Day 121- Calming the Waves of Frustration

This blog is continued from a short series listed at the end of this blog.

Frustration:

Frustration passes over me like waves, wherein, everything of and as me wants to be doing something, but I still can’t seem to move myself as the directive principle of myself. It’s like this utter defiance and stubbornness, as a voice saying “I’m not going to do it, and you can’t make me”, which sounds to me like a rebellious and stubborn child. Obviously I CAN make me do it, but it’s like there’s this threat looming, as in the example of a child being defiant, wherein, you become so infuriated by the child, but you have to remain calm and not snap in any way because then there could be consequences toward the child. So it turns into this helplessness. This helplessness I experience within myself is a result of feeling as though I can’t ‘force’ myself to do something, as one would feel helpless when trying to ‘force’ a child to do as they’re told. The difference is that the helplessness one experiences with the child is because the child is another being, and can’t be forced physically or psychically to do something, such as clean up after himself, nor can he be forced to understand why this would be necessary. If the child so chooses to ignore the reasons, there’s not much that can be done save explanations. However, there is no separate entity within myself. So, in a way, I stand as a child within myself, and also a parent, wherein I need to be the disciplinarian, and the disciplined.

Points I am dealing with:
Frustration
Defiance
Helplessness
Discipline
Self-movement

Lack of discipline which causes frustration caused by lack of self-movement due to helplessness in the face of my own defiance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act out in defiance towards myself when and as I push myself to move myself to do things that I would normally avoid, postpone, and not do, because I have judged the thing as bad/boring/un-enjoyable, and because I have never before really challenged myself to push myself through the resistences toward doing things with the same focus and intensity as things I enjoy doing.

I see, realize and understand that, it’s not that I have to enjoy the thing, but rather to simply do it without judging it, because it is within that judgment that the internal energetic experience of bad/boring/un-enjoyable is created, when it can instead ‘just be’ a task that I do.

I commit myself to stop judging those tasks in life that I must simply do, by stopping and withdrawing my participation within/as the thoughts that come up when/as I am doing the task.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remember that I have seen within and through experience that it is quite possible to change a judgment about something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember only the fact that I had previously entertained an internal act of defiance as a tantrum, with the attempt of the justification of the internal conversation/voice/backchat saying: “but schoolwork IS boring, it really IS in HARD and un-enjoyable in actuality, and I can’t just CHANGE that?!”

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to IGNORE the fact that I CAN ‘just change that’, by diligently stopping the judgmental thoughts that come up, within an understanding of WHY it is they’re coming up (I judge things as ‘hard’, ‘un-enjoyable’, ‘boring’, etc… such as things that challenge my mind and my current understanding of things. I judge things that push me to slow down and understand things. I judge things that bring me out of my mind and into physical reality, such as sitting down and doing schoolwork instead of watching TV or shopping or some other mindless, entertaining distraction).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that this judgment is not necessary, and it is not a life sentence! I see, realize and understand that it is a choice that I can and must make in each moment: whether I am going to entertain the judgments, thus creating a hell for myself within painfully struggling through my homework, and procrastinating and stressing out about it… OR, I can choose to practice my diligence and discipline, and pay attention to my thoughts, stop myself from participating in those that are judgments towards the work, breathe through them within an understanding of what and why they are there, and choose to instead remain present, and continue on with my work without such thoughts, until it 'just is'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to IGNORE the fact that I have seen for myself that it is possible to change my judgment towards something, and thus my ‘experience’ towards that something, form an energetic internal experience of ‘dread’ and ‘not wanting to’ do it, to a simple breath by breath application of

Who I Am, as Who I Decide to be within and as my work, wherein I can choose to stand one and equal to the work, no judgments, just me moving myself through the work step by step as necessary. And so:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself as unable and incapable of

changing my experience of myself towards the work I have to do, and thus then avoid/procrastinate/dread doing it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can simply walk step by step and apply myself moment to moment and make the self-directed choice to be diligent and disciplined with my thoughts and thus simply do the work as me: no reactions, no movement within me, almost even at times some enjoyment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into or entertain this act of defiance by blindly accepting it as who I am and how I’m limited, instead of looking at it for what it is: a simple judgment due to a resistance to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so blind as to claim to not even understand, see or realize what I am in fact busy with within myself as my mind when I experience these resistances: It is pure laziness, lack of discipline and lack of diligence due to me never having pushed myself to develop these practical skills within myself towards myself as my mind before.

