Day 194- Becoming My Own Safe Haven

" Assertiveness as Steadfastness as Breath as Consistent Equilibrium, is How we Learn to be Able to Manage the Storms of Life and to Emerge from it As a Harbour that becomes a Safe Haven"

“if you don't move it through writing, it's just going to continue to weigh you down within you cause you are accumulating it by not moving it”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry and stress about moving locations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the reality that my environment is going to change drastically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist directing my reality for fear of taking responsibility, and within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become aloof and pull back within myself and allow situations and events play out without my input, participation or direction, within the hopes that I can reemerge at a later point when things calm down, in hopes that it will all work out, leaving myself to  deal with the consequences, which may be detrimental to me, maybe not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious and fearful and then angry with myself when I don’t step up and direct events in my life, and within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to become aloof and retreat within myself when the time comes where events in my life need to be directed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to retreat and withdraw within myself during big changes or when I make decisions, within the thought, idea, perception or belief that I don’t know how to direct it, or I don’t know what to do, or where to begin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that if I don’t already know something, or if it is not clear right away, then I am helpless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear putting in a sincere effort, because it is more difficult and there is risk involved, because it may be difficult, it may not work out, or it may fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that if Iapply myself fully and put in a sincere effort, that failure is a possibility, because in reality, there is always a solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future, all the ways in which my efforts can lead to failure, when the only real failure that exists is giving up.

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Day 142- Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath (pt 6)

For context, this blog is continued from:

Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath
Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath (pt 2)
Day 139- Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath (pt 3)
Day 140- Assertiveness as Steadfastness as Breath (pt 4)
Day 141- Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath (pt 5)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living the word 'steadfastness' because I have concentrated and focused so much only on the hardest parts of this process of change, and have projected them out in front of me for as far as the mind’s eyes can see. I have not allowed myself to enjoy and enhance the change and the steps I have already taken towards expressing myself as the presence and the awareness I have thus far managed, however little or lot that may be.

I commit myself to stop making this process so much harder for myself by only ever being aware of the hardest parts, without also allowing myself to simultaneously be aware of what comes AFTER the hardest parts, which is the growth, the change, and a Life where I am actually living and expressing ME- not my insecurities, self-judgments, fears, doubts, and everything else that enslaves and imprisons humankind to a diminished version of itself.

When and as I see that I am creating the experience of myself as nothing but facing consequences, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness by reminding myself that if I am using the moment to think/manifest this experience, then I also in fact have the moment/opportunity to breathe, and let go, wherein I can remind myself that such an experience can just as easily crumble away as it was never real, and in that stopping I give myself the gift of real freedom- by standing up from within the influence and direction of the mind, and changing with it/as it, to the presence and awareness that I know I am In Fact capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play martyr to myself, demonstrating perseverance and steadfastness mostly in the face of my self-created hardships, which is like ‘treading water’, wherein I’ve enhanced the ‘hard’ part of this process while denying myself the gift of life that I am able to give myself in the ways I am currently able to give. 

I commit myself to breathe through my reactions towards the word steadfastness, particularly and specifically the fear that seems to take my breath away.

I commit myself to walk this process step by step only, and not pave a path of struggle and toil with my mind’s eye, which I would then manifest as my actual experience of myself within and without.

I commit myself to face and begin and continue to stop my enslavement to the mind-, and to the ups and downs of feelings and emotions, wherein I commit myself to continue stabilizing myself by pulling myself out of lows and bringing myself down from highs.

When and as I see that everything just ‘seems so hard,’ and my experience of myself is that of burdened and heavy, I challenge myself to stop, and breathe. I challenge myself to take a step back, to step away, and to bring myself back to the simplicity of the physical, by moving myself physically, to physically ground myself, and them to ask myself: what would I be doing right now if I were stable within myself, how would I ideally be handling this situation? And then moving myself to practically, physically do that. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire experience which allows me to more easily justify thoughts of giving up and self-doubt by only focusing on the consequences and the hardest parts of this process.

I commit myself to expand my awareness to also include and so to simultaneously enhance the change that I have already managed within myself- the stability within conflict, the stability within interactions with others, the ability to stop my racing mind at night, the ability to direct my world/environment to one that supports me and one that I am in control of in terms of things like finances, work, education, responsibilities, etc. Also, being more assertive within myself, moving myself through 'lows' to do things that are beneficial to/for me instead of being self-destructive, getting to work on time- every day, making time for myself to exercise enjoy the outdoors/do yoga/cook, staying calm in stressful situations, bringing myself back to stability when things seem to be falling apart, learning to HEAR others, learning to communicate more self-honestly, not participating in activities that do not honour me, learning how to ask for help, and when I actually need it, being more independent and self-sufficient, developing self-trust and self-worth, and the list goes on. 

