Day 200 - The Valentine's Day Revelation

Valentine’s Day

Why do we desire Valentine’s day to be a special and romantic day? Why is it expected of the man to bring gifts to the woman in order to make her feel special or loved?  In today’s world it seems it is simply expected for something special to happen on this day. But is it possible to look into this desire for an emotional experience on this day, and trace it back to a source, where it started, why it started, and how advertisers play on this desire in order to catch us in a wave of purchasing in order to satisfy an emotional or feeling need we don’t necessarily understand?

When I look back at some of my earliest memories of Valentine’s day, there is one in particular that stands out, and when I play back the memory in my mind, and I re-experience how it made me feel, I can see there it is distinctly connected to the need or desire to be made to feel special on Valentine’s day, and still yearning for this experience nearly 25 years later.

I was about 9 years old and I was in class on Valentine’s Day. I noticed some students were receiving many fancy cards and there was laughter and commotion all around them. I had been sitting alone, with few cards and no activity around me. It suddenly felt as though I was part of a movie set where the spotlight was shining on the other students and I was not even in the scene. I felt invisible, forgettable, ignored.

Had it not been for this play-out, I would have been fine, and it would have been another normal day. But instead, I had reacted, and I had made a judgment about myself, one which was reinforced many times over many Valentine’s Days and similar events, and one which was unnecessary. This judgment would limit and diminish me in so many little, seemingly insignificant ways  as I became a teenager and then a young woman, as if my relationship with myself had been somehow poisoned and made slightly toxic.

The proof that the judgment remained lies in the fact that when I finally had someone to spend Valentine’s Day with, I now desired to be in the spotlight, to get the attention and to be made to feel special. I needed to prove to myself that my judgment was wrong: that I was not in fact invisible, forgettable and ignored. But I was using others and outside influences to now make me feel right again within myself.

So what’s the moral of this story? It’s the importance of learning how to take self-responsivity for one’s own reactions and to direct them as they happen, instead of accepting and allowing moments of reaction to define oneself as more or less than one really is. Self-acceptance means accepting myself as I am, Complete and unconditional self-acceptance allows for the greatest self-expansion. The indicators of where in your life you are holding onto an unresolved moment are the seemingly unexplainable secret wishes and desires for people in your world, events and play-outs, to make you feel something inside of you that is different than how you currently feel.

It’s considered normal and even expected for couples to make Valentine’s Day special for each other. Why not let this day be an expression of gratefulness for each other, where there is no manipulation of feelings and emotions to fill past voids or the desire for proof – these are the types of seemingly innocent and normal things that poison the relationship between two people, because it is impossible to fulfill this in another person.

How we feel within ourselves is our responsibility, and with that responsibility comes great power- the power to change yourself and become something more than you ever could have imagined. Don’t let the consumer machine capitalize on our vulnerability. Empower yourself and be your own self-fulfillment. Check out this free online course, where you’ll learn how to take responsibility in moments of reaction, to let go of self-judgment, and walk in the moment with presence and awareness, instead of living in the limiting grips of the past. It’s free, there is no charge, it’s about empowering people, no strings. I learned the material and still apply it every day, it’s worth investing your time in, click HERE to find out for yourself!

Day 51- Tempted by Love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted by the energetic experience of ‘love.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to return to the internal energetic experience of ‘love’ because it felt good and made me feel special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize my experience of ‘me,’ and ‘my life, and feeling ‘special’ in a world that is in dire condition, wherein, within my participation within and asthe energetic experience of ‘love’ I am making the statement that the way Ifeel inside is more important than my commitment to myself as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desireto feel ‘special’ in a world where no one is ‘more special’ than another,because all are of equal importance and utmost importance and none should bedisregarded, left behind, left out, or not considered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted to return to ‘love’ because I can lose myself and not face myselfwithin ‘love,’ and I can return to the abdication of self-responsibility withinthe co-dependence that ‘love’ so often generates.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to return to ‘love’ because then I won’t have to learn to love myself, and I won’t have to change, because another will ‘love’ me ‘just theway I am.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to return to ‘love’ because it makes the world seem like a better, nicer, and even wonderful place, when it most certainly is not- it’s not about going around depressed about the state of things, but rather for reach to accept their responsibility within it, wherein- when one is lost within and consumed by the inner emotional energetic experience of ‘love’ created by the mind and experienced by/through chemical reactions within the physical body (which has nothing to do with the actual state of reality or anything real or practical whatsoever)- one is absolutely disregarding the state of the world and the suffering and abuse taking place, and one is placing oneself and one’s own internal experience which is based only on self-created experiences,  above the actual real problems that require immediate attention in this world and within self, as the separation and disregard for one’s own physical body in pursuit of energetic emotionalexperiences instead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear hurting another within the act of my withdrawing my participation in ‘love.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am a heartless person as I withdraw from ‘love,’ and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as a heartless, uncaring person by those that may not understand what I am doing and why.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to return to the old, familiar and comfortable patterns and habits that I am used to, instead of standing up and walking and forging a new way and a new path for myself, wherein I assert mysef as the self-directive principle in my life, instead of floating along and accepting and allowing events to unfold willy-nilly wherein I sit back and react.

