Why Do I Accept a System of Crime?

Because I accept and allow the fact that I have more than others, and I know that this is unfair. I realize that what I have and my position in the world is a result of living in a system of inequality, where I out of sheer luck, ended up being born into the group called the ‘haves’, where I spent my life not challenging this because I was born into it and accepted it as simply ‘the way things are’.

Because of and due to my acceptance and allowance of a system of inequality, I have accepted and allowed that abject poverty, starvation, survival, lack and innumerable forms of suffering are ok to exist. 

Within this I have accepted and allowed myself to fear these atrocities, and so fear that lack, starvation, poverty and innumerable forms of suffering may occur to me - a fear which keeps me in my place and in line and paralyzed from speaking up or disrupting the system and my place within it.

Because I accept and allow self-interest, where I am fully human and deserving, and where ‘criminals’ exist only as a picture in my mind and so I do not have to consider them as fully human, equals in Life, where they exist as figments of my imagination.

Because I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to consumerism, possessed by possessions because I have accepted and allowed ‘what I have’ to determine ‘how I feel’ in terms of things like survival, security, self-image, self-worth etc… and within this have accepted and allowed a fear of loss, fear of losing myself, my things, my money, and so want to protect it, hoard it, keep others out and away, even when I know there is no system of support for them to go to.

Because I have separated myself from others with the thought that ‘it is happening to them’ and not me, and feeling relieved.

Because I’ve abdicated responsibility to governments, police and other systems to ‘take care of crime’, where if it is not happening directly to me, I don’t have to look at it.

Because I accept and allow myself to judge myself, and then punish myself in my mind, thus accepting and allowing a system of judgment/punishment within, and so as a result, equally accepting and allowing it without.

Because I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the ‘me versus them’ game, where ‘I am good’ because I do not ‘commit crime’ (as defined by the system), and ‘they are bad’ because they ‘commit crime’ (as defined by the system), instead of seeing and realizing that I AM them, seeing ‘them’ as reflections of those parts of me I have suppressed, not faced, and showing me the crimes of our combined acceptances and allowances in this world.

