I had an experience in my life where I moved from a corporate
office environment in Canada, to a farm in South Africa, and then to a mountain
town in Panama where I work from home. With these changes came some serious
wardrobe changes, where my clothes from one environment were pretty much
useless in the next one.
The interesting thing I noted was how the clothing and
accessory changes changed my experience of myself. Where, in the office I would
be quite fancy, with jewelry that matched my outfit, hair done, sometimes even
with the nails and definitely makeup. I felt quite glamorous and professional,
and a fresh new outfit would have me walking into the office full of
confidence.
On the farm and in Panama, my clothing became purely
practical. I noticed I felt I was now lacking certain experiences. I felt less
confident, slower and less vibrant. I had to learn how to live these expressions
now in Who I Was, because I could no longer simply purchase them from a store.
With the glamour point which links in to the consumerism
point, for me what I see is where an entire industry has been built around
people seeking to fulfill desires – desires which have arisen from us not
accepting and allowing ourselves to live certain expressions, and so separating
ourselves from those expressions, leaving us feeling ‘unfulfilled’.
We then seek to fulfill ourselves through the experience a
product or lifestyle (or any external experience) will apparently give us,
which will obviously never be enough as we are not living it for ourselves. So
we keep bouncing back and forth from one polarity to the other – from fulfilled
(only temporarily as an experience) to unfulfilled (the reality of Self through
separating Self from living self-expression) – thus creating the perfect
industry: the more money you have, the more you can spend on attempting
fulfillment. The more glamour in this case, the more the person is showing how
unfulfilled they actually are, and so have to keep paying to keep the feeding
the experience.
The cool part is that you can look at what desire the
product represents that we are seeking to fulfill, and then see how that can be
lived as a living expression of Self instead, thus creating actual
self-fulfillment – where glamour can then become an act self-expression (which
means if it were lost or taken away, we would not change).
The not so cool part is that until we fulfill ourselves as
living expressions, we will be consumers of experience, consuming Life as the
resources of the earth in self-interest as we seek to fulfill our desires that
we ourselves created in the first place through separation.
I have developed an allergic reaction to makeup, very
strange.
Maite suggested I look into my relationship to makeup and
take responsibility for it. I thought, ya, why not?
This blog will cover the reasons why makeup exists, why women wear makeup, what are the consequences of wearing makeup, and a redefinition of makeup to serve as a self-support.
I did a little research into the desteni material regarding
makeup, why it exists and what it says about our relationship to ourselves/my
relationship to myself.
I will place here what I learned along with my own additions
as I sort out my personal relationship to makeup.
MAKEUP
Who are you making yourself up to be today?
I find when I apply makeup and look in the mirror and think:
“hmmm, I look very pretty” I’m like YESSSSSS! Now I can be comfortable and
confident around others! And it feels like these doors just open and so much of
my expression comes through much more easily then if I look bad, blotchy, old and
tired. In those instances I want to hide my face, don’t want people to look at
me too closely because why?
Because I think they will judge me by thinking I look bad,
blotchy, old and tired. So what’s so bad about that? Well, I think it means a
man won’t want to be with me, then I will never get the opportunity to have a
child, create a life with someone, I will end up alone, full of sadness and
regret, and I will die a slow, sad and lonely death and no one will be there in
my last moments.
Ok, lol! I have to laugh at myself right now. Also just in
considering that it is my own critical eyes looking at me and judging me in
these ways.
Furthermore, I feel like I will be viewed as less important,
disregarded, people will not want to be around me and will actually be cruel
towards me, I will be weak and helpless to do anything that brings enjoyment
into my life.
This is triggering a memory of being bullied in school, where
I was voted the ugliest girl in class, I lost all my friends and would walk
around the school yard alone. I developed the belief that it was because of who
I was and how I looked. It was really very few instances that had a
dis-proportionate impact on who I was, and unfortunately, instead of embracing
and accepting myself, I compromised myself by changing myself into ways I
thought would be more acceptable.
