Relationships as Religion

 

 

In Osho’s book ‘The Magic of Self-Respect’, he explains how birth is the first death we experience, where we cross a great divide into the unknown. How we have to leave a world we have become comfortable in, safe, taken care of – and this leaving is forced, it is not by choice or by volition. We then spend our lives creating (or trying to create) a new life where we experience again a little comfort, a little security, we “carve out a little corner of the world” for ourselves and call it home. And then after having spent a lifetime creating it, we are met again with another great divide – another forced leap into the unknown.

Within all of this, according to Osho there is one ingredient that makes the difference between a believer in God and a non-believer, and that ingredient is FEAR. Osho had an atheist as a grandfather and a theist as a father, and so he always had the two to observe, to compare and contrast what they believed in, what they spoke and what they actually lived in fact. His grandfather claimed an absence of fear and thus no need for a god. Until his dying breath, he never called upon a god to save him - from what? He had lived fully, done nothing wrong, had nothing to pay for in the end, and was simply ready to pass on to whatever came next with no concern as to what that could be.

The religious men around Osho, on the other hand, prayed and chanted for hours a day, asking for protection – protection from what? Osho observed only many instances of fear.  Fear was always at the root, at the core and the starting point of religious beliefs and actions.  

I am not however, here to write a book report. I am here to share my own, personal realization I had from reading the first parts of this book, and how even though I have never defined myself as religious, I have used ideas and beliefs in the same ways the devoutly religious do in the book in terms of comforting self with a belief in a god - I saw how we are capable of creating a ‘religion’ out of other ideas - repressing fear with beliefs not necessarily related to the idea of God or divinity, but rather exalting ordinary things not normally deified, creating a personalized religion inside of self to cling to, adhere to, to abandon self for.

“the moment you think of dropping the idea of God, fear comes up. It is a simple indication that with the rock of the idea of God, you are repressing fear; so the moment you remove the rock, the fear springs up.”

What ideas serve as these rocks for me? For you? These ideas which, if removed from your life, will uncover a hidden (or not-so-hidden) well of fear?

There is one paragraph in particular which helped me to identify what I have ben living as a ‘god’ or ‘religion’ in my life, it is as follows:

“You asked for God to be invented because you could not live alone.

You were incapable of facing life, its beauties, its joys, its sufferings, its anguishes. You were not ready to experience them on your own without anybody protecting you, without somebody being an umbrella to you. You asked for God out of fear.”

This hit me like that rock, I felt it hard, as if it were speaking to the depths of me when it comes to how I have lived within my definition and belief of RELATIONSHIPS in my life. And it was not until I deliberately and painstakingly began removing this construct from my life that I began to see the fear it was repressing.

And it has to be deliberate, because relationships, as they currently exist in our society, are omnipresent. It is a construct that exists that is taught to us from our birth, as we are born into them much like one would be born into a religion and know nothing else. The construct is fed and impulsed to us from every direction, including religion. Every media outlet will sell to us ‘relationships’, it even has its own market share, and it is weaved into the fabric or our society through marriage, laws and legal contracts. I would say, the religion of ‘relationships’ is more pervasive than the godly or spiritual religions that exist today, because even atheist and non-believers are still susceptible to hiding from their fear in relationships.

I made a decision one and a half years ago to no longer participate in the construct of ‘relationship’, and decided instead to enter into an Agreement. In an agreement, there is no hiding. There is no game playing, no hierarchy, no manipulation, no control, no room for feelings and emotions, and there is no morality. This essentially has turned everything I have lived and understood upside-down.

It may sound like chaos, with nothing giving direction or holding the partnership in place, because we automatically assume that taking away one thing means replacing it with it’s opposite: without the game-playing there is boredom, without hiding there is only shame and judgment for who we really are in our minds towards each other, without hierarchy there is only conflict, without manipulation there is no fidelity. Without control there is no fulfillment, without feelings and emotions there is nothing but a void, without morality there is no consideration, and so on… but this is not the case at all, because it is only looking at what an Agreement isn’t, or how it is NOT a relationship, instead of looking at what it IS, how it is something that stands independent of the construct of relationship.

