Day 206 - I Taught Myself How to Make A Real Decision

After having created a life of consequence in the form of debt, health problems, addiction, wasted work experience, and isolation, I made one of the most important decisions of my life. It was a decision for myself alone at first, where I stood solid and firm as the decision-maker, in complete and raw self-honesty. I decided that I was going to stop living in such a way where the outflows of my choices, actions and decisions were that of consequence and self-diminishment and instead start the process of making decisions that would create myself as a better human being.

I saw that I had to do this for myself first, but that as a result I would be a better version of myself for those in my reality and thus, be a better human being in this world. I wrote out a list of self-commitments, such as:

"I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for the decision that I make, and to stand within and as the decisions that I make, so that they are MY decisions.

I commit myself to stop seeking/wanting/needing/desiring validation and approval for the decision that I make.

I commit myself to making decisions and taking action based on the principles I decide to stand by, and not based on what’s easiest or what I’m in the mood for.

I commit myself to eradicate the fear of failure from my Life."

I also wrote out instructions for myself, guidelines based in principle that I could look to in moments when I would face those moments of wanting to abandon myself within the decision-making process.

Interestingly, when I decided to make decisions in this way, my life literally fell apart. I learned that I had been holding some expectations that things would get better because I was assisting and supporting myself to create a better self. What I hadn't considered was the fact that my entire reality had been built upon a habitual and patterned foundation of character, and now that I was changing myself at this foundational level, all the structures I had built upon it were crumbling.

I am grateful for this now though, because I can see now that in order to build the new, I must at the same time let go of the old. The things that I let go of were relationships that I had formed that were not best for me (either changed/altered or left completely), environments/living situations that were not optimal were left and new ones were created, career changes made, addictive substances were removed from my life, and many other changes, both internal and external took place.

Each of these actions of letting-go were a result of my new decision-making process. Each one taking away hiding places, dependencies and escape or avoidance mechanisms. This left me squarely in the face of the reality of myself. From this position I had to face many of my own weaknesses (strengths in the making!), I had to make many mistakes (mis-takes), and I had to step up or step out. Herein, another important decision: I chose (and continue to choose) to step up, I want to play, I am here to participate fully.

In my next post I will share how I dug myself out of the hole that was left, and began to build something almost entirely new.


To find out how I got here, read my previous blog: The Day I Realized I Had A Profound Inability to Make Decisions For Myself

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Day 84- Making the Decision: Taking Myself Back

Within this blog I am making the self-commitment statements and scripting the self-corrective application based on yesterday’s blog, “Day83- Why Can’t I Make A Decision,” in order to take myself back from the indecisiveness, anger and frustration which I manifest within and as me when I participate in trying to gain validation and approval for my actions and decisions.

I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for the decision that I make, and to stand within and as the decisions that I make, so that they are MY decisions.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by another/others within my decision-making process, I stop, and I breathe. I take myself back and give myself ownership of my decisions by breathing through any energetic reactions I experience within and as me, and I direct myself to make a quick list of the pros and cons of all sides of the decision when necessary, in order to write out self-forgiveness so that I may see the decision more clearly.

I commit myself to be the directive principle of myself within my decision-making, so that I may make all decisions based in/on self-honesty and practical common-sense, in alignment of what’s best for all.

When and as I see that I am making a decision based in self-interest in trying/attempting to gain approval/validation, I stop, and I breathe. I do not accept/allow myself to make the decision in this state, and I clear myself through writing self-forgiveness, using self-honesty, and making the decision only when I can check and see that I am clear.

I commit myself to stop seeking/wanting/needing/desiring validation and approval for the decision that I make.

I commit myself to take myself back from the approval-seeking character, and to instead walk as Me, Here.

When and as I see that I am abdicating my self-responsibility to others outsde of me and making them responsible for my decision, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction through taking self-responsibility for my decisions, and commiting myself to stand within all decisions that I make.

I commit myself to end the separation I have accepted and allowed to exist between myself and others by stopping my want/need/desire for validation and approval from others outside of me.

When and as I see that I am seeking approval and validation from others outside of me I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back Here by validating and approving of myself through and as self-acceptance within the understanding that I will stand within my own decisions and actions by taking self-responsibility for them and thus standing within my actions and decisions as Me.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing frustration to exist within and as me during the decision-making process by standing within and taking self-responsibility for the decisions I make.