I commit myself to taking the wheel in my Life, as this is the only Life I have, thus it is of absolute primary importance for me to step up, step in and get physical.

I commit myself to walk throu gh any and all temptations and challenges that I may face throughout my process, wherein the temptation ofhabits, patterns and addictions will have to be walked through over and over until it’s done, which I am committed to doing whatever it takes.

I commit myself to see through the veil of ‘love’ and energy, to the actual reality of myself, physical reality and how it’s all unfolding, and where I stand within it.

When and as I see that I am being tempted to fall into and follow an energetic experience, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that I can enjoy myself with another without participating in the inner emotional energetic experience of ‘love,’ it is not necessary to  sabotage myself because I am able to self-honestly stand within and as relationships without giving up or giving in to the mind of ego and desire, to be wanted, important and special, etc… instead of valuing myself as all as one as equal. I value myself, whole, Here, and walk within self-direction as I change within relationships in my world.

Day 34- Playing Roles for Others Instead of Expressing Myself (part deux)

          I wanted to address something I wrote yesterday in which I see self-dishonesty or abdication. The quote is: “the more I care about them, the more I play the role.” This quote is stating that, if I care about people, I play a role around them. Since playing a role around others has more to do with self-perception, as I discovered/exposed/expressed in my last post, then it can’t really have to do with actually caring for the other. When I say ‘caring’ I mean REAL caring, as in, considering the other for who they really are, and not putting up with less than they are, within myself or within them, thus treating them within equality and oneness with and as myself. Thus, REALLY caring for someone does not imply deceiving them with role-play, that is in fact like the opposite of caring for them.

            So, what this reveals to me is that it’s not really about caring, but rather about who I have defined myself as in relation to them, and how much of myself have I given away to them within and through these self-definitions. So much so that I feel a strong need or desire to keep it up,’ and not change in their eyes to not ‘let them down,’ because I’ve constantly built myself up in order to be ‘more’ and appear as ‘more’ than I am. Behind all this is, of course, the belief that I am not enough as I am.

            Within all of this I remember the principle that I can’t do for another that which I have not yet done for myself. So, I cannot truly care for/about another until I truly care for myself, which I obviously don’t yet because I’m still holding onto this belief that ‘I am not enough’ or I am ‘not good enough’ as I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that caring for another involves playing a role for them instead of realizing that I am only playing the role in self-interest, to ‘keep up appearances’ in order to maintain my self-image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to maintain a delusional self-image of myself as ‘happy’, ‘mature,’ ‘responsible,’ ‘together,’ ‘normal,’ and ‘fun,’ by playing these roles for others, instead of realizing that I am participating in the polarity experiences within and through self-judgment in my secret mind, and trying to make up for it by playing out the polarity within and as ‘roles’ for others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘caring’ for another as valuing their opinion of me, which leads me to try to manipulate their opinion of me instead of realizing that real caring involves me caring for myself, and then the other as me within oneness and equality and thus, not accepting or allowing anything less within either of us.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have ever actually cared for/about anyone really, instead of realizing that unless I care for/about me, I am unable to care about anyone else as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to stop playing roles and instead to express myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to stop playing roles for fear that others will see the ‘true me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others seeing the ‘true me’ because I think/believe that all my self-judgment will be realized, and people will see that I am everything I fear being, and everything I have judged others for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build, create and generate an absolute mind prison for myself, wherein I am deep down within myself under all the layers, and due to and because of all the judgment I have participated within and as, I have suppressed myself in fear- fear that others would judge me the way I have judged, instead of stopping my participation in judgment within the realization that the only judgment is self-judgment.

I forgive myself for judging myself so extensively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-judgment to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others realizing my self-judgment, when the only one it really affects/matters to is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe in my environment, in others or in the media, in magazines and on televisions, people/personalities which I judge as ‘good’ and ‘desirable,’ and then try/attempt to emulate/embody/integrate/program them into and as me, so that I may be ‘like that’ because I have judge ‘that’ as better than me, instead of realizing that I am me, whole, here, equal to and one with everything that is here with and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to be anything else than who/what I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my internal experience is the worst possible thing, and that being anything other than me would be an improvement/feel better/be more endurable than what I currently experience within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to long to be ‘someone else,’ as if, if I ‘were that,’ or if I ‘had that,’ then I would feel better, my life would improve, my experience would be bearable, instead of realizing that there is no magic solution such as wishing I were someone/something other than what I am, and that is just a comforting thought that I use when I realize that the only way through is to face me and stand up from within my worst disgrace in order to change me to be/become someone I can live within and as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight and resist facing me and standing up from within my worst, instead of simply taking a breath and walking within the realization that this is the only way through, there is no escape from self, resisting and procrastinating only prolongs this process, and one step at a time with constand and consistant application is the only pace possible.

Within my self-forgiveness thus far, I see/realize/understand that it always comes back to process. I started off with role playing for others, and the main point within this is fear of facing self, because I utilize the roles to not have to face me, or face what others reflect back to me. Within role playing, the status quo is maintained and no feathers become ruffled, so there is also a fear of conflict in there, which is a fear of standing as and speaking as me, as self. I have written out this point within the posts “Anger Reactions,” “Stopping My Reactions to Disagreements-Learningto Live as Equals,”  and “Survival of theFittest Ego,” – all of which I have just re-read to remind myself of the self-realizations I have made thus far, and the self-corrective applications I have written as self-support, to guide me through what/how it is to Live and walk my process without a ‘script’ or ‘role’ to play.