An Agreement stands upon principles – doing what is best for all involved. It stands upon commitment, regardless of feelings and emotions. It stands upon holding the best of someone and not letting go of that, even while they walk through their worst. Within this, it stands upon patience, trust, and integrity. An Agreement stands upon accountability and taking self-responsibility – which leaves no space for hiding, for victimization or for blame. It embraces the fact that each individual is a Whole, not requiring to be fulfilled by another. An Agreement stands as ‘two or more’ in the name of the principles agreed upon.And most of all, an Agreement stands upon FORGIVENESS - Forgiveness of Self and the Other as Self. And here I am talking about REAL forgiveness; the kind where you can in one moment drop the past and give each other a blank slate. Start fresh. Start over. Not even one trace of the past or an emotional reaction to it must exist in the minds of everyone involved.

Importantly – an Agreement is created in awareness, and not something blindly fallen into like love, falling in love, blind love. This is because we are in fact broken people coming from a broken system, beaten down by survival, dominated by authority, brainwashed by school, media and culture, emotionally underdeveloped and reactive, and our personalities are deeply rooted in so much fear. This is why you cannot ‘fall’ into an agreement. It is deliberate, it is worked on, it is seen through to the end, despite the discomforts or unbearable points we may face when stripping away the ideas that have kept us safe (from ourselves!) for as long as we can remember.

And it is this ‘stripping away’ of the idea of relationship that exposed to me the hidden fear I had – and not only the hidden fear, but what had become of me over time because of and due to living with this fear. And it is important to note that the truths of me that I exposed to myself were never visible to the naked eye. On the surface, I have been a very independent woman, having worked in careers, supported others financially, travelled across the world by myself, thrived after a divorce, aced my way through university later in life – everything I could have defined as ‘independent’ and ‘fulfilled’, I had done it.

But what I didn’t see until I really dropped the idea of ‘relationship’, was that even while I was alone and feeling independent, unstoppable, empowered: I still caried with me the faith, the belief that one day, I would get my perfect relationship. It was as though one is floating on clouds of hope, keeping one elevated just above the reality of self. The belief that, I am alone right now, but will not be forever.  I will not ever really have to peak under this cloud to see what I have become over the years. I will not have to admit I have been avoiding my fears while busy contorting myself into things that I am not in order to secure relationships; placing the ‘eventual perfect relationship’ as my starting point, essentially disregarding myself and not exploring Who I Am, but rather, who must I be to get into heaven?

“You can either be a person who is a coward, afraid, ready to submit, surrender, a person who has himself no dignity, no respect for his own being – or you can be fearless.”

…needless to say, I have not been entirely fearless. Not at all.

So, what happened as I stripped away the comfort, security, the exalted nature I held of the idea of relationships? I sank deeply into the reality of me – that which I feared - into the void that was there which I had never filled for myself, the parts of me I had abandoned and neglected, thinking and believing it was someone else’s job to tend to.

My demons came out as I tried to escape the reality of me, looking for someone, something to blame, to make it better, feeling as though this had all been done ‘unto’ me by some hand other than my own. I faced the aloneness that existed within me – that utterly alone feeling that drives one to God… or in my case to dance clubs and bars, dating sites and lovely fantasies. That emptiness that comes up from time to time, that motivates you to pray to something outside yourself, or in my case to look my best and go out into the world as an eligible individual, looking to meet her ‘other half’.

Relationship had become my god, my religion with which I covered up my fear of being alone, the emptiness I felt when things that should be enjoyed were not able to be enjoyed, or pain and sorrow seemed too painful to bear by myself. So, yes, it looks entirely different. But if you break it down and look at how we use it, any idea, belief, or construct can be used as one uses a religion or belief in God. It’s only when the fact of the matter (the truth of the Self in the Flesh) is realized and known that one can open one’s eyes to be able to see through the veil of religion, and it’s only through actually DOING it, LIVING it for real that the truth can be fully exposed. The truth of Self exposed to Self– there is no one else involved here.

Interestingly, what I had discovered through walking an Agreement, and a very unique one at that, was that the personal hell I discovered inside myself, the one I had buried, hid and feared, was entirely emotional (not a real, physical hell, not real pain) – because the reality of the situation was that I was not in fact alone – I was in an agreement. All the physical supports and structures are here. Everything I could ask for is Here – just not the participation in the emotions, feeling, conflict, drama, love, attachment, manipulations, control and everything else we do to keep a hold of another person, instead of just standing unconditionally there, Here with them no matter what.

