Discernment and Diet, Honouring My Body: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

It started with setting out on a process to honour my physical body, and ended in me falling flat and almost dropping it all, wondering… “what happened?”

I had been hearing about and doing some research on ‘Intermittent Fasting’. It had been getting really good reviews from others, and at times when I’d tested it, I liked the result and how it made me feel physically, but I had never done it for more than a few days or a week.

At the same time, I was using an app to develop a better and more consistent routine for myself. The routine consisted of starting small, with habits like drinking water, eating a healthy breakfast and doing light exercise in the morning.

I found there to be some stress building around me trying to integrate these two different elements into my life, firstly because the information was conflicting. For example, one was saying I should eat a healthy breakfast, and the other was telling me to wait and only eat after the 16 hour fast was over. Where I would be having this dilemma that I should now be eating, but no! I should wait till the fast is over! And secondly, sometimes my body or my day was not suitable for the exercise to happen at the time it should, or the breakfast to be as it should due to time or missing ingredients, and I would start going into panic or judgment that now I am falling on my commitment!

In essence: in an attempt to honour my physical body physically, I was instead causing emotional stress and self-abuse through my own reactions to trying to do everything right and follow all the instructions!

What I realize was that, these plans that have fixed and rigid times and schedules are not taking into consideration the most important ingredient: ME, my body, my physical composition, my responsibilities, my process points I am facing, and everything that makes up my physical and mental life that I walk with every day.

My hormones fluctuate throughout the month with my menstrual cycle, and sometimes I am very hungry later in the evening, or if I don’t eat, I begin to shake and have a blood-sugar crash. While other times the thought of food repulses me in the mornings. Sometimes my mornings are calm and relaxed with little physical activity, and sometimes I have a very physically busy day. I have OCD and migraines that make frequent disruptions in my plans, structure and scheduling, as well as being located on a farm where visits to town are less frequent, and where there are people, animals and other responsibilities that impact my life in ways that can be unplanned and unpredictable.

This is just one small example of the conflicting information we can receive from experts, from science, from plans, articles or the most recent fads – in the sea of information we are quite literally bombarded with each day, which wants us to follow their instructions and their plans to a ‘T’, while not taking into consideration that every single human being has drastically different physical, mental and emotional realities to consider, and that the changes of needs and requirements for one person can also fluctuate quite drastically throughout the week or months.

I am working with how to place ‘me’ firmly WITHIN MYSELF first, as I slowly introduce, test out and integrate pieces of information, instead of placing me within the information, as if that ‘me’ is a little mysterious black box that ‘should’ respond to the application of information exactly as it depicts.

In this way, I am using the information as tools to get to know me/myself/my body better: what do I need right now and what information would be the most supportive to apply? What are my requirements and how do they change over the course of the month? Which tool can I bring in for these days or couple of days that would support me best in these moments? In order to be able to discern which information would be of best support for me in the moment, I must first have an effective awareness and communication with my own body, and using the information as ‘tools’ in my life can assist and support in my process of developing that.

So, it’s a getting-to-know the information, getting-to-know me, and getting-to-know how the information integrates into me and my life in order to be able to discern what information to apply in my life and when.

If you’re curious, what I’ve found out is that for about two weeks a month, it is usually best to drop the intermittent fasting (before, during and a bit after menstruation). During menstruation I basically give my body what it wants, more sleep, and I place less importance on the exercise in the mornings and just make sure I move throughout the day a bit. I can be more disciplined for the other two weeks. I do drink the water every day, and will eat in the mornings usually 1-2 hours after waking up unless I wake up hungry. If I feel a migraine coming, that takes priority where rest, low stimulation, consistent food and water is what I need, and then with OCD, the best thing is for me to bring in the discipline and instruction-following – There is no plan on earth out there that is developed for this specific set of parameters. I have done this for me, and in the end, using my discernment when it comes to information has been the answer I was looking for in terms of how to honour my physical body, while taking into consideration that I am more that just a body, I am a mind, a beingness, and a person that lives in a specific environment at a specific time in my life.