When and as I see myself going into roles in order to please myself and keep the peace, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness by reminding myself that I am not these roles I play, and that Who I Am is and can only be determined in the moment, in each moment in self-honesty. I remind myself to breathe and remainin awareness, and to take the situation one breath at a time I self-honesty.

I commit myself to stp keeping the peace and avoiding conflict, and to instead live me Here, breath by breathin self-honesty.

I commit myself to myself as self-care, wherein I develop self-care within and though practicing self-honesty as what I require to do/be/become/walk through in order to care for me. I allow myself to care for myself as I do/become/walk so that I may prove myself as self-care, so that I may care for others as me.

I commit myself to face myself, and to push through that which is unpleasant, uncomfortable, unbearable and disgraceful.

Day 30- Using LOVE as a DRUG

            I used love as a drug. It picked me up when I was down, it made me feel secure when I felt insecure, it assured me I was beautiful when I was certain I was ugly, I used it because I did not love myself, I used it when something bad happened during the day that made me feel guilty, bad, inferior or taken advantage of. I used love to complete me, because I allowed myself to be un-whole. I used it to boost my ego, and I used it to boost the ego of another, to keep him addicted, so that he would never ever leave me.

The only thing I didn’t use love for, was to support myself, to love myself, to complete myself, to stand up for myself, and to console myself. I abused the drug of love, and now I am half a person.

I used to think it was romantic, to say I am half of something, ‘he completes me,’ ‘I’m his,’ and stuff like that. But seriously, do I really want someone to own me? Do I really want to do that to another? The whole ownership aspect, to me, stems only from security issues, wherein one does not feel one could handle life, the world, the day without one’s partner. Do I really want to be ‘half’ of something, wherein I am left un-whole if he leaves? If he finds another love am I then just left to flounder as I have not developed a whole self to support myself with through life? That is NOT what I would prefer. If I were to say ‘he completes me,’ that is equivalent to the statement that I do not complete myself: that there are parts of me that I’m just not going to work on or try to change, because those are now his responsibilities.

Usually at the beginning of relationships, we don’t advertise that we are un-whole, needy and dependent beings searching for completion and security. We instead project an image of ourselves as complete, confident, independent, and ‘happy’- perfect for a healthy partnership. Conversely, if we show our neediness, insecurity, and dependency, we will then attract a mate who is looking to fulfill us because they cannot fulfill themselves, or someone who is looking for something safe, due to their own insecurities, and they may then project themselves as dependable, confident, secure etc…  What if we were completely self-honest with each other upon initiation into a relationship, wherein we would state our list of needs from the get go? “You need to be able to make me feel secure within myself. I also require constant approval and validation. You will also need to let go of your goals and dreams, and create new goals and dreams which I approve of, otherwise I will not feel loved.” OR, “I require you to depend on me completely, so that I can create for myself an image of dependability. I will also require you to need me constantly so that, no matter how much I judge you or how I treat you, I know you will never leave me, so that I may feel safe and secure…” and so on.

Good luck with that.

 And it is mostly luck after all. It’s ‘luck’ because we don’t usually lay our actual needs and expectations out on the line for the other to make a decision based on the actual reality of who we are. How long can we keep up the roles we play, do we become those rolls permanently? If that is not who we are, and we do not investigate and explore and get to know who we really are due to the rolls we play, will that then not lead to resentment and blame? But we do not necessarily make decisions in this practical way- rather, we usually determine our partner based on the way he or she makes us feel- which is also the rationale behind which drugs we prefer to ingest. The inner emotional experience is also a drug, as it is a chemical experience produced within the body that makes us feel good. Within this, are we really taking into consideration who the other person really is, at all ? Or are we basing our choices on self-interest, both parties more concerned with the high they are receiving, the internal experience that affects nobody but them, without considering how the other may be compromising themselves, suppressing themselves , or even EXpressing themselves in a way that is not who they are, because they are responding not to an equal partner, but to an addiction.  I’m sure some relationship have elements of mutual enjoyment, genuinely ‘good times,’laughter, deep talks maybe, but at what cost to oneself?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become addicted to the internal chemical reactions my body produces when another treats me in such a way which I use to create an internal experience of feeling good, or feeling bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use another human being within and as self-interest, only to manipulate and control my internal experience, from positive, to neutral, to negative, over and over again in cycles, , or if those cycles stop, I declare I am ‘no longer ‘in love,’’ and after a period of time, I search for my next fix.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to consider the actual realit of the being I am with, wherein I am able to interact without the need to become high within myself, but interact rather on an equal playing field of support, where each supports the other to stand and become whole, secure within themselves, independent, stable and self-honest.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I use relationships to generate the ‘love drug’ to keep me constantly in a state of feelings or emotions, so that I never have to confront myself and the reality of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself in a way that I think/believe/perceive will trigger the ‘love drug’ within my partner, in order to keep him interested and coming back for more, so that I may also continue to get my fix.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having/experiencing the effects of the ‘love drug’ within me, for fear that I will then have to face my internal experience within absolute sobriety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my internal experience will change to one of dis-satisfaction, insecurity, un-specialness, and all the other consequences of living as an un-whole being within myself, which I was able to do because it felt ‘okay,’ because I was self-medicating with the ‘love drug.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel terribly sad to lose the ‘love drug,’ as it has/had become my close friend, my comfort, my illusion of happily ever after, my projection of perfection and the comfortable, secure lie I was living, which I called ‘love’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear withdrawing from the ‘love drug’ because I don’t know how to operate any other way, and because I’m so used to the comfort and security of predictability, that I have never directed myself, step by step in to the unknown place that is Here.