Within this, I can emphasize and relate to those who begin to question or even give up on their gods, and how that can be a painful process. I can also now understand how people can be and become so devout, unwavering, defensive and protective of their religions and their gods. I understand how it is all based in fears – a unique array specifically designed by and for the individual.

Within this, I can admit that I have been devout. I have exalted something outside myself above myself and then submitted to it. I have been a coward in the face of life, and ran away afraid, surrendering my personal power to another, and built a false power on top of a faulty foundation, compromising my dignity, my self-respect for my own being, in believing I required another to do or be something for me.

I only slowly realized what Osho meant when he said:

“If the fear comes up, you have to face it; it is in no way going to help you to cover it with the idea of god”.

So now I am busy facing my lifetime of fears, using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitments. Relationship systems and constructs had been programmed quite deeply into me by me, by my upbringing, by my culture and my family, by media and television and social circles. Questioning and letting go of something at this level involves shaking foundational parts of self, as self was created on top of this belief system as if it were fact, unmovable, unchangeable. It has, at times, felt like the entirety of me is being shaken, where it feels like there is nothing left of self to hold on to. Yet with breath and breathing, forgiveness and self-change, I have seen that there is always something of me to come back to. And until I am back Here completely, unwaveringly, unshakably, in the physical – I walk, breath by breath, step by step, re-creating myself as I go. Falling, getting up, repeating mistakes, facing the pain and the fear, realizing what is real and what is not. Realizing so much about the mind and how it functions – seeing more and more through the veils based on one point that extends into many other points, moving back to the title of the book that started of the blog, and rediscovering the Magic of Self-Respect.

 

What is Gratitude: How I learned to be Grateful - My 'Positive Journal' Experience Day 2

I often become uncomfortable when people give me gifts or do things for me because I feel like there is a certain response I am then obliged to present in return. I never know if the giver of the gift or the doer of the favour is expecting this type of response or not, and there have been a few occasions where I was un-emotive about things I had received, and then those around me made it clear through jokes and comments, that this lack of a reaction on my behalf was unexpected and inappropriate. This made me feel ashamed and ungrateful as I had not had a certain positive feeling experience within myself that I was apparently supposed to have.

What I did over time to cope with this dynamic was to fake the positive feeling experience with my sound, my smile and my words - and each time I did this, I felt like I was betraying some part of me, presenting the false front to the gift giver in order to manipulate them into also now having a positive feeling of being appreciated, whatever other rewards as positive experience one might expect   when giving a gift.

In my 'Positive Journal' today I was asked to list three big things I am grateful for. Immediately I was struck by an emptiness, a feeling of 'the expectation to feel something I don't actually feel' and the burden to now conjure up some emotion, which often makes me feel like I 'm somehow cheating on myself through betraying myself and what I am actually going through. I thought to myself, "how ungrateful am I? How spoiled must I be to feel such little gratitude for anything at all? So I stopped in order to ask myself, "What is gratitude to me?".

I looked up the word 'gratitude' and found that most definitions in fact did involve invoking some kind of positive feeling, and some kind of giving back in return - which is exactly how I had been unsuccessfully living the word gratitude, where my living of the word means the the 'giving' is never unconditional, because as soon as I live 'gratitude' that means I must now do/be something in return, and if not then the whole thing is a bust and a disappointment. So I see that I had been living the system-accepted, consciousness version of the word gratitude, but I knew within myself that there was more to it than that.

So I took a moment, silenced my mind, and brought through MY experience of 'gratitude' up into my body, and I just sat with it. What came up was not a positive feeling at all - it was as if a bottomless abyss opened up right in the core of me, and I was deeply humbled at the vastness and expansiveness of this space, like falling forever, knowing there is nothing I could ever do to fill this space or close it up - that an attempt to repay or match the things I am grateful for would be so futile and silly, like trying to fill the ocean with a teaspoon - and yet within it all was also a deep and profound sense of shame.

As I sat with this, an image of my family popped into my head. I was reminded of the process of forgiveness and self-forgiveness I had walked over the years using the Desteni tools in relation to my family, wherein I worked on releasing the emotional points I had been holding in place since I was very young. This means, not only forgiving the family member, but also forgiving myself mostly in terms of the role I played in the creation and holding on to the point, keeping it in place not only for myself, but for everyone.

