blame, projection of ulterior motive, and then asking the other where they stand and what they are/were going through can change ones self-fabricated reality of projection into the real reality we all share, where each one has a perspective and experience unique to them. This does not mean one is either right or wrong, it means taking the responsibility to step up and find out where each one is at, and then move from there instead of moving in the secrecy of one's own mind only. From developing clarity and standing in the actual reality of where each one is at, one can support oneself to clear up the reason and source of the projection one had in the first place. This is what I have lived so far, but where and how will I move forward with the word 'projection' in my life? Re-Defining 'Projection': Within this word I hear the words 'project' and 'shun', where. within projecting we are literally shunning others in our life and world. I will change this to 'project inclusion' as the way I will live this word from now on. This is a full-time living, which is a full-time practice, wherein, when and as I see myself projecting onto others, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that there is an issue within me that requires my attention and direction. If I don't sort it out, it will eat at me and deteriorate the relationship I have with the person towards whom I am projecting, and I cannot stand for living like that. I take a stand and use my redefinition of the word 'projection' as 'project-inclusion', to share myself and to include the other person's reality into the way I am perceiving the situation. I can do this by stabilizing myself, expressing/explaining/clarifying myself, and/or reaching out to the other for further clarity and understanding. This is a full-time living redefinition, a step in the process toward real self-change, where living this re-definition becomes me and my living, where I become it as my new normal - a process to walk in 2018 and beyond. For more insight into re-defining and living words, check out: Redefining Words with SOUL

Day 98- Pain Subsiding

This is a continuation from days 96 and 97, wherein I am writting through the pain I recently experienced, which is still somewhat here, with the support from this article, excerpts of which are written in italics.

Anxiety Strain Fear Uncertainty Judgment Resistance

 

“Also, I suggest to have a look where and with whom, specifically within your world, you are still accepting / allowing you to react to, specifically related to the words mentioned above and apply self forgiveness accordingly. With each person you look at the following questions:

Why am I reacting towards this being? What do they represent to which I am reacting? What within them have I not yet accepted within me? What within them do I react to which I have not yet dealt with within me?

And so you answer the questions for yourself and apply self forgiveness. Then, you 'test' your self forgiveness application in their presence. If you still react, the self forgiveness is not specific and direct enough. And so you continue until you no longer react to human beings when you're in their presence.

Realize that they are you assisting and supporting you to show you where specific self application is still required.”

 “

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anxiety towards a being because I have equated this person to my effectiveness, yet this person, as all people, reflect back to me all the ways in which I am not yet effective, thus, each and every person will show me/give me opportunities to see myself and that which I have not yet faced/dealt with, so that I may do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in strain towards a being because I believe/perceive that I am responsible for this person’s process and self-realization, instead of realizing that each one can only do so for self within and as self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as fear towards a being due to my participation in my secret mind which I fear being exposed/called out/held responsible for, instead of taking self-responsibility to stop the thoughts that are not equal and one with life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as uncertainty toward a being because there is so much that I would like to express and ask but I haven’t yet because I’ve been waiting for the ‘right time’, only to realize there might not be a ‘right time’ for certain things, while other things require patience as well as diligence and a commitment to myself to sort out within my relationship to this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as judgment to/towards a being, instead of speaking common sense in the opportune moments, and/or bringing the judgment back to self when necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as resistance to a being when and as I feel fear to speak up for myself because of the possibility of conflict, instead of taking a moment to stop, and breathe and speak from a starting point of oneness and equality as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards a being because they represent the belief I hold that change is not possible, it’s too hard and I am unable to be the diligence, commitment and patience I require to be with/for myself within this process of self-change, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that throughout this entire process, all I have ever done is constantly and continuously proven to myself that change IS possible, but that it is not instant, it requires building myself up as the patience, diligence and to stand within and as the commitments I make to/for/with myself, which is also a process, and one that I am willing to walk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because they represent my former ideologies that this world is doomed, humanity is doomed and there is no point to our existence, and if anyone tries to fool me into believing there is a point and that humanity is not doomed, then I would react within anger and disbelief, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Life is the point of Life, and I will only ever view it as ‘doomed’ so long as I view myself as ‘doomed’- and that I will only view myself as ‘doomed’ if I know I will never challenge myself to change, and within this, seeing/realizing/understanding that I in fact have challenged myself to look at my human nature and change it, and have only shown myself that change is possible, and another way of Life is possible, and that each one only ever ‘dooms’ oneself by existing within and as the limitations of beLIEfs without ever actually moving self to prove to oneself what is ACTUALLY possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because I see that person living out the same patterns over and over without taking a step back and looking at themselves and what they are doing/not doing to perpetuate seemingly endless cycles of self-abuse, instead of looking at myself and seeing where I need to take a step back in order to see where I am still participating in seemingly endless cycles of self-abuse, and then calling myself out, stopping, and changing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because the being is representing the life I used to live, wherein I identified with certain things and believed they were Life, that they were ‘really living’, wherein, now I see differently, and I see within my reaction to this being that I still have not let go of the value and importance I have placed on certain things from my ‘old life’- things which never got me anywhere, which were self-destructive and which were but a distraction keeping me from facing myself  in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the belief that drinking, partying and going out to bars and getting wasted are ‘what living is all about’, because I see, realize and understand that these things never got me anywhere, were only ever self-destructive, and were but a distraction keeping me from facing myself Here. Self-expression, enjoyment and REAL living DO NOT require alcohol, in fact, drinking alcohol and getting drunk are the opposite of living as it is the manifestation of self-defeat.