I commit myself to developing the practical skills of discipline and diligence within myself towards myself as my mind by patiently pushing myself through these resistances, within and understanding of what they are, over and over again until it is Who I Am.

I see, realize and understand that change does not magically happen overnight, and that it requires pushing myself through resistances over and over again, over time and through different situations and experiences and in awareness, because I developed the lack of these skills by giving up on myself, over and over again, over time and through different situations and experiences in unawareness.

To be continued…

To learn these self-supportive writting tools visit: DIP LITE

For the entire series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)

Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)

Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)

Day 118- Learning How To Learn

Day119- Equality as a Student

 

Day120- Am I Useless as a Student?

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

This blog follows from a short series of blogs in relation to being an effective student, and all the mind-created limitations I imposed upon myself that gets in the way, such as distractions, self-judgment, negative self-talk, fears, etc… Within the past few blogs I have been looking at the tendency I have to attempt to ‘get out of the work’ I have to do, which leads to feeling 'forced' to do the work, or skimming through it, not fully understanding, or poor work.


It would be so much easier if I would just sit down and do my assignment within presence and awareness, but instead I just go crazy trying to focus and concentrate. I have been looking into all the mind-created reasons for this, and once identified, I use the tool of self-forgiveness in order to release the points. Afterwards, I re-script myself to not repeat this self-limiting behavior using the tool of self-commitment and self-corrective application statements.

 

 Within reading the self-forgiveness statements out-loud, and hearing myself forgive myself for the ways in which I have made things so much more complicated for myself than it needs to be, there is an actual physical release, allowing ‘space’ for change.


Having studied my own mind in this way, and placing ‘on paper’ the ways in which I want to change, makes it possible to literally ‘take myself back’ from the control of my mind, and to give myself back control over my actions, so that my actions, as the ‘Who I Am’ in this world, match Who I would like To Be. This is definitely a practice, but it’s definitely worth it. I will include a link at the end of the blog to a free course in which anyone who wants to learn these tools of self-empowerment/self-change can do so, for free, with support from others. It's worth a look, and a try.


The following are the self-commitment and self-corrective application statements made from the self-forgiveness statements found within the blog: “Day 110- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 2)” in which I explore the ‘fear dimension’ that ‘causes’ me to always try to, consciously or subconsciously, get out of the work. (For the first part of this blog, go to “Day 111- FullyCommitting to my Studies (pt 3)”).

The entire series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

 

 

 

and then: Days 110 & 111, see above.

I commit myself to stop bringing up all the negative memories I have experienced in relation to school, while ‘forgetting’ the ‘positive’ ones, wherein I actually manipulate the reality of my situation in school through skewing my assessment of myself and what kind of a student I am by always ‘bringing up’ and remembering the ‘bad stuff’, which destabilizes me and affects my confidence and creates unnecessary resistances within and as me.

When and as I see myself experiencing the familiar pangs of frustration/discouraged/impossibleness/exasperation, I stop, and I breathe. I take a moment to locate which memory I am using to create this experience within me/as me, in order that I may delete it and bring myself back to the present moment, which involves me, doing my homework/assignment, as Who I Am Here, where there is no need or benefit to bring up the past or ‘who I was’ then. I take a moment to breathe until the experience dissipates, and return to the work at hand.

I commit myself to do any and all work I am responsible for from a starting point of oneness and equality, meaning, where I make the decision to simply apply myself within the work, and to do the work to the best of my ability, without being ‘less than’ the work by judging myself as unable, and without being ‘less-than' myself by giving myself the ability to diminish myself to a point where I don’t even want to start the work, because I have already projected myself as ‘not good enough’ or ‘I won’t do well’ within/as self-judgment.