When and as I see that I am growing frustrated within making a decision I stop and I breathe. I walk myself out of the frustration by self-honestly looking at where I am giving my decision-making power away by making decisions contingent on others, and then using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application to make the decision contingent on me and my application of the principle of doing what’s best for all and myself as all.

I commit myself to stop blaming others for the decisions that I did not take self-responsibility for, and to instead take self-responsibility for all the decision that I make.

When and as I see that I am blaming another/others for a decision that I can’t stand by I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within directing the decision and the outflows/consequences of the decision by taking self-responsibility for them , and doing everything I can to direct the decision or change the decision back to alignment with what’s best for me as all, and walk the process through to completion.

I commit myself to stop ‘taking credit’ for things/actions/decisions in self-interest in order to create a self-image, and instead I focus on the outflows and consequences of the things/actions/decisions and evaluating self-honestly whether or not they are contributing to a world that’s best for all.

I commit myself to only give/take credit where credit is due.

When and as I see that I am creating a false self-image through ‘taking credit’ for things I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back down to earth within the understanding that giving/taking credit only where credit is due is recognizing whether the outflows and consequences of actions and decision are creating an improved world or not, and then aligning myself only with the actions and decision that are, because anything else would be unacceptable.

I commit myself to stop discussing my actions/decisions from a starting point of manipulation, and to instead make decisions within myself, and discussing them only within and as self-honesty if it is required to gain further perspective on situations or events in order to see points I may not see.

When and as I see that I am discussing my actions/decisions from a starting point of manipulation, wherein I am trying or attempting to CONvince another that what I am doing is ‘right’, or in order to manipulate them to agree with me, with my emotional experience in order to validate my emotions and feelings, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by calling myself out and remembering my self-relationship, wherein I accept myself, forgive myself for what and how I have lived thus far, in order to stop these patterns and habits from existing within/as me.

I commit myself to stop trying and attempting to do the ‘right’ thing according to those in my environment, and to instead do what’s best for all, which begins with self and creating a self that does what’s best for all in all ways.

I commit myself to stand by my decisions and to direct the outcome as much as I am possibly able to, and to direct that outcome to what’s best for all.

When and as I see that I am making/not making a decision out of fear, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back Here within the realization that there is nothing to fear, there is only the experience of regret for decisions with consequences that are not best for me nor in alignment with doing what’s best for all, which is an unnecessary experience that I would rather avoid by breathing through the fear, and acting instead in self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application within the principles of oneness and equality, and directing myself to see decisions through.

I commit myself to making decisions and taking action based on the principles I decide to stand by, and not based on what’s easiest or what I’m in the mood for.

I commit myself to free myself from the prison of my moods and motivation, and to instead direct myself to move according to my principles.

When and as I see that I am making a decision based on laziness, on my mood or motivation, I stop and I breathe through the resistance or the motivational push until I am clear and until I am in full presence and awareness Here, and I make the decision to move from Here.

I commit myself to eradicate the fear of failure from my Life.

I commit myself to let go of self-control, and teach myself self-mastery instead.

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself as a form of self-control, and to instead build myself as self-movement.

When and as I see that I am sabotaging myself through giving up and giving in I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to my process of self-mastery within pushing myself to take one step at a time, to take the next step, and the next one until the decision has been walked in its entirety.

 

Day 82- I can't make a Decision

I am taking a pause from my last blog in order to address a point that came up.

 Within this blog I am going to be looking at myself as an approval seeking character. I find I play this character particularly when it comes time to decision-making; no matter what the size or importance of the decision, from which outfit to wear to who I am going to spend my life with.  It manifests as an indecisiveness and frustration wherein I seek approval and validation for my decisions by talking about them and trying to convince others that I am doing the right thing or making the right choice.

            Obviously this does not end with me making a well thought out decision that’s best for me and best for all. Also, the actions that stem from that decision end up being actions that I find difficult to stand within, because I am not completely responsible for the decision in the first place.  Responsibility plays another role within this character, wherein I abdicate my responsibility to myself and the decisions I make by making others responsible for them. This occurs when I take advice or seek approval/validation and base my decisions on that, instead of taking my own reality and who I am into consideration and making a decision based on these factors, without outside influence.

            Of course it’s cool to get other’s perspectives and hear what others have to say about the choices we are confronted with, but in the end, the choice had to be made for self, by self.

            In the blogs to follow, I will take apart this point with the tool of self-forgiveness, in order to understand it so that I can stop participating in this character and eventiually stop, and change.