Why Do I Accept a System of Crime?

Because I accept and allow the fact that I have more than others, and I know that this is unfair. I realize that what I have and my position in the world is a result of living in a system of inequality, where I out of sheer luck, ended up being born into the group called the ‘haves’, where I spent my life not challenging this because I was born into it and accepted it as simply ‘the way things are’.

Because of and due to my acceptance and allowance of a system of inequality, I have accepted and allowed that abject poverty, starvation, survival, lack and innumerable forms of suffering are ok to exist. 

Within this I have accepted and allowed myself to fear these atrocities, and so fear that lack, starvation, poverty and innumerable forms of suffering may occur to me - a fear which keeps me in my place and in line and paralyzed from speaking up or disrupting the system and my place within it.

Because I accept and allow self-interest, where I am fully human and deserving, and where ‘criminals’ exist only as a picture in my mind and so I do not have to consider them as fully human, equals in Life, where they exist as figments of my imagination.

Because I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to consumerism, possessed by possessions because I have accepted and allowed ‘what I have’ to determine ‘how I feel’ in terms of things like survival, security, self-image, self-worth etc… and within this have accepted and allowed a fear of loss, fear of losing myself, my things, my money, and so want to protect it, hoard it, keep others out and away, even when I know there is no system of support for them to go to.

Because I have separated myself from others with the thought that ‘it is happening to them’ and not me, and feeling relieved.

Because I’ve abdicated responsibility to governments, police and other systems to ‘take care of crime’, where if it is not happening directly to me, I don’t have to look at it.

Because I accept and allow myself to judge myself, and then punish myself in my mind, thus accepting and allowing a system of judgment/punishment within, and so as a result, equally accepting and allowing it without.

Because I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the ‘me versus them’ game, where ‘I am good’ because I do not ‘commit crime’ (as defined by the system), and ‘they are bad’ because they ‘commit crime’ (as defined by the system), instead of seeing and realizing that I AM them, seeing ‘them’ as reflections of those parts of me I have suppressed, not faced, and showing me the crimes of our combined acceptances and allowances in this world.

Because I have accepted and allowed jealousy, greed, envy and spite within and as me, where I want what others have, and where I’ve accepted and allowed disempowerment within myself and in relation to the world systems of money, jobs and consumerism, thinking and believing I am powerless to better myself and my life, and so I will instead take from others, acting within spite of others because they have what I want and so I spite them, make them less, and take what they have despite the fact that  would not want this to happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and hope that ‘crime does not happen to me’, sitting in fear of crime, holding my breath in a way, while I accept and allow crime to exist without questioning why or what can be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subscribe to a system of absolute inequality unquestioningly, where my mind exists in a small box of what is acceptable and allowable, where I never dared to peek outside that box and ask questions, or opened my mindset enough to consider that there can be another way, that solutions and change are possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a system of inequality, abject poverty, starvation, lack, survival and innumerable forms of suffering to exist within the thought that “it is ok so long as it is not happening to me” and that “I am ok to just sit here and fear it” instead of taking a stand within myself that this is not an acceptable way to live life on this earth and that I will not allow the acceptance of this within me and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and fear the atrocities of the world, fearing lack, starvation, poverty and innumerable forms of suffering, fearing that they may occur to me, a fear which keeps me in place and in line, which paralyzes me from speaking up or disrupting the order of things for fear of losing my privileged place within it, where I don’t dare go there, not even in my mind, not even opening up the possibility of another way in my mind, showing I have been mind-controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-interest, where I, in my mind, am fully human and so deserving, whereas those I perceive to be ‘criminals’ or ‘victims of crime’ exist only as a picture, a figment of my imagination and so I do not have to consider them as fully human, equals in Life, and can drop them from my mind as easily as I can drop or change a picture in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become addicted to consumerism, possessed by my possessions, where I have accepted and allowed ‘what I have’ to determine ‘who I am’ and ‘how I feel’ in terms of and in relation to things like survival, security, self-image and self-worth etc… where within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss, fear losing myself, to fear losing my things, to fear losing my money, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to protect myself, my things and my stuff, to keep others ‘out’ and ‘away’, even though I know very well there is no system of support in place for them, for those less fortunate to turn to as the world turns away and we collectively turned our backs on them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others, and react in ‘relief’ when I see that bad things are happening to them, and not me, even though if I were in their position, I would want someone to consider me, to support me, to help me out till I get on my feet, and within this, I forgive myself that I have not done unto others as I would like have done unto me, but have instead closed myself off, closed my mind as consideration, closed all the doors and locked myself into my castle of fear – much like how it play out on earth is how I exist in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility to the government, police, and other systems, for them to take care of the ‘crime problem’, the ‘crime problem’ that we have all collectively accepted and allowed, but when we do not have to deal with it directly, we do not have to look at it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to governments, where they can use my power to fuel their own corruption, or be burdened by my power, where they truly want to do something about the situation but simply cannot take it on alone without the participation of the masses, and so they get the life sucked out of them, as I sit in fear in my apparent comfort and security of ‘having enough to survive’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility to the police to please ‘take care of crime’, where they risk their lives and kill others due to this entire system that we have collectively allowed, where ‘criminals versus police’ creates a life of fear, misery, stress, anxiety, death and insecurity for the individuals directly involved and their families, where they confront reality more directly for all of us, and so we herald the police as heroes because they are standing in a position we do not want to stand in, see, look at or know about, so we honour them and give them medals, punish and judge the others for a sense of justice being done, when in fact we are actually honouring the system, justifying the system, keeping the system in place, and the front-line place keepers for not rocking the boat, because then we all know we would have to look, have to confront it, within ourselves and without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a system of ‘crime and punishment’ to exist within and as me, where I constantly judge myself in my mind, and constantly punish myself and beat myself up in my  mind, so that when I see judgment and punishment happening outside of me and in the world, I think ‘yes, I am not the only one, others must also suffer, be judged and punished like me’, and so feel a bit better when I see judgments being made and apparent ‘justice’ taking place as punishment, instead of stopping judging, coming to an understanding, and changing the circumstances that cause the problems in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the ’me’ versus ‘them’  game, where I judge myself as ‘good’ because I apparently do not commit ‘crime’ (as defined by the system), and ‘they are bad’ because they commit ‘crime’ (as define by the system), instead of seeing and realizing that I AM ‘them’, and seeing and realizing ‘them’ as reflections of me and those parts of myself within me that I have suppressed, not faced, where ‘they’ (us/we) are simply showing ‘us’ (ourselves collectively) the result and consequences of our collective acceptances and allowances in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed greed, jealousy, envy and spite to exist within and as me, wanting what others have, and instead of empowering myself to make the best life for myself and everyone else – where everyone can have what they want and need, instead go into disempowerment within myself and in relation to the world systems of money, jobs, consumerism etc… thinking and believing I am powerless, and so I would consider taking from others, acting within spite towards others because they have what I want and I can’t otherwise get it, in this, diminishing them in my mind conveniently so that taking from them does not seem so bad, even though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would not want this to be done unto me, instead of living the statement and principle of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, where I would rather have us all working on a system of support, to support each one in their lives and livelihoods.