When and as I see that I am resisting doing my studies before I even open the book, due to judging myself as unable/not good enough/not smart enough, or because of judging the work as difficult/hard/boring etc… I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to simple self-movement by reminding myself that judgment is not at all necessary when taking on a task/starting or beginning a task, because my judgment can’t be trusted as it is based on skewed memories and a manipulated sense of self, thus the only way to truly find out how the work will be is to simply do it, and to direct myself within and through any obstacles, difficulties, detours or the bumps in the road I may experience along the way, within the understanding that these types of things are normal as assignments are not always just ‘smooth sailing’ and instant understanding. Thus, I allow myself to be/become the patience/diligence/dedication/discipline/commitment that I will myself to be in order to get through and accomplish the tasks I take on in my life, through always moving myself through the work no matter what.

I commit myself to not fear that which I have not looked at/understood yet, because I understand that ignorance creates fear.

When and as I see myself fearing that I will not understand the assignment, fearing that the teacher will judge me, fearing that I will do poor work, and fearing that I will fail before I have even looked at/started the assignment, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back down to reality by reminding myself that in fearing the assignment before having even looked at it, I am actually only fearing what my imagination has freely created, through my acceptance and allowance, as the ‘worst case scenario’ for what it will be like, thus allowing a certain amount of limitlessness within me for my fears to run rampant, because they do not have the physical boundaries of reality to reign them in. Within this, I see/realize/understand that when I simply stop this before it happens, and start my assignment without the interference of the mind, that I can then actually see the reality of the assignment, and the actual steps that I will require to take to get through it, which will always be do-able, as the assignments are specifically designed to be done, and to learn from.

 

To be continued...

 

(Here's the link to the free course where anyone can learn the tools of self-suppot through writing: DesteniIProcess LITE)

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

This blog is continued from the specific self-forgiveness statements made in my last blog wherein I took on the specific fears that I hold in my mind in relation to ‘getting out of doing the work’, and how I use them to justify not doing homework assignments (and many things in life, but focusing here specifically on my studies, as that is what I am currently confronting). My goal is to work through my assignment, step by step, without all the unnecessary ‘mind-babble,’ or ‘mind-noise’ that distracts me, frustrates me and ‘causes’ me to procrastinate and stress out, instead of just remaining Here and fully applying myself within my work.

So, to check out the blog from which the following statements are directly related, click here.

I commit myself to, when and as I see that I am creating and manifesting the fear that I will not understand the assignment, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to presence and awareness by reminding myself that I do not have o participate in this fear and can simply let it go, because I see, realize and understand that if I were to participate in the fear, it will lead to the fear of not doing my work well, then to the fear of being judged by the teacher, which leads me to contemplate giving up before I even start, which makes it more difficult to start which then leads to procrastination, which leads to rushed work, which causes stress, which leads to poor work. Within this, I see how my decision to follow even one thought, as a fear in this instance, can lead to an entire ‘cascade’ of thoughts and fears which create resistances within me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that by slowing the mind down, I can ‘catch’ the thought when and as it arises, and then give myself that opportunity to make the self-directed decision to not follow it, in which case, I simply breathe myself out of the mind and into the body, and continue reading/working on my assignment uninterrupted.

I commit myself to stop creating self-limiting fears within and as me, by slowly learning, practicing and becoming aware of the fears as they arise in one single thought, and stopping them there where it’s most simple and easy for me to do so (instead of accepting/allowing myself to ’build it up’ into an entire ‘cascade’ or ‘entity’ that then directs me as fear instead of me directing myself Here, as Who I Am as presence and awareness, as diligence and discipline, as patience and self-understanding). Within this:

I commit myself to stop myself from accepting and allowing the self-limiting fears to exist/grow within and as me by stopping myself from continuously bringing p past memories of past moments where I did not understand the assignment and so I did it wrong and failed, or feared to fail, wherein I will in my mind, take quick glimpses of that memory as a ‘reminder’ to myself of the fears I have participated in in the past, thus bringing forth that past energetic experience into the present moment as if it were Here with me as my reality, when in fact I can clearly see, realize and understand that my reality is the present moment and thus subject to my self-direction, in which case I can direct myself to change my behavior and NOT re-live/repeat past instances of failure or fear of failure, but rather live each moment as a new moment, wherein I can apply myself to be/become that which I wish to be and become.