Because I have accepted and allowed jealousy, greed, envy and spite within and as me, where I want what others have, and where I’ve accepted and allowed disempowerment within myself and in relation to the world systems of money, jobs and consumerism, thinking and believing I am powerless to better myself and my life, and so I will instead take from others, acting within spite of others because they have what I want and so I spite them, make them less, and take what they have despite the fact that  would not want this to happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and hope that ‘crime does not happen to me’, sitting in fear of crime, holding my breath in a way, while I accept and allow crime to exist without questioning why or what can be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subscribe to a system of absolute inequality unquestioningly, where my mind exists in a small box of what is acceptable and allowable, where I never dared to peek outside that box and ask questions, or opened my mindset enough to consider that there can be another way, that solutions and change are possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a system of inequality, abject poverty, starvation, lack, survival and innumerable forms of suffering to exist within the thought that “it is ok so long as it is not happening to me” and that “I am ok to just sit here and fear it” instead of taking a stand within myself that this is not an acceptable way to live life on this earth and that I will not allow the acceptance of this within me and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and fear the atrocities of the world, fearing lack, starvation, poverty and innumerable forms of suffering, fearing that they may occur to me, a fear which keeps me in place and in line, which paralyzes me from speaking up or disrupting the order of things for fear of losing my privileged place within it, where I don’t dare go there, not even in my mind, not even opening up the possibility of another way in my mind, showing I have been mind-controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-interest, where I, in my mind, am fully human and so deserving, whereas those I perceive to be ‘criminals’ or ‘victims of crime’ exist only as a picture, a figment of my imagination and so I do not have to consider them as fully human, equals in Life, and can drop them from my mind as easily as I can drop or change a picture in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become addicted to consumerism, possessed by my possessions, where I have accepted and allowed ‘what I have’ to determine ‘who I am’ and ‘how I feel’ in terms of and in relation to things like survival, security, self-image and self-worth etc… where within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss, fear losing myself, to fear losing my things, to fear losing my money, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to protect myself, my things and my stuff, to keep others ‘out’ and ‘away’, even though I know very well there is no system of support in place for them, for those less fortunate to turn to as the world turns away and we collectively turned our backs on them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others, and react in ‘relief’ when I see that bad things are happening to them, and not me, even though if I were in their position, I would want someone to consider me, to support me, to help me out till I get on my feet, and within this, I forgive myself that I have not done unto others as I would like have done unto me, but have instead closed myself off, closed my mind as consideration, closed all the doors and locked myself into my castle of fear – much like how it play out on earth is how I exist in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility to the government, police, and other systems, for them to take care of the ‘crime problem’, the ‘crime problem’ that we have all collectively accepted and allowed, but when we do not have to deal with it directly, we do not have to look at it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to governments, where they can use my power to fuel their own corruption, or be burdened by my power, where they truly want to do something about the situation but simply cannot take it on alone without the participation of the masses, and so they get the life sucked out of them, as I sit in fear in my apparent comfort and security of ‘having enough to survive’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility to the police to please ‘take care of crime’, where they risk their lives and kill others due to this entire system that we have collectively allowed, where ‘criminals versus police’ creates a life of fear, misery, stress, anxiety, death and insecurity for the individuals directly involved and their families, where they confront reality more directly for all of us, and so we herald the police as heroes because they are standing in a position we do not want to stand in, see, look at or know about, so we honour them and give them medals, punish and judge the others for a sense of justice being done, when in fact we are actually honouring the system, justifying the system, keeping the system in place, and the front-line place keepers for not rocking the boat, because then we all know we would have to look, have to confront it, within ourselves and without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a system of ‘crime and punishment’ to exist within and as me, where I constantly judge myself in my mind, and constantly punish myself and beat myself up in my  mind, so that when I see judgment and punishment happening outside of me and in the world, I think ‘yes, I am not the only one, others must also suffer, be judged and punished like me’, and so feel a bit better when I see judgments being made and apparent ‘justice’ taking place as punishment, instead of stopping judging, coming to an understanding, and changing the circumstances that cause the problems in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the ’me’ versus ‘them’  game, where I judge myself as ‘good’ because I apparently do not commit ‘crime’ (as defined by the system), and ‘they are bad’ because they commit ‘crime’ (as define by the system), instead of seeing and realizing that I AM ‘them’, and seeing and realizing ‘them’ as reflections of me and those parts of myself within me that I have suppressed, not faced, where ‘they’ (us/we) are simply showing ‘us’ (ourselves collectively) the result and consequences of our collective acceptances and allowances in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed greed, jealousy, envy and spite to exist within and as me, wanting what others have, and instead of empowering myself to make the best life for myself and everyone else – where everyone can have what they want and need, instead go into disempowerment within myself and in relation to the world systems of money, jobs, consumerism etc… thinking and believing I am powerless, and so I would consider taking from others, acting within spite towards others because they have what I want and I can’t otherwise get it, in this, diminishing them in my mind conveniently so that taking from them does not seem so bad, even though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would not want this to be done unto me, instead of living the statement and principle of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, where I would rather have us all working on a system of support, to support each one in their lives and livelihoods.

I commit myself to break down my walls of fear, to let Life in and let myself out into the world and reality, where I commit myself to dedicate myself to a process of change, to assist and support anyone who decides to do the same, and receive assistance and support when I need it, to change in thought, word and deed to an actual creator that contributes to the creation of a world that's Best for All.

Cleaning Up Shit and Undeniable Self-Responsiblity: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

After getting to bed waaaay too late, I was awoken at 5AM by a dog at my door. I opened it up to find a vast expanse of the living room floor covered in dog pee and diarrhea, about four or five distinct and large droppings, and then a plethora of small squirts and spurts splayed throughout to give a nice, balanced spread, like a work of art.