I commit myself to break down my walls of fear, to let Life in and let myself out into the world and reality, where I commit myself to dedicate myself to a process of change, to assist and support anyone who decides to do the same, and receive assistance and support when I need it, to change in thought, word and deed to an actual creator that contributes to the creation of a world that's Best for All.

Why I am Using the 'Positive Journal' (Hint: it's not to become more positive :) )

Something I have become aware of is my 'Yes's' and 'No's' that come from somewhere deeper than my conscious-mind decision-making process. It started with food, where I was having certain physical reactions to foods, and only later noticed that I would have a full-body 'NO!' come up in me before I would eat the foods I was reactive towards. It would even happen if the food was something delicious that I normally love eating - and I normally would  eat it, ignoring my body's own natural intelligence in order to appease my craving, desire or vice, only to suffer the consequences later - but recently, I have started listening.

As I started 'listening' to this communication more and more, over time it started to make sense.  I began to learn which foods were best for me in which moments, and which were not. And the more I kept listening to my own body's intelligence, the more my relationship to foods evened out, and the more comfortable I became.

I started to expand this communication ability to other areas of my life. It was like clearing away the emotional influence in order to determine what was really best for myself in the moment. For example I would use it to place a guard over my mouth before speaking, or with projects or endeavours - whether I should commit to them or let them go, do one before another, or put it on the back burner till a later time.

When I was gifted the 'Positive Journal' I was surprised to receive a full-body 'Yes' to the prospect of actually taking the thing seriously. My conscious mind judged the book, because I am not at all in to positivity or enlightenment or anything like that. My conscious mind said 'no', but something deeper in me said 'Yes', and I am learning to listen to that something deeper, it is becoming more clear. Even if I don't understand in the moment, it always makes sense later.

It has been over a week now and I have been reading about the book and have started to complete the exercises. As I began integrating the book into my Desteni Process of re-defining and living words, the greater picture of WHY this book is supportive to me in this moment began to become more clear.

One of the first questions from DIP, when I started the course waaaaay back when, was "What is your general self-experience? Positive, negative or neutral?" I immediately answered "negative", because I was constantly stressed, always anxious, struggling, tense, chasing, escaping, living anywhere but Here in my body. That is a part of my life experience that I have brought into my Desteni Process, which created a result of focusing too much on the problems, the issues, the challenges, the obstacles. Yes, it is cool to take things on, push self, challenge self, identify problems and obstacles, but it is also cool and necessary, to take a moment to appreciate Self, to show some self-love, self-acceptance AS ONE IS, RIGHT NOW, IMPERFECTIONS AND ALL! To live some compassion, understanding, forgiveness.