 

 

Day 57- Am I But a Reactive Child Trapped in a Woman's Body?

I was helping my mom clean up after dinner, and she was very tired. I wanted to be a help within what I was doing, as I saw she was observably tired. Within self-honesty, I saw I was looking for appreciation, so when my mom instead gave me some instructions, I reacted within myself. I felt very angry, but pushed it down and breathed, and followed her instructions, which were about how to put leftovers in a container. I find, even as a grown woman, I sometimes react as a child within myself when and as I am in the presence of parental figures. This is obviously ridiculous and not beneficial to me or anyone in any way whatsoever, so I am going to write out this experience to find the root cause, in order to uproot it from within and as myself, so that I can grow from new roots which I decide myself, instead of roots grounded in years of childish reactions, suppressions, self-programming, memories, emotions and feelings etc… Herein, I have discovered another character that I play, that of the ‘child.’ Within and as this character I am dependent, needy of validation and approval from parental figures, I am extremely sensitive to the behaviours of parental figures as I interpret them as always having to do with me- thus taking them personally as I interpret them this way and that, thus sending myself on a rollercoaster ride of reactions when and as I am in the presence of any such parental figures.

Keeping in mind- this has nothing to do with my actual mom/parents/people. My writing here is concerned only with the perception I have created over time, as I experienced myself as a child right through till this very moment. This perception is based on my own interpretation of behaviours situations and events, which, as will be revealed within the following writing, has nothing to do with the actual reality, and has only to do with what I have accepted and allowed within my own mind, which happened to be revealed to me in a simple situation with my mom, one that did not merit any type of reaction, but a reaction came up from within me- thus I know it is an illusion ithat has influenced me and it has to be investigated.

Identifying the trigger points:

Trigger-point 1: voice tonality

Trigger-point 2: giving of instructions on/about a task

Trigger-point 1: Voice tonality

Reactions:

The following reactions are self-projections, wherein I am projecting myself on to a parental figure instead of taking responsibility for myself in the moment. This will be elaborated upon in the next two posts. For now I reveal what it is I am projecting on to another being by writing out my back chat, in order that I may, in the next two posts, take it back to myself so that I can take responsibility for it and stop projecting- rather taking self-responsibility in each moment.

Reaction A:  Anger. Thought: The person is not paying attention to what they are saying to me. If he/she were more aware of how she/he speaks to me/what he/she says to me she/he would realize that I am no longer a child in need of constant instruction.

