Day 69- Postponement Character Reactions

This is a continuation of my previous blogs:

Day 63- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-63-postponement-character.html

Day 64- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-64-postponement-character-self.html

Day 65- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/thisis-continuation-from-my-previous.html

Day 66- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-66-postponement-character-self.html

Day 67- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-67-postponement-character-reactions.html

and

Day 68- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-68-postponement-character-reactions_17.html

          One of the things I have the tendency to do it to do a quick ‘scan’ of my life, and think of all the big decisions I have to make, along with the ‘what if’s’ and possible play outs and the desires and fears associated with that. And then within this ‘scan’ I also think of the multitude of little details I have to take care of that are nagging at me, that I probably put off as a result of not effectively looking at/dealing with myself as the ‘postponement character’. This creates anxiety within me, usually right at the moment where I am applying myself at a task- that split second where I am making the decision to commit to the task- it is on that moment that my mind does the ‘quick scan’ which, when I allow, results in me becoming anxious and distracted and then I proceed as a less effective being doing a less-than-effective job, thus creating more loose ends, let-downs and lack of self-trust/self-movement.
          “It’s the little things that make it huge” (a quote from the movie Vanilla Sky). I remind myself of this quote because it is very true. One split second at just the right time can effectively sabotage me in a specific way over and over again and create difficult consequences in my life which- if I were to push through that split second of a moment (over and over as it happens often) if I were to just push through it and chose to fully commit to the task, my whole Life would change. I’m not saying this is the only thing that requires to be changed in my life (as is demonstrated in the MANY points I bring up in all my blogs), I’m saying that the little things that can be changed over time, create a huge change in one’s life over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in a split second, do a ‘quick scan’ of my life and, while I’m physically trying/attempting to apply myself towards something, my mind is subtly finding all the ‘loose ends’ in my life that I have not yet dealt with, and bringing them to the fore, wherein I become distracted and anxious and unable to fully commit all of me to the task at hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself in times of application, where I am effectively sabotaging myself within/as my mind, as I am physically attempting to push myself to apply myself and change the habits/peatterns within/as me that have ‘plagued’ me for so long. I see/realize/understand that this resistance is a resistance to change, and as I slow down within myself/my mind, I see/understand how it works and thus how to stop it, as follows:

When and as I see that I am beginning a task that pushes me to test my limits, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that I have the tendency to sabotage myself in these moments through doing a ‘quick scan’ of my life and bringing to the fore all the things I have left undone. I bring myself back to presence and awareness within the understanding that, in this moment I Am Able to remain focused, and if I push through this moment, I Will get through and be able to focus in full presence and awareness on the task at hand. I see/realize/understand that when/as I apply myself in this way, I will develop the actual self-trust and self-application that I require to live a life wherein I deal with the ‘loose ends’ as they arise, and eventually effectively prevent them from occurring in the first place. I commit myself to push myself to be diligent within my application of remaining Here while I work, within the understanding/realization that this is a new sensation and application of myself, thus it is a moment of uncertainty where I have thus far accepted/allowed my mind to take directive principle. Thus I commit myself to take back my power and Stand as the Decision to Be the Directive Principle of Myself, wherein I Decide, I take the wheel in my Life and I take the reins in every moment, knowing that at any sign of ‘weakness’ or uncertainty, my mind will be waiting to take it back as the comfort of old habits and patterns lingers as a CONvincing illusion of peace and rest. I know and am fully aware that abdicating Self to the mind in this way results in the opposite of peace and rest, but is rather and experience of prison, wherein Self has No Say in Who Self is or What Self Does in this Life, but rather sits back and drifts along as the consequences accumulate and slow self-destruction takes place daily. I say No.

Day 40- Fidgetiness While Studying

When I study I tend to get so fidgety that it starts to distract me. It’s like my hands have to wander all over the place all the time, or else I feel antsy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fidgety while I study.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect studying to fidgetiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become antsy while studying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect fidgetiness with feeling antsy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relieve the internal energetic experience of ‘antsy’ by fidgeting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe fidgeting relieves me of feeling antsy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become antsy while studying because I would rather be doing something else.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand studying as a priority at certain times, and that I must commit fully to studying fully, with m full attention and awareness so that I may study effectively and thus get through it faster so that I can do other things as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I don’t like studying,’ ‘I hate studying,’ ‘I’d rather be participating in life,’ studying is no life, instead of simply studying within and as breath and thus be Life myself while I study, and realize studying is an activity which I must walk through because of the decision/commitment I have made.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive studying as endless when I’m in the first half of the material, wherein I begin to fear I will never get through it all, I’m not making enough progress, and then I speed up and fear I’m missing some material and am not being detailed emough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the fears that I will not get through all the material, that I progress too slowly and I wont have time, or that I’m missing material or not absorbing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the feeling of endlessness to studying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘not enough time’ to studying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling of endlessness’ and ‘not enough time’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow frustrated while I study, instead of realizing that I am participating in back chat which is making me stress out about studying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself toparticipate in backchat while I study.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to remain present and aware while I study, keeping track of the relevant parts of the material, keeping track of how much time I have to spend on each section, adjusting myself, and moving through the material efficiently and effectively.

I commit myself to build the presence to be able to remain present, aware and focused throughout any task I am doing.

I commit myself to pushing myself to become effective at anything I do, within a consideration of the practical limitations of reality.