When and as I see that I am falling back into my addiction to love, searching for that good familiar feeling, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that I am compromising myself and my partner. I remind myself that the easy road is raaaaarely the road that’s best for me and best for all, because it is usually the road of self-interest, without a consideration for actual realityand the other beings within it.

I commit myself to withdraw from the love drug so that I may live and experience me for the first time.

I commit myself to walk my life as what is best for me and best for all, instead of placing my addiction to love above me, above my partner, and above living life in a way that will bring about a better world than the one I experience today.

I commit myself to living in a way that will produce results that are best for all.

Day 28- Self-Blame versus Self-Forgiveness

Day 28- Self-Blame versus Self-Forgiveness

            It’s so easy to blame. When I take a good, self-honest look at my life, like and overview, I see that I used blame a lot. Everything I felt, every internal experience, I felt was caused or consequence of the actions of another. When I started to take myself back from blame, through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, I began to stop blaming. But I realized: something is still there. As it turns out, the one I really blame the most, is me.

            I understand the principle that everything we do unto ourselves, we project on to others, especially the really destructive, self-sabotaging stuff that we don’t want to admit or take responsibility for. For me it is self-blame. Not only self-blame, but for now, I am walking the point of self-blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am the cause of the moods and reactions of others, and thus, I am to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, and/or perceive that “if only I were a better child/person/friend/wife/sister/daughter, then everything and everyone around me would be better.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for suppressing me, compromising me and punishing me, instead of taking self-responsibility for the self-suppression, self-compromise and self-punishment within the realization that blame has no value/place/worth to me or anyone else, and only abuses both the blamer and the blamed, and it does NOT lead to self-change or self-improvement, it rather cycles within me and diminishes me over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself with self-blame, by constantly putting myself down and belittling myself in relation to others because I blamed/blame myself for all that is wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for situations that had/have nothing to do with me, and which are beyond my control, instead of taking self-responsibility for me, and allowing the situation to unfold, as it will, and finding my role within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as self-blame, within the belief that who I am is ‘bad,’ or somehow ‘not right,’ instead of realizing that each one is reacting to themselves, and to what they have accepted and allowed within them, just as I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the ego-centric position of thinking, believing and perceiving that everything is elated to me, instead of realizing my absolute equality with everything and everyone, wherein EACH must take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that ‘I’m not good enough,’ and thus blame myself when I perceive others are dissatisfied with me/my work/our relationship/friendship, etc...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly look for dissatisfaction, in order to confirm to myself, that I am to blame.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that self-blame is an abdication of self-responsibility, because it is the statement that ‘I am flawed and cannot change, and thus I must be blamed instead.’ Within this I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that self-blame is self-sabotage, wherein I blame myself as a way to put myself down and disempower myself instead of standing up and changing me, due to the FEAR of standing up and changing me, because that would involve taking a good hard look at me, what I have allowed myself to become, and what I have accepted as myself, as less-that who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, as self-victimization, because I have blamed me over the years, instead of stopping my participation in this pattern and instead empowering myself to live me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed blame to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as blame in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of being crushed, and the absolute disempowerment that I experience when and as I participate in self-blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use blame to create a negative emotional-energetic experience within me, due to my addiction to and enslavement by the highs, neutrals and lows of energy.

When and as I see that I am participating in self-blame or blame, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back Here within reminding myself that blame only prevents me from changing that which I am blaming myself for. I direct myself to stand up within and as self-blame, and allow myself to release myself from self-blame within the understanding that it does not serve me within my process of self-change.

I commit myself to, through writing self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, eradicate self-blame and blame from my life completely, and replace it with self-responsibility- thus empowering myself to change me and direct me.

I commit myself to taking myself back from self-blame, within self-forgiveness for all the times I gave myself and my power away within and as self-blame (and blame).

I commit myself to understand and be aware of how I use self-blame daily, so that I may stop, and instead start living.

Day 11- EgoManiac Goes on the ATTACK... ends up greatly humbled

There are several if not many things that hit me where it hurts. Two of them were placed in my face today and I stood there and fought for my limitations. One is dancing- I suck at it and I feel judged when I do it. The second is working out, it’s hard and I don’t want to do it. The truth is this is my ego that judges itself and doesn’t want to work hard, and so the underlying truth is that I have resistances towards these things which I have created for myself- which aren’t even real. But the point of this blog is not the fact that I believe I can’t dance or will work out later, the point is the fight I had in me when someone tried to challenge my ego by questioning my reasoning.