This 'negativity' and constant pushing has driven me in a lot of ways, but it has been a bit of a problem as well. It is not sustainable as it causes me to crash.  I have had increased migraines and I know it is hard on my body, because even when  I would go to relax at times I would not be able to fully let go due to the constant desire to push for 'the next point/project/challenge', always striving for something or some kind of perfection that does not exist.

And as much as I KNOW what it is that I'm doing, I SEE what I must do, I have written it out, I've cried it out, I've come to realizations and done forgiveness - the thing is so deep and so stubborn that I have only managed to chip away at it here and there.

And now I have the 'Positive Journal', which I have redefined as my 'Process Journal', seeing now that I have come to associate my Process with harshness, hardness, difficulty, challenge only, when process is about creating balance, stability, self-expression, bringing out and developing both feminine and masculine living words as expressions of Self, living in a way that is sustainable, that is Best for Self.

The 'Positive Journal' is my bridge of support to create a balance, to bring out and develop my 'softer' side, within and through assisting and supporting me to start redefining and living words such as 'gratitude', 'communication', 'compassion', 'hope', 'meaning', and 'purpose'. In doing this so far, what I have seen, recognized and appreciated almost for the first time are the ways in which I am already living these words, but which went unnoticed because the way I was living them did not fit the accepted dictionary definition that I knew. So when I thought I was not living 'gratitude' and 'hope', for example, leaving me feeling 'ungrateful' and 'hopeless', upon opening up the words I saw and realized that I was in fact living them very much! I was just living them deeply inside myself, and I had never taken the time to put myself into words to gain clarity and insight, leading to opportunities for growing and expanding on these expressions of myself, which just so happens to be exactly what I need right now!

245 - Redefining Self-Equality

The dimension of the word equality that opened up for me that I will be looking at today is self-equality. This opened up as I was looking at who I am within and as relationships/agreements/sex/sexuality as who I am within and as the relationship I have developed between my mind and body over the years. It starts with who I was as a child, where I, without question, believed that I was a burden to those around me. After some bullying incidences and with no understanding of the mind back then, I also began to develop the idea and self-perception that I was generally easy to dislike, or ‘who I was’ was something that was unpleasant or offensive to others.

Looking back, it all makes more sense to me now. I see that I was odd, that I was a girl that looked and acted like a boy, I was quiet and did not approach others or make any attempt to give them an opportunity to know me more deeply. I did not, at that time, take a stand as Who I Was, develop the confidence or the ability to communicate, which would have been cool. I rather accepted my perceived reality as ‘fate’, and developed coping mechanisms to deal with the intensity of emotional experiences I would feel in relation to others.

This is not something to blame or react to now, but rather just information about ‘the way things unfolded’ in my life, what can be learned from it and how I can now change. Because if you look at it, those elements of our childhood that go undealt with, those parts that we do not look at, but rather continue with the coping and the personalities that developed as a result of it, keep in place that child that we were, somewhere deep, or even not so deep within ourselves.

Aspects of ourselves are ‘locked in’, like some un-touchable vulnerability that must be protected and defended at all costs, instead of exposing them and seeing that it no longer has to be who we are. Elements of ourselves do mature and evolve, but if we don’t look at ALL of ourselves, there will remain bits and pieces that are left behind in an eternal child-like state that only takes on an adult facade.

This is how my relationship to my body and my relationship to men developed – with a crucial part of me that was left behind, a very specific dimension or myself was trapped within a self-perception and self-belief that was developed early in childhood and never questioned.

How this unfolded is as follows: as a bit of a ‘late bloomer’ compared to my peers at the time, I only developed an interest in the opposite sex in my late teens. By then, my body had matured, and based on the attention I got for it, as well as the media and Hollywood as my guides for how the world works, I began to understand that my shape and form was something desirable. Couple this understanding with the fact that I still held on to the perception that ‘Who I Was’ as a person beyond the physical was someone easy to dislike, a burden and offensive, and the result was that I supressed myself as ‘Who I Am’, and placed my physical appearance at the forefront as that of me that has value.

When I developed strong urges to be in a relationship, I would put my body and appearance out like bait, luring in the opposite sex, suppressing everything of me and learning through media, Hollywood and my peers who to be and how to act instead as something and someone that is ‘likeable’, ‘inoffensive’, and ‘of benefit’ and not a burden to others. This created exceptional inequality within and as me, where my physical appearance and my ‘act’ as personality superseded in every way my ‘Who I Am’ as a being. Its almost like our current global situation where we tend not to look at those perceived dark, shameful people and places in our cities and countries, that offensive poverty that tarnishes the beautiful and glamourous world of the wealthy. And then on an individual level we do the same within our families and ourselves; hiding that which is perceived as ‘dark’ and ‘shameful’, presenting only the acceptable picture presentation.