When and as I see that I am narrowing my awareness to only include the hardships and difficulties of change, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that my mind will use/create any situation or experience to seduce me into giving up/talk me out of continuing. I remind myself that I gift myself the power to continue, every time I stop myself as my mind from manipulating me and how I feel within myself, by being aware of and stopping the thoughts that subconsciously direct my focus to all the hardships and difficulties and consequences, without giving any attention to what I have already accomplished. I remind myslef that I can in fact utilize these moments to assert myself as the change that I want to be, because each of these moments is like a test, will I stand? It is within m power and control to do so, nothing is stopping me but me.

To learn the basics of self-forgiveness, sign up for the free course at DIPLITE, try it for yourself, for free, and start to get to know yourself within a deeper understanding, in order to build a new self that you can count on.

Blog Series- Becoming an Effective Student

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies
Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)
Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)
Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day114- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 6)
Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)
Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)
Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)
Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)
Day 118- Learning How To Learn
Day119- Equality as a Student
Day121- Calming the Waves of Frustration
Day 122- I Am No Match For ME

Day123- Controlling Self in the Face of Many Temptations

Day 124- Pursuing Likes and Avoiding Dislikes Is Not Really Living

Day 125- A Prisoner to Addiction

Day 126- Is Forcing Myself Abuse?

Day 127- From Slave to Master of Myself

 

 

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

This blog is continued from a series of blogs where I am working through not taking any more bullshit from myself in terms of wavering within my studies. Am currently finishing a degree in political science, at a university level, and over the past two years I’ve had an extreme wake-up call in terms of dealing with my own self-created consequences in relation to my ability to learn, study and focus as a student (for context, read the blogs included in this series listed at the end of this blog).

This is not to say that the

education system itself is not in some ways responsible, as it teaches most students, throughout the elementary and high school years, to only memorize and regurgitate information, as well as to ‘produce’ work, rather than focusing on the actual learning processes unique to each individual student.

However, after taking the

time to learn the life skills of self-forgiveness, self-honesty, and self-corrective application, I am learning to train myself to focus and direct myself to be able to learn, through teaching myself, within any system I am confronted with. (To learn these tools for yourself, try this free course: lite.desteniiprocess.com/). Currently, and throughout my university degree, I have been at the top of most of my classes, which is noteworthy because previously, I had struggled to get by.

Throughout elementary school and high school, I felt I ‘slipped through the cracks’, but managed to ‘fake it’ using many techniques known to most students, wherein the information is usually lost shortly afterwards, and an actual understanding rarely occurs. Once I got into college, this technique no longer worked, and I actually believed I was simply unable to cope, and I failed most classes until I became too discouraged and finally quit.

The processes I went through to get to that point are the processes I’m dealing with now, wherein I am literally up against myself’ as who I had created myself as, including bad habits, giving up, self-judgment, fears and distractibility etc… Here I continue to do un-do these patterns, in order that I may re-create myself with awareness, within taking responsibility for myself within that which I commit myself to. In this way, my education has become my self-education, and although it has not been easy, I have proven one thing to myself: I will not give up.

Herein, I continue with my self-commitments and self-corrective statement which are derived from the self-forgiveness statement found here: Day 110- FullyCommitting to my Studies (pt 2).

I commit myself to, when and as I am faced with an obstacle with regards to my studies (whether it be a self-created obstacle such as the fear of failure causing me to not want to start an assignment, or an actual obstacle of not understanding the material, not having the right material, etc…) to direct myself to

seek out the appropriate resources, whether it be my teacher or TA, or looking something up online, or simply stopping and slowing down and re-reading the material, until the obstacle is effectively overcome and I have directed myself through it.

When and as I see that I am creating resistances towards doing the assignment within me by holding on to the fear that trying/applying myself is a risk because it may only lead to proving I will not be able to do the work, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that, in participating within/as this fear I am only creating a new obstacle for myself, without first simply applying myself to find out if any actual obstacles exist. I see/realize and understand that if I do in fact meet an actually obstacle, that it does not mean I have failed or will never understand, it only means that I will have to take the extra necessary steps to direct myself through the obstacle as efficiently/effectively as possible, so as to resume the work at hand. Therefore, I see, realize and understand that working through obstacles is actually a component of learning and will be present throughout my life, thus, I direct myself to place one foot in front of the other, so to speak, as I take on the obstacles that will inevitably come up within my studies/life ,to give myself the time, patienc and awareness to work at them until I am through and satisfied (for school, specifically: by either asking for assistance/support from my TA or teacher, or re-reading the assignment more closely, more slowly, re-reading the question or taking a short break and looking at it again with a ‘fresh; eye).

