Day 142- Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath (pt 6)

For context, this blog is continued from:

Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath
Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath (pt 2)
Day 139- Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath (pt 3)
Day 140- Assertiveness as Steadfastness as Breath (pt 4)
Day 141- Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath (pt 5)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living the word 'steadfastness' because I have concentrated and focused so much only on the hardest parts of this process of change, and have projected them out in front of me for as far as the mind’s eyes can see. I have not allowed myself to enjoy and enhance the change and the steps I have already taken towards expressing myself as the presence and the awareness I have thus far managed, however little or lot that may be.

I commit myself to stop making this process so much harder for myself by only ever being aware of the hardest parts, without also allowing myself to simultaneously be aware of what comes AFTER the hardest parts, which is the growth, the change, and a Life where I am actually living and expressing ME- not my insecurities, self-judgments, fears, doubts, and everything else that enslaves and imprisons humankind to a diminished version of itself.

When and as I see that I am creating the experience of myself as nothing but facing consequences, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness by reminding myself that if I am using the moment to think/manifest this experience, then I also in fact have the moment/opportunity to breathe, and let go, wherein I can remind myself that such an experience can just as easily crumble away as it was never real, and in that stopping I give myself the gift of real freedom- by standing up from within the influence and direction of the mind, and changing with it/as it, to the presence and awareness that I know I am In Fact capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play martyr to myself, demonstrating perseverance and steadfastness mostly in the face of my self-created hardships, which is like ‘treading water’, wherein I’ve enhanced the ‘hard’ part of this process while denying myself the gift of life that I am able to give myself in the ways I am currently able to give. 

I commit myself to breathe through my reactions towards the word steadfastness, particularly and specifically the fear that seems to take my breath away.

I commit myself to walk this process step by step only, and not pave a path of struggle and toil with my mind’s eye, which I would then manifest as my actual experience of myself within and without.

I commit myself to face and begin and continue to stop my enslavement to the mind-, and to the ups and downs of feelings and emotions, wherein I commit myself to continue stabilizing myself by pulling myself out of lows and bringing myself down from highs.

When and as I see that everything just ‘seems so hard,’ and my experience of myself is that of burdened and heavy, I challenge myself to stop, and breathe. I challenge myself to take a step back, to step away, and to bring myself back to the simplicity of the physical, by moving myself physically, to physically ground myself, and them to ask myself: what would I be doing right now if I were stable within myself, how would I ideally be handling this situation? And then moving myself to practically, physically do that. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire experience which allows me to more easily justify thoughts of giving up and self-doubt by only focusing on the consequences and the hardest parts of this process.

I commit myself to expand my awareness to also include and so to simultaneously enhance the change that I have already managed within myself- the stability within conflict, the stability within interactions with others, the ability to stop my racing mind at night, the ability to direct my world/environment to one that supports me and one that I am in control of in terms of things like finances, work, education, responsibilities, etc. Also, being more assertive within myself, moving myself through 'lows' to do things that are beneficial to/for me instead of being self-destructive, getting to work on time- every day, making time for myself to exercise enjoy the outdoors/do yoga/cook, staying calm in stressful situations, bringing myself back to stability when things seem to be falling apart, learning to HEAR others, learning to communicate more self-honestly, not participating in activities that do not honour me, learning how to ask for help, and when I actually need it, being more independent and self-sufficient, developing self-trust and self-worth, and the list goes on. 

When and as I see that I am narrowing my awareness to only include the hardships and difficulties of change, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that my mind will use/create any situation or experience to seduce me into giving up/talk me out of continuing. I remind myself that I gift myself the power to continue, every time I stop myself as my mind from manipulating me and how I feel within myself, by being aware of and stopping the thoughts that subconsciously direct my focus to all the hardships and difficulties and consequences, without giving any attention to what I have already accomplished. I remind myslef that I can in fact utilize these moments to assert myself as the change that I want to be, because each of these moments is like a test, will I stand? It is within m power and control to do so, nothing is stopping me but me.

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Day 89- It's Not You, It's Me

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Today I had a big point open up when I thought I was confronting someone about possibly judging me. ‘Confronting’ might not be the right word, because I actually was speaking my back chat or internal voice, in order to ‘put it out there’ to be discussed, because I couldn’t see clearly what I was missing. First of all, I know damn well that worrying about what another is thinking is always me projecting myself onto another. But I was SOOOO convinced that it was the person making me feel bad because of what they ‘might have’ been thinking. So I said that, and the person did NOT accept this shit from me. Normally I would have argued and defended myself, but because I have been practicing self-honesty and listening/hearing, I shut up within myself and listened to the other person’s perspective.  

 What I realized is that this has been a pattern play-out in my life for a really long time. It is self-judgment, wherein over time I have seemingly small, judgmental thoughts about myself, like, oh, my nails look bad, I’m gaining weight, I slept in too late, I didn’t get enough done today, etc… and then I start feeling insecure, and then I’ll start projecting the judgment, by thinking little things like, “I should put this away or he’ll think I’m lazy,” “these pants are too frumpy, he’ll think I’m sloppy,” “I should do more or she’ll think I didn’t get much done today,” etc… Then, when the person is in my midst, I’ll think they are thinking these things about me, and get super self-conscious, but they are not even thinking these things! I would have to be a mind-reader to know the thoughts of another, and anyways- what would it matter what another is possibly thinking? It doesn’t. This all seems really obvious now as I write it, but throughout my life, I have done so many things for fear of what the other ‘might’ think. Sometimes I have had entire relationships in which I have been entirely dictated by this pattern to the point where I don’t even want to be around the person anymore. And because it seems so real to me, I never realized that the judgment was coming from ME, not the other person!