I commit myself to simply let go of the old memories that I hang on to which do not serve me in any way whatsoever, by constantly and continuously, diligently and patiently, and within self-discipline and self-understanding, keep bringing myself back to the present moment using the tool of breath, human physical breath that takes place moment to moment, a new breath for each new moment, as breaths cannot be recycled, held onto or re-used, and so I will also live to a certain extent, wherein I will myself to direct each moment as Who I Am Here, instead of by who I was ‘before’ or what I fear.

When and as I see that I am ‘glimpsing’ old memories by accepting/allowing them to seemingly ‘pop’ up randomly I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the present moment by becoming aware of the fact that I am re-living past memories by identifying them by the feeling or emotional experience they create within/as me; by stopping and deleting them by saying delete out loud or disintegrating them in my mind, I breathe through the emotional or energetic experience they (I) created within me as me, and then take back my self-directive principle by reminding myself that I am at the wheel here, I decide, I direct me. Then I direct myself to either: focus back on the work, take a quick stretch, or breathe for a moment, and then return to my studies.

To learn these writing tools for yourself, for free, check out this course:http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/.

To be continued…

Day 84- Making the Decision: Taking Myself Back

Within this blog I am making the self-commitment statements and scripting the self-corrective application based on yesterday’s blog, “Day83- Why Can’t I Make A Decision,” in order to take myself back from the indecisiveness, anger and frustration which I manifest within and as me when I participate in trying to gain validation and approval for my actions and decisions.

I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for the decision that I make, and to stand within and as the decisions that I make, so that they are MY decisions.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by another/others within my decision-making process, I stop, and I breathe. I take myself back and give myself ownership of my decisions by breathing through any energetic reactions I experience within and as me, and I direct myself to make a quick list of the pros and cons of all sides of the decision when necessary, in order to write out self-forgiveness so that I may see the decision more clearly.

I commit myself to be the directive principle of myself within my decision-making, so that I may make all decisions based in/on self-honesty and practical common-sense, in alignment of what’s best for all.

When and as I see that I am making a decision based in self-interest in trying/attempting to gain approval/validation, I stop, and I breathe. I do not accept/allow myself to make the decision in this state, and I clear myself through writing self-forgiveness, using self-honesty, and making the decision only when I can check and see that I am clear.

I commit myself to stop seeking/wanting/needing/desiring validation and approval for the decision that I make.

I commit myself to take myself back from the approval-seeking character, and to instead walk as Me, Here.

When and as I see that I am abdicating my self-responsibility to others outsde of me and making them responsible for my decision, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction through taking self-responsibility for my decisions, and commiting myself to stand within all decisions that I make.

I commit myself to end the separation I have accepted and allowed to exist between myself and others by stopping my want/need/desire for validation and approval from others outside of me.

When and as I see that I am seeking approval and validation from others outside of me I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back Here by validating and approving of myself through and as self-acceptance within the understanding that I will stand within my own decisions and actions by taking self-responsibility for them and thus standing within my actions and decisions as Me.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing frustration to exist within and as me during the decision-making process by standing within and taking self-responsibility for the decisions I make.

When and as I see that I am growing frustrated within making a decision I stop and I breathe. I walk myself out of the frustration by self-honestly looking at where I am giving my decision-making power away by making decisions contingent on others, and then using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application to make the decision contingent on me and my application of the principle of doing what’s best for all and myself as all.

I commit myself to stop blaming others for the decisions that I did not take self-responsibility for, and to instead take self-responsibility for all the decision that I make.

When and as I see that I am blaming another/others for a decision that I can’t stand by I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within directing the decision and the outflows/consequences of the decision by taking self-responsibility for them , and doing everything I can to direct the decision or change the decision back to alignment with what’s best for me as all, and walk the process through to completion.

I commit myself to stop ‘taking credit’ for things/actions/decisions in self-interest in order to create a self-image, and instead I focus on the outflows and consequences of the things/actions/decisions and evaluating self-honestly whether or not they are contributing to a world that’s best for all.

I commit myself to only give/take credit where credit is due.

When and as I see that I am creating a false self-image through ‘taking credit’ for things I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back down to earth within the understanding that giving/taking credit only where credit is due is recognizing whether the outflows and consequences of actions and decision are creating an improved world or not, and then aligning myself only with the actions and decision that are, because anything else would be unacceptable.