I commit myself to develop the self-trust necessary to face the obstacles that will inevitably arise in my life/studies, by reminding myself that I have thus far gotten through everything necessary, and that there is always ‘a way’, even if it means taking a different way: I will not give up.

When and as I see that I am participating within/as self-doubt, I stop, and I breathe. I replace that self-doubt with self-trust by reminding myself that I create self-doubt by bringing up memories of past struggles and project them into the future, whereas I could just as easily remind myself that, although I have indeed struggled, that I have gotten this far by doing the actual work, thus I have proven to myself that I will do the actual work, even if it involves some struggling.
Within this:

I commit myself to continue taking this process one step at a time, and to continue to push myself through school, even though at times it feels really difficult because I’m not used to it, I’m used to the easy life of giving up and giving in, so actually trying/applying myself ‘seems’ hard and difficult, but it is simply doing things a new way.

When and as I see that I am creating and manifesting the fear of failure within and as me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to presence and awareness by reminding myself that failure is not the end of the world, but rather a miss-take, wherein I would have done something in a way that is not acceptable to the prof, and thus must simply correct it, and do a re-take, by either speaking to the prof, explaining my misunderstanding, and re-doing the assignment, or applying the new method within the next assignment. Within this, I see/realize/understand that in this sense, failure does not exist, because the only way I can truly fail at this endeavor is if I quit, which I will not do.

 

I commit myself to let go of the ‘self’ I had created myself as I unawareness, the ‘old self’ that gives up, the old habits and patterns of defeat, in order that I may re-script a new self, one that I can live with.

I commit myself to letting go of the comfort and security of old patterns and habits, in order to create new one that actually serve me.

I commit myself to walk out of old patterns and habits and into the unknown of the new without fear.

When and as I see that I am fearing letting go of ‘parts of me’/my old self/past self-definitions because it feels like I am ‘losing’ something, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by reminding myself that I am simply letting go of that which did not serve me: keeping what works and letting go of that which limits me- and doing so as a self-directed and specific daily action and practice of Who I am as a self-directed decision.

For entire series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4) 

Desteni I Process LITE --FREE course for life skills: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

 

 

Day 14- Giving Up

Blog 2- DIP Lesson 8- Giving Up

            “It’s the small things that make it huge”

My points of giving up in my life currently are not grandiose feats which I try my hardest to complete and then fail, and fall into giving up. They are small, tiny things that are extremely ‘sneaky.’ Before Desteni, I would not even have considered them to be points of giving up. But now, as I slow down my  mind I can just scarcely see these small points where I start something and then manage to find some way or reason or excuse to not complete the thing.

            The memories I have in relation to this are giving up on running, wherein I used to do long-distance cross-country running and I excelled at it. It was hard and uncomfortable, but there was always a part of me that knew I would have pushed myself a little harder and I would have seen how far I could go with it- just to know. But instead I dropped it for no real reason except that I could.

            The second memory is giving up on college. I didn’t push myself through, instead, I quit. I just stopped going and eventually flunked out. It’s as if I reach a point where it’s not easy anymore, and I foresee that it’s going to take effort and there’s no guarantees that I’m going to make it and not fail. I’d do it if it were easy or if I had to. But if it was hard and I had to rely on myself to motivate, push and discipline me- forget it.

            This is a bad habit that I’ve developed over the years, and one which I have been breaking down and writing through with my DIP courses throughout my current experience of taking classes at university. In looking at these past memories now and at my current situation, I see that my tendency to give up is closely related to future projections, wherein I project into the future about possible failure, and then I give up before I even start. This is akin to giving up at the starting line, thus making the statement “I may fail so I won’t even try.” It’s very safe, yet at the same time it removes one from the ‘game’, or from life altogether, because you just sit on the sidelines and do nothing as life passes by. I will not accept this tendency within me.

Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the idea of ‘giving up.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought of giving up to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe ‘giving up’ exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with the idea or thought of giving up as soon as I think of a task I want to do, because within this ‘wanting to do it well’ I overwhelm myself by using future projection wherein I project perfection and then immediately face the polarity of failure and then initiate the energy/thought/idea of ‘giving up’ before I even start.