I commit myself to fully apply myself until I am done with my schooling, as well as with any task I commit myself to.

When and as I see I am getting fidgety due to participating in backchat while I study, I stop and I breathe. I take a moment to breathe through the energetic experience, and I bring myself back to awareness to do a self-check, I ask myself: do I need a break or to push through resistances, am I focusing on something relevant or getting carried away in too many details, what backchat am I participating in- forgive and stop. I breathe myself back into awareness and take the next step from there.

Day 36- Pushing Myself to Study Effectively

I’ve been in school for two years non-stop now, and I’m still having some difficulty with focus and concentration on my studies. I know I spent 18 years developing bad study habits and so it’s going to be a bit of a process to correct it, and that’s cool- I can do ths. So I’m just bringing it up here once again, from a new angle/dimension as I have slowly been addressing all dimensions of my toubles with studying. I started with stress and anxiety, fear of failure, problems with authority and lack of self-movement and discipline already, and now it’s just some nitty gritty stuff. Some real practical application stuff that requires diligence as I actually continue to walk this change into the physical reality of myself. Self-forgiveness makes pushing through resistances more do-able I find, because of the understanding involved where it’s like: “okay, I know why I ‘m doing this, I know why it seems hard, I know where I’m going with this, I know this is not going to last forever, I know how much better I’ll feel later if I do his now” …etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist studying, reading my lessons and taking notes for an upcoming exam.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distracted and preoccupied while studying my lessons, reading and taking notes, because I have defined it as boring and not what I would prefer to be doing, instead of realizing that everything I do can be utilized as an opportunity to apply myself, to push myself and to expand myself- no matter what it is I am doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my lessons are hard because of the vocabulary.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define texts with more advanced vocabulary as hard instead of realizing that it only takes one moment to look up the word in a new tab and to then integrate that word by looking at its context within the sentence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lost and overwhelmed within the denser parts of the chapter, because I would rather be skimming through all the material within the desire for it to all be simple and easy and something I can complete quickly, instead of realizing that some parts of the chapter will require more focus and attention to fully understand, and that I need to take it slow at those points so as to fully comprehend the lesson.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to skip over the parts I don’t understand within the text, as if I’ll piece it all together by the end, instead of realizing that this causes me to become frustrated because I end up not completely understanding what I’m reading.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I don’t completely understand the text because I’ve skimmed over some parts due to laziness, thus sabotaging myself and hashing up old memories of being completely lost in school wherein I developed the belief that “I just can’t do this, I just can’t understand, there’s something wrong with me, I’m not like the others, it’s more difficult for me” and so on, without taking a moment to look at how I actually created this reality for myself by not applying myself as much as is/was required of me to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relive two particular memories of doing quizzes which I had not studied for, wherein I did not take any self-responsibility, but instead allowed myself to fail and go into self-judgment, and after repeating this type of behavior enough times I ended up defining myself as one who is not capable of school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the victim by defining myself as incapable, instead of standing up and changing my habits and actually applying myself fully, as I know full well I am capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my self-definition of ‘incapable of schoolwork/focusing/concentrating/understanding’  as an excuse to not have to fully apply myself, because it’s easier to judge/define myself than it is to actually push myself to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as incapable of schoolwork.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that school is more difficult for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by believing I simply can’t do it, instead of realizing that I can do it because I have all the tools I need available to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overdo it at times when I’m studying, within the belief that I need to push push push all the time, instead of taking myself and my physical body into consideration by giving myself breaks and doing it in shorter spurts, such as studying for 45 minutes, and then taking a 15 minute break.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that pushing myself to sit there and stare at the screen is effective, instead of realizing quality over quantity- it’s doesn’t matter how much time I put in if I’m not learning, absorbing, understanding anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up studying as some big arduous task that ‘nearly kills me,’ and then procrastinating from doing it because I’ve built up this belief, instead of simply setting up my spot, setting up my timeframe, sitting down and starting. It doesn’t have to be so miserable- that is entirely self-created.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define studying as miserable instead of taking self-responsibility and looking into how I created that experience for myself, wherein I am now using it as an excuse to become distracted and make it worse.

I realize I have made studying ‘miserable’ ‘arduous’ and ‘difficult’ by skimming over tough sections of text, by not adequately looking up and integrating the vocabulary I don’t understand, by defining the entire experience on past memories, and by projecting those past memories into the future thus setting myself up to procrastinate.

When and as I am going to study I DO NOT STOP moving me towards the task. I DO NOT give myself the time to project how it’s going to be. I simply keep putting one foot in front of the other until I am sitting down and ready to go, and then I breathe, clear myself, and start with 45 minutes.

When and as I see myself becoming distracted while studying, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness and check why I am allowing myself to be/become distracted: is it the vocabulary, is it a tough spot in the text, is it past memories or am I defining the moment as too hard, too arduous as an excuse to escape self-responsibility.

I commit myself to push myself within studying, within the understanding of the importance of being able to discipline myself and utilize every moment and every breath as an opportunity to push and expand me.

I commit myself to gently change myself from the bad habits and definitions I have created for myself within school/studying over time, so that I may stop creating the same experience over and over, and instead simply move myself through the task, within presence as who I am.

I commit myself to push through the resistances I will inevitably face as I change the habits and patterns I have become so used to within studying.