            Luckily I am becoming more and more familiar with self-honesty, so as I stood there feeling increasingly constricted in my chest and super rigid and defensive, I kept telling myself, this is not true, this is not who I am. What I observed within myself was like, I scarcely had control over myself in the way I wanted to argue and defend myself- but it wasn’t even me, it was these beliefs I had created that have defined me, which I clung to for security because if I were to let them go, or to admit they weren’t real, I would have to face myself: My fear of dancing which is just my self-judgment. My resistance to working out, which is just my resistance to pushing myself. I obviously can ‘get over’ these hang-ups I have, there’s nothing stopping me from that, so everything that I was arguing was an excuse. In the end I had to swallow my ego and my pride and own up to the fact that I was justifying my limitations with excuses so as not to have to face me.

            Thankfully I did not continue arguing as I was using self-honesty to observe what was going on inside of me in terms of my reactions and emotions I could see how easily this type of thing can escalate. I saw myself trying or wanting to get mad, to fight tooth and nail to be right, even though I KNEW I was not. I was talking to someone who does not put up with my bullshit excuses, so he was not backing down either. In the end I had to admit to myself that I was limiting myself by believing my beliefs to be real, which is an interesting observation because it is an experience with which I can probably relate to adamantly religious people or ‘love and light’ spiritualists, or anyone who defines themselves and their existence upon belief systems. Believing in something faith-based while the actual physical evidence is telling something different can be a tough pill to swallow, because taking comfort in beliefs and then defining oneself by them will cause one to fight tooth and nail to not have to face the possibility that the belief isn’t real, because then the only thing left is facing yourself. When I swallowed my ego and my pride a funny thing happened, after a small inner tantrum which manifested in tears at my final ‘giving up’ on my ego’s argument, I felt more stable, I felt more Able, I felt like I could breathe again and like I could now take forward steps and start working on these areas of my life. I was humbled, which is always cool.

            So there it is- blind faith, existent within ME. I always considered myself a skeptic, but it appears I have placed blind faith in my beliefs about myself rather than beliefs outside of me such as in a god or deity or whatever. It’s different, yet at the same time it is exactly the same. Blind is blind, faith is faith. I remind myself to base my definition of myself only upon that which is Here, real, physical, which I have proven to myself through writing and application. Otherwise I will limit myself by beliefs, or believe myself to be something I am not, which is ego, and which sets me up for a great fall.

            In the end we made up. Thankfully I have been learning about and practicing the tools of self-forgiveness together with self-honesty, because without them this would have been a fight. It could have been a nasty one too. Instead it ended in a more intimate understanding of each other, a hug and a serious lesson for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as ego, within and as the self-limiting beliefs that I use to define myself in order to keep myself down, trapped and enslaved to my mind of judgment, instead of unconditionally living and constantly pushing myself to test the boundaries of my limitations so that I can see, within this lifetime, just how far I can go and what I am capable of because otherwise, what is the point of living? Within this, of course remain the principles of oneness and equality. Just because I was born into a life where I get to experiment with ‘unconditional living’ while millions starve does not give me the right to indulge my every whim and fancy as I ‘push myself to test the boundaries of my limitations,’ the focus, starting point and raison d’etre of realizing oneself as Life, is realizing Life as oneself. Therefore we have aresponsibility to Life. We have a responsibility to ourselves first, to stop our own self-enslavement to the thoughts, patterns, emotions, reaction, judgments etc…, in order that we may stand up to stop the enslavement of all by this economic system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitations, especially because I am aware of this behavior, and especially because, even as the words left my mouth, I knew what I was doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my anger outwards at the individual whom I was arguing with, instead of realizing that that anger was only all about me, as I was/am angry with myself for limiting myself, for believing my self-created limitations, and for arguing for them. The only way to release this anger is to stop creating it, by not participating in this behavior again. I can use ‘red flags’ to warn myself that I am starting to participate in such behavior, such as getting defensive and feeling my chest tightening, feeling picked on, feeling attacked, feeling what seems like an uncontrollable desire to use ridiculous excuses to defend myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue participating in self-limiting behavior which makes me angry, but not angry enough to actually change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for myself to become ‘angry enough’ before changing me, instead of being the self-directive principle of myself in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist facing me by arguing for my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ego to be me and to be real or who I really am, instead of realizing that this would be an extremely limited and enslaved existence, whereas living humbly as no-better-or-worse-than, and ‘a part of’ what is Here is expansive (as opposed to living in my own little separate bubble of an ego which is all that I know).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my internal feeling experience as an indicator of whether I am right or wrong instead of realizing I am in a reaction and thus taking a step back and looking at the situation in its entirety and seeing the opportunity which is presenting itself for me to choose Life and expansion over ego and limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become controlled by my internal experience because it seems so real and right and overpowering when I know it is not right and I know that I have a choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base right and wrong upon internal experiences felt by nobody but me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself into my own little ego bubble where I can be right just because I feel something inside of me, inside my skull-sized kingdom where I am not usually challenged, but when I am, I fight tooth and nail to be right, instead laying down my arms and facing me in equality, where I don’t become defensive because there’s nothing to defend, it’s either change, or stay limited. The only things that need to be defended and get defensive about are the things we justify when we know they are ‘wrong as in not real, not who we really are. Otherwise there would be no reaction.