I turned around and went back to bed.

Backchat: "It's waaaay too early for this", "I definitely can't clean this up, I will vomit!", "someone else that has more time will get up and do it", "I did not CHOOSE this!".
...and on and on went my mind as I tossed and turned and could not avoid the undeniable position of responsibility I was in. So finally, I got up.

Attempt to avoid #1: Placing paper towels over all the poos and pees and going back to bed.
...backchat... tossing and turning...

Attempt #2: Wiping it all up all the poos and pees and heading back towards my room.
....undeniable responsibility stops me at the door.

Seeing it through: Finally, I had to live my understanding and realization of what it means to live self-responsibility, what it means to live self-movement, and what it means to move self despite resistances, backchat, justification and excuses, even and ESPECIALLY in the small, seemingly insignificant moments of Life.

So I went outside, found the mop, filled the bucket with soapy water and mopped the floor. Done.

The moral of the story?

Get up, get your ass out of bed and stand up at the beginning of each day, no matter what the day throws at you, even if it is, quite literally, really shitty (and not planned, not what you asked for, not something you created, or simply not pleasant).

In the daily moments, we learn, we practice, we develop. This is where and how we create self-will, bit by bit, moment by moment, practicing in the small, like a muscle, accumulation, and then ready and able if and when the big blows do come.

Standing up means moving self despite the mind-made reality, standing up from within excuses, avoidance, fear, justification and the rest of the figurative shit we create for ourselves to wade through in our own minds. Reality is tough enough as it is, why add to it unnecessarily?

 Wake up, BREATHE, be HERE, MOVE, and do what must be done.

Day 206 - I Taught Myself How to Make A Real Decision

After having created a life of consequence in the form of debt, health problems, addiction, wasted work experience, and isolation, I made one of the most important decisions of my life. It was a decision for myself alone at first, where I stood solid and firm as the decision-maker, in complete and raw self-honesty. I decided that I was going to stop living in such a way where the outflows of my choices, actions and decisions were that of consequence and self-diminishment and instead start the process of making decisions that would create myself as a better human being.

I saw that I had to do this for myself first, but that as a result I would be a better version of myself for those in my reality and thus, be a better human being in this world. I wrote out a list of self-commitments, such as:

"I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for the decision that I make, and to stand within and as the decisions that I make, so that they are MY decisions.

I commit myself to stop seeking/wanting/needing/desiring validation and approval for the decision that I make.

I commit myself to making decisions and taking action based on the principles I decide to stand by, and not based on what’s easiest or what I’m in the mood for.

I commit myself to eradicate the fear of failure from my Life."

I also wrote out instructions for myself, guidelines based in principle that I could look to in moments when I would face those moments of wanting to abandon myself within the decision-making process.

Interestingly, when I decided to make decisions in this way, my life literally fell apart. I learned that I had been holding some expectations that things would get better because I was assisting and supporting myself to create a better self. What I hadn't considered was the fact that my entire reality had been built upon a habitual and patterned foundation of character, and now that I was changing myself at this foundational level, all the structures I had built upon it were crumbling.

I am grateful for this now though, because I can see now that in order to build the new, I must at the same time let go of the old. The things that I let go of were relationships that I had formed that were not best for me (either changed/altered or left completely), environments/living situations that were not optimal were left and new ones were created, career changes made, addictive substances were removed from my life, and many other changes, both internal and external took place.

Each of these actions of letting-go were a result of my new decision-making process. Each one taking away hiding places, dependencies and escape or avoidance mechanisms. This left me squarely in the face of the reality of myself. From this position I had to face many of my own weaknesses (strengths in the making!), I had to make many mistakes (mis-takes), and I had to step up or step out. Herein, another important decision: I chose (and continue to choose) to step up, I want to play, I am here to participate fully.

In my next post I will share how I dug myself out of the hole that was left, and began to build something almost entirely new.