I always held on to that idea that the way you look can cause
a lonely and devastating life of ostracization and belittlement. After having experienced these emotions: I
changed, and the seeds were planted and grew to traits such as being a people
pleaser, acting in ways that people will like me no matter what, and holding
the all-encompassing fear that if I make the wrong move, people will turn on me
in an instant.
Lets have a look at some information I found:
Makeup represents:
“The separation of yourself in the expression of yourself as
who you are found in the starting point for the reason you wear makeup”
So basically, it is not makeup itself that is the problem,
but rather the starting point for the reason WHY we wear it, and what that starting
point/reason says about who we are in our self-relationship (or the
relationship we have with ourselves).
Let’s look at some of those reasons:
Starting point for the reason to wear makeup
“To look prettier
To look younger
Look more beautiful
Look more presentable
Look more acceptable
To attract men-
Wanting to attract men because you don’t love yourself, don’t
accept yourself, and are not grateful for yourself or your own self-expression,
and so want/need/desire a man to do all these things for you.
To look better than other women
Not feeling pretty enough”
All of these reasons have reasons behind them, such as:
“No self-acceptance, no self-love
Comparison, self-judgment
Comparison to other women
Self-judgment from the perspective of not accepting or
loving yourself.”
Some Self-forgiveness and I will add mine as well at the
end.
“I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself
to accept myself, because the only way I will accept myself is if and when I
wear makeup.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself
to love myself, and because I do not love myself, I will wear makeup to attract
men to be in a relationship to be loved.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
hold on to the construct and belief of having to be loved, instead of me loving
myself as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear
makeup to look better and more presentable than other women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
compare myself to other women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
compare myself to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
judge myself and who I am, and because
I judge myself I would rather wear
makeup to hide the judgment of me that exists within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
hide myself by wearing makeup because
I do not accept myself.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself
to consider accepting myself.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself
to consider loving myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think
that I am not pretty enough and I am not beautiful enough and that I am
required to wear makeup to fit in with society and all the other women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear
makeup because of the models and actors and actresses that I see on T.V. that
look so gorgeous and beautiful that I also want to look like them, so I wear
makeup.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that I look so ghastly and so ugly and so not acceptable that I have to wear
makeup to be acceptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
want to wear makeup to be noticed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
wear makeup as an antennae for men, to say: “I am here”, “I am here”, “I am
here”, “I have to have a relationship”, “I don’t accept myself”, “I don’t love myself”,
“I can only accept and love myself when I am in a relationship”.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself
to realize that in wearing makeup for reasons and purposes separate from me
that is of the mind, I will actually become older much faster and much quicker.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself
to accept my human physical body and my skin as one with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
separate myself from my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself
to realize that my human physical body might actually be showing something if
there are pimples and wrinkles and things all over my skin, and that I am actually
able to correct this through self-forgiveness and self-application in every
moment, so that my physical body as me may express me as Who I Am within and as
oneness and equality of and as Life.”
Now me:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think/believe/perceive that, when the way I look affects the way others treat
me, act towards me or behave around me that it says something about me, my
value, my worthiness, my acceptability, and my ability to be and experience ‘love’,
and so I wear makeup to influence the way others treat me, act around me and
behave, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it says more about
the other person, their process, their self-relationship and their
self-judgment that is being projected on to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
not being accepted by others, not being valued by others, not being worthwhile
to others, and not be loved by others, and so wear makeup out of fearing experiencing
these emotions that I create within myself in a try and attempt to avoid
feeling them instead of facing the core and reality of myself, and within this:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think/believe/perceive that value, acceptance, worth, acceptance and love comes
only from people outside of me and can be manipulated within and through
appearance and makeup, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it
comes from self first, and is then shared with other as equals, as one, as I
will share my self-worth, self-value, self-acceptance, self-love with others as
I share myself as an example of what it means to create and live these words as
self for real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
judge other women and compare myself to them in terms of appearance enhanced by
makeup, instead of seeing through the makeup, through the skin-deep layers, and
into the depths of the being that every woman is, equal to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think, believe and perceive that the only way I can feel confident, open,
comfortable and expressive is if I look better by wearing makeup, because it
affects the way others treat me, thus making the statement that Who I Am depends
upon how I am treated by others outside of myself, instead of grounding myself
into myself, with clear self-understanding and self-direction within and as the