I see, realize and understand that I there is no point in defending myself as ego because if I choose that route I will never have a stable leg to stand on.

I realize that if I am walking one and equal to myself then I will not get defensive and reactive, I only become these things when I am in ego, justifying my inferiority/superiority, limitation/beliefs etc…

I realize that the only way to see a situation for what it really is, is if I first make sure I’m not in a reactive state when I look at it.

I realize that how I feel inside does not dictate ‘right’ and ‘wrong.’

I realize that I always have the choice of self-direction, even when I feel like I’m in a fight for my life, only the ego has to fight for survival, Life does not need to prove its existence.

I realize that living within and as ego is an extremely limited and limiting existence which places me at the mercy of an endless imagination of fears, judgments, guilt, anxiety and all the other tricks of the mind that are self-created and not real in any way whatsoever, but which become real as we live them by participating in them.

I see, realize and understand that my anger is only about me, and it is a valuable tool for me to use in situations where I am absolutely fed up and need a push to move me from my comfort zone of habits and patterns to walk as self-directive principle into the unknown of actual living.

I commit myself to face me in every breath, Here.

I commit myself to change the things in me that I cannot accept by directing myself to write myself out and write self-corrective statements which I can practically apply and live in my daily life.

I commit myself to stop creating myself, my world and my reality according to the thoughts, feelings and emotions, validations, justifications, reactions and beliefs of the mind and to instead live Here, as an equal, one with what is Here as we all come from the same earth.

When I see myself going into the reaction of defensiveness I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am accepting and allowing my ego to emerge as me and I have a choice. I direct myself to choose life, and to swallow my pride and live equal and one with me, so that I can live equal and one with everybody and all that’s Here.

Also Check out how to practically establish a stable relationship in Failed Relationships

Day 10- Getting Others to Justify My Self-Abuse

While interacting with another person I had to use extreme self-honesty to see what I was up to within my communication with the person. I was talking about my ‘issues’ which I have been alone with for quite some time now, in which I had no reference point but my writing, which I was doing but I was ‘skirting’ the main issues. As I kept it all ‘to myself’ these points built up inside of me. One was guilt about something in my life, which was ‘weighing me down,’ another was fear, of an upcoming event that I have to wait for, the outcome of which will have big implications in my life. I was full of reasons to ‘feel bad’ and to not be present in the moment but to instead worry and torment myself about these ‘big issues’ that were bothering me.

I’m fortunate enough to have someone in my life right now who I can talk to about this stuff and who will not put up with my bullshit as excuses or justifications as to why I ‘should’ be feeling bad, living with anxieties and fears etc… when I know better. He kept calling me out and it was awesome, he was right. I had a lot of resistances to what he was saying, so I knew he was hitting all the right spots. But I found myself, in moments of unawareness, attempting to manipulate him, explain and justify myself and my reasoning for why I was feeling certain ways about certain things. I was fighting for myself to feel like shit, and I was trying to convince him so that he would agree and I would be justified. That is messed up, this is obviously a very destructive pattern which justifies an existence of guilt, fear and anxiety for me. No thanks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the manipulations of myself and another being in order to justify, excuse and validate my energetic emotional experiences of guilt, fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to think/believe/perceive my external reality to be ‘too big,’ and ‘beyond my control,’ thus allowing myself to be and become absolutely disempowered by it, thus enslaving myself to my external reality instead of walking through situations step by step, directing myself within self-honesty and honouring myself until I am through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the energetic emotional experiences of fear, guilt and anxiety due to situations beyond my control, thus allowing my internal experience to seem ‘beyond my control,’ which it is absolutely not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and others to justify the perception, idea or belief that my internal experience is beyond my control, thus abdicating my self-responsibility to direct myself, my world and my internal experience in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid facing me within seemingly overwhelming situations instead of realizing that the ‘overwhelming’ feeling is my own creation, it is not necessary, and it is within my power to remain stable as I walk through any situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and others by using manipulation to justify my ‘misery’ instead of calling myself out and taking my power back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in manipulation, justification, excuses and validation of my reactions to events that are taking place outside of me.

I realize I am fully responsible for my internal experience, and that includes maintaining self-honesty and self-movement within and through all events in life, no matter how seemingly overwhelming or ‘big’ or ‘bad’ or ‘serious’, because no matter what happens, I remain.

I realize that I am completely capable of taking my power back from outside events and directing myself breath by breath through situations or events in life.

I realize that I am capable of remaining self-honest when communicating with other human beings, and that it is abusive to myself and the other when I attempt to manipulate the conversation to justify my participation in emotions such as fear guilt and anxiety. Why would I want to justify and validate that anyways? It’s crazy.

When I see myself going into justifications, validation and excuses when in conversation with another about my emotions I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that justification, validation and excuses only serve to disempower me from actually directing myself within and as my world. I stop my participation and allow myself to realize that which I am feeling does not serve me, and I breathe until the energetic experience of ‘wanting to be right’ passes so that I can instead see the situation as something that I can navigate through by directing myself in sef-honesty.

I commit myself to self-honesty by not participating in the self-dishonest act of justifying, validating and making excuses for myself to not face me.