To find out how I got here, read my previous blog: The Day I Realized I Had A Profound Inability to Make Decisions For Myself

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Day 57- Am I But a Reactive Child Trapped in a Woman's Body?

I was helping my mom clean up after dinner, and she was very tired. I wanted to be a help within what I was doing, as I saw she was observably tired. Within self-honesty, I saw I was looking for appreciation, so when my mom instead gave me some instructions, I reacted within myself. I felt very angry, but pushed it down and breathed, and followed her instructions, which were about how to put leftovers in a container. I find, even as a grown woman, I sometimes react as a child within myself when and as I am in the presence of parental figures. This is obviously ridiculous and not beneficial to me or anyone in any way whatsoever, so I am going to write out this experience to find the root cause, in order to uproot it from within and as myself, so that I can grow from new roots which I decide myself, instead of roots grounded in years of childish reactions, suppressions, self-programming, memories, emotions and feelings etc… Herein, I have discovered another character that I play, that of the ‘child.’ Within and as this character I am dependent, needy of validation and approval from parental figures, I am extremely sensitive to the behaviours of parental figures as I interpret them as always having to do with me- thus taking them personally as I interpret them this way and that, thus sending myself on a rollercoaster ride of reactions when and as I am in the presence of any such parental figures.

Keeping in mind- this has nothing to do with my actual mom/parents/people. My writing here is concerned only with the perception I have created over time, as I experienced myself as a child right through till this very moment. This perception is based on my own interpretation of behaviours situations and events, which, as will be revealed within the following writing, has nothing to do with the actual reality, and has only to do with what I have accepted and allowed within my own mind, which happened to be revealed to me in a simple situation with my mom, one that did not merit any type of reaction, but a reaction came up from within me- thus I know it is an illusion ithat has influenced me and it has to be investigated.

Identifying the trigger points:

Trigger-point 1: voice tonality

Trigger-point 2: giving of instructions on/about a task

Trigger-point 1: Voice tonality

Reactions:

The following reactions are self-projections, wherein I am projecting myself on to a parental figure instead of taking responsibility for myself in the moment. This will be elaborated upon in the next two posts. For now I reveal what it is I am projecting on to another being by writing out my back chat, in order that I may, in the next two posts, take it back to myself so that I can take responsibility for it and stop projecting- rather taking self-responsibility in each moment.

Reaction A:  Anger. Thought: The person is not paying attention to what they are saying to me. If he/she were more aware of how she/he speaks to me/what he/she says to me she/he would realize that I am no longer a child in need of constant instruction.

Reaction B: Annoyance. Thought: The person is on auto pilot- not present with me

Reaction C:  Frustration. Thought: The person is trying to ‘help’ me complete a task by offering unneeded instructions with a lack of awareness, instead of actually assisting and supporting me in ways which consider the reality of the situation.

Reaction D:  Anger. Thought: as my creator he/she should apply him-/herself to the utmost to be present and aware with me, and do everything in his/her power to support me to empower myself and grow.

Reaction E: Anger, Thought: The person sounds so sleepy, like he/she just wants to go to bed, yet feels he/she has to help me clean up, instead of taking care of him-/herself and going to bed, exerting his-/herself to instruct me, as if I can’t do it on my own. He/She is putting his-/herself last and placing being responsible for others else before his/her own wellbeing.

 

Trigger-point 2:  The giving of instructions on/about a task.

Reactions: 

Reaction F:  Anger: Thought: She always gives me instructions, which make me feel undermined as she makes the statement that she does not believe I can do it on my own.

Reaction G:  Anger: Thought: She doesn’t see my as an adult, my accomplishments and capabilities, she must see me as a child requiring instruction for even the smallest things.

Reaction H:  Resent: Thought: She does not appreciate what I’m trying to do for her in terms of helping out around the house, instead she feels as though I shouldn’t help and she should do everything and be responsible for everything.\

...
Self-forgiveness statements to follow in the next post...