starting point of my actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think/believe/perceived that I am unlovable, that no one would ever love me,
want to be with and create a life with me if they saw me for real, due to the
fact that I had never loved myself for real, as I am, and so I hide the perceived
flaws and imperfections internally, behind personalities and characters, and externally
behind makeup, in order to attract someone that will love me FOR me, because I
had never given nor developed self-love for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think/believe/perceive that I am unacceptable, that no one would ever accept me
as I am, and thus manipulate and contort myself into something and someone that
I deem as more acceptable, including wearing makeup, so that others will accept
me FOR me, as I had never created nor developed self-acceptance for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear letting go of makeup because I fear letting go of the feelings it gives
me, feelings of the comfort of hiding, of confidence, expressiveness, high,
better-than, etc… as if those
expressions were caused and created by makeup itself, instead of seeing,
realizing and understanding that I am the cause and creator of everything I
experience and so I am the one that decides which expressions I live and
experience myself as, and I do so based upon what is best for me as best for
all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
want/need and desire to wear makeup.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear not having makeup to wear and fear having to be seen with a bare face.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone because I think/believe/perceive the only way I will experience love and acceptance is within and through a relationship with another, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can live self-love and elf-acceptance, becoming whole, independent and completely self-responsible for my self-experience and self-relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying alone, lonely and full of regrets and remorse, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only real regret and remorse comes from never having developed a whole and complete self, a fulfilling self-relationship, self-love and self-acceptance, with a focus on self-expansion and self-growth and walking a process towards realizing my utmost potential in this life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other women, experience jealousy and envy towards beautiful and gorgeous women, within the thought, idea, perception or belief that their lives must be perfect, their self-experience must be only positive, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that each one is in a process, and the shallowness of basing self on appearance is known best by those that have lived a life of beauty, become old and died and equal death as everybody else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of superiority/inferiority with other women based on who looks best, instead of realizing my equality and oneness with all beings here, starting first with self-equality and oneness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the thought "I look pretty" when I wear makeup, and to connect that thought to a rush of positive energy, within the thought ,idea, perception or belief that I can now experience myself more positively, more comfortable, more confident and more expressive, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these qualities exist in me already and are not dependent on how I look/looking better with makeup.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of others, as other looking at my face and thinking I look 'bad', 'blotchy. , 'old', and 'tired' - because it would confirm all my worst fears about myself and my appearance, which would the trigger me to fear not having the opportunity to have a relationship, a child, and a happy and fulfilling life, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can create my life in such a way to open up these possibilities as I am, by first fulfilling and completing myself, creating a stable foundation of self, so that I can create and develop a life based on who I really am, and not a picture presentation of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death, instead of focusing on really living fully while I am alive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying alone, instead of realizing I have always been alone, but I have always had myself Here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and look at myself through the most critical eyes in the world, instea of developing myself and my expression and letting that shine through.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that perceived 'less-attractive' people are less important, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that so long as I deem others less-important, I am neglecting to see the truth, which is that i deem myself as less-important and live in constant fear of facing that aspect of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that what I perceive as 'less-attractive' people should be disregarded, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in wearing makeup and hiding myself, I have disregarded myself as Who I Really am and the fears that exist within nme, and the self that I have the potential to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if others perceive me as less-attractive, they will be cruel towards me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that cruelness towards others is indicative of a personal self-relationship within them, and has nothing to do with me or Who I Am, but only that of them that I am representing of them in that moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear only experiencing negativity if I am not perceived as 'attractive', and then feeling helpless and weak if I am not, as an abdication of self-responsibility onto others by using them to create positive energy within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself tohold on to the memory of being bullied in school, where I was deemed 'ugly', which I accepted and allowed to define myself and create my internal self-experience based on that self-definition, which caused me to believe that if one is attractive, one has a better and more positive life-experience, causing me to want to look better, wherein I would use makeup to do so and from that starting point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by hiding behind makeup, within the validation and justification of my fears and beliefs about being beautiful and being ugly, thus changing myself, manipulating myself, suppressing and hiding aspect of myself due to not accepting myself Here, As I Am.