I commit myself to stop discussing my actions/decisions from a starting point of manipulation, and to instead make decisions within myself, and discussing them only within and as self-honesty if it is required to gain further perspective on situations or events in order to see points I may not see.

When and as I see that I am discussing my actions/decisions from a starting point of manipulation, wherein I am trying or attempting to CONvince another that what I am doing is ‘right’, or in order to manipulate them to agree with me, with my emotional experience in order to validate my emotions and feelings, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by calling myself out and remembering my self-relationship, wherein I accept myself, forgive myself for what and how I have lived thus far, in order to stop these patterns and habits from existing within/as me.

I commit myself to stop trying and attempting to do the ‘right’ thing according to those in my environment, and to instead do what’s best for all, which begins with self and creating a self that does what’s best for all in all ways.

I commit myself to stand by my decisions and to direct the outcome as much as I am possibly able to, and to direct that outcome to what’s best for all.

When and as I see that I am making/not making a decision out of fear, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back Here within the realization that there is nothing to fear, there is only the experience of regret for decisions with consequences that are not best for me nor in alignment with doing what’s best for all, which is an unnecessary experience that I would rather avoid by breathing through the fear, and acting instead in self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application within the principles of oneness and equality, and directing myself to see decisions through.

I commit myself to making decisions and taking action based on the principles I decide to stand by, and not based on what’s easiest or what I’m in the mood for.

I commit myself to free myself from the prison of my moods and motivation, and to instead direct myself to move according to my principles.

When and as I see that I am making a decision based on laziness, on my mood or motivation, I stop and I breathe through the resistance or the motivational push until I am clear and until I am in full presence and awareness Here, and I make the decision to move from Here.

I commit myself to eradicate the fear of failure from my Life.

I commit myself to let go of self-control, and teach myself self-mastery instead.

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself as a form of self-control, and to instead build myself as self-movement.

When and as I see that I am sabotaging myself through giving up and giving in I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to my process of self-mastery within pushing myself to take one step at a time, to take the next step, and the next one until the decision has been walked in its entirety.

 

Day 40- Fidgetiness While Studying

When I study I tend to get so fidgety that it starts to distract me. It’s like my hands have to wander all over the place all the time, or else I feel antsy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fidgety while I study.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect studying to fidgetiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become antsy while studying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect fidgetiness with feeling antsy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relieve the internal energetic experience of ‘antsy’ by fidgeting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe fidgeting relieves me of feeling antsy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become antsy while studying because I would rather be doing something else.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand studying as a priority at certain times, and that I must commit fully to studying fully, with m full attention and awareness so that I may study effectively and thus get through it faster so that I can do other things as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I don’t like studying,’ ‘I hate studying,’ ‘I’d rather be participating in life,’ studying is no life, instead of simply studying within and as breath and thus be Life myself while I study, and realize studying is an activity which I must walk through because of the decision/commitment I have made.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive studying as endless when I’m in the first half of the material, wherein I begin to fear I will never get through it all, I’m not making enough progress, and then I speed up and fear I’m missing some material and am not being detailed emough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the fears that I will not get through all the material, that I progress too slowly and I wont have time, or that I’m missing material or not absorbing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the feeling of endlessness to studying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘not enough time’ to studying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling of endlessness’ and ‘not enough time’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow frustrated while I study, instead of realizing that I am participating in back chat which is making me stress out about studying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself toparticipate in backchat while I study.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to remain present and aware while I study, keeping track of the relevant parts of the material, keeping track of how much time I have to spend on each section, adjusting myself, and moving through the material efficiently and effectively.

I commit myself to build the presence to be able to remain present, aware and focused throughout any task I am doing.

I commit myself to pushing myself to become effective at anything I do, within a consideration of the practical limitations of reality.

I commit myself to fully apply myself until I am done with my schooling, as well as with any task I commit myself to.

When and as I see I am getting fidgety due to participating in backchat while I study, I stop and I breathe. I take a moment to breathe through the energetic experience, and I bring myself back to awareness to do a self-check, I ask myself: do I need a break or to push through resistances, am I focusing on something relevant or getting carried away in too many details, what backchat am I participating in- forgive and stop. I breathe myself back into awareness and take the next step from there.