Discernment
Dis-earn-meant
Dis - dissecting the information
Earn – Earning the solution/answer through doing the work
Meant – ‘intention’, doing it with intention/being clear on what I intent to achieve, what I mean to do.

For some VERY supportive insights into this topic, have a listen to: https://eqafe.com/p/losing-yourself-in-the-information-age-back-to-basics

Consider subscribing to the EQAFE Unlimited plan for unlimited access to EQAFE recordings for 30 euros a month at www.eqafe.com.

Day 206 - I Taught Myself How to Make A Real Decision

After having created a life of consequence in the form of debt, health problems, addiction, wasted work experience, and isolation, I made one of the most important decisions of my life. It was a decision for myself alone at first, where I stood solid and firm as the decision-maker, in complete and raw self-honesty. I decided that I was going to stop living in such a way where the outflows of my choices, actions and decisions were that of consequence and self-diminishment and instead start the process of making decisions that would create myself as a better human being.

I saw that I had to do this for myself first, but that as a result I would be a better version of myself for those in my reality and thus, be a better human being in this world. I wrote out a list of self-commitments, such as:

"I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for the decision that I make, and to stand within and as the decisions that I make, so that they are MY decisions.

I commit myself to stop seeking/wanting/needing/desiring validation and approval for the decision that I make.

I commit myself to making decisions and taking action based on the principles I decide to stand by, and not based on what’s easiest or what I’m in the mood for.

I commit myself to eradicate the fear of failure from my Life."

I also wrote out instructions for myself, guidelines based in principle that I could look to in moments when I would face those moments of wanting to abandon myself within the decision-making process.

Interestingly, when I decided to make decisions in this way, my life literally fell apart. I learned that I had been holding some expectations that things would get better because I was assisting and supporting myself to create a better self. What I hadn't considered was the fact that my entire reality had been built upon a habitual and patterned foundation of character, and now that I was changing myself at this foundational level, all the structures I had built upon it were crumbling.

I am grateful for this now though, because I can see now that in order to build the new, I must at the same time let go of the old. The things that I let go of were relationships that I had formed that were not best for me (either changed/altered or left completely), environments/living situations that were not optimal were left and new ones were created, career changes made, addictive substances were removed from my life, and many other changes, both internal and external took place.

Each of these actions of letting-go were a result of my new decision-making process. Each one taking away hiding places, dependencies and escape or avoidance mechanisms. This left me squarely in the face of the reality of myself. From this position I had to face many of my own weaknesses (strengths in the making!), I had to make many mistakes (mis-takes), and I had to step up or step out. Herein, another important decision: I chose (and continue to choose) to step up, I want to play, I am here to participate fully.

In my next post I will share how I dug myself out of the hole that was left, and began to build something almost entirely new.


To find out how I got here, read my previous blog: The Day I Realized I Had A Profound Inability to Make Decisions For Myself

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Day 45- A Lump in my Breast Part 2

These are self-corrective statements and self-commitments which are tools that I can use to practically guide myself in the moment when I experience the fears/anxieties etc... that I mentioned in my last post wherein I applied self-forgiveness statements to the experience of finding a mass in my breast and the subsequent doctor's visit.

When and as I see that I am pitying myself because of and due to the lump I found in my breast I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that that regardless of what happens, Who I am is constant and consistent within every Here moment as I breathe in every moment, regardless of what happens, and no matter the outcome, this will not change, until I die- which is inevitable, so no matter what, I live and apply me in every moment that I Live Here.

I commit myself to eradicate self-pity from within and as me, because self-pity Is disempowering and is an energetic experience that is not Life and is not who I am.

I commit myself to take my power back from the internal energetic experience of self-pity and instead apply myself Here, as self-directive standing/walking.

When and as I see that I am seeking pity from others in order to validate my own self-pity, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that self-pity is a justification and excuse to give up on myself and feel sorry for myself, making the statement that I am incapable, thus I am giving my power away instead of pushing myself in every moment to breathe, to practice self-honesty, to self-correct and to walk my process.

