This is a continuation of my previous
blogs:
and
One of the things I have the tendency to do it to do a quick ‘scan’
of my life, and think of all the big decisions I have to make, along with the ‘what
if’s’ and possible play outs and the desires and fears associated with that.
And then within this ‘scan’ I also think of the multitude of little details I
have to take care of that are nagging at me, that I probably put off as a
result of not effectively looking at/dealing with myself as the ‘postponement
character’. This creates anxiety within me, usually right at the moment where I
am applying myself at a task- that split second where I am making the decision
to commit to the task- it is on that moment that my mind does the ‘quick scan’
which, when I allow, results in me becoming anxious and distracted and then I
proceed as a less effective being doing a less-than-effective job, thus
creating more loose ends, let-downs and lack of self-trust/self-movement.
“It’s
the little things that make it huge” (a quote from the movie Vanilla Sky). I
remind myself of this quote because it is very true. One split second at just
the right time can effectively sabotage me in a specific way over and over
again and create difficult consequences in my life which- if I were to push
through that split second of a moment (over and over as it happens often) if I
were to just push through it and chose to fully commit to the task, my whole
Life would change. I’m not saying this is the only thing that requires to be
changed in my life (as is demonstrated in the MANY points I bring up in all my blogs), I’m saying that the little things that can be changed over
time, create a huge change in one’s life over time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in a
split second, do a ‘quick scan’ of my life and, while I’m physically
trying/attempting to apply myself towards something, my mind is subtly finding
all the ‘loose ends’ in my life that I have not yet dealt with, and bringing
them to the fore, wherein I become distracted and anxious and unable to fully
commit all of me to the task at hand.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
distract myself in times of application, where I am effectively sabotaging
myself within/as my mind, as I am physically attempting to push myself to apply
myself and change the habits/peatterns within/as me that have ‘plagued’ me for
so long. I see/realize/understand that this resistance is a resistance to
change, and as I slow down within myself/my mind, I see/understand how it works
and thus how to stop it, as follows:
When and as I see that I am beginning a task that pushes me
to test my limits, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that I have the
tendency to sabotage myself in these moments through doing a ‘quick scan’ of my
life and bringing to the fore all the things I have left undone. I bring myself
back to presence and awareness within the understanding that, in this moment I
Am Able to remain focused, and if I push through this moment, I Will get
through and be able to focus in full presence and awareness on the task at
hand. I see/realize/understand that when/as I apply myself in this way, I will
develop the actual self-trust and self-application that I require to live a
life wherein I deal with the ‘loose ends’ as they arise, and eventually effectively
prevent them from occurring in the first place. I commit myself to push myself
to be diligent within my application of remaining Here while I work, within the
understanding/realization that this is a new sensation and application of
myself, thus it is a moment of uncertainty where I have thus far
accepted/allowed my mind to take directive principle. Thus I commit myself to
take back my power and Stand as the Decision to Be the Directive Principle of
Myself, wherein I Decide, I take the wheel in my Life and I take the reins in
every moment, knowing that at any sign of ‘weakness’ or uncertainty, my mind
will be waiting to take it back as the comfort of old habits and patterns
lingers as a CONvincing illusion of peace and rest. I know and am fully aware
that abdicating Self to the mind in this way results in the opposite of peace
and rest, but is rather and experience of prison, wherein Self has No Say in
Who Self is or What Self Does in this Life, but rather sits back and drifts
along as the consequences accumulate and slow self-destruction takes place
daily. I say No.