This is how the self-inequality is reflected in the world, where, what we accept and allow within ourselves, we also accept and allow on the large-scale, and so it all seems so normal cause we’re all doing it, when in fact it is actually quite twisted and distorted.

The result of this lived inequality, for me, was a polarity between loving and hating my physical body, as well as never really getting to know myself as Who I Am for real, because I had written myself off as ‘a burden’, ‘offensive’ and ‘unlikeable’. What I got to know intimately was who and how to be as a coping mechanism for situations, interactions and events in life.

So, that is all well and good, but what to do with this information? As I had mentioned earlier, I am looking at this internal self-inequality in relation to relationships/agreements/partners/the opposite sex as the situations and events in my life that really expose this point in me. Within it being exposed, I have worked with it, pushing to equalize my internal relationship by honouring my body as my temple, the place where I live, as well as bringing forth the ‘real me’, although, this has been more of a process of definition and discovery, as this part of me had been hidden, supressed and undeveloped for so long.

It’s not to say that the parts of myself as the character and personalities that I developed over time had been completely in vain. I have learned valuable lessons, I have grown and expanded, pushing little bits of myself here and there, showing myself through experience who and what I am, what I like and dislike, and through consequence, what I am not or will not accept and allow. When and as moving forward though, the pre-programmed path as personalities and characters is the path of least resistance. It is the well-lit way, the familiar, comfortable one, despite the knowledge of the consequence and outflows it brings – when I am not self-directive and aware, it is the path I will likely, subconsciously choose.

The other path, that of eternal self-discovery and self-creation, is the un-lit path as it is the path into the unknown. The one where comfort zones are challenged and where those self-beliefs and self-perceptions that went unchallenged from earlier years are confronted and must be re-written, re-defined and re-scripted into the way it should have been, the way where I do stand as Who I Am, I don’t write myself off, and where I examine those little bits of myself that I had buried in deep places, now having become to scary to confront, yet what is often the case is that the monsters under the bed turn out to be only figments of the imagination when you muster up the courage to shine a light under there to remind yourself of the difference between fantasy and reality.

What this means, translated into practical, do-able terms, actual steps to take to bring realizations through to application and reality, is that when I am in these situations again – those times where I feel that parts of me must be hidden and suppressed, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-completion by bringing through All of me unconditionally, even those parts I had previously judged as ‘burdensome’, ‘unlikeable’ and ‘offensive’ to others, because the only way to see if this is in fact the reality, is to expose myself to myself, and see, realize and understand that how I am received by others says more about them and their self-relationship than it does about Who I Am. I will only ever change or alter myself from a starting point of what is best for me, where the change or re-alignment comes from a decision made in awareness as something that I am living that is not beneficial to myself, so that I can look at it and change it into something that is.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry the self-definition that I am a ‘burden’, ‘undesireable’ and ‘easy to dislike’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to change myself and cover up parts of myself that I have, over time, defined as ‘a burden’, ‘undesireable’ and ‘easy to dislike’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my assertiveness as undesireable because it is un-lady-like and does not match the stereotypical ‘damsel in distress’ architype I learned from my environment, Disney movies and fairy tales.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang on to the stereotypical ideal of what it is to be a woman that I learned from media, society and my environment during and throughout childhood and adolescence.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my strength and independence within the thought, perception or belief that these qualities are threatening to my partner, and should therefor be supressed and hidden and only lived when I am alone or with others that I think I will not scare away or hurt in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that being ‘weak’, ‘delicate’ and ‘in need of being saved’ are desirable attributes and characteristics when it comes to entering into a relationship/agreement/partnership, thus placing them in the forefront while placing my strength, independence and ability to direct myself more in the background of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself in relationships by narrowing my focus of myself into only those internal and external qualities I find desirable while essentially abandoning parts of myself that I believe to be masculine and threatening or in any way undesirable, instead of bringing all of myself equally forward.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to exist as an inner and outer equality, with myself as my beingness standing as the directive principle deciding what is brought forward and when based on which expressions of myself is practical or which needs time and attention to be developed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body, seeing my body like a tool to use to manipulate others, seeing my body through the eyes of others instead of living IN my body as an extension of myself and simply another means with which to express myself.

When and as I see myself separating myself and creating an inequality within and as myself by highlighting or hiding aspects of myself when with another, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to a self-equality by looking at the situation and looking at myself within it and deciding in awareness what is the best expression of myself to bring forward based on common-sense self-awareness and the self-understanding I have developed over time within myself.