            So, the point that opened up within these realizations is just how judgmental I actually am towards myself. I have an extremely high, even unreasonable standard that I hold myself to, where if I do not achieve perfection, I judge me. So I’m really hard on myself in this way. I’m not even what’s called a ‘type-A personality’, because the way it manifests for me is defeat- wherein I just end up mostly giving up and feeling like “what’s the point- it’s unobtainable- it’s too much work- etc..” which is an attitude that just perpetuates the self-judgment, because I then end up doing less than I am able.

            Within all this, I see that I have to be more gentle with myself, so that I can function from a starting point of self-care and self-consideration, so that I can actually be more effective, and also be able to be and express myself and enjoy the people I spend time with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate in my backchat and self-talk to the point where it influences who and how I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed backchat and negative self-talk to exist within and as me, wherein I, throughout the day, make positive or negative judgments about myself in relation to others and the world, thus defining myself as ‘good; and ‘bad’ within my mind, and then confirming my judgments constantly and continuously through/by projecting my self-judgments onto the behavior of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my backchat and negative self-talk onto others in my life and world, because it influences who I am around others wherein I am trying to control their perception of me and thus, my perception of myself, instead of changing myself actually, and BEING who I am instead of perceiving who I am in relation to people, places, things, and events outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for ‘judging me and making me feel bad’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have only been judging myself and being unreasonable with my standards and expectations of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself by projecting my self-judgment onto others, and instead of changing I avoided the other, or tried endlessly to ‘be perfect’ in order to not be judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘being perfect’ as not feeling judged by others, because I see, realize and understand that the mind will constantly and continuously judge unless it is directed with awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not define ‘being perfect’ as being aware of myself and that which I create, and directing myself and that which I create according to the principle of doing unto others as myself, and being one and equal to myself.

            To me, this character seems like a ‘people pleaser’, so I will take apart and forgive this character in my next blog.

Day 70- Posponement Character- Conclusions

This is a continuation of my previous blogs:

 

Day 63- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-63-postponement-character.html

 

Day 64- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-64-postponement-character-self.html

 

Day 65- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/thisis-continuation-from-my-previous.html

 

Day 66- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-66-postponement-character-self.html

 

Day 67- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-67-postponement-character-reactions.html

Day 68- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-68-postponement-character-reactions_17.html

and,

Day 69- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-69-postponement-character-reactions.html

In looking at the ‘postponement character’ I go into in moments when I can and should be applying myself I see the consequences over time of me not living up to my own standards, me not being able to effectively move myself and take on tasks in Life in order to do what’s best for me, thus disempowering myself from being able to do what’s bestfor all as me. In applying the equality equation (1+1=2), I can see that if every human being faces this character within themselves, we end up with a disempowered population that is not able to take care of all, but only able to do what 'they want', when 'they want'.

Because this character is activated only when I require to push myself/perform a task that pushes me and tests my limits, I see that the character has me only doing ‘what I want to do’. When I want to do something that is easy/fun/interesting- I have no problem with getting myself up and going. It is only when the task requires something more of me that I see myself looking to put it off. I have, within these past posts, seen the ‘what’ and ‘how’ I manage this by not taking responsibility for what is going on in my mind and thus, allowing my mind to have directive principle over me.  I am NOT my narrow mind that only exists in self-interest and indulgence. I refuse, and in this refusal I take the initiative to take back my directive principle, and act on principle instead of ‘how I feel inside.’ Thus I will not contribute myself to a humanity that is apparently locked into the internal fears and desires that we call ‘human nature’, but I will rather stand up for Life, and through my application, be the living proof that there is a choice, that All can stand up from within themselves through taking self-responsibility for all of self asLife.

However, in order to effectively move myself, I require to deal with and take responsibility for this character I have developed and played-out over time, that I call the ‘postponement character’, as I cannot afford to postpone from self-change any longer, as time is of the essence. Within these past several posts I have seen that I postpone when I have decided to take on a task or several tasks that push me and test my limits. This involves school, Equal Money and Desteni. All of which require the self-application to learn, understand and integrate new concepts, and move myself to actually DO THE WORK. Actually doing the work is essentially moving myself to change. Thus, I see the singular fear from which the postponement character was born is the Fear of Change.

 

Fear of Change:

-          What I’ve defined myself according to my world which I fear losing?

          In placing myself as this question, the first answer that comes up is ‘relationships.’ Specifically those relationships in my world, such as friends/coworkers/family that I believe that, if I were to change I would lose, because if I were to change, I believe there would be conflict, thus it is easier for me to remain the same, to not stir ‘the water’/cause waves, but rather just have everything stay the same.

          In my next post, I will look more closely at this issue of conflict, and why it is that I don’t believe I can stand stable within conflict, but would rather avoid it and remain trapped within myself, as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become.