I commit myself to reclaim my power, which I have given away to external events which are beyond my control by reacting to them in energetic emotion al experiences instead of directing myself through them as stability.

I commit myself to directing myself through events in life within and as stability as self-honesty as life.

Day 5 – What Goes Up Must Come Down

            I am on the ‘downside’ of the patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in these last 4 days.What I am experiencing right now is VERY familiar, so it’s definitely really cool that I have been writing because now I can see the ‘up’ I went through, wherein I was motivated and I felt like I had lots of energy and I could ‘do it all’. But now, today, I feel like I’m pushing a boulder up a hill just to do the basic stuff during the day. I had resistence to pretty much every little thing I had to do. It felt very draining and I’m glad to have exposed this to myself because I’d prefer not to have to go through it so blindly again. Now that it’s identified, I can finally start taking it apart and work towards stopping it altogether.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energetic highs, wherein I become all motivated and try/attempt to ‘do it all,’ thus creating a kind of ‘high’ experience for myself that creates a poitvie energectic experience because I perceive or believe it might last forever wherein I will get so much done inmy day and in life. But now I see beyond a doubt that this is a polarity, and it has and will always lead to a crash such as the one I experienced today. It is a projection into the future about where I 'will be' at some later date, without taking into consideration where I actually am, and the steps/process it will take to get me to where I want to be.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to to see and realize the extent of my participation in the energetic possession, and for not stopping myself as soon as I realize it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within these energetic polarities without fully realizing the consequences of them and thus blindly following my experiential self into a high which leads to a crash which really fucks with me.  I have had enough of this, and I understand I will have to walk through it again and again until I deconstruct it and understand it until I am able to stand through it from beginning to end, over and over. To this, I am committed, because the alternative is polarity, the up and down that fucks with me and creates the struggle such as that which I experienced today. If it's going to be a struggle, and 'hard' within reistance, I might as well be working toward a solution rather than the perpetual cycles of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crawl through my day with internal conversation that are like whining about the smallest resistances which I knew very well were self-created, yet I accepted and allowed them to fuck with me anyways.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand up and walk breath by breath within and as self-direction throughout my entire day.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting or allowing myself to realize the importance and the utmost urgency that is required within realizing what I am capable of in terms of facing me, moving me and pushing through my self-created resistances, and the time that is wasted every time I choose not to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe resistances are real and will last forever, instead of realizing they are self-created, will last only for a finite amount of time, and if pushed through- will allow me to expend and grow.

When I see that I am facing resistances throughout my day in a moment I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that th resistances are here to be pushed through, and in order to push through them, I need to have a practical ‘plan’ to walk step by step in order to not fuck myself up due to those resistances. So, when I see that I am facing a resistance, I stop, and I breathe. I clear myself and look at the task I am resisting. I identify the end-goal and my starting point to see if it is clear, and from there, I map out the steps I will have to go through in order to complete the task.

I commit myself to practically walk through the resistances I will inevitably face as I change, and to learn how to incorporate this into m daily life until it is an automated response, more automated than my mind.

I commit myself to push me, gently, but also firmly when I have to, to really see and be aware of the resistances I manifest for me, and to stick to the application that I wrote out for myself to assist and support myself to direct myself when I face this pattern again.

Day 3- Beauty Is A Beast

Yesterday I worked at a bar. I fill in there from time-to-time. I got some attention for my physical appearance because, I guess that is what bars and alcohol are all about, sex and seduction and people trying to get laid. I understand that more now, but I still participated and I still had reactions. I felt embarrassed by it, then I went into ego, then I went into the polarity of feeling degraded. The pattern I want to reveal today is the lingering effect that this experience has upon me. Which is the desire to be seen as beautiful.

Today, when I was getting from my house to downtown, I took public transport. I found myself feeling like I needed to look good in the presence of the public. I found myself being tempted to look in the reflections of windows, and when I accepted and allowed myself to fall for this I notice now, looking back on it, that I would go from feeling like I looked good, to finding every little flaw and feeling self-conscious.

                As a woman, I have learned to place importance on beauty. Men have it too- feeling they need to look handsome, macho, manly- whatever. But I have learned and taught myself to believe that it is important to look my best-to take what I have and try to enhance it to achieve ‘beauty’. But what I’ve realized is that when I accept and allow this whole ‘beauty’ construct into my life- it only brings instability, ego, judgment and complexes. I go from feeling ‘beautiful’ and confident, and then maybe I’ll see a woman who I think is more beautiful’ and I’ll feel jealous and then inferior. I’ll start judging myself and it just goes on and on, back and forth, up and down. It’s completely bi-polar and I’m really just sick of it. It’s not worth it to put myself through all of that just to achieve this attempt at some standard of beauty which , really is never good enough. I always end up feeling like shit later, and feel like I need to do  all sorts of things to enhance my appearance again. I mean, that’s why people do all the things like fake nails and tanning and makeup and working out and hair products- to enhance themselves because they don’t feel good enough. Fuck that. I’m ready to let that all go and finally just accept myself so that I can focus on building dignity and integrity as a human being instead of spending all that time concentrating on ‘how I feel about how I look.’