What had emerged afterwards in working with this family-point was again a deep sense of shame and humility, as I could then more clearly see not only the sacrifice my parents went through to raise me, put a roof over my head, feed me, send me to school, take care of my health, my teeth, etc... but also how they had consistently over time, been there for me, even when they didn't necessarily agree with the paths I had chosen. I always felt so secure in knowing that, no matter what happened in my life, I would have a warm bed to sleep in and a meal to eat in my parent's home, so secure in fact, that it never even occurred to me that it could be any other way, and so I never even explored being grateful for it.

From this new position came 'appreciation' - which is a recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something, as well as a full understanding of a situation. After having walked a process of self-forgiveness, and within that also forgiving others, I was able to more clearly understand the entire situation, and recognize and enjoy those qualities in my parents that they lived in order to bring up a family and a daughter in this world, giving me a foundation from which to stand.

The next step I took in walking this process of forgiveness/self-forgiveness leading to gratitude towards my parents, was to express it to them, tell them about it, let them know what I see and how I experience it. Not in a big emotional show or display of affection, but in normal, natural moments when it would come up in me in moments spent with them, or maybe in a card, or over the phone. Not all at once, but bit-by-bit, over time, taking my time with each piece, carefully forming it within myself, wherein it then became easily articulated it in moments of opportunity, where it was so unconditional, so natural, easy and flowing, that they may not have even recognized it as gratitude until later upon reflection, that is, if it even occurred to them to reflect upon it! But that doesn't even matter, because I was speaking unconditionally something that was already whole within myself, that didn't require recognition or validation from another to complete. I think the sharing of gratitude is important, because oftentimes when people do not take the time to recognize, appreciate and live gratitude towards people in their lives, or don't speak or express it, often live with great regret if that person leaves their lives or passes away.

So builds my living definition of the word 'grateful', now with the words: 'humility' and 'recognition', 'unconditional', 'appreciation', 'enjoyment', 'sharing' and even, maybe surprisingly: 'shame'.

And so, my living re-definition of 'Gratitude' is:

To humbly and unconditionally recognize and share the appreciation and enjoyment in relation to the act of giving and/or receiving.  With 'shame' acting as that reminder of how little gratitude and unconditional giving/receiving actually exists in this world and within ourselves, even towards ourselves. Until that time where unconditional living exists, for me personally, I will always be reminded of my own shame, using it constructively to support me in my personal process of change.

In terms of what I wrote in my journal for the three big things I am most grateful for, after having re-defined the living word, here it is:

I am grateful for my family and everything they have done to support me to be able to be here.

I am grateful for the fact the Desteni exists, and to everything and everyone that made/makes it possible.

I am grateful for the Physical/Life/the Animals/Mother Nature/the Sky for being Here unconditionally, and for standing for and as Life.

Why We Wear Makeup and What it Says About Us

I have developed an allergic reaction to makeup, very strange.

Maite suggested I look into my relationship to makeup and take responsibility for it. I thought, ya, why not?

This blog will cover the reasons why makeup exists, why women wear makeup, what are the consequences of wearing makeup, and a redefinition of makeup to serve as a self-support.

I did a little research into the desteni material regarding makeup, why it exists and what it says about our relationship to ourselves/my relationship to myself.

I will place here what I learned along with my own additions as I sort out my personal relationship to makeup.

MAKEUP

Who are you making yourself up to be today?

I find when I apply makeup and look in the mirror and think: “hmmm, I look very pretty” I’m like YESSSSSS! Now I can be comfortable and confident around others! And it feels like these doors just open and so much of my expression comes through much more easily then if I look bad, blotchy, old and tired. In those instances I want to hide my face, don’t want people to look at me too closely because why?

Because I think they will judge me by thinking I look bad, blotchy, old and tired. So what’s so bad about that? Well, I think it means a man won’t want to be with me, then I will never get the opportunity to have a child, create a life with someone, I will end up alone, full of sadness and regret, and I will die a slow, sad and lonely death and no one will be there in my last moments.

Ok, lol! I have to laugh at myself right now. Also just in considering that it is my own critical eyes looking at me and judging me in these ways.

Furthermore, I feel like I will be viewed as less important, disregarded, people will not want to be around me and will actually be cruel towards me, I will be weak and helpless to do anything that brings enjoyment into my life.