Redefining makeup:
An extension of my self-expression, to get to know parts of
me in order to bring them through into my life regardless of my physical
appearance.
Clearing the starting point from fear and hiding to
redefining and living words.
Words I can live that I learned through wearing makeup:
Confidence
Openness
Expressiveness
Comfort
Self-care
Self-love
Self-acceptance
Click here to watch the video The Design Of Makeup coming through the interdimensional portal, for truth and understanding about how we are designed.
For more support on how to develop self-love and self-care, click HERE.
For more support on developing self-acceptance, click HERE.
Yesterday
I worked at a bar. I fill in there from time-to-time. I got some attention for
my physical appearance because, I guess that is what bars and alcohol are all
about, sex and seduction and people trying to get laid. I understand that more
now, but I still participated and I still had reactions. I felt embarrassed by
it, then I went into ego, then I went into the polarity of feeling degraded.
The pattern I want to reveal today is the lingering effect that this experience
has upon me. Which is the desire to be seen as beautiful.
Today,
when I was getting from my house to downtown, I took public transport. I found
myself feeling like I needed to look good in the presence of the public. I
found myself being tempted to look in the reflections of windows, and when I
accepted and allowed myself to fall for this I notice now, looking back on it,
that I would go from feeling like I looked good, to finding every little flaw
and feeling self-conscious.
As a woman, I have learned to place importance on beauty. Men have it too-
feeling they need to look handsome, macho, manly- whatever. But I have learned
and taught myself to believe that it is important to look my best-to take what
I have and try to enhance it to achieve ‘beauty’. But what I’ve realized is
that when I accept and allow this whole ‘beauty’ construct into my life- it
only brings instability, ego, judgment and complexes. I go from feeling
‘beautiful’ and confident, and then maybe I’ll see a woman who I think is more
beautiful’ and I’ll feel jealous and then inferior. I’ll start judging myself
and it just goes on and on, back and forth, up and down. It’s completely
bi-polar and I’m really just sick of it. It’s not worth it to put myself
through all of that just to achieve this attempt at some standard of beauty
which , really is never good enough. I always end up feeling like shit later,
and feel like I need to do all sorts of things to enhance my appearance again.
I mean, that’s why people do all the things like fake nails and tanning and
makeup and working out and hair products- to enhance themselves because they
don’t feel good enough. Fuck that. I’m ready to let that all go and finally
just accept myself so that I can focus on building dignity and integrity as a
human being instead of spending all that time concentrating on ‘how I feel
about how I look.’
In order to accept myself I need to continue working on those things I cannot
accept, which are things that may affect my physical appearance. For example-
if you quit drinking, cut out sugar, don’t over eat, do fun things that move
your body, concentrate on eliminating stress, anxiety etc… you may end up
looking better as a consequence. But it is from a starting point of caring for
yourself in every way, and not from the narrow starting point of enhancing
beauty. When I look in the mirror, what I want to see reflected to me is
self-love and self-acceptance. A body that is cared for, treated gratefully as
an equal to me, not as something that I believes lacks something, is not good
enough and and that needs to be enhanced by all sorts of activities and makeup
and fake things. I want to see a body that is not abused by vices, addictions,
insecurities, bad habits or neglect, but one that gets what it needs
because I am a being that considers my physical reality and is committed to
being aware of what I need and how I can practically give it to myself.
But I’m not there yet, and the first step I can take right now is to continue
unlearning this pattern of the desire for beauty, which has been with me, as
me, destabilizing me and fucking me up for long enough. I’ve had it, again, I’m
going to write it out again, expose it again, and I’ll will do it again and
again until it’s done. I commit to ridding myself of the plague of beauty, it
has done enough harm and I will not accept it as me anymore. I commit myself to
exposing this to myself and writing it out till I change.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be beautiful.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy my mind and thoughts with
self-judgments, jealousies, superiority/inferiority and comparison in relation
to the physical appearance of beauty,’ instead of directing my focus and
attention on the present moment, directing myself within the reality of
Hereness.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind within and
as the polarity thoughts of beauty, which bounce me back and forth, up and
down, instead of stopping and realizing this mechanic, robotic preprogrammed
game that’s not even real.