I usually do what I need to do regardless of the participation within and as ‘giving up,’ however, it becomes a battle throughout the entire task wherein it takes twice as long and in worse scenarios ends up incomplete or poorly done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project an ideal of perfection when I move to do something ‘good’, thus creating a daunting task instead of taking the task one step at a time and doing what I can and doing it well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not living up to my own standards of perfection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disappointing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting myself down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and my ability to walkthrough tasks from beginning to end because they seem daunting when I project perfection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to do something and then doubt my ability to do it well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my ability to move myself without succumbing to the influence of the self-created experience of giving up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to succumb to forms of pressure from my environment which I allow to lead me to giving up, such as people or events.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the delusion of perfection and of ideas of grandeur when I begin a task, because they usually later overwhelm me wherein I lead myself to give up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the delusions of horrible failure, wherein I imagine consequences that are way disproportionate to what they are actually possible of being in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use excuses and justifications in order to CONvince myself that giving up is okay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesitate before starting a task, thus giving myself the opportunity to slip into my mind and make that shift into thoughts, ideas and excuses instead of simply taking a breath and beginning,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesitate for a moment thus allowing myself to activate the self-created systems of habits and patterns wherein I create the energetic experience of ‘giving up’ which I accept and allow to overcome me and give up either immediately or eventually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become directed by the fears and doubts which lead to giving up, instead of directing myself in every breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘giving up’ to exist in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need or desire to give up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to fears and doubts, accepting and allowing myself to believe that the experience of wanting to give up is ‘more than’ and ‘more powerful’ than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would rather conform and compromise than facing myself and my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perform tasks within the energetic experience of ‘giving up’, thus making it seem harder, more difficult, more strenuous and longer instead of breathing Here and performing tasks within specificity, effectiveness and efficiency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to and define myself by memories of ‘giving up,’ specifically memories of quitting running and dropping out of school. I allow myself to let go of these memories and delete them, as they do not serve me in any way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by the energetic experience I have associated and attached to memories of giving up from my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to recycle energetic experiences from my past in relation to giving up, by constantly and continuously rehashing and bringing up old memories of times that I have given up on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that giving up is who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that I can push myself through any task because I have let myself down and given up on myself in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rehash and bring back my past because it’s more comfortable and safe to re-live what, who and how I have already been, rather than walking fearlessly into an unscripted future, wherein I directly script myself as who and how I can accept myself to be, in order to create a me that I can unconditionally accept.

I realize that the moment of wanting to give up is a moment of transcendence and in this moment I have the choice to stand up, or to fall back into an old pattern within which I will cycle me through everything I have already been through, only ten times worse, wherein standing up will become more difficult. I realize this entire cycle is unnecessary and completely avoidable so long as I apply myself in every moment.

I realize that ‘giving up’ is an energetic experience of the mind that is not bigger or more powerful than me, and when and as I walk through it, I am actually walking through my own acceptances and allowances and actually changing me, and I realize this is not going to feel ‘good’ or comfortable or familiar.

When and as I see myself hesitate before a task, I simply take a breath, get up, and move me.

Giving up

-disappointment

-discouraged

-routine

-comfort

-breaking point

-escape

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘giving up’ with ‘disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘giving up’ within and as the word ‘disappointment’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘giving up’ and from the word ‘disappointment’ by defining the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘disappointment’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words ‘giving up’ with the word ‘discouraged.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘giving up’ within the word ‘discouraged.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the words ‘giving up’ and from the word ‘discouraged’ by defining the words ‘giving up within the word ‘discouraged’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘giving up’ to the word ‘routine.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘routine.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the words ‘giving up’ and from the word ‘routine’ by defining the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘routine’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘giving up’ to ‘comfort.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘comfort’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘giving up’ and from ‘comfort’ by defining the words ‘giving p’ within the word ‘comfort in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘giving up’ to my breaking point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the words ‘giving up’ within ‘breaking point’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘giving up’ and from my breaking point by defining the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘breaking point’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘giving up’ to ‘escape.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘escape.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘giving up’ and from ‘escape’ by defining the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘escape’ in separation of me.

Giving Up:

Dictionary Definition:

1. A verbal act of admitting defeat.

2. The act of forsaking.

Sounds Like:

GIVE I UP

New definition:

The act of forsaking my individual I of the mind/ego of self-interest wherein I accept and allow my ego to admit defeat so that who I am as Life may emerge and stand as all as one as equal.