This is triggering a memory of being bullied in school, where I was voted the ugliest girl in class, I lost all my friends and would walk around the school yard alone. I developed the belief that it was because of who I was and how I looked. It was really very few instances that had a dis-proportionate impact on who I was, and unfortunately, instead of embracing and accepting myself, I compromised myself by changing myself into ways I thought would be more acceptable.

I always held on to that idea that the way you look can cause a lonely and devastating life of ostracization and belittlement.  After having experienced these emotions: I changed, and the seeds were planted and grew to traits such as being a people pleaser, acting in ways that people will like me no matter what, and holding the all-encompassing fear that if I make the wrong move, people will turn on me in an instant.

Lets have a look at some information I found:

Makeup represents:

“The separation of yourself in the expression of yourself as who you are found in the starting point for the reason you wear makeup”

So basically, it is not makeup itself that is the problem, but rather the starting point for the reason WHY we wear it, and what that starting point/reason says about who we are in our self-relationship (or the relationship we have with ourselves).

Let’s look at some of those reasons:

Starting point for the reason to wear makeup

“To look prettier

To look younger

Look more beautiful

Look more presentable

Look more acceptable

To attract men-

Wanting to attract men because you don’t love yourself, don’t accept yourself, and are not grateful for yourself or your own self-expression, and so want/need/desire a man to do all these things for you.

To look better than other women

Not feeling pretty enough”

All of these reasons have reasons behind them, such as:

“No self-acceptance, no self-love

Comparison, self-judgment

Comparison to other women

Self-judgment from the perspective of not accepting or loving yourself.”

Some Self-forgiveness and I will add mine as well at the end.

“I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to accept myself, because the only way I will accept myself is if and when I wear makeup.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to love myself, and because I do not love myself, I will wear makeup to attract men to be in a relationship to be loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the construct and belief of having to be loved, instead of me loving myself as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear makeup to look better and more presentable than other women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and who I am, and because 

 I judge myself I would rather wear makeup to hide the judgment of me that exists within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself by wearing makeup because 

I do not accept myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider accepting myself.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider loving myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am not pretty enough and I am not beautiful enough and that I am required to wear makeup to fit in with society and all the other women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear makeup because of the models and actors and actresses that I see on T.V. that look so gorgeous and beautiful that I also want to look like them, so I wear makeup.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I look so ghastly and so ugly and so not acceptable that I have to wear makeup to be acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to wear makeup to be noticed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear makeup as an antennae for men, to say: “I am here”, “I am here”, “I am here”, “I have to have a relationship”, “I don’t accept myself”, “I don’t love myself”, “I can only accept and love myself when I am in a relationship”.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that in wearing makeup for reasons and purposes separate from me that is of the mind, I will actually become older much faster and much quicker.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to accept my human physical body and my skin as one with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that my human physical body might actually be showing something if there are pimples and wrinkles and things all over my skin, and that I am actually able to correct this through self-forgiveness and self-application in every moment, so that my physical body as me may express me as Who I Am within and as oneness and equality of and as Life.”