Reaction B: Annoyance. Thought: The person is on auto pilot- not present with me

Reaction C:  Frustration. Thought: The person is trying to ‘help’ me complete a task by offering unneeded instructions with a lack of awareness, instead of actually assisting and supporting me in ways which consider the reality of the situation.

Reaction D:  Anger. Thought: as my creator he/she should apply him-/herself to the utmost to be present and aware with me, and do everything in his/her power to support me to empower myself and grow.

Reaction E: Anger, Thought: The person sounds so sleepy, like he/she just wants to go to bed, yet feels he/she has to help me clean up, instead of taking care of him-/herself and going to bed, exerting his-/herself to instruct me, as if I can’t do it on my own. He/She is putting his-/herself last and placing being responsible for others else before his/her own wellbeing.

 

Trigger-point 2:  The giving of instructions on/about a task.

Reactions: 

Reaction F:  Anger: Thought: She always gives me instructions, which make me feel undermined as she makes the statement that she does not believe I can do it on my own.

Reaction G:  Anger: Thought: She doesn’t see my as an adult, my accomplishments and capabilities, she must see me as a child requiring instruction for even the smallest things.

Reaction H:  Resent: Thought: She does not appreciate what I’m trying to do for her in terms of helping out around the house, instead she feels as though I shouldn’t help and she should do everything and be responsible for everything.\

...
Self-forgiveness statements to follow in the next post...

Day 9 - Saying Hello

The most important thing that I’ve learned from having experienced 30 ‘new years’ is that a specific moment or event does not wipe the slate clean and allow one for a new beginning or ‘fresh start.’ I moved home yesterday. I’ve been gone for two years away at school, and now after all that time, I’m back.  I came back for three months in the summer last year, when I was all full of hope and ideas of new beginnings and fresh starts because I was all excited about ‘who I was going to be’ this time, and how I had changed and how everything would be different. Well, that didn’t happen. My bullshit was waiting for me there, like a stalker waiting patiently for its unsuspecting prey, it pounced on me the moment the initial excitement of being back home left and the reality of me, of who I am, settled back in. This leads me to the topic of today’s pattern: saying hello.

When I say hello to people who I’m meeting for the first time, sometimes I project into the future about the wonderful friendship I will have with them, the friendship I always dreamed of, and I just get a feel that maybe this will happen with this person. Or with moving; I love moving- changing apartments, changing cities, states, countries- because of the false perception I’ve created where I feel as though I have a new chance at a fresh start, as if I can run away from my problems, or from myself.

This dd not happen this time, because I decided not to delay the inevitable by participating in the energetic excitement of ‘fresh starts’ and ‘new beginnings’. I fell back into my personality that I created here immediately and the familiarity of the struggles and battles that occurred within me daily two years ago were right here with me, because, obviously, they were never gone. Its only day one and I already resisted getting up in the morning, getting ready for the da, I went online for too long, I procrastinated on getting out to do my errands, unpacking and organizing my life here, and I became overwhelmed by all the things I have to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that when I am starting something new, that I can forget about who and what and how I am and have become as a human being and ‘start fresh’ without identifying, stopping and changing all the patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in that have created me as I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe or perceive that I can ‘clean my slate’ by changing locations or starting new endeavors, without fully considering the entirety of who, what and how I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe or perceive that I can so easily change, and that I can avoid facing me, or hide from myself by simply moving, doing something new or meeting new people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need or desire to escape me and to not have to face and work through all the bullshit I have carried with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need or desire to abdicate my responsibility to myself by hiding or running away from myself, thus abdicating my responsibility to Life and by trying to find a ‘way out’ or a back door I can slip through and escape from, instead of realizing the simple truth that I cannot run away or hide from myself, and every time I try to I actually undermine any progress I may have made towards self-change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing me, and to resist working throu my bullshit as my baggage that I have created and manifested for myself throughout a life-time of not taking responsibility, instead of realizing that I am Here, and I’m not going anywhere so I might as well stop the games and start living for real, which begins by stepping up and exposing me to myself in order to stop and change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize energetic projections into the future to a future person or place I want to be without considering who I actually am and what it will take to get there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future a ‘me’ that is carefree, fun-loving, expressive, fearless and uninhibited and organized, instead of realizing myself as who and what I am, wherein I struggle with suppression, I often fear self-expression, I feel constantly inhibited by fear, shyness, embarrassment and judgment and I often struggle to get the basic life-stuff organized into an effective pattern of consistency.