                In order to accept myself I need to continue working on those things I cannot accept, which are things that may affect my physical appearance. For example- if you quit drinking, cut out sugar, don’t over eat, do fun things that move your body, concentrate on eliminating stress, anxiety etc… you may end up looking better as a consequence. But it is from a starting point of caring for yourself in every way, and not from the narrow starting point of enhancing beauty. When I look in the mirror, what I want to see reflected to me is self-love and self-acceptance. A body that is cared for, treated gratefully as an equal to me, not as something that I believes lacks something, is not good enough and and that needs to be enhanced by all sorts of activities and makeup and fake things. I want to see a body that is not abused by vices, addictions, insecurities,  bad habits or neglect, but one that gets what it needs because I am a being that considers my physical reality and is committed to being aware of what I need and how I can practically give it to myself.

                But I’m not there yet, and the first step I can take right now is to continue unlearning this pattern of the desire for beauty, which has been with me, as me, destabilizing me and fucking me up for long enough. I’ve had it, again, I’m going to write it out again, expose it again, and I’ll will do it again and again until it’s done. I commit to ridding myself of the plague of beauty, it has done enough harm and I will not accept it as me anymore. I commit myself to exposing this to myself and writing it out till I change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be beautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy my mind and thoughts with self-judgments, jealousies, superiority/inferiority and comparison in relation to the physical appearance of beauty,’ instead of directing my focus and attention on the present moment, directing myself within the reality of Hereness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind within and as the polarity thoughts of beauty, which bounce me back and forth, up and down, instead of stopping and realizing this mechanic, robotic preprogrammed game that’s not even real.

When I see myself going into thoughts and reactions in relation to ‘beauty’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization and understanding that the whole beauty game Is not real, it’s not life, and it only serves to preoccupy and destabilize. Within this realization  I remind myself that in order to accept myself as a whole being, I cannot hold onto thoughts of beauty which require me to enhance me, making the statement that I  am missing something or I lack.

I allow myself to let go of the idea or ideal of beauty that I have built and constructed over the years and applied to myself. I t does not serve me, it only brings me up and down, back and forth and around in endless repeating cycles that I’m fed up with and I refuse to continue my participation within them. I stop this pattern.

I allow myself to check myself out in the mirror to make sure that my outfit/hair etc… looks cool, practical/together, and not to judge myself and make attempts to enhance my physical appearance in order to ‘feel beautiful’ in public, which inevitably leads me to feel ugly at some later point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place any worth or importance on my physical appearance, and I realize instead that the value and importance is with my physical condition and my starting point within what I do to/for me and how I behave to/towards me. That is a starting point of self-acceptance, which includes changing the things I cannot accept, and self-love, which includes an absolute consideration for my physical body and it’s functions, rather than a judgment upon its appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become excited or thrilled by the prospect of ‘beauty’ or being seen as ‘beautiful’. This is a learned behavior that does not serve me. This is an endless chase with no reward, it is a polarity construct that perpetuates itself by binging me through ‘downs’ that lead me to desire ‘ups’, and ‘ups’ that I use to allow me to fear ‘downs’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that, if I don’t look my best. People will judge me and think that I’m lazy or sloppy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that not looking my best involves instead being lazy or sloppy, instead of realizing that not concerning myself with ‘beauty’ does not mean I stop concerning myself with myself, or to stop caring.. It is the opposite- stopping my participation in this beauty construct allows me to finally really care for myself in reality, not just as thoughts in my mind, which only care about how I feel about myself, and not how I treat myself, compose myself and create myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to treat my body as equal to and one with me, and instead to treat it as though it is a slow and cumbersome thing that cannot keep up with my mind, an uncooperative thing that does not do as I say, or an inferior thing that is not good enough for my standards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself within and through separating my mind from my physical body through participation within and as ‘beauty’ such as  judgment, inferiority/superiority, comparison, and all the thoughts, feelings and emotions that are derived from a concern with beauty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn and create ‘beauty’, an image of ‘beauty’ and ‘beauty’ as an entity in my mind, wherein I have copy and pasted images and ideas from society, culture, television, movies and magazines and people, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed them to influence me and effect who and how I am in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe the con of ‘beauty’, and to fall for the game of ‘beauty’ thus preoccupying, distracting and entertaining myself with fantasies and projections that aren’t even real, instead of directing myself Here, from moment to moment without the influence of myself as the mind.

Instead, I allow myself to consider my body in every breath, to exist within and as my body, thus considering its needs, its movement, its capabilities and its presence.

I allow myself to be patient with my physical body within the realization that I am dependent upon it, and within this, I accept and allow myself to be grateful for my physical body/existence which, without it, I would not be here.

When I go into separation of myself from my physical I stop, and I breathe. I ask myself: If I am not able to be one with and equal to myself in this way, how can I expect to treat another as one with and equal to me, or how can I claim I care for another as me, if I do not unconditionally care for/about myself in every moment. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding and realization that if I am not able to stop this obsession with beauty as separation, then I will not be able to expand and grow, but will rather be a perpetual pawn in an endless cycle of polarity.

See also:

Limitation according to body appearance – Day 5 (by Maya H)

and

Sex - Day 13+14 (also by Maya) This one is awesome!