When I see
myself going into thoughts and reactions in relation to ‘beauty’ I stop, and I
breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization and
understanding that the whole beauty game Is not real, it’s not life, and it
only serves to preoccupy and destabilize. Within this realization I
remind myself that in order to accept myself as a whole being, I cannot hold
onto thoughts of beauty which require me to enhance me, making the statement
that I am missing something or I lack.
I allow
myself to let go of the idea or ideal of beauty that I have built and
constructed over the years and applied to myself. I t does not serve me, it
only brings me up and down, back and forth and around in endless repeating
cycles that I’m fed up with and I refuse to continue my participation within
them. I stop this pattern.
I allow
myself to check myself out in the mirror to make sure that my outfit/hair etc…
looks cool, practical/together, and not to judge myself and make attempts to
enhance my physical appearance in order to ‘feel beautiful’ in public, which
inevitably leads me to feel ugly at some later point.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to place any worth or importance on my
physical appearance, and I realize instead that the value and importance is
with my physical condition and my starting point within what I do to/for me and
how I behave to/towards me. That is a starting point of self-acceptance, which
includes changing the things I cannot accept, and self-love, which includes an
absolute consideration for my physical body and it’s functions, rather than a
judgment upon its appearance.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to become excited or thrilled by the
prospect of ‘beauty’ or being seen as ‘beautiful’. This is a learned behavior
that does not serve me. This is an endless chase with no reward, it is a
polarity construct that perpetuates itself by binging me through ‘downs’ that
lead me to desire ‘ups’, and ‘ups’ that I use to allow me to fear ‘downs’.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that, if I don’t look my best.
People will judge me and think that I’m lazy or sloppy.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that not looking my best
involves instead being lazy or sloppy, instead of realizing that not concerning
myself with ‘beauty’ does not mean I stop concerning myself with myself, or to
stop caring.. It is the opposite- stopping my participation in this beauty
construct allows me to finally really care for myself in reality, not just as
thoughts in my mind, which only care about how I feel about
myself, and not how I treat myself, compose myself and create myself.
I forgive
myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to treat my body as equal to and
one with me, and instead to treat it as though it is a slow and cumbersome
thing that cannot keep up with my mind, an uncooperative thing that does not do
as I say, or an inferior thing that is not good enough for my standards.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself
within and through separating my mind from my physical body through
participation within and as ‘beauty’ such as judgment,
inferiority/superiority, comparison, and all the thoughts, feelings and
emotions that are derived from a concern with beauty.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn and create ‘beauty’, an
image of ‘beauty’ and ‘beauty’ as an entity in my mind, wherein I have copy and
pasted images and ideas from society, culture, television, movies and magazines
and people, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed them to
influence me and effect who and how I am in my world and reality.
I forgive
myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe the con of ‘beauty’,
and to fall for the game of ‘beauty’ thus preoccupying, distracting and
entertaining myself with fantasies and projections that aren’t even real,
instead of directing myself Here, from moment to moment without the influence
of myself as the mind.
Instead, I
allow myself to consider my body in every breath, to exist within and as my
body, thus considering its needs, its movement, its capabilities and its
presence.
I allow
myself to be patient with my physical body within the realization that I am
dependent upon it, and within this, I accept and allow myself to be grateful
for my physical body/existence which, without it, I would not be here.
When I go
into separation of myself from my physical I stop, and I breathe. I ask myself:
If I am not able to be one with and equal to myself in this way, how can I
expect to treat another as one with and equal to me, or how can I claim I care
for another as me, if I do not unconditionally care for/about myself in every
moment. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding and
realization that if I am not able to stop this obsession with beauty as
separation, then I will not be able to expand and grow, but will rather be a
perpetual pawn in an endless cycle of polarity.