Within this pattern of projecting, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by setting myself up for failure by projecting something that will take a process to get to, as if it is that easy to change the nature of who I am without first getting to know who I am, why I am, where I am and how I am. Until I know me completely, I will not be able to be fully Here, because there will always be a hidden part of me waiting to pounce on me in unsuspecting moments that will undermine me until I have faced me in my entirety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize and imagine what it would be like to be a different person, to experience myself as some ideal I have created instead of coming to terms with me Here, and walking with myself through space and time as I assist and support myself to let go, work through and expose me Here.

I commit myself to myself, the self that I am Here, to walking with myself through my manifested consequences until I am known in my entirety so that I may be able to be Here with the rest of humanity in this reality instead of in my head as a future projection that does not exist.

I commit myself to working towards self-change Here, where I actually am, within the realization that I cannot run from me, and that a new situation or place does not automatically grant me a ‘fresh start; but rather every breath I take is a fresh start as a starting point for me to start, and to keep starting until I’m done

Day 7- Moving

I'm moving back to a diffferent city. Within this I am expereiencing some fear: fear of the future (projecting into the future), fear of the unknown, fear of who I will be longterm within the new relationships I will be forming, and the emotions of leaving an environment I am comfortable in, where everthing is 'known' and already established.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future about what it’s going to be like to move by participating in memory-based fears of what is was like when I lived there/visited in the past, and who I was within that, thus projecting that into the future in a ‘worst case scenario’ perspective instead of realizing that I have changed, I have new skills, I am more stable and I can handle standing within who I am. I am working still on all these points and the upcoming events that are about to take place are more like opportunities for me to observe where I am at and what it is I’m still accepting and allowing within me where I lack the self-trust to transcend the fear of the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing an individual within addiction, it is not my responsibility and all I can do as stand stable within me and walk through the consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing individuals within my participation with Desteni, because I know I will have to take a stand and assert myself and discipline myself to do that which I have committed to doing. This is not about anyone but me and my commitment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I am going to be with friends and family long-term, because I have made the directive decision to change me, so I am projecting my fear of change onto them because I cannot hide my change from anyone, but rather I reflect it off of people in my world and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing myself within change and the unknown through my reflection off thse in my world and reality.

I realize why I have made this directive decision and that I will stick with it no matter what, thus, I walk step by step without fear in order to discover who I am within change, and who I am as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear leaving the comfort of my current environment which I have always known because it is already known, instead of realizing the limitations of remaining within the comfort and security of the ‘known’.

I allow myself to venture into the darkness of the unknown within the understanding that I will always have me to direct me, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to correct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the unknown with fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear leaving the comfort of the environment I’ve always known because I fear exposing myself to me in standing on my own without the crutches of comfort and security, instead of realizing that I don’t require crutches because I am walking already, and the only way I will become stronger and more stable is by continuing to walk through into the unknown, over and over until I realize that I am one with and equal to the unknown, therefor I am only walking into me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown as I fear the unknown parts of me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself. Instead, I commit myself to get to know all parts of me within the realization that only the ego fears to be exposed, because if it is exposed it will be revealed as a fraud/not real and I will end it. I commit to ending myself as ego, and instead birthing myself as life. Here, without fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the fear of my ego being exposed and ending, and I stand within and as that ego and expose me, to end myself as ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about leaving, the guilt is self-created, it’s only about me, it doesn’t serve me, and I can’t live my life by these limiting self-interested emotions of the mind instead of walking step by step within and as self-direction no matter what I am feeling.

I commit myself to walking Here as stability regardless of the self-limiting thoughts, feelings and emotions I manifest.

I commit myself to myself, to stand no matter who I am with or where I am.

I commit myself to fearlessly discover me, who I am and how far I push myself towards perfection within the practical limitations of physical reality.