I commit myself to standing absolute within self-honesty, and within this I commit myself to stop using my environment and manipulating others in my environment as a means to circumvent self-honesty in order to not have to face me.

I commit myself to face myself within self-forgiveness no matter what I have accepted and allowed within myself, because I commit myself to walk the process of taking absolute self-responsibility for/of mysef.

When and as I see that I am growing angry at others due to and because of the way they are behaving or not behaving to/towards me I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within bringing the anger back to self- and realizing that I am only angry at myself, because in wanting them to behave in certain ways- I am wanting them to change the way I experience myself. I am wanting/needing/desiring them to make me feel safe, secure, loved, cared about etc… which only indicates that I’m not doing/being/giving these things to myself already.

I accept and allow myself to be safe and secure within myself, knowing nothing and nobody can harm/take away who I am but me.

I accept and allow myself to love and care for myself unconditionally.

I commit myself to creating  self-stability within and as myself that I can depend on, and I commit myself to walk the process to/towards self-love, self-care, self-nurturing and self-acceptance.

When and as I see that I am occupying my mind with future-based fears/fears in reaction to future projection (such as health), I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the present moment by reminding myself that it is the only moment that exists. I allow myself to breathe through the fears as a stand in the present moment and ground myself until the fears crumble away into nothingness, which they will, because they are not real. I realize that participating in such thought is abusive to me and causes me harm and thus I stop this pattern within me as it does not serve me.

I commit myself to stopping my participation in future projections and future-based fears in order that I may live in the present, Here, with and as everything and everyone else, equal and one.

DAY 44- A Lump in my Breast

Today I went to the doctor to have her look at a lump in my breast. She obviously couldn’t do much more than direct me to make an appointment at another clinic for an ultrasound, and of course to assure me that it’s probably a cyst or a benign tumor. However, like many human beings who have been in this situation before me, I am confronted by the experience of the possibility of cancer in a more real and imminent way than before I discovered the lump. I don’t feel an experience of fear within me at the thought of an early death or the possibility of cancer and chemo, but I’m going to forgive these future projections anyways because I may be suppressing it, keeping it together and ‘staying strong,’ because what’s the point of reacting in any way, when I don’t know the answer and there’s nothing I can do but wait for it? However, I cried on the way home from the doctor’s office because of the experience of self-pity, but also as a release of stress/anxiety from having to wait three days before actually going to the doctor and getting things moving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself because I found a lump in my breast and now I have to deal with getting it checked out and waiting for results.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire pity from others because I have a lump in my breast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want people to act differently around me now and then get angry when they act differently and get angry when they don’t act differently instead of realizing that I’m projecting myself on to everyone because I am angry at the existence of cancer and what it does to people and what it could do to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself because of the sad cancer stories I’ve seen in media, television and movies that I have copy and pasted into myself and judged thus creating and manifesting this experience of self-pity and being a victim because I have judged those with cancer in the media, television and movies as sad victims.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a sad victim.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as a sad victim because I found a lump in my breast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as a sad victim because I found a lump in my breast, instead of standing up within the realization that nothing is different about who I am, and who I am remains the same no matter what changes in my external environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future about having to undergo chemo and getting sick and not being able to work, and identifying that as a sad yet heroic event because of how I’ve seen it portrayed in movies, on television and in the media.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear chemo treatments and becoming sick and invalid during the treatment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my health and having to depend on others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to depend on others because I judge it as weak and limiting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge receiving assistance and support from others at certain times where that is required, as weak and limiting, instead of realizing and understanding that one must utilize the support within one’s environment when it is required.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having cancer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having manifested cancer for myself because of and due to self-suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger towards the thought of manifesting cancer for myself through self-suppression because I did not understand or realize how to be any other way, instead of taking that anger and bringing it Here, and working with it, as it, toward stopping self-suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of cancer to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dying young.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I might not be able to survive if I had cancer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my fears of an early death and not surviving cancer into the future and then fear my own projections.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of death to exist within and as me.

Self-corrective statements to follow.