Now me:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that, when the way I look affects the way others treat me, act towards me or behave around me that it says something about me, my value, my worthiness, my acceptability, and my ability to be and experience ‘love’, and so I wear makeup to influence the way others treat me, act around me and behave, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it says more about the other person, their process, their self-relationship and their self-judgment that is being projected on to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by others, not being valued by others, not being worthwhile to others, and not be loved by others, and so wear makeup out of fearing experiencing these emotions that I create within myself in a try and attempt to avoid feeling them instead of facing the core and reality of myself, and within this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that value, acceptance, worth, acceptance and love comes only from people outside of me and can be manipulated within and through appearance and makeup, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it comes from self first, and is then shared with other as equals, as one, as I will share my self-worth, self-value, self-acceptance, self-love with others as I share myself as an example of what it means to create and live these words as self for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other women and compare myself to them in terms of appearance enhanced by makeup, instead of seeing through the makeup, through the skin-deep layers, and into the depths of the being that every woman is, equal to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the only way I can feel confident, open, comfortable and expressive is if I look better by wearing makeup, because it affects the way others treat me, thus making the statement that Who I Am depends upon how I am treated by others outside of myself, instead of grounding myself into myself, with clear self-understanding and self-direction within and as the starting point of my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceived that I am unlovable, that no one would ever love me, want to be with and create a life with me if they saw me for real, due to the fact that I had never loved myself for real, as I am, and so I hide the perceived flaws and imperfections internally, behind personalities and characters, and externally behind makeup, in order to attract someone that will love me FOR me, because I had never given nor developed self-love for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am unacceptable, that no one would ever accept me as I am, and thus manipulate and contort myself into something and someone that I deem as more acceptable, including wearing makeup, so that others will accept me FOR me, as I had never created nor developed self-acceptance for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of makeup because I fear letting go of the feelings it gives me, feelings of the comfort of hiding, of confidence, expressiveness, high, better-than, etc…  as if those expressions were caused and created by makeup itself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am the cause and creator of everything I experience and so I am the one that decides which expressions I live and experience myself as, and I do so based upon what is best for me as best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need and desire to wear makeup.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having makeup to wear and fear having to be seen with a bare face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone because I think/believe/perceive the only way I will experience love and acceptance is within and through a relationship with another, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can live self-love and elf-acceptance, becoming whole, independent and completely self-responsible for my self-experience and self-relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying alone, lonely and full of regrets and remorse, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only real regret and remorse comes from never having developed a whole and complete self, a fulfilling self-relationship, self-love and self-acceptance, with a focus on self-expansion and self-growth and walking a process towards realizing my utmost potential in this life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other women, experience jealousy and envy towards beautiful and gorgeous women, within the thought, idea, perception or belief that their lives must be perfect, their self-experience must be only positive, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that each one is in a process, and the shallowness of basing self on appearance is known best by those that have lived a life of beauty, become old and died and equal death as everybody else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of superiority/inferiority with other women based on who looks best, instead of realizing my equality and oneness with all beings here, starting first with self-equality and oneness.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the thought "I look pretty" when I wear makeup, and to connect that thought to a rush of positive energy, within the thought ,idea, perception or belief that I can now experience myself more positively, more comfortable, more confident and more expressive, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these qualities exist in me already and are not dependent on how I look/looking better with makeup.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of others, as other looking at my face and thinking I look 'bad', 'blotchy. , 'old', and 'tired' - because it would confirm all my worst fears about myself and my appearance, which would the trigger me to fear not having the opportunity to have a relationship, a child, and a happy and fulfilling life, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can create my life in such a way to open up these possibilities as I am, by first fulfilling and completing myself, creating a stable foundation of self, so that I can create and develop a life based on who I really am, and not a picture presentation of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death, instead of focusing on really living fully while I am alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying alone, instead of realizing I have always been alone, but I have always had myself Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and look at myself through the most critical eyes in the world, instea of developing myself and my expression and letting that shine through. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that perceived 'less-attractive' people are less important, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that so long as I deem others less-important,  I am neglecting to see the truth, which is that i deem myself as less-important and live in constant fear of facing that aspect of me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to   think, believe and perceive that what I perceive as 'less-attractive' people should be disregarded, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in wearing makeup and hiding myself, I have disregarded myself as Who I Really am and the fears that exist within nme, and the self that I have the potential to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if others perceive me as less-attractive, they will be cruel towards me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that cruelness towards others is indicative of a personal self-relationship within them, and has nothing to do with me or Who I Am, but only that of them that I am representing of them in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear only experiencing negativity if I am not perceived as 'attractive', and then feeling helpless and weak if I am not, as an abdication of self-responsibility onto others by using them to create positive energy within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself tohold on to the memory of being bullied in school, where I was deemed 'ugly', which I accepted and allowed to define myself and create my internal self-experience based on that self-definition, which caused me to believe that if one is attractive, one has a better and more positive life-experience, causing me to want to look better, wherein I would use makeup to do so and from that starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by hiding behind makeup, within the validation and justification of my fears and beliefs about being beautiful and being ugly, thus changing myself, manipulating myself, suppressing and hiding aspect of myself due to not accepting myself Here, As I Am.

Redefining makeup:

An extension of my self-expression, to get to know parts of me in order to bring them through into my life regardless of my physical appearance.

Clearing the starting point from fear and hiding to redefining and living words.

Words I can live that I learned through wearing makeup:

Confidence

Openness

Expressiveness
Comfort

Self-care

Self-love

Self-acceptance

Click here to watch the video The Design Of Makeup coming through the interdimensional portal, for truth and understanding about how we are designed.

For more support on how to develop self-love and self-care, click HERE.

For more support on developing self-acceptance, click HERE.


www.destni.org

